I've decided to stop living my life in this state. It isn't acceptable, and I want to much to be able to enjoy my life. I'm seeing a new therapist some day next week, I'm not sure what day though. My school set up the appointment. Not my mom, my school. I think it's funny that they think about my wellbeing more than my own parents. I'm not going to let that bother me though.
As far as my parents go, I've decided not to be quiet about things just for their benefit. If I can't sleep and I need help with that, their going to hear about it. I'm no longer going to be a prisoner trapped inside my own body.
As far as my friends go, I'm simply going to be a mirror image of what they are to me. If they don't want to deal with me, that's fine. I just won't deal with them either. It isn't healthy for me to be 90% of the whole relationship, and offer more than what I have to give. My whole thing used to be that I would take care of everyone else. I would deal with and solve everyone else's problems...and then what about me? No time for me and my problems.
It really sucks right now because one of my closest friends is in the hospital. He has depression and some other things too, and it's just so rare that I actually found someone who I can relate to.
And you know what's weird??? It doesn't bother me at all when he comes to me with his problems. Maybe I feel like, in helping him through a bad night, I'm really helping myself? I don't really know. But I find that I can really talk to him about things and just be as real and morbid and just whatever I need to be in the moment. And he does the same with me. And I feel okay with that because it's a 50-50 relationship. That's so very rare for me, in fact I think that's the first time I've ever been in an equal relationship.
But that isn't in any way the fault of the other person. I know damn well that if I ask to talk about something, I think I could. I just would never ever go out of my way to vent and say what's really on my mind without someone else asking me first.
I think it's a defense mechanism. If I help other people with their problems, then I feel like they like me better because I give them attention. And then they'll come back to me for advice or something next time they need help with something. That way I feel like they won't leave me as a friend.
I always feel like I'm hopelessly losing my friends. I don't know if it's just me being paranoid, or if its really true sometimes, but I always just feel not good enough. I think, did I do something wrong? Did I make it too much about me and not ask how the other person is? All of those thoughts cycle through my mind and it makes me upset. Losing friends is something that doesn't happen often with me. But when it does, I just feel so helpless and I don't know how to fix it. It's why my guard is always up. This is why I don't put my full trust in anyone. I'm scared they'll go away. It's just a scary feeling for me.
Don't take this the wrong way. Im not it any way trying to talk badly about my friends at all. I'm saying this is how I perceive these situations, and I know it's all my doing.
But this is another change I want to make. I don't want to be so hyper-focused on what I think people are thinking about me. I have to learn to just go with the flow and let life play out and believe everything will work out how it's supposed to. Maybe I just have to sit back and be okay with that happens. Just relax and breath.
And my last change...I think I'm going to start taking Prozac. I don't know for sure if I will yet...that's a really big and difficult step for me. But I don't want to die, and I don't want to live my life like this either. So maybe that's the only other option. I don't know.
In a perfect world, I'd be able to do all these things. I'd be able to make all these changes and make myself a better person. I'm really going to try to live my life to the fullest and not let anything hold me back. I'm going to try. I know it won't be easy..and I'll probably give up or at least want to give up at many points along the way, but today is the day that I'm deciding to live my life and not let this depression and anxiety take over me.
I want to be a normal kid having fun and going out during the summer. I don't want to be that kid who just sits home all day everyday and stares at the wall, not able to sleep (like I am now).
I'm not saying I'm better, I'm not saying that I feel any better or different than I did. What I am saying, is that I've suffered and fought for far to long to just give up now. So for today, my decision is to fight and not give up.
That's my decision for now. For this hour. This morning, it was something different, and it will probably be different again tomorrow. But for right now, I feel peaceful in my choice. I slept last night, maybe that's the reason for it. Its the first night I've slept in two weeks. It felt great. Granted, I did take 3 benadryl. But hey, at least I slept.
Please pray for my friend, he needs support too. I miss him a lot and I can't wait to see him again. Hopefully he joins me in my decision to not stop fighting just yet. Let's see where summer, or this weekend, or even tomorrow takes us.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Shoulder to cry on?
Today went sort of well, I think. I had very very bad anxiety walking into my school though. So I was really relieved when I actually got into the room I needed to be. When I got there, Andrea actually looked generally happy to see me. That felt really good.
I did show her what I wrote. It actually worked out really well, and because of how I worded everything, she couldn't actually tell anybody anything or do anything about it. It just feels really good to be able to talk to someone freely like that. It makes me really upset that today was the last time I'm ever going to be able to talk to her or see her. It's like, I've built this relationship with her for the entire year, and it's just over now. I don't think a lot of people realize just how hard it is for me to build that trusting (or semi-trusting) relationship with someone.
I'm scared for over the summer when I'm back to having no one. I'm not ready for it. But at least today was good.
One of the things that she asked me was how my sleeping has been. I literally just laughed at that question. Sleep? No, I don't sleep. I stay up all night thinking about everything that went wrong during the day. I know that's so counterproductive, but I can't help it. I really just can't sleep. I think tonight I'm going to take every melatonin, benadryl, or nyquil I can find. I'm just so desperate for sleep.
Although today was a better day, not a good day exactly, but a better day, I just feel numb now. I think I just feel really empty now that I know that today was the last time I could talk to Andrea.
It's like..you know how sometimes all you really want is to cry on someone's shoulder and have them comfort you and be there for you? Well, that's what I think I really need right now. I just don't know how to even have that, because I honestly just feel so bad when I talk about this stuff with my friends. I want to be the friend they have fun with and always laugh with, and not the friend who is always upset and complaining or venting. That's my predicament.
Thanks to everyone online who comments and offers advice and someone to talk to, it honestly does make me feel better and less alone. I just wanted to let you all know that you're appreciated.
I did show her what I wrote. It actually worked out really well, and because of how I worded everything, she couldn't actually tell anybody anything or do anything about it. It just feels really good to be able to talk to someone freely like that. It makes me really upset that today was the last time I'm ever going to be able to talk to her or see her. It's like, I've built this relationship with her for the entire year, and it's just over now. I don't think a lot of people realize just how hard it is for me to build that trusting (or semi-trusting) relationship with someone.
I'm scared for over the summer when I'm back to having no one. I'm not ready for it. But at least today was good.
One of the things that she asked me was how my sleeping has been. I literally just laughed at that question. Sleep? No, I don't sleep. I stay up all night thinking about everything that went wrong during the day. I know that's so counterproductive, but I can't help it. I really just can't sleep. I think tonight I'm going to take every melatonin, benadryl, or nyquil I can find. I'm just so desperate for sleep.
Although today was a better day, not a good day exactly, but a better day, I just feel numb now. I think I just feel really empty now that I know that today was the last time I could talk to Andrea.
It's like..you know how sometimes all you really want is to cry on someone's shoulder and have them comfort you and be there for you? Well, that's what I think I really need right now. I just don't know how to even have that, because I honestly just feel so bad when I talk about this stuff with my friends. I want to be the friend they have fun with and always laugh with, and not the friend who is always upset and complaining or venting. That's my predicament.
Thanks to everyone online who comments and offers advice and someone to talk to, it honestly does make me feel better and less alone. I just wanted to let you all know that you're appreciated.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I need your opinion
So, this is what I wrote. Please tell me if you think I should let Andrea (my counselor) read it, or if I shouldn’t let her. I don’t know if I should or not. If you haven't, read the post below this. It explains what this is for.
"So, after I got really, really bad, I had surgery. I didn’t really have a chance to get worse. I was pretty much on pain medicine and high all the time. I’m really bad now though. Almost at the point where I was when I was at my worst, and that’s not good. I'm starting to make bad choices and I’m starting to really crave things like drinking and smoking. I'm ready to start doing stupid, reckless things again, frankly because I just don’t care anymore. I really don’t. I hate myself, I hate living, and its never going to get any better. No one gives a shit about me either. I feel like I’m literally losing every single one of my fiends. Clearly, out of sight, out of mind. No, but seriously. If something did happen to me, what would happen? Some people would be sad for maybe a week, and then they’d move on and forget about me. That’s pretty much the extent of it. I feel disgusting. I'm alone, miserable, desperate for relief, and I just don’t see the point in life. I have no purpose at all. I really don’t. My school expects me to teach myself an entire quarters worth of work in 2 classes. That’s bullshit. I'm not even going to look at it. I cant even put into words how shitty I feel again lately. I haven’t stopped doing anything dumb that people thought I have. I've just gotten more creative about it. You don’t want me to cut? Okay, I’ll just do other things that have the same affect. You’re going to go through all my shit and invade my privacy? Okay, I’ll just write online instead of on paper. You don’t want me to drink or smoke? Okay, I’ll just find other people who don’t give a shit about what I do. And you don’t want me to bitch and talk about my problems? That’s fine with me. I’ll just bottle it up and take it out in other (unproductive) ways. I can’t sleep. Even my fucking sleeping pills have no affect anymore. If I take them, I’ll fall asleep but I wake up at 2am and I’m up THE REST of the night. I'm having panic attacks almost every single night too, which just makes everything so much better. But honestly, I’m not okay right now. I pretty much have to make it a game. Like how long will it be before anyone notices how messed up I really am? How many signs do I need to give you? If people expect me to spell it out for them…their wrong. I wont do that. I don’t need anybody or anything. I just want this all to be over. I’ll never be able to explain what this feels like. I’ve said this before, and I’m going to say it now. I really never thought things could get worse from what they were. Whoever created the saying “it can’t get any worse”, was clearly mistaken. It can ALWAYS get worse. I want all of this to just be over. It’s not fair to live my life like this. I want all this constant pain to go away. If I were a dog or a cat, I would’ve been put down by now. Why do they put animals out of their misery but not people? Wow, that’s a fucked up thought. All my thoughts are fucked up lately. I literally went like a full 24 hours just hysterically crying the other day. I don’t even attempt to get out of bed. I'm down to 95 pounds now too, and I’m not even trying to do that, I swear. I'm mentally and physically drained. I hate my life and I don’t want to be here. I just wish I could talk to someone about any of this. I wish I wasn’t so fucking alone. I want to cut or do something so freaking bad. And on top of all this, I’m still living with a secret that NO ONE knows about. And they never will, I just can’t talk about it. I feel like I can’t be honest with anyone like that. I fucking hate myself and my life right now. I’m sorry for being so dumb right now. No matter how much I write, I’ll never be able to put into words how I feel. I just wish I could sleep. Oh well, panic attacks are fun too I guess."
"So, after I got really, really bad, I had surgery. I didn’t really have a chance to get worse. I was pretty much on pain medicine and high all the time. I’m really bad now though. Almost at the point where I was when I was at my worst, and that’s not good. I'm starting to make bad choices and I’m starting to really crave things like drinking and smoking. I'm ready to start doing stupid, reckless things again, frankly because I just don’t care anymore. I really don’t. I hate myself, I hate living, and its never going to get any better. No one gives a shit about me either. I feel like I’m literally losing every single one of my fiends. Clearly, out of sight, out of mind. No, but seriously. If something did happen to me, what would happen? Some people would be sad for maybe a week, and then they’d move on and forget about me. That’s pretty much the extent of it. I feel disgusting. I'm alone, miserable, desperate for relief, and I just don’t see the point in life. I have no purpose at all. I really don’t. My school expects me to teach myself an entire quarters worth of work in 2 classes. That’s bullshit. I'm not even going to look at it. I cant even put into words how shitty I feel again lately. I haven’t stopped doing anything dumb that people thought I have. I've just gotten more creative about it. You don’t want me to cut? Okay, I’ll just do other things that have the same affect. You’re going to go through all my shit and invade my privacy? Okay, I’ll just write online instead of on paper. You don’t want me to drink or smoke? Okay, I’ll just find other people who don’t give a shit about what I do. And you don’t want me to bitch and talk about my problems? That’s fine with me. I’ll just bottle it up and take it out in other (unproductive) ways. I can’t sleep. Even my fucking sleeping pills have no affect anymore. If I take them, I’ll fall asleep but I wake up at 2am and I’m up THE REST of the night. I'm having panic attacks almost every single night too, which just makes everything so much better. But honestly, I’m not okay right now. I pretty much have to make it a game. Like how long will it be before anyone notices how messed up I really am? How many signs do I need to give you? If people expect me to spell it out for them…their wrong. I wont do that. I don’t need anybody or anything. I just want this all to be over. I’ll never be able to explain what this feels like. I’ve said this before, and I’m going to say it now. I really never thought things could get worse from what they were. Whoever created the saying “it can’t get any worse”, was clearly mistaken. It can ALWAYS get worse. I want all of this to just be over. It’s not fair to live my life like this. I want all this constant pain to go away. If I were a dog or a cat, I would’ve been put down by now. Why do they put animals out of their misery but not people? Wow, that’s a fucked up thought. All my thoughts are fucked up lately. I literally went like a full 24 hours just hysterically crying the other day. I don’t even attempt to get out of bed. I'm down to 95 pounds now too, and I’m not even trying to do that, I swear. I'm mentally and physically drained. I hate my life and I don’t want to be here. I just wish I could talk to someone about any of this. I wish I wasn’t so fucking alone. I want to cut or do something so freaking bad. And on top of all this, I’m still living with a secret that NO ONE knows about. And they never will, I just can’t talk about it. I feel like I can’t be honest with anyone like that. I fucking hate myself and my life right now. I’m sorry for being so dumb right now. No matter how much I write, I’ll never be able to put into words how I feel. I just wish I could sleep. Oh well, panic attacks are fun too I guess."
My house is crazy
This is the very reason I don't have people over.
Last night, my best friend who I've known since 1st grade came to visit me. Well, my sister decided to make a huge scene for about an hour and a half. She was literally screaming her head off and like threatening to kill herself and what not the entire night. I felt sooo embarrassed and bad for my friend. The thoughts that were going through my head were "oh my god she is never going to come back. This is it, she's officially scared away". Now, we have been best friends since first grade, and I was still thinking those things.
I usually never let people come over here. But I also hate going out to other people's houses. So that's where my problem is.
Okay, so there is something about me that I don't exactly understand, and I was wondering if maybe you could tell me what the problem is.
So I have social anxiety disorder, I know that. You'd think that as much as I hate my family, and hate my house, I'd always want to leave it. But I don't. I get so anxious and I just hate leaving my house, when it comes to hanging out with people or going somewhere I usually always say no just because I don't want to leave my house. I always want them to come here, but I never ask them to because of my sister. But it doesn't really make sense...because I hate it here so much and I always say that I'd I could, I'd move out in a heartbeat.
Here's the other part. If I do go out somewhere...I like need my mom to go with me. My anxiety is sooooo much worse when I have to go somewhere by myself and my mom can't come with me. Now this is what confuses me so much. Because me and my moms relationship is always negative. We never get along and we ALWAYS end up fighting, no matter what it's about. But I always need her to come with me places? I don't understand it. Is that like separation anxiety? And if it is...why would it happen with someone I really generally do NOT like and don't get along with? The whole thing just confuses me. And my dad is never good enough either. If I have a doctor appointment and my dad has to take me, I get like visibly upset because I feel like he's going to do something wrong or he isn't good enough. And I have no idea why.
But it's not like I can only out with my mom. It's just that generally, when I do go out, my mom is the only one around. But if I'm like with a friend...I'll make them take on that role.
Bottom line-I refuse to go someplace by myself. But again, this confuses me because when I'm home, all I want is to be alone. It's like I always want to be alone, I always isolate myself, but if I have to go out of my house I need someone with me. And just one person...I hate big groups. They make me nervous too.
I don't know, I guess I'm an odd kid. Thank god I'm going to my school tomorrow to talk to Andrea. The other night I wrote a lot down on paper, and it's all bad stuff. But for some reason I'm considering showing her it. I really think deep down I want her to do something drastic with me. On some level it's almost like I want to go in a hospital or I don't know just something so I can feel better. I'm tired of feeling like this, and I hate hating life. I'm starting to smoke and cut again. And I know that's really bad. I don't want to but I feel like I need to.
If I ever talked to my family about this it would be like the end of the world. Even though my sister has been in and out of hospitals her whole life...it would be veryyy unacceptable if I did the same. Granted, we are VERY VERY different, and I know that, I worry that my parents see us in the same light.
She has borderline personality disorder, anorexia, bipolar, anger management, OCD, and a lot of other things too.
I just have depression and anxiety, probably caused by her.
It's always been this way though. She can go in hospitals and it would be okay, but I can't.
She can go in therapy, but I can't.
She can take medicine, but I can't.
All of these things are acceptable for her, in my parents eyes, but if I did any of those things it would mean they have 2 messed up kids and not just one.
I wish she wasn't even a part of my life. I wish she never existed. Then I could get the help I know I need without her getting in the way. Hell, if she didn't exist I might not even be so messed up. I don't know, that's just my feelings.
Wish me luck for tomorrow...I'll let you know how it goes!
In a few minuets I'll post what I wrote...pleasee give me you're opinion on weather or not I should show it to Andrea. I really don't know if I should. I'll put it up soon, I just have to type it up. Please comment and tell me if you can
Last night, my best friend who I've known since 1st grade came to visit me. Well, my sister decided to make a huge scene for about an hour and a half. She was literally screaming her head off and like threatening to kill herself and what not the entire night. I felt sooo embarrassed and bad for my friend. The thoughts that were going through my head were "oh my god she is never going to come back. This is it, she's officially scared away". Now, we have been best friends since first grade, and I was still thinking those things.
I usually never let people come over here. But I also hate going out to other people's houses. So that's where my problem is.
Okay, so there is something about me that I don't exactly understand, and I was wondering if maybe you could tell me what the problem is.
So I have social anxiety disorder, I know that. You'd think that as much as I hate my family, and hate my house, I'd always want to leave it. But I don't. I get so anxious and I just hate leaving my house, when it comes to hanging out with people or going somewhere I usually always say no just because I don't want to leave my house. I always want them to come here, but I never ask them to because of my sister. But it doesn't really make sense...because I hate it here so much and I always say that I'd I could, I'd move out in a heartbeat.
Here's the other part. If I do go out somewhere...I like need my mom to go with me. My anxiety is sooooo much worse when I have to go somewhere by myself and my mom can't come with me. Now this is what confuses me so much. Because me and my moms relationship is always negative. We never get along and we ALWAYS end up fighting, no matter what it's about. But I always need her to come with me places? I don't understand it. Is that like separation anxiety? And if it is...why would it happen with someone I really generally do NOT like and don't get along with? The whole thing just confuses me. And my dad is never good enough either. If I have a doctor appointment and my dad has to take me, I get like visibly upset because I feel like he's going to do something wrong or he isn't good enough. And I have no idea why.
But it's not like I can only out with my mom. It's just that generally, when I do go out, my mom is the only one around. But if I'm like with a friend...I'll make them take on that role.
Bottom line-I refuse to go someplace by myself. But again, this confuses me because when I'm home, all I want is to be alone. It's like I always want to be alone, I always isolate myself, but if I have to go out of my house I need someone with me. And just one person...I hate big groups. They make me nervous too.
I don't know, I guess I'm an odd kid. Thank god I'm going to my school tomorrow to talk to Andrea. The other night I wrote a lot down on paper, and it's all bad stuff. But for some reason I'm considering showing her it. I really think deep down I want her to do something drastic with me. On some level it's almost like I want to go in a hospital or I don't know just something so I can feel better. I'm tired of feeling like this, and I hate hating life. I'm starting to smoke and cut again. And I know that's really bad. I don't want to but I feel like I need to.
If I ever talked to my family about this it would be like the end of the world. Even though my sister has been in and out of hospitals her whole life...it would be veryyy unacceptable if I did the same. Granted, we are VERY VERY different, and I know that, I worry that my parents see us in the same light.
She has borderline personality disorder, anorexia, bipolar, anger management, OCD, and a lot of other things too.
I just have depression and anxiety, probably caused by her.
It's always been this way though. She can go in hospitals and it would be okay, but I can't.
She can go in therapy, but I can't.
She can take medicine, but I can't.
All of these things are acceptable for her, in my parents eyes, but if I did any of those things it would mean they have 2 messed up kids and not just one.
I wish she wasn't even a part of my life. I wish she never existed. Then I could get the help I know I need without her getting in the way. Hell, if she didn't exist I might not even be so messed up. I don't know, that's just my feelings.
Wish me luck for tomorrow...I'll let you know how it goes!
In a few minuets I'll post what I wrote...pleasee give me you're opinion on weather or not I should show it to Andrea. I really don't know if I should. I'll put it up soon, I just have to type it up. Please comment and tell me if you can
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Remembering my attempted suicide
Shortly after my...attempted suicide...my school found out some things and decided they had to call my parents in. So my mom went down to the school and they told her that they should take me to the hospital for a psych evaluation. Basically, it was a horribly miserable experience. This is how it all happened.
So the night before everything happened.. I was in a really dark place. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't see a point in it at all. I was just miserable and alone and just when I thought my depression couldn't get ANY worse...it did. It got a lot worse. And I wanted to die. I was sitting in my room alone with my door closed, and I remember just thinking how incredibly alone and desperate I felt. I was writing in a notebook everything that was going through my mind, and let me tell you, it was morbid. And scary to think I could fall into a place that dark. This is one thing that I wrote..
"So I'm still sitting here, and I'm crying again. And I just want this all to be over. But what is it that I want to end? My life? Or all the CONSTANT miserable pain I'm in. Well, maybe you can't end one without the other."
And that is very true to how I felt. It still is.
I didn't answer my phone at all that night. I just completely ignored everybody. I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I talked to someone. A few days prior to this, I guess my friends noticed I wasn't acting quite right. So they asked me what was wrong, and I opened up a little bit. Which is very rare for me...that just shows you how desperate I was to talk.
So when I wasn't answering my phone, my friends got worried and eventually I answered one of their calls. I guess I sounded pretty messed up...but I assured her I was fine. But I honestly wasn't fine at all.
When I'm in my room..it's like everyone forgets about me. It's like I don't exist anymore. Once again, out of sight, out of mind.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I just sat in my bed writing, thinking, and just trying to survive. That's when I actually did something. I'm not going to say exactly what though. Eventually, at one point during the night, I threw up and just passed out. When I woke up it was about 2am, and I felt even worse than I did before that. I remember texting one of my friends...and I don't remember exactly what it said, but one line of it said something like "I'm sorry if I do something really dumb soon". Basically it was just a really long text, where I was pretty much just spilling my heart out and apologizing to her for being "stupid and dramatic lately". That's how I felt. I felt like I was annoying her and burdening her by just begin in a bad mood and by talking about things when I actually did talk.
I actually felt bad for her and for all of my friends because they have to deal with me on a daily basis. The next day, my friends went and told my counselor at school everything that they knew happened the night before.
I was still a wreck in school the next day. I was in a bad mood, and when I was with my friends I noticed they were acting different too. Looking back on it, I understand why. They told Andrea (my school counselor/therapist) that I guess they thought maybe I was going to hurt myself.
When Andrea pulled me out of class, everything kind of clicked and made sense. She made me go with her to the psychologists room (which I've never been to before) and when I got there, the school psychologist, my guidance counselor, my assistant principle, and Andrea were all in there. As soon as I walked in and saw all those people I got soo scared. I knew what they wanted to talk about with me, but I just wanted to go home and forget about everything that had happened. Basically, they were all just talking to me about stuff, and Andrea knew that I wrote things in a book when I had bad nights like that, and I always brought it with me so my parents wouldn't read it. I knew if I left it home, my mom would read it and that would be like the end of the world to me. They asked to read it, and I unwillingly let them. The stuff that was in there was bad..and it was actually funny seeing their reactions to it. Like that's how I live my life on a daily basis, and it's interesting to see how others perceive that. I really don't think any of them knew how bad off I really was at that time.
Any time they would ask me questions.. My response would be "I don't know..are you going to tell my parents that?" I hated so much that they told my parents things.
I was up there with everyone pretty much all day. When my mom came..I totally freaked out and wanted to leave. It was one of the worst days of my life just because she had to come. I worked my whole life hiding things from my parents and now that was going to end. Eventually they just told my mom to take me to the hospital to get evaluated, and she did. On the way there she was yelling at me the entire time. She was so mad she had to take me. It made me feel even shittier than I did during the day. She was just complaining that now she was going to be behind in all the work she had to do.
When I got to the hospital, I left my backpack and all my stuff in the car, and I was in there for a while. Well, during that time, I guess my mom went out to the car and got the notebook I write stuff in, and proceeded to read EVERYTHING in it. Oh my gosh..when I found out she did that I freaked out on her. The whole reason I write is so I can vent and not have to worry about being judged or getting in trouble. And she completely took that away from me. Honestly, that more than anything is what made our relationship way worse. I still haven't forgiven her for it.
Since that day, I have completely stopped writing on paper. I refused to write stuff just so she can look for it and invade my privacy. That is actually why I started writing this blog. Now I can go back to writing what I want, and don't have to worry about her ever even knowing it exists.
I want to make this very clear. I'm not mad or upset with my friends for telling my school anything. The only thing I didn't like was that the school told my parents things. I wanted Andrea to know I was doing bad. I hate living lies and pretending things are okay when there really not.
I don't really talk to my friends about the heavy stuff anymore. It's not because I don't trust them, it honestly is just because I feel bad. I mean, I don't want to deal with my problems, so why would they?
Truth be told...I'm no better than I was then. I'm just back to hiding it. I know that isn't a good thing, but that's just how I am. In my mind, it's like I'm protecting other people if I just stay quiet. That, and I do not want my parents finding out anything about me for the rest of my life. They don't help anything. They make it worse. I don't know. Maybe I'll get better eventually. I mean, I really hope so.
So the night before everything happened.. I was in a really dark place. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't see a point in it at all. I was just miserable and alone and just when I thought my depression couldn't get ANY worse...it did. It got a lot worse. And I wanted to die. I was sitting in my room alone with my door closed, and I remember just thinking how incredibly alone and desperate I felt. I was writing in a notebook everything that was going through my mind, and let me tell you, it was morbid. And scary to think I could fall into a place that dark. This is one thing that I wrote..
"So I'm still sitting here, and I'm crying again. And I just want this all to be over. But what is it that I want to end? My life? Or all the CONSTANT miserable pain I'm in. Well, maybe you can't end one without the other."
And that is very true to how I felt. It still is.
I didn't answer my phone at all that night. I just completely ignored everybody. I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I talked to someone. A few days prior to this, I guess my friends noticed I wasn't acting quite right. So they asked me what was wrong, and I opened up a little bit. Which is very rare for me...that just shows you how desperate I was to talk.
So when I wasn't answering my phone, my friends got worried and eventually I answered one of their calls. I guess I sounded pretty messed up...but I assured her I was fine. But I honestly wasn't fine at all.
When I'm in my room..it's like everyone forgets about me. It's like I don't exist anymore. Once again, out of sight, out of mind.
I didn't sleep at all that night. I just sat in my bed writing, thinking, and just trying to survive. That's when I actually did something. I'm not going to say exactly what though. Eventually, at one point during the night, I threw up and just passed out. When I woke up it was about 2am, and I felt even worse than I did before that. I remember texting one of my friends...and I don't remember exactly what it said, but one line of it said something like "I'm sorry if I do something really dumb soon". Basically it was just a really long text, where I was pretty much just spilling my heart out and apologizing to her for being "stupid and dramatic lately". That's how I felt. I felt like I was annoying her and burdening her by just begin in a bad mood and by talking about things when I actually did talk.
I actually felt bad for her and for all of my friends because they have to deal with me on a daily basis. The next day, my friends went and told my counselor at school everything that they knew happened the night before.
I was still a wreck in school the next day. I was in a bad mood, and when I was with my friends I noticed they were acting different too. Looking back on it, I understand why. They told Andrea (my school counselor/therapist) that I guess they thought maybe I was going to hurt myself.
When Andrea pulled me out of class, everything kind of clicked and made sense. She made me go with her to the psychologists room (which I've never been to before) and when I got there, the school psychologist, my guidance counselor, my assistant principle, and Andrea were all in there. As soon as I walked in and saw all those people I got soo scared. I knew what they wanted to talk about with me, but I just wanted to go home and forget about everything that had happened. Basically, they were all just talking to me about stuff, and Andrea knew that I wrote things in a book when I had bad nights like that, and I always brought it with me so my parents wouldn't read it. I knew if I left it home, my mom would read it and that would be like the end of the world to me. They asked to read it, and I unwillingly let them. The stuff that was in there was bad..and it was actually funny seeing their reactions to it. Like that's how I live my life on a daily basis, and it's interesting to see how others perceive that. I really don't think any of them knew how bad off I really was at that time.
Any time they would ask me questions.. My response would be "I don't know..are you going to tell my parents that?" I hated so much that they told my parents things.
I was up there with everyone pretty much all day. When my mom came..I totally freaked out and wanted to leave. It was one of the worst days of my life just because she had to come. I worked my whole life hiding things from my parents and now that was going to end. Eventually they just told my mom to take me to the hospital to get evaluated, and she did. On the way there she was yelling at me the entire time. She was so mad she had to take me. It made me feel even shittier than I did during the day. She was just complaining that now she was going to be behind in all the work she had to do.
When I got to the hospital, I left my backpack and all my stuff in the car, and I was in there for a while. Well, during that time, I guess my mom went out to the car and got the notebook I write stuff in, and proceeded to read EVERYTHING in it. Oh my gosh..when I found out she did that I freaked out on her. The whole reason I write is so I can vent and not have to worry about being judged or getting in trouble. And she completely took that away from me. Honestly, that more than anything is what made our relationship way worse. I still haven't forgiven her for it.
Since that day, I have completely stopped writing on paper. I refused to write stuff just so she can look for it and invade my privacy. That is actually why I started writing this blog. Now I can go back to writing what I want, and don't have to worry about her ever even knowing it exists.
I want to make this very clear. I'm not mad or upset with my friends for telling my school anything. The only thing I didn't like was that the school told my parents things. I wanted Andrea to know I was doing bad. I hate living lies and pretending things are okay when there really not.
I don't really talk to my friends about the heavy stuff anymore. It's not because I don't trust them, it honestly is just because I feel bad. I mean, I don't want to deal with my problems, so why would they?
Truth be told...I'm no better than I was then. I'm just back to hiding it. I know that isn't a good thing, but that's just how I am. In my mind, it's like I'm protecting other people if I just stay quiet. That, and I do not want my parents finding out anything about me for the rest of my life. They don't help anything. They make it worse. I don't know. Maybe I'll get better eventually. I mean, I really hope so.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I don't want to fight anymore
Depression is one of the most draining things a person can go through. Every single day, every single task is near impossible. Sleeping, eating, moving, talking to people, it's just all a struggle and a fight. And I don't want to do it anymore.
I'm at the point now where I think I'm either a little better, or at the same point than when I was when I was at my worst. But that means it can still get worse. I feel like all my friends are sick and tired of my bullshit, so I never talk to them about anything that's going on. They don't care anyway. No one wants to be around someone who is always being stupid and complaining about things, so I just don't.
I don't want to fight anymore. I'm physically and mentally drained and I don't think I can do this anymore. I wake up every single morning and try to have a good day, and I never do. I can be sitting in a room full of people and just randomly start like crying. I don't want to sit here and complain though. Im just tired of all of this. I am so overwhelmed and I literally can't ever sleep and I'm falling back into every single bad habit that I was in before. Wanting cigarettes and alcohol, cutting, not sleeping or doing anything, it's just all bad stuff. I hate being that girl that falls down the wrong path and screws up her life, but I am and it sucks. The one thing I have going for me is that I've never turned to drugs and I never will. I don't know.. Maybe turning to alcohol and all the other stuff is just as bad, but I like to think I at least have one thing good about me still.
I'm at the point now where I think I'm either a little better, or at the same point than when I was when I was at my worst. But that means it can still get worse. I feel like all my friends are sick and tired of my bullshit, so I never talk to them about anything that's going on. They don't care anyway. No one wants to be around someone who is always being stupid and complaining about things, so I just don't.
I don't want to fight anymore. I'm physically and mentally drained and I don't think I can do this anymore. I wake up every single morning and try to have a good day, and I never do. I can be sitting in a room full of people and just randomly start like crying. I don't want to sit here and complain though. Im just tired of all of this. I am so overwhelmed and I literally can't ever sleep and I'm falling back into every single bad habit that I was in before. Wanting cigarettes and alcohol, cutting, not sleeping or doing anything, it's just all bad stuff. I hate being that girl that falls down the wrong path and screws up her life, but I am and it sucks. The one thing I have going for me is that I've never turned to drugs and I never will. I don't know.. Maybe turning to alcohol and all the other stuff is just as bad, but I like to think I at least have one thing good about me still.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Over this.
I don't really know what to say tonight. I'm not doing well..same old thing every time. I'm just painfully numb right now. I can't really cope with anything, and I'm badly spiraling down. I'm trying to survive and hold on, but I honestly don't care about anything anymore. I'm continuing to make bad choices and I'm getting overwhelmed with the amount of school work I have to do. Two of my classes expect me to teach myself an entire quarters worth of work. I doubt I'll even look at the work I have to do...it causes way to much stress. I guess all I can do is wait for Wednesday and hopefully things will get a little easier. Hope you're all having a better time than me.
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