This one's for you.

So you know have when you lose someone, you usually go through the 5 stages of grief? Well, I've been doing that. Switching back between insane anger and debilitating depression. Im only angry at one person. And you sure as hell know who you are. And if you're reading this, which I never wanted you to in the first place, this is for you. 

I hate you so much for everything you put me through. You don't have the right to be mad at me, and to say the things that you say to me. You think I used you our whole relationship. Well, that logic is severely flawed because I never got anything from you, so how could I use you. We never even went on dates. "Hanging out" was always having sex in the back of your car. I never wanted it. That's why I never wanted to hang out. I hated all the fucking pressure every time.  And yeah, we talked about it. But when I told you I wanted to hang out with no pressure, you never wanted to come around then. I'm not talking about recently. I'm talking about over the summer and our entire relationship before then. It was only after the party at your house that I actually wanted to have sex with you. Every other time I just agreed, to keep you around. 

But even that didn't work because you still cheated on me. And that hurt like you'll never know, because I always thought you'd be the guy to never cheat. To be honest with you, I still think there are more times than I know about that you cheated. And I'll probably never know. That's just something I'm going to have to accept. 

As I write this now, I'm wearing your sweatshirt. The one I had to ask you for. We had been together for a long time, and I wanted something of yours I could have when I couldn't be with you. I wanted you just to give me one. But I had to ask. I still wear it sometimes. And I still get a flood of memories every time I see it. 

I don't want to hate you. I don't want to resent you. I wish we never got in the position we put ourselves in. But more importantly, I wish we both handled it better. I wish you didn't say all the demeaning and hurtful things, I wish you didn't force me into what you forced me into, and I wish you weren't turning to what you're turning to now. I told you what would happen if I got an abortion. I don't know if you didn't listen, you didn't care, or you didn't believe me. But either way, it's not like you didn't know what it would do to me. You just didn't stick around to see the affect. 

I'm not trying to make you look like the bad guy. I'm just saying how I feel. And I know you don't believe it and you think I'm ignorant and don't know what I'm talking about, but I do. I loved you for 3 years of my life. Whether or not you believe that. This wasn't meant to hurt you. I hope you actually never read this. 

But writing on here is my only safe way of venting. There is a reason I didn't want people I know to read this or even know about it. But you found it and I can't control that. I'm over it. I don't want to hate you, but right now that feeling is clouding everything else. 

I gave up on life. I just don't think I'm strong enough anymore. 

Time to be brutally honest

So since school is over, me and my friends made plans for this Monday. My main group of friends consists of my two best friends (girls) and two other guys. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend. I know I haven't  talked about him much, but I will soon. 

Anyway, the plan for Monday so far is to go over my ex's house and drink. Drink a lottt. At least for me. At this point, I just want to numb myself and forget about everything. I don't really care about what happens to me anymore, I just need a night like this. Were probably going to end up sleeping at my exboyfriends house. I've been pretty good about not saying any names of people in my life on here, so I'm going to stick to that. Let's call my ex Carl, just so things flow better. 

Anyway, me and Carl first started going out January 2nd 2010. Things were great at first. I felt loved and I felt safe with him. After about 7 months, things started to change. He was talking to me less, getting more distant, and everything just felt off. So I decided, after 7 months of waiting, to have sex with him. I was a virgin up until that point, and it was like 2 weeks after I turned 16. That's such a huge regret for me. It's still one of my biggest regrets in life. It tore me up inside for months. I don't remember if I was suicidal or not before that, but right around that time was when I first started feeling really suicidal.  
I did it because I thought it would make him love me more, and I thought it would make us closer. Wow, how dumb that was.

Guess what. It didn't change anything. Right after we did it, I looked at him and I said "just don't break my heart, okay?"

In November, I broke up with him. He barely talked to me at that point, and it just hurt more and more everyday. I thought we were going to get back together in maybe a month or two. Well, about a week after we broke up, I found out he cheated on me. I thought it was a lie at first, I thought he would never do that to me. It didn't seem like him. When I confronted him about it in school the next day, he told me what happened. As if it wasn't bad enough that he cheated on me, here's the killer part. It happened right at the beginning of august. Two weeks after we had sex. Two weeks after I lost my virginity to him. Two weeks after he promised he'd never hurt me. Two weeks. Fourteen days. That was the first time I cried in school. I want to say thank you to my two best friends now. If not for them, I don't think I would've made it through that time without some major struggle. 

Well now, after everything that's gone on, I want to get back together with him. I don't even know why. I've been pushing him away for months, and now suddenly I want to get back together. Honestly, I think the only reason why is because I'm just so desperate to feel loved. To have any sort of positive attention. To be accepted. That's all I want. 

Since were probably sleeping over his house Monday, I know I'm going to be pressured for sex. Again. And I don't want to do it. I hate it because of how horrible I feel afterwards. But honestly, I'm probably going to let myself be pressured into it, because I'm so freaking desperate for someone to care about me and for love. 

I'm seriously in so much pain lately. I want it all to stop. I want to be normal and happy. I need to be better. I know I shouldn't drink. I know it's only going to lead to bad things, but I don't even care at this point. I'll let you know how Monday goes. 
Please don't judge me for any of this, I've never admitted this to anyone.