Trouble

I've been away because I had a summer job from June-September that had very little access to the internet. It was a hell of a summer to say the least. My boyfriend and best friend were there with me. Sam and I worked as Chamber Maids, cleaning up and making beds and cleaning the bar and bathrooms several times a day. Dear God was this summer hard on me. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I smoked or drank. Cut too. I'm doing a lot better now though...mostly because I have to be.

I got a puppy about a month ago. Since I've been away, my parents up and moved to Texas. I knew it was coming...I just miss my house and my life so much. That house was the only house I've ever lived in my entire life. It just feels like 19 years worth of memories are gone. I don't know. It just sucks. They took my dog and best friend with them. Her birthday is tomorrow and I can't believe she's turning 6. So, inspired and motivated by her, I worked all summer to save for my puppy. I still live with my boyfriend and he's gone a lot and agreed it would be good for me. Everyone told me that now is a bad time to get a puppy and I shouldn't waste money on one, but I can honestly say that this was the smartest thing I could have done for myself. He's 5 1/2 months old and his name is Calvin. I'm proud of him because it's taken a while but he's finally all trained up and is very smart. He's a life saver. Both of my dogs are Havanese.

I've been mostly clean with cutting/burning lately. I was not the best over the summer, despite all my best efforts. I have been clean about 2 months except for one night about 2 weeks ago when I burned just ever so slightly. Ugh. Being clean isn't the easiest thing for me. It's something I fear I'm going to struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But so be it I suppose. I had to take this year off school due to financial reasons and my parents move and all..so right now I'm not up to much.

There's lots more going on in my life now, I'm just not ready to open up quite yet. Thanks for listening, hope all is well with the rest of the world, or at least whoever is reading this.

               Casey                                                                 

      Calvin         

                              

Crash and burn

I broke...pretty badly. I knew it was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it, even though I tried. I've been purging a lot lately - basically every time I feel like I eat too much. I also have been cutting a lot. I think every day this week I have. I told you, when I crash, I knew I was going to crash hard. Yesterday I got especially frustrated and took out my rage on a wall. My hand is so swollen and bruised, Sam thinks its broken but I've been in this position before and I can't tell. You'd think I would have learned my lesson as to not to punch shit, seeing as the last time this happened I shattered my hand and ended up tearing my rotater cuff and labrum and needing surgery. But I guess I just don't care what happens to me anymore.

Sam wants me to go to the hospital tomorrow to get my hand looked at but I'm basically refusing. That would mean I would have to tell my parents what happened and how I got hurt and honestly, I don't feel like hearing their disappointment and feeling stupid. They keep telling me that they're proud of me lately and honestly, it really pisses me off. They are saying that I've been more mature and grown up lately because I'm, I guess, living on my own and taking care of myself. But guess what? I'm no more mature, or at least not significantly more mature, than I was last year. I still did everything for myself and took care of myself just as I am now, so why are they only seeing it and realizing it now? It pisses me off because I am not different. They were just blind to it and now that I'm gone I guess I piss them off less. What would have happened if they were more perceptive last year? Would we have gotten along better? Would they have let me keep my child and not have pushed me into the awful thing that they made me do? I don't know. This whole thing just sucks.

I'm frustrated, hurt, angry at myself and physically in pain - which I deserve. I cut once already today and I don't think I can even stay clean for the rest the night. This sucks.

Painfully Numb: Can't relate to anyone but myself

How can a person feel such pain, and such numbness all at the same time? It doesn't seem to be possible, but yet here I am. Hurting so badly and all I want to do is cry and scream and cut, yet I sit here stone-faced and calm because my body won't allow myself to feel such emotions. I literally feel as if I have just completely shut down. I just want to feel okay again. Nothing is right...nothing  seems worth it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold onto life.

Sometimes when I write I don't even think. The words just seem to come out so smoothly and effortlessly. I have no idea what I've written after the fact. I go back and read what I wrote sometimes and it's amazing how much I can relate to myself and the words that I've written. It's like the emotions are so familiar, but I'm experiencing the words for the first time. It's kind of nice being able to relate to someone...even if it is just yourself. I wish I could stop feeling so alone and hopeless. The constant pain is quite literally killing me. I wish there was something I could do about it, but I can't. This painfully numb emotion is one that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It really is terrible.

Ups and Downs

So, I am no longer living in a hotel for college. Thank God. This semester I actually decided that it would be best for me to take all online classes and move in with my boyfriend. It has worked out surprisingly well and all good things have come of it. Well, mostly all good things. He's gone a lot during the day so I'm mostly here by myself. It sucks because I hate being stuck alone with myself. It drives me crazy. All I do is think and think about all the shit that's wrong with my life. Think about how badly I want to cut and how fat I think I am and other negative things. It's very unpleasant. Since I moved here I have felt very alone. I feel like my boyfriend is the only one I have to lean on, and that's a very scary thing. While we do get alone great and have a very balanced relationship full of joy and happiness, but also seriousness as well, there is always a chance something could happen and it doesn't work out. And if he is all I have...well that just doesn't end well for me, does it.

So I've been clean of a lot of things lately. I haven't cut or burned since November 30th 2012. The reason why is because I got a tattoo of a butterfly on my left side. If anyone knows of the  "Butterfly Effect", that is the reason I got it. It is supposed to symbolize that cutting hurts those you love and who love you and not just yourself. Surrounding the butterfly I got the words "When we trade death for life" and "Freedom" and "Forgiveness". The reason I chose these words and quote is because it comes from a very powerful and meaningful story. It is Renee's Story and it is written by Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). This story and organization is all about the idea of hope and recovery from all things self destructive, from addiction to eating disorders, to cutting and suicide. I think Everybody should become aware of them. They have helped me come out of dark places too many times to count. This is a link to Renee's Story - Renee's Story, To Write Love On Her Arms
And a link to their website -http://www.twloha.com/

This is a picture of it my tattoo:

The reason I decided to get this was because I was cutting way too much. It felt like it was something I had to do 3 or 4 times a day. I needed help stopping and I knew the only way I would be able to was if I was doing it for someone other than myself. I want to, for the rest of my life, say that this day - the day I got my butterfly, was the last day I ever cut or burned myself. And so far I have been successful. But oh boy, have there been some close calls. Just two days ago I was having such a bad anxiety attack and felt so awful and I was so desperate for relief. If  Sam, my boyfriend, hadn't literally taken the lighter away from me, I would have burned. 

It is so important for me to stay strong with this. I know that the very first time I cut or burn, it's all over. I will see no point in continuing to stay clean because I will have already broken. Similarly, I have struggled with and eating disorder for some time now. Starving myself has remained a bit of a problem, but I have been very good about not purging. Since about last April, I have stayed clean from it. But a week or so ago I purged for the first time and I felt terrible about it. But since I have no long and impressive streak of not doing it now, I have continued to starve myself and purge when I do eat and it is a very dysfunctional and sad cycle that I wish I could break, but don't have the strength to do so. 

Much needed disappearance

So, happy fathers day first off. Secondly, I apologize for my almost 2 month disappearance. It was, however, much needed. 

So on April 19th, I don't even remember what happened. I was so depressed and suicidal and I was just done. I couldn't go to class. During first period, I went to my assistant principle  and asked if I could just sit in TOR so I didn't have to go to class. He said that was fine. He also asked me if I was okay, because apparently I looked like I was about to cry. 

A few hours later, my guidance counselor came down to talk to me. She said that I didn't look right either. I basically just said fuck it, and told her everything. That I was cutting and burning almost every night, suicidal, and how I planned on being dead before graduation, which is why I gave up on grades and in school. 

Of course, they had to call EMS because they knew my parents weren't going to be helpful. So that was a long and incredibly stressful day. I got sent to the "psychiatric emergency room", and ironically enough, it was the same cop that took me last time. I like him. My guidance counselor and school social worker met us at the hospital. That made me happy. At like midnight the same day, I got admitted and sent into a hospital. The ambulance transported me there and I was of course scared. 

I ended up loving it in the hospital. There were 10 girls on my unit and they all loved me. I fit in and was able to help others and the staff loved me. I was discharged 11 days later. I wasn't happy. I didn't feel like I was ready to go.
 


I went back to school on a Wednesday, and was in TOR all the rest of the week. I relapsed by Friday. By Sunday I was back in the hospital. I knew I wasn't ready. 


I was happy to be back though. My friend who I was with the first time also relapsed, so we spent the entire month in the hospital together. 


I was there for 12 days the second time. During this time, I did a lot of thinking. I know why I'm depressed and suicidal. I know my road blocks and I know my triggers. 


It's frustrating that I can't get better. Me and my friend created an amazing picture together. It basically looks like a road map of my life and all the obstacles I've had to overcome, and all the arrows point to the words "new start". I framed it and hung it next to my bed as soon as I got home. 


I also broke my hand during this time. I was frustrated and angry with myself and anxious and I just punched a wall. Hard. They x-rayed it 3 times and said it wasn't broken. It was swollen and bruised all the way up to my elbow. So on Mothers Day, I got sent to a medical hospital,(sorry mom), where they again x-rayed my hand. Still not broken apparently. 12 days after my second admission, I got discharged again. This time I got put into a partial program, from like 12 to 8 pm. 


My friend who relapsed the same time that I did was also put into this program. I loved it. I love group therapy because I can help others, and they all liked me again. I was there for 3 weeks, and Thursday was my last day. All because of my stupid insurance. I once again did not feel ready to leave. I'm having a hard time. 


My mom took me to a legitimate orthopedist a few weeks ago, and my hand is broken in 3 places. Good job to all the other doctors. I also may have torn my rotator cuff, but whatever. My own fault. So yeah, that's where I've been. I'll give more details later.  

Bad place again

Do you ever hate yourself for waking up in the morning? Or for how you look in the mirror? 

I hate myself for a lot of things. I wish I never woke up again. Things are getting so bad, both at home and at school. I actually cut in school yesterday. I don't know if I can say I've done that yet. It's so fucked up. I got pulled out of class for my supposed alcohol use, and they focus on that, but not what I actually want them to focus on! 

Why can't they ask me how I'm doing in general? Or if I'm cutting or suicidal or depressed or...anything! It's so frustrating. Everyone always turns a blind eye and it is killing me. No one will pay attention. 

There is literally only so much I can do to cry out for help before I just..well, whatever. 

Bottom line?

I'm going into a bad place again. Well, a lower place than what I was at. I'm scared of being alone with myself. 

Holidays are triggers

She ruins everything. Every holiday, every family get together, anything good. I can't take it. She can't deal with people being happy, or celebrations, so she literally ruins it. 

It's Easter today for my family (Greek Easter) and it's supposed to be a really fun and happy day. But my fucking sister always ruins it. She screams and is unappreciative and makes my mom stressed and I can't deal with it anymore. 

I need to cut so bad right now because of what she's doing but I'm trying really hard not to. Today is going to be a hard enough day for me as it is without her added bullshit. I need to get out of here. I can't stay. I'm really starting to panic. 

My anxiety is getting so high lately and I can't really even function. My body is betraying me just as much as my mind. I want to cry. I want to just break down but I can't. I wish I could let myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me. 

Today is supposed to be a good day. My favorite cousins are coming over, I love everyone on my dads side. They are the ones with the 2 young kids. There will be a lot of food (most of which I cooked this year), and my friends are even coming. My best friend and also the new ones I've been hanging out with almost everyday. I'm excited for them to meet my family, and for my family to meet them. 

It's all a trigger for me. It's hard putting on a happy face. I don't know that I can do it today. It's going to be hard eating so much and in front of people. The past few holidays and family get togethers when there has been a lot of food, I went upstairs to throw up multiple times. I know I'm going to need to do that today. But I won't be able to get away with it, seeing as my friends will be here, and they know I do that. So they will never let me leave by myself. 

I'm scared. Last time on thanksgiving when I was this triggered, I went out and hung out with Brian because I needed that attention. I knew it would be negative attention but I didn't care. I couldn't be alone. 

Well, I certainly don't have him to lean on anymore. I'm hoping today I'll have my friends to lean on, and one of them in particular is really good at picking up on my subtle signals of anxiety and stuff. I'm kind of going to be relying on him to keep me...out of trouble. He doesn't know that, but he doesn't need to. 

I'll let you all know how today goes. Happy Greek Easter!!!!
And happy belated Easter for everyone else!
And happy Passover too!
And of course, happy whatever to anything I missed. 

Triggered once again

This weekend was really hard for me. I was triggered in every sense of the word. I had my baby cousins 1st and 4th birthday party to go to, and I spent a lot of time with the baby. There were kids everywhere and pregnant moms and I was so overwhelmed. 

When they sang Happy Birthday I lost it. That is something my baby will never hear. That hurt me a lot. 

My insomnia has been so bad lately. It caught up with me last night. I fell asleep at 5pm and woke up at 6:30am. I guess I really needed that. 

When I say I'm stressed and overwhelmed...I mean it's driving me to the point where I break down from it almost daily. I'm past my breaking point. 

I started burning. I don't know if it's better, worse, or the same as cutting, but I've done it a few times. I can't stop hurting myself. I haven't eaten in four days. Im in some serious trouble. I don't know how to be better. Help?

The real me

There are days when I can put on a happy face. 
There are moments where I can act like nothing is bothering me. 
There are times when I can pretend my anxiety isn't there, and everyone believes it but me. 
There are days when I eat literally nothing at all, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I did. 

Then there are the days when I just can't fake it. I can't pretend to smile for your sake. I can't put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. And I can't pretend that I don't think about it constantly. 

I can't always put on a happy face for other people. It's really hard. I literally do it more than half of the time, and it makes everything worse. I feel more isolated, more depressed, fake, and more unloved. Why can't I just be me?
  
Because let me tell you, the real me is not happy. And I just so wish that I didn't have to pretend all the time. Pretending is the same as lying and I hate lying. It makes me sad. I'm such a different person than the one that the world sees. I'm not sure if anybody knows the real me. 



Want to know the truth? I'm severely depressed. Most people know that. I have social anxiety disorder, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist. I've been suicidal for a while, but it's intensity varies. And right now? The intensity is off the charts high. Everyone else pretends that part of me doesn't exist. 
And home life? Horrible. Down right abusive depending on the day. 
If you want me to go there and be honest, I will. I mean, we are talking about the real me, right? So fine. I guess I'm anorexic and bulimic. I hate labels and I never wanted to turn into that. But I guess I have. I cut way too often. I drink a lot, I smoke a lot, but I never did a drug.

Until yesterday. For the first time ever, I smoked weed and got soo high. I didn't just smoke a little bit. It was a lot. I've never turned to drugs before. Ever. And it was something I was proud of. Like oh, well I'm incredibly fucked up but at least I've never done drugs. Can't say that now. 

That hurts. But nothing has ever hurt more than what I've been through in the past few months. The real me got pregnant. And forced 100% against my will to get an abortion. It haunts me every single day. It never leaves my mind. I don't forgive myself for it. And I deserve to feel all the pain. I will never forgive myself for letting everyone else have their way on something that only I should've had a choice in. 

All of the above and more is what makes me a fuck up. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve anything good at all. 

Most importantly, the real me wants help, but doesn't know how to get it.

See, not many people at all know the real me. But it seems like the ones who are the closest to knowing, do nothing at all to change it or help. So that's why I put on the happy face. So they don't have to deal with it. 

Well, fuck that. 

Good News Bad News

So, I've managed to stay out of trouble. Can't guarantee tomorrow though. I think my friend talked to my guidance counselor about me today. Honestly though...I hope she did. I need to be helped. I'm just so afraid of my parents. My mom showed me first hand what her reaction would be like. She started flipping out today over nothing..because I was upset and in a bad mood. And she got mad because "I have no right to be upset". Ok mom. I didn't just go through the worst possible thing ever. Whatever. 

I'm just so scared to make them angry or stressed or sad and that's why I haven't went out looking for help myself. Because I can't. Subconsciously I think I want my friend to tell my my counselor how screwed up I am because I can't get help for myself, and my school has to help if they knew how much of a wreck I really was. All it would take is one look at my arm and I'd get sent straight to inpatient. Thats how bad it is. I'm not sure if that would be good for me. I don't know if it will help me or cause more stress. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess I'll just let everything play out and see how tomorrow goes. 

Wanna hear some good news?! 
I got a car today!!!!!! It's a 1996 Mercury Sable but it only has like 67,000 miles on it so it's not bad at all. Driving makes me nervous. I have soo much anxiety about it but I love the freedom. I just really need to work on being less scared. 

I don't know what today would have turned into if I didn't have the anticipation of driving my new car home. It was a really really bad day before that. I'm scared for tomorrow. 

I'm scared of myself. Things need to change...quickly. 

Hautned

Every day feels like a nightmare. It feels like God is punishing me every single time I feel pain, both physical and mental. I'm punished a lot. I hate it. 

A girl my age in my school just had a baby today. A boy a year older than me died today. He overdosed on Opana. Both of those things should have been my fate. I'm so haunted by all of this. 

Last night I was so upset. I sat in my room listening to the song "Happy Birthday" by Flipsyde staring at my sonogram and hysterically crying. I'm so messed up about this. I know I need help. I'm not dealing with this well at all. I'm just hurting so bad..I can't deal with it. Everything is getting worse. I'm cutting soo much, starving myself, smoking, drinking...I feel like I've turned into a monster. 

I think I need someone to cling to. I really wish that could be Brian. But he doesn't want me anymore. Or if he does, he has a girlfriend so it doesn't matter. I just need someone to hold me or hug me and be there for me and make things better. 

I'm so haunted by all of this. I wish I wasn't alive anymore. I wish I wasn't hurting. I think I might be in over my head again, but I just don't know what to do about it. Please help me... :(

I feel so disconnected

I'm in the biggest rut I've been in for a long time. This quite possible is the lowest I've ever felt. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm so lost. 

I was laying in bed last night just miserable. I needed to talk to someone so bad...but I just had nowhere to turn. Do you know what that feels like? To be so hurt and lost but not have anyone to talk you through it? 

What happens when I get even lower than I am now, and I need someone to talk me down from suicide? What if it gets to that and I have nobody? That's what scares me. All I can do at this point is pray that it doesn't come to that. 

I've been cutting so much. I need to stop. I know I need to. 

Nights are by far the worst. I don't know why. It's hard sitting up with no one else but your own thoughts. That and your entire family screaming. This morning I got woken up by my sister screaming at my dad at 7am about the most insignificant of things. 

She is literally insane. There is no other way to explain it. I swear on my life I am not being dramatic one bit when I say how horrible she is. There's just no way to explain it that would do it justice. She's probably a good 80-85% of why I hate my life so much. I hate all the lying and manipulating she does. Google the definition of a sociopath and that is what she is. Not even kidding. 

I'm so broken. I'm too broken to be fixed at this point. I miss school and my guidance counselor and my teachers. I hate being home, I hate surgery, and I hate hating my life. I want love. I want to feel it and give it. I have nothing. I feel soulless. Just empty. Like I don't even exist. 

It's almost like my life is a movie and all I can do is watch from above. I can't control my body or mind. I'm so disconnected from everything, including myself. It's such a bad feeling. 

Even as I'm writing this my sister is lying to my mom about things yet again. All she does is lie and no one does anything about it. I want to cry, but I'm just too numb to do that. I don't want to cut, so I thought writing might be a good way to distract myself. I can only distract myself so much from such an insane reality. 

Relapse

Sometimes my head feels like a big jumbled mess. Like nothing makes sense. I have so many thoughts but when I try to verbalize them, they never come out right and I get frustrated. 

This week has been a pretty horrible one. Everything was a trigger. I would start crying over everything. Anything that brought back a memory...I just couldn't deal with it. Every time I see a kid or a pregnant lady..I don't know I just can't deal with it yet. 

Sleeping has become a disaster again. I wake up around 5 times a night. I have such horrible nightmares. I wake up crying a lot lately...I'm not sure what's going on with me that it's getting so bad. I had such bad dreams last night too. I hate it. I used to turn to sleep as an escape..as a way to shut my mind down, so I wouldn't have to suffer. Now sleep has become the opposite and it's just as bad as my reality is.  When I wake up I just feel weak. My heart is pounding and I'm shaking like crazy. It's not just an emotional reaction...the fact that my body is having such a physical reaction to it kind of scares me because I don't know why it's happening. 

I cut my arm up pretty bad yesterday. I hadn't cut in a good amount of time before yesterday...I wasn't happy with myself. 

My anxiety is increasing pretty steadily too. I was supposed to go out last night, but decided not to at the last minute because my anxiety was just out of control. 

I told you this would happen. I feel like I've relapsed so hard and I knew it was coming. It happens every time after surgery. I don't know why its like that but I hate it. I don't want to be this miserable, I don't want to get worse and I don't know how to stop it. 

I can't talk to anybody about it. I have no one to talk to and I feel so alone. I hate this. I can't deal with it. I need to be able to just talk to someone, any of my friends but they just don't care enough to listen. 

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch and a bottle of pain killers was right next to me looking oh so sweet...I literally threw it across the room to get it away from me. I actually poured them out into my hand and counted them to see if that would be enough to kill me. God I'm fucked up...I just can't do this alone anymore. 

This is killing me

I spent the weekend with my cousins. It was such a nice relief. I got to play with my 3 year old and 8 month old cousins. I spent a lot of time talking to both of my cousins. My one cousin Amy is going to call planned parenthood for me tomorrow. She is going to take me there. Thank god I have at least one person who is there for me no matter what choice I make. It's funny, I say "choice" but I have no choice. If I have this baby, I'll be out living in the streets with no money and no shelter. My parents will throw me out, ill have no place to go and it'll be horrible. But I can't go through with anything else. I'm so scared. I'm being forced into what I'm most against of and it's killing me. 

Today is my two year anniversary with Brian. We barely talked all day. I resent him so much for all of this. I hate this situation so much, I can't even begin to tell you. 

Today I spent all day working out at the gym. That killed my legs. Then I puked a good 6 or 7 times because I had to eat pizza. I'm kind of glad I have school tomorrow just so I can get out of this stupid house. I'll probably end up cutting a lot tonight. I don't know. I'm so miserable and the only people who care about me live 2 hours away. 

I wish they could adopt me. I wish I could disappear. Please kill me. I can't do this...  

This is something I read online. I feel exactly the same way. 

Month One
Hi Mommy!
I am only 3/4 of an inch long, but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb!
If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three
You know what Mommy?
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too.
I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four
Mommy,
My hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too

Month Five
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby!
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven
Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus' arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just:
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

And in case you're wondering, no, I didn't write that, but I would be honored to shake the author's hand.

And the craziness continues!

Sooo on Monday I did go to my guidance counselor. I told her I was suicidal and I wanted to kill myself over the weekend and that I wanted help. They knew my parents wouldn't do shit to help me. They called 911 to take me to the hospital. I was so terrified. 

I refused to talk to or even see my parents. Once I got to the hospital, I told them what happened and they saw the cuts all over my ribs. I begged them to put me inpatient. I told them I was going to kill myself if left by myself. 

The lady at the hospital sent me home. She said I didn't need it. She told me I needed to get out of my house, but that's it. Didn't offer me any other solutions. My parents were so pissed at me. My mom wasn't even at the fucking hospital with me. She refused to go. My dad yelled at me the entire way home and then they both did the next morning. I haven't slept at home since it happened. 

They took my phone away and took  my texting away. I guess they do just want me to isolate myself. I'm afraid of myself. I haven't been left alone since this whole thing happened. I don't blame everyone around me for not trusting me. 

It just sucks. I FINALLY reach out for help and it just completely backfired. Obviously I'm fine. Obviously I don't need help. 

Enough is enough

I made it past this weekend. So far. That kind of surprises me. My sister has been acting up a lot lately. Last night she was up all night screaming and slamming doors and being crazy. My mom freaked out on her. They're fighting again right now. Figures, the first time I sit down all weekend to relax and I can't even relax because everyone is screaming.

I had a good day at work today. The people I work with all seem to really like me. I like to joke around with my customers and make them smile. I love making people laugh. They seem to tip me better when I do that anyway.

I wish everyone would stop screaming. It makes me sad. I can't stop being so depressed. I'm really having a rough time. I cut so much this weekend. Last night I took so many sleeping pills to fall asleep at 6pm. I slept almost 12 hours. I'm exhausted now too. It's only 6:30.

I gotta get out of this house. I wish I got taken away with my friend when she went to the hospital. I think I might go tomorrow. I can't deal with this anymore...it's ridiculous. I think I'm going to go to my guidance counselor and just tell her I'm not scared of my parents anymore. I need help. I'm scared. If I don't, my friends probably will anyway. I don't know. I'll try to keep you updated. If I don't, it's because I'm probably in the hospital. Wish me luck.

Beyond a crazy day...

Yesterday was a beyond crazy day. Me and my friend were going to go up and talk to my guidance counselor, but she told us to go away and come back later in the day. We were both on the verge of seriously breaking down. After first period, we went into the bathroom and my friend started cutting her wrist. After that I went to class, and she just hung out around school not going to class. I came out of class numerous times throughout the day to see her and to talk about our plans. We were going to try and find someone to take us to a hospital after school. She was trying to find us a ride.

During 6th period, she told me to meet her in the bathroom. She texted me right as I was about to leave saying not to come, because her guidance counselor and the school social worker found her and took her up to guidance.

A few minutes later, the phone rang in the classroom and I started freaking out. I knew it had to be for me. I thought I was getting in trouble too. My teacher hung up the phone and said nothing. My heart was pounding. A few minuets after that, the security guard came into my classroom and told me I needed to come with her. I know this security guard pretty well she's really nice, but I was sill terrified.

She took me up to guidance, where I sat in a room with my assistant principle and the school social worker. Both of whom I know very well, and they both love me. I guess I have a way with adults. Anyway, they started asking me questions, and then they asked me if I had a razor blade or any other weapon on me. I was like...no? And they believed me.

They let me go, but didn't want me to go back to class because they didn't want me to like have a nervous breakdown in class I guess. My assistant principle took my phone so I couldn't find out anything that was going on. I went into the Time Out Room (TOR),  which is a room where kids who are in trouble or kids who just need a mental break go. I'm in there a lot, but I'm never in trouble so everyone likes me in there.

A little bit after I get there, I see an ambulance drive away. I was freaking out. I knew it was my best friend in there. I was supposed to be with her. The teacher in TOR noticed I was visibly upset and came to talk to me. Then she bought me food which made me calm down.

During 8th period, my guidance counselor and the school social worker (who I love) came to talk to me. The first thing I said was "I guess I know who was in that ambulance, huh". They both looked at each other and started laughing. They were amazed that I knew that. They were trying to keep that from me. That's the reason they took my phone away. I wanted to tell them everything right then and there, but I couldn't. They already had to much to deal with today.

My guidance counselor said something to me that I'll never forget. She told me I'm a nurturer. I always take care of everyone else's needs before my own. I know that's very true. She also said this:

I have never given up on anyone. I always see the good in them, and try to help them through everything. I have never given up on anyone - except myself.

And she's so right. I don't know when or why I gave up on myself, but I did. I'm scared for today. I don't know what's going to happen to me. Wish me luck.

Update part 1

Oh wow what a crazy week...so I went to that party on Saturday. Had a good 14 shots of Bacardi. I was just a tad drunk. Apparently I was all over my ex all night saying how he was the only one who loved me or something. I crave attention even when I'm drunk I guess. Apparently I disappeared for a good 15 minuets at the end of the night with him. God only knows what happened. I blacked out.

I had work at 6am the next morning. That worked out well...

Last night I had my doctor appointment and it was dumb. They barely did anything. They told me to go back to my orthopedist, so now I have an appointment with him for this Friday. I just want to feel better.

I completely broke down today. I fucked up so bad the other night. I'm so full of regrets and hatred towards myself. I can't say what I did just yet because no one knows about it.

I wish I could take everything back. I wish I could stop being in so much pain. I keep doing these things to sabotage myself and it's horrible. I don't want to push my friends away but I do. I don't want to cut, but I do. I did tonight.

Today has been a horrible day and I can guarantee that tomorrow will be worse.

If you're wondering why I'm mad...

So yesterday I got in even more trouble. My guidance counselor pulled me out of class 9th period, right before the end of the day. I had no idea what to expect, I couldn't even imagine what else I could have done to get in trouble. 

I had to stay after school for a good 2 hours. It was miserable. I was with my guidance counselor, my principle, and my assistant principle. They were all talking to me about being suicidal and cutting and everything else. I wanted to open up and be honest but I can't because I'm scared. I'm constantly living my life in fear. Of my parents, of my friends, of everything. 

Then my mom came and everything changed. My guard was up and there was nothing anyone could say or do to make me any less edgy at that point. That's what my parents do to me. They have hurt me so bad I can't be in the same room with them and be able to keep cool. 

So my mom sat there and acted like an angel and denied everything I said and belittled me. I couldn't take it. I was so frustrated! It's not fair. I have to live with these monsters at home and no one will ever see it because of this stupid act that they've perfected. So now everyone at school hates me even more. I'm sure they all think I'm this stupid little bitch who lies and complains and all that. 

To bad they can't see what really happens when no one of authority is around. I got it pretty bad when I got home. My parents still have yet to be civil towards me and I'm just shutting up and letting them do it. Man I hate my life. I need to get out of here. 

Needless to say, I'm pretty fucking pissed at every single one of my friends. Screw me over once, shame on you. Screw me over twice...maybe I should learn to shut my mouth. Do it three times? Were fucking done. 

I have successfully pushed away everyone I wanted to. Everyone except my boyfriend. He has done nothing to hurt me so I refuse to hurt him. 

I don't need anyone. I sure as hell wish I had just ONE person in this world who I could talk to openly and honestly and not have to worry about getting in trouble for it. 

Because guess what. WHEN YOU TELL THE SCHOOL IT GETS BACK TO MY PARENTS AND I GET IN A SHIT LOAD OF TROUBLE!!! So just stop already!! I hope you realize that I can no longer trust anyone and all this has done is make me more depressed and alone and withdrawn. 

I don't need anyone but myself. Sorry if this hurt anyone but I figured you deserved to know why I'm pissed. I know you were trying to help but you didn't. All you have done is cause more problems because my parents are abusive assholes. Sorry. 

Trouble.

In trouble yet again. Apparently one of my friends told my stupid school that I was cutting and where. They had to bring me down to the nurse and she had to check me but I refused to let her. My parents were so mad at me. 

They're making me go back there today. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm literally screwed. Nothing can ever go right for me. And it's not even like I'm looking for attention or doing this to myself because I'm just trying to drop all of this. 

I met a new therapist yesterday. She seemed okay I guess. 

Wish me luck for today. I'm really scared for what will happen again.