This one's for you.

So you know have when you lose someone, you usually go through the 5 stages of grief? Well, I've been doing that. Switching back between insane anger and debilitating depression. Im only angry at one person. And you sure as hell know who you are. And if you're reading this, which I never wanted you to in the first place, this is for you. 

I hate you so much for everything you put me through. You don't have the right to be mad at me, and to say the things that you say to me. You think I used you our whole relationship. Well, that logic is severely flawed because I never got anything from you, so how could I use you. We never even went on dates. "Hanging out" was always having sex in the back of your car. I never wanted it. That's why I never wanted to hang out. I hated all the fucking pressure every time.  And yeah, we talked about it. But when I told you I wanted to hang out with no pressure, you never wanted to come around then. I'm not talking about recently. I'm talking about over the summer and our entire relationship before then. It was only after the party at your house that I actually wanted to have sex with you. Every other time I just agreed, to keep you around. 

But even that didn't work because you still cheated on me. And that hurt like you'll never know, because I always thought you'd be the guy to never cheat. To be honest with you, I still think there are more times than I know about that you cheated. And I'll probably never know. That's just something I'm going to have to accept. 

As I write this now, I'm wearing your sweatshirt. The one I had to ask you for. We had been together for a long time, and I wanted something of yours I could have when I couldn't be with you. I wanted you just to give me one. But I had to ask. I still wear it sometimes. And I still get a flood of memories every time I see it. 

I don't want to hate you. I don't want to resent you. I wish we never got in the position we put ourselves in. But more importantly, I wish we both handled it better. I wish you didn't say all the demeaning and hurtful things, I wish you didn't force me into what you forced me into, and I wish you weren't turning to what you're turning to now. I told you what would happen if I got an abortion. I don't know if you didn't listen, you didn't care, or you didn't believe me. But either way, it's not like you didn't know what it would do to me. You just didn't stick around to see the affect. 

I'm not trying to make you look like the bad guy. I'm just saying how I feel. And I know you don't believe it and you think I'm ignorant and don't know what I'm talking about, but I do. I loved you for 3 years of my life. Whether or not you believe that. This wasn't meant to hurt you. I hope you actually never read this. 

But writing on here is my only safe way of venting. There is a reason I didn't want people I know to read this or even know about it. But you found it and I can't control that. I'm over it. I don't want to hate you, but right now that feeling is clouding everything else. 

I gave up on life. I just don't think I'm strong enough anymore.