Hate and regret

Okay. Here it is. On Wednesday I got an abortion. I did not want to. I was fighting it all the way. I had no choice. It was either that, or get thrown out of my house, have no support from the dad or my own family and be living on the streets with no insurance. I considered it. I considered making it work, seeing what I could do to change everyone's mind. I tried. Everyday I tried.

I told everyone what it would do to me if they made me go through with it. I told them very bluntly. I guess they didn't believe me.

This past week has been hell for me. I'll never be able to explain the pain I'm going through. So yeah, I planned my suicide. It surrounds my every thought. I couldn't function. I didn't want to anymore. I still don't. A huge part of me died on Wednesday. January 18th. A day I will never forget.

I gave up on my life. I stopped trying, I stopped caring. I stopped talking to everyone around me. I'm mad at everyone and I resent them so much for what they forced me into. I want to blame them. I didn't have a choice in what I did. It would have been different if I had made the choice on my own. But I didn't. It wasn't what I wanted.

If I could go back, well, I'd go back and not get pregnant. But I wouldn't have done what I did. I wouldn't have let push me into it.

Every day is misery. I can't stop crying, I can't stop being angry and upset and hating my life. Every day I think of how much I want to quit. I hate my parents for not supporting me. But I hate them more for thinking I'm supposed to be okay and happy right now. They think I'm upset because I'm trying to manipulate them into something. I'm not, obviously.

Sorry I'm upset. Sorry I can't put on a happy face anymore. I'm sorry I just can't do this. I'm trying to pull myself together...but it's hard to want to live when I'm this deep into my depression.