This is killing me

I spent the weekend with my cousins. It was such a nice relief. I got to play with my 3 year old and 8 month old cousins. I spent a lot of time talking to both of my cousins. My one cousin Amy is going to call planned parenthood for me tomorrow. She is going to take me there. Thank god I have at least one person who is there for me no matter what choice I make. It's funny, I say "choice" but I have no choice. If I have this baby, I'll be out living in the streets with no money and no shelter. My parents will throw me out, ill have no place to go and it'll be horrible. But I can't go through with anything else. I'm so scared. I'm being forced into what I'm most against of and it's killing me. 

Today is my two year anniversary with Brian. We barely talked all day. I resent him so much for all of this. I hate this situation so much, I can't even begin to tell you. 

Today I spent all day working out at the gym. That killed my legs. Then I puked a good 6 or 7 times because I had to eat pizza. I'm kind of glad I have school tomorrow just so I can get out of this stupid house. I'll probably end up cutting a lot tonight. I don't know. I'm so miserable and the only people who care about me live 2 hours away. 

I wish they could adopt me. I wish I could disappear. Please kill me. I can't do this...  

This is something I read online. I feel exactly the same way. 

Month One
Hi Mommy!
I am only 3/4 of an inch long, but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb!
If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three
You know what Mommy?
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too.
I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four
Mommy,
My hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too

Month Five
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby!
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven
Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus' arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just:
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

And in case you're wondering, no, I didn't write that, but I would be honored to shake the author's hand.