Crash and burn

I broke...pretty badly. I knew it was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it, even though I tried. I've been purging a lot lately - basically every time I feel like I eat too much. I also have been cutting a lot. I think every day this week I have. I told you, when I crash, I knew I was going to crash hard. Yesterday I got especially frustrated and took out my rage on a wall. My hand is so swollen and bruised, Sam thinks its broken but I've been in this position before and I can't tell. You'd think I would have learned my lesson as to not to punch shit, seeing as the last time this happened I shattered my hand and ended up tearing my rotater cuff and labrum and needing surgery. But I guess I just don't care what happens to me anymore.

Sam wants me to go to the hospital tomorrow to get my hand looked at but I'm basically refusing. That would mean I would have to tell my parents what happened and how I got hurt and honestly, I don't feel like hearing their disappointment and feeling stupid. They keep telling me that they're proud of me lately and honestly, it really pisses me off. They are saying that I've been more mature and grown up lately because I'm, I guess, living on my own and taking care of myself. But guess what? I'm no more mature, or at least not significantly more mature, than I was last year. I still did everything for myself and took care of myself just as I am now, so why are they only seeing it and realizing it now? It pisses me off because I am not different. They were just blind to it and now that I'm gone I guess I piss them off less. What would have happened if they were more perceptive last year? Would we have gotten along better? Would they have let me keep my child and not have pushed me into the awful thing that they made me do? I don't know. This whole thing just sucks.

I'm frustrated, hurt, angry at myself and physically in pain - which I deserve. I cut once already today and I don't think I can even stay clean for the rest the night. This sucks.

Rough week.

So I met yet another new therapist. This one is a guy. He seemed alright...he talked most of the time though which I didn't mind I guess. 

The other night I drank a lot. Then I cut. Then I broke down.  Typical night I guess. My new therapist wants me to come twice a week. I guess he sees how screwed up I am. I want to live somewhere else. Just anywhere else. Somewhere someone will love me and take care of me and just make me feel safe. I guess I'll never have that though. 

I got MRIs and x-rays today. I'm scared for the results. I don't want more surgery but I don't want them to do nothing either. Because I'm in a lot of pain.

I just can't catch a break. If it's not the mental stuff it's the physical stuff. I haven't been sleeping either. I actually fell asleep in the MRI machine. That says a lot. First of all, I can never ever sleep where I feel like people can see me, and also it's really really loud in there. That shows how exhausted I am. 

I made a pro and con list of if I should kill myself or not. The reasons to kill myself were about twice as much as the reasons not to.  Obviously I'm doing so much better. Hah. I wish. 

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Well, last night was eventful. We got to "Carls" house, and started drinking. I didn't drink as much as I would've liked to because we had to leave earlier then expected. Honestly, the most eventful part of the night was when he drove me home. 

You know how I wanted to get back together? Well, we did. And that made me really happy at first. Well, I mean as happy as I can be. We left his house at like 11:00, but I didn't get home until 1:00am. We pretty much talked most of the time, just about life and if we should get back together or not. He said sorry for being a jerk to me...and you don't know how bad I wanted to believe him. You don't know just how much I really wanted to think he would change and be a better boyfriend to me. 

Today things were the same as they always were with him. We didn't talk any more than we had been recently, and I don't know. I just want things to be good. I want to be the most Important person in somebody's life. I want to matter. 

New topic: 
Tomorrow I have therapy again. My mom was going to cancel it, but when she called to cancel, my therapist yelled at her and told her I need to go. I guess my school informed her about my mom and how she likes to cancel these things and not take me back. 

Well anyway, I've been doing really bad lately. Im almost at the point where I'm ready to give in, and just be totally 100 percent honest. I want to tell  my therapist how I want to kill myself so bad, and how I've been cutting again lately. Because I have been. Last night I sat in my room thinking about why I haven't done it yet. I don't know what's stopping me..but I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a point where I'm going to try it again. 

If I wasn't so concerned with what my parents would think, and how they would act towards me, I would be honest like that. I always hold back and I never say how I really feel because I'm so scared of my parents reactions to it. It's never going to be okay with them that I'm like this. 

I'm seriously considering even going inpatient at a hospital somewhere. I'm really that bad. I don't want to die. But I can't live this way. And I don't know what to do because I'm so scared of my parents. I'm torn between getting help for myself, and staying a good kid for my parents sake. 

I don't want to quit yet

This is how I feel

Inadequate. Unworthy. Alone. Unloved. I feel horrible. I don't know why I bother to do this anymore. I feel like I just get in the way of other people, and I literally just feels like shit. Every time I talk about this with people it just pushes them away. So I don't talk to anyone, and then I feel more alone.

I feel like every single night I'm getting closer and closer to doing something dumb. Scary thought. 

Last night I almost did go and do something. I didn't though. I'm in the phase now where I'm sleeping a lot, and I'm so happy about that. I honestly don't know why I'm so messed up lately..
Therapy went okay yesterday. I hope I can have a good relationship with her. I think it would help me. 

People say that everyone, or at least most people feel this way at some point. I'm sorry...I just don't buy that. Yeah, I'm sure people feel upset and go through some rough patches, but certainly not everyone feels like this. If they did there would be a hell of a lot more suicide in the world. I really believe that. Not everybody feels like this and I hate being generalized like that. 

Yesterday my therapist asked me why it is I'm still here, why I haven't killed myself. I honestly have no idea why I'm still here. I guess I've overcome some crazy stuff already in my life. Ive always been a fighter. I'm so close to giving up, and I don't want to. A part of me still wants to fight, but another part just has no hope things will ever get better and wants to quit and stop fighting. 

I said I was going to put up a list of songs and books and movies, and I will probably tomorrow. Hope everybody keeps their head up and never stops fighting. I'm trying too. 

I feel so alone

I met my new therapist today. She was okay I guess. I didn't really talk much..I kind of just answered her questions. I don't like talking to new people. I just want to talk to Andrea and I can't. 

I hate so much that paying somebody is the only way I can talk or get someone to listen to me. I feel like I help so many other people and none of them are there for me in return. All I want is a friend. Just someone to talk to. But that's to much to ask for. 

I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just upset. I feel so alone in all of this and it's hard.I can't fight this by myself anymore. I want to talk to my friends and make them listen to me, I'm just scared it'll push them away. Just for once in my whole life, I wish I could put myself in front of others. Just one time. But I know I can't. That's not how life works. I'm supposed to be there for them. And okay with that. I just wish people could do the same for me. 

I'm not trying to sound bratty or complain or anything, I'm just having a bad time and want someone to talk to about things. It's my own fault though. I guess I get in my way. 

How do you open up to someone you've never met?

Tomorrow, thanks to my school, I'm going to meet a new therapist. I'm actually really nervous about it. First of all, I have no idea who she is, and it's so hard for me to talk to, or even make eye contact with someone I don't know at all. I want it all to work out, and I want to be able to talk to her and trust her, but I know I cant yet. I get so nervous around new people, and instead of talking about what I want to talk about, I just agree with what the other person is saying. I'm not a good talker. When I first went to see somebody in my school..I didn't talk at all. My friend came with me and told my whole story. I loved that..that way they learn about me, and I don't have to talk. But this time I'm all by myself, and that makes me nervous. 

I am happy to be going though. Hopefully after a few weeks or months or whatever, I'll be able to form a trusting relationship with her. That's only happened one other time with me though. I need to be able to talk to someone though. I want to be able to talk to my friends about how I'm feeling right now. I really feel like I need that. But I just don't want them to think I'm being stupid and causing problems. I don't want to make them go away...but I really need to talk to someone so I don't know what to do. 

Another new thing is that I started taking Prozac. I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I'll probably take it for a month or 2 and then stop. It gives me more anxiety though. Panic attacks are more easily triggered, and I'm more shaky. 

Well, I hope everyone's memorial day weekend was good. I went to the beach with 2 of my best friends..they had to carry me around though because of my leg. I felt bad about that. But it was good for me to get out of the house. And I got a tan which is always a plus. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow..I really hope something good comes from it. 

Shoulder to cry on?

Today went sort of well, I think. I had very very bad anxiety walking into my school though. So I was really relieved when I actually got into the room I needed to be. When I got there, Andrea actually looked generally happy to see me. That felt really good. 

I did show her what I wrote. It actually worked out really well, and because of how I worded everything, she couldn't actually tell anybody anything or do anything about it. It just feels really good to be able to talk to someone freely like that. It makes me really upset that today was the last time I'm ever going to be able to talk to her or see her. It's like, I've built this relationship with her for the entire year, and it's just over now. I don't think a lot of people realize just how hard it is for me to build that trusting (or semi-trusting) relationship with someone. 

I'm scared for over the summer when I'm back to having no one. I'm not ready for it. But at least today was good. 

One of the things that she asked me was how my sleeping has been. I literally  just laughed at that question. Sleep? No, I don't sleep. I stay up all night thinking about everything that went wrong during the day. I know that's so counterproductive, but I can't help it. I really just can't sleep. I think tonight I'm going to take every melatonin, benadryl, or nyquil I can find. I'm just so desperate for sleep. 

Although today was a better day, not a good day exactly, but a better day, I just feel numb now. I think I just feel really empty now that I know that today was the last time I could talk to Andrea. 

It's like..you know how sometimes all you really want is to cry on someone's shoulder and have them comfort you and be there for you? Well, that's what I think I really need right now. I just don't know how to even have that, because I honestly just feel so bad when I talk about this stuff with my friends. I want to be the friend they have fun with and always laugh with, and not the friend who is always upset and complaining or venting. That's my predicament. 

Thanks to everyone online who comments and offers advice and someone to talk to, it honestly does make me feel better and less alone. I just wanted to let you all know that you're appreciated. 

Holding on

Today, I finally broke and asked my mom if I could go back in therapy. I went for like two sessions last month before surgery, but I stopped. I didn't really like her so I wanted to stop. When I asked my mom if I could go back, she assumed it would just be with the same person. When I explained to her that finding a therapist you have a good bond with is like trying on shoes..you have to shop around a little bit first, she was hesitant and frustrated with me.  You're not always going to get lucky on the first try. I told her if she was just going to make me go back to the same person, then there is no point in me going because I won't talk anyway. She was upset because that meant she had to make a lot more phone calls..but didn't give me too much of a hard time about it I guess. Then again she was the one who took me to the doctor to get medicine..and I'm still not on it. So who knows. 

There were a few reasons why I needed to have this conversation. Since it's so close to the end of the school year, and because of my increasingly bad anxiety, I decided it would be smarter if I just finished the year at home. This freaked me out a little bit, because in school I talked to someone like a therapist every week. I have for two years. They are just interns who I talk to at school, so they change every year. But I had a great relationship with who I talked to last year, and this year felt like I had an even better relationship with her. She was the only reason I didn't want to leave school, and she is the only reason I want to return. It's almost like a safety net. She was the first one I told that I wanted to kill myself (which I promise I'll talk about soon) and she helped me to start to understand everything a little better. If I don't go back this year, I'll never see her again. Which lead to a massive panic attack last night, followed by lots of tears and eventually some sleeping pills. Great night following an even better day (haha yeah right).  

But that leads to a question. If I don't go back to school this year, isn't that letting my anxiety win? Is it okay that I'm giving in and hiding instead of facing it? I know I'm not strong enough to face it right now, but I feel like I'm only giving it more "power" if I let it take over me. And I know next year, on the first day or week of school, I'll be freaking out worse than ever!! I mean the past few years have been bad..like huge panic attacks every night the whole first week before the first day, but I'm scared it's going to intensify if I allow myself to stay home now. I don't know what to do. Like I said, the only reason I want to go back is so I can talk to Andrea. That's the persons name who I talk to at school. 

Clearly I'm a mess right now, and I want help with it. I want to get out of this rut before I fall deeper into it. I'm falling back into bad habits that I fell into the last time I was like this, and it's just scary. I hate it. And the people around me probably hate me when I'm like this. It sucks and I wish I could make it all disappear, but I can't. 

I'm so stressed and anxious right now I just want to crawl into bed and never ever get out. Everyone in my family is always screaming because of my sister and I hate it here. Every night when I'm supposed to be in the den and watching something with my parents, something always happens and I end up just going upstairs to be my myself so I don't have to deal with the drama. Then I feel worse because all I want is to spend time with my parents so I feel at least a little wanted. 

But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I'm trying to stay upbeat and I'm trying to beat this or at least live with it, and I'm trying to stay alive and find my purpose in life. 

Before it got bad and I tried to kill myself, I had a nasty habit of yelling "I hate my life, I wish I was dead". I said it a lot. Anytime anything went bad, that's the first thought that came across my mind. And no one took me seriously. Thy thought it was just "teenage hormones". I hate that. No...it's not just that. Its something bigger and it's time people realized that.  After that one night though, I feel like I have to watch myself. I feel like if I say it..people will think twice about me. They'll think..oh, do we have to hide anything or make sure she can't get anything to hurt herself? I don't want people to think those things. It doesn't mean anything has changed.. I just don't want them to think of me like that. Tonight I said those words for the first time since that night.. And I immediately regretted it. I don't want my parents to change anything about my life..if that makes sense. I don't know. I can't really explain it. I just have to watch myself better I guess. 

My goal for tonight and tomorrow is to just fall asleep on my own without taking anything. I don't want to have ANY panic attacks, I have to just focus on breathing and slowing down my heart rate. 

I promise you, I WILL make tomorrow a good day. 

Well..I'm going to try my damn hardest. I probably won't do that well, but I'm still going to wake up feeling like maybe I can take on the days challenges. I encourage you do to the same. 

It's funny..when I start writing these things, I usually don't even know what I'm going to talk about. But by the end, I always feel like I went on a rant and wrote an essay :p 
Hope ya don't mind.