Cycles

Let's face it. By surgery number 4, I know the drill. 

It seems like my depression escalates and lessens in certain patterns surrounding my surgeries. Here's the pattern. 

Before surgery, it feels like it's worse than ever. It couldn't be any worse, or at least it seems. 
Then, right after surgery, I actually start to feel better. It happens every time. And every time I get my hopes up. I start to think..yes, I'm finally getting better. I'm finally getting over this and I can start to be happy. 

Wrong. 

Two weeks later I feel like shit again. Just absolutely horrible. Well yeah, of course I feel better! I'm too high on pain medicine to know better!

Well, it's that time now where I just feel awful. It's back and it hits harder than ever when it comes back. 

I literally just think of something and start randomly tearing up. I can't even handle being in a room if anyone else is in there. 
It's like I'm in complete isolation mode again. 

I don't know anymore. I just feel like I can't even function anymore. 

Here's the sad part. 

I know this isn't the worst of it. I know it will get worse. It's like trying to fight off the inevitable. 
I can't do this anymore. I'm in so much pain physically and mentally it's taking over everything I do. And my leg just hurts like crazy and I can hardly get off the couch to go to the bathroom it's so bad sometimes. 

I can't sleep at night, but I'm exhausted all day. My appetite is almost nothing..I'm just trying to survive. 

So I just did something not smart. I sent a really mean text to someone who hasn't been treating me very well. And I let that person know just how bad I thought they were treating me. But now I regret it, not because I'm wrong, but just because I feel bad about it. Maybe tomorrow I'll write what I texted them. 

Alright, I guess I'll stop complaining now. I hope you're doing better than I am. 

Putting myself out there

Part of my problem is that I'm really to scared or shy to put myself out there. I'm always afraid of the result or just that something bad will happen.

Well, maybe a year and a half ago I lost a really close friend of mine. We were really close and there was no reason to stop being friends. We just stopped talking. No fight or anything behind it. It hurt a lot while it was happening..but I didn't do anything about it. I figured, if she really cared about me and wanted to be friends, she should make the effort to talk to me.

I still think like that but I don't think its right. I lost someone who I really cared a lot about.

So I decided to send her a message. Well, I wrote it, but I didn't send it yet. I scared to. I'm scared she'll think I'm crazy and weird because it's so random that I'm saying something now after all this time.

I'm scared for her reaction and rejection again. But I think I'm going to send it. I don't want to live my life always just wondering what could've been.

It's time to get over my fears....I'll let you know how it turns out...ugh wish me luck!

Everlasting feeling of loneliness

Is it weird that I feel as if I'm looking for someone to cling to? Or not cling to but just be close with and have a really good relationship. My heart just feels so empty right now and I have so much like love I want to put in to someone, but I feel like no one really wants to receive it. I don't know, I just never feel good enough for anyone. 

I really think what I need right now is just a really close relationship with at least just like one person. But I feel like I can't even do that because I want them to make the first effort just so I know that they at least care. 

Right now the worst thing for me is just this everlasting feeling of loneliness and I hate it. 

It's not like I don't have friends. I do. And I have a handful of close friends. But it just doesn't feel like enough, or it doesn't feel real or I feel like maybe they don't actually care about me and they just act like they do to my face. I don't really know what the problem is exactly, but I don't know how to fix it. I think it's just the amount of effort the other person puts in that affects me. 

I really don't know anymore. I don't know anything. 

Is anything going to get better soon??? I sure hope so :(

Aim for the good days

No matter how many bad days I have, and no matter how dark and miserable everything seems, there are still those days where I wake up and I'm just determined to make it a good day. I mean, it's not like I want to be upset and down all the time. And yeah, sometimes it is to hard to try or I don't have enough energy to make an effort to have a good day, but there still are those rare days where I wake up just fully determined not to let anything get to me.

Today was one of those days.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't by any means imply I'm successful when I do this. I mean, if I was successful, I would just do that everyday and I wouldn't be struggling with depression this bad.

I can usually fight back the bad feelings as long as no one is fighting at home and everything is ok. If I follow a good routine, I can generally make it until about noon. It's simple.
Wake up, go downstairs and eat my favorite breakfast (whatever food it is I'm craving on that particular day) and then watch a series of good shows that force me to think and hold my attention so my mind can't wander.

But then after that things usually fall apart because I realize I'm all alone and I just feel bad about stuff. I want to feel better about things. I want to have good days and just be able to feel good. So I'm always going to try. But I'm not always going to succeed and that sets me back a bit.

Oh well, I guess it's at least a good thing that I try right? You should try to. There's not too much harm there.

The same, yet different

It's funny how people can be so similar, yet so different at the same time. Take depression for example. Lots of people have it, but the reasons behind it are different. We feel the same, but so different from others at the same time. 

This is what frustrates me. When people say "I'm just like everyone else". Well, no, I'm not like anyone else actually. What makes me the same as everyone else? 

I am different. And me being in a different situation is what makes me believe that it's so hard for others to understand anything about me, which I guess is why I don't really talk to anything about anything important. 
 
I get it. I'm not special, and I'm not trying to make it sound like I am. But I am different. 

I know everyone has family problems, but not everyone has a severely mentally ill person living there causing it to be an abusive environment. 
And I know everyone deals with physical pain to some extent, but not everyone has 4 major surgeries within two years and is not able to walk or do anything fun. 
And I know everyone has bad days and feels like crap sometimes, but not everyone struggles with depression this bad. 

Trust me I'm not trying to say I'm anything special because I know I'm not. 

My point here is that were all different and we shouldn't just be categorized as the same. Every single one of our situations is different and that's how we should be treated. 

The same goes for all situations, not just mine. I don't know, it just bothers me when I'm told I'm the same as everyone else, because I'm not, and neither are you. No matter what your specific situation is, it's different than anyone else and you are special, despite what anyone else in the world says.  

Maybe I'm just rambling about nothing though. Does anyone else have an opinion of this?

More like surviving than living

So I've been home for a few days now and it's been rough. As soon as I walked in the door my sister practically pushed me out of the way and ran upstairs completely ignoring me. She still hasn't asked me how I felt or how surgery went. Sweet right? Instead of being considerate about me right now, she instead complains about me always being in the den. I have to sleep downstairs because I can't even walk to the bathroom without a struggle pretty much. So to like spite me she keeps all the lights on so I can't sleep and refuses to turn them off.

But I really don't care about her or what she does. I'm just in a bad place right now. My leg kills all the time and like yeah friends come visit me and stuff which is nice but I still feel like there's no one there for me on that deeper level. I don't know if that even makes sense though.

I feel like crap physically and mentally all the time and nothing ever dulls the pain. What's the point of living a life like this? I don't know. I'll be alright I guess, I mean I always am.


When I get bad like this, I go through stages of like pushing certain people away but getting really close with other people. Like right now I pretty much pushed everyone away except for like two people. But even still I feel like I can't talk about anything to them. I think my problem is that I just want them to bring it up. Like I don't feel like I'm entitled to talk about things because it would burden them or whatever. I'm usually the friend that listens, not talks. I don't know I just hate this.

I'm physically and mentally drowning right now and I feel like I'm barely surviving. I have no release anymore. Whatever I'll just deal with it like I always do :/

Alone

So I had surgery 2 days ago and I'm still in the hospital recovering. I feel pretty crappy but I'm hoping I can go home today, that'll be great. I threw up like 7 times the first night and it was really miserable, but I'm on a lottt of anti-nausea medicine right now so at least I can hold some food down. That's a good thing.

Last night was rough though. I didn't really sleep despite the fact that I was exhausted and I was just thinking about how alone I felt. I was texting my friends and I just feel like now that I'm not guna be in school and no one will see me everyone will forget about me.

I mean, out of sight out of mind right?
That's how I feel and it makes me feel really rotten and alone. I hate it. I'm scared I'm going to lose all of my friends and I'm just miserable about it. I seriously feel just so fucking alone and I just want someone to make things better for me. I know I have friends but it never feels like enough. Like I just want someone to show that they care.

Does that make any sense to you? I don't know, I just feel like between now and summer I'm not guna make it.

I wish so bad that someone would care about me and just be there. I can't do this anymore. But I can't write anymore right now, I'm soo dizzy :(