8 years later...

 Wow, guys.

Somehow, 8 years have gone by since my last post. That just...that sounds crazy. 8 years. I feel old now. I wanted to let you all know, whoever the heck is still out there, whoever finds this and wonders, 'hey, what ever happened to that crazy chick?' that I recently started blogging again.

 Something to fight for: Life goes on

Guys, seriously, my story has taken some wild, truly, absolutely wild, turns. I'm a week in, and still sharing my backstory. It feels good to write again, to connect.

This blog, this community, it provided so much for me and I time when I had no support, no hope, anything. I'm hoping to find that again. 

My story is far from over. It's filled with pain, irony, and frankly,  a lot of fucked up stuff. 

But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I hope you all are too. Life really is crazy. I never, EVER, thought life would take me to where I am now. 

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for going on that journey with me for all of these years. Everyone who commented, supported me, just feeling every so slightly less alone in this world made a big difference.

If you're interested, you can find me at http://lifegoeson21.com

It really is a wild journey.

Undeserving

It's a pretty unsatisfying feeling to be living in a place surrounded by love and warmth and acceptance and still feel an undying sense of loneliness and isolation. Living here with Sam has taught me a lot of things. It's taught me that I don't need to starve myself of purge to be beautiful. It's taught me that my past is my past and that making mistakes are okay and that they don't define me. It's taught me that love and a simple hug can be the best kind of medicine. But most importantly, I think living here has taught me that maybe there is hope in a future for me. Because, I gotta tell you, For the past 4 or 5 years I haven't seen a reason good enough to keep me alive past the age of 20.

So, what's the problem then? If all of these good things have come of my move, why has my mental status diminished so rapidly? I think the answer is because despite all of the things listed above that I know and am aware of, when I get to that self-loathing place in my mine, it all goes out the window. It's like none of it maters and I do have to starve myself because my image now, underweight as I may be, is inadequate. And my mistakes and my past are the core of who I am and they are all I can think about. I just think about how much of a huge mistake I am and how I just shouldn't even continue to live anymore an endure this pain that seems to suffocate me. And my self-loathing brain makes me believe that love is not real. It doesn't really exist because it can't. Because no one in their right might could love someone as broken as I am, as hurt as I am, and no one can love someone who doesn't love them self. And I am the furthest thing away from feeling any sense of love for myself.

This is where I struggle in relationships. I have such a big heart and I have so much empathy for others, it's unreal. I always strive to do my best to make everyone I meet just a little bit happier, however I can. But, if I'm such a negative, and I am such a cancer...doesn't that mean that other people's happiness is a direct correlation of my absence? Well, that's how I see it. When people, like Sam, start showing love like that for me, I do everything in my power to turn it around and push them away. It's such a painful thing to do because all I want to feel in this world is love and acceptance and for me to punish myself by so boldly pushing it away kills me.

I do this in every relationship I have. If you're friends with me for more than a year, you're eventually going to get pushed away. In a way, it's kind of like a game or a test to see who cares enough to stay and resist my attempts and who just lets it happen. It is very much a defense mechanism for me. Push people away before they can get rid of me in their life. Cause the pain for myself so others don't have to do it. Make others happier by just getting rid of yourself because they pity you too much to do so. I

I just wish that I was deserving of love. I wish I could just accept it and stop trying to hurt myself, because I know in me pushing people away, I'm hurting those who really do care about me, and I don't want that. I don't know what to do to stop this cycle. It is something I have done and been fully aware of for years now. I know I'm not a terrible person. I know that, just like everyone, I have positive qualities about me and my mistakes are not written all over my forehead. They don't define who I am. I know I need to learn to love myself, but honestly, I just don't have a clue as to how to do that.

Ups and Downs

So, I am no longer living in a hotel for college. Thank God. This semester I actually decided that it would be best for me to take all online classes and move in with my boyfriend. It has worked out surprisingly well and all good things have come of it. Well, mostly all good things. He's gone a lot during the day so I'm mostly here by myself. It sucks because I hate being stuck alone with myself. It drives me crazy. All I do is think and think about all the shit that's wrong with my life. Think about how badly I want to cut and how fat I think I am and other negative things. It's very unpleasant. Since I moved here I have felt very alone. I feel like my boyfriend is the only one I have to lean on, and that's a very scary thing. While we do get alone great and have a very balanced relationship full of joy and happiness, but also seriousness as well, there is always a chance something could happen and it doesn't work out. And if he is all I have...well that just doesn't end well for me, does it.

So I've been clean of a lot of things lately. I haven't cut or burned since November 30th 2012. The reason why is because I got a tattoo of a butterfly on my left side. If anyone knows of the  "Butterfly Effect", that is the reason I got it. It is supposed to symbolize that cutting hurts those you love and who love you and not just yourself. Surrounding the butterfly I got the words "When we trade death for life" and "Freedom" and "Forgiveness". The reason I chose these words and quote is because it comes from a very powerful and meaningful story. It is Renee's Story and it is written by Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). This story and organization is all about the idea of hope and recovery from all things self destructive, from addiction to eating disorders, to cutting and suicide. I think Everybody should become aware of them. They have helped me come out of dark places too many times to count. This is a link to Renee's Story - Renee's Story, To Write Love On Her Arms
And a link to their website -http://www.twloha.com/

This is a picture of it my tattoo:

The reason I decided to get this was because I was cutting way too much. It felt like it was something I had to do 3 or 4 times a day. I needed help stopping and I knew the only way I would be able to was if I was doing it for someone other than myself. I want to, for the rest of my life, say that this day - the day I got my butterfly, was the last day I ever cut or burned myself. And so far I have been successful. But oh boy, have there been some close calls. Just two days ago I was having such a bad anxiety attack and felt so awful and I was so desperate for relief. If  Sam, my boyfriend, hadn't literally taken the lighter away from me, I would have burned. 

It is so important for me to stay strong with this. I know that the very first time I cut or burn, it's all over. I will see no point in continuing to stay clean because I will have already broken. Similarly, I have struggled with and eating disorder for some time now. Starving myself has remained a bit of a problem, but I have been very good about not purging. Since about last April, I have stayed clean from it. But a week or so ago I purged for the first time and I felt terrible about it. But since I have no long and impressive streak of not doing it now, I have continued to starve myself and purge when I do eat and it is a very dysfunctional and sad cycle that I wish I could break, but don't have the strength to do so. 

Craziness

This week, much like many others, has been completely insane. I've been traveling back and fourth between my home and college so much and as soon as I left to go back to school, my car broke down so I had no way to get back. I had to wait at home (which sucked) for my car to be fixed. The reason this sucked was because it was my sisters birthday yesterday. When she found out I was coming home, she screamed at my mom telling her to not allow me to come home. Then as soon as I walked into my house on Monday night, my sister literally started screaming and cursing at me and telling me to leave. It's really a very welcoming environment. I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go.

More and more I'm considering taking online classes next semester so I can go live with my boyfriend. He has an apartment and it's honestly the only place that I feel "home", whatever that is. I'm scared to commit though. Yeah, he asked me to move in, and yeah we're really serious about each other, but what if that all changes? I'm terrified he's going to leave me. I won't be able to handle that if/when that happens. It's a really scary thing. I'm not one to trust anybody easily at all...and right now he has my entire heart in his hands. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

There are many pros and cons to me moving in with him. I wouldn't be alone, I would feel at home, we may or may not get closer, and we would be taking our relationship to a new level, which I do think we're ready for. I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I don't know what to do but I just want to do the right thing. Whatever that is.


Another thing that's going on is that I've been getting increasingly more afraid of people. So I live in a hotel (literally) for school because there aren't enough dorms to hold the students. And I keep my door locked at night and everything, but like I can be sitting in bed just relaxing, watching TV or doing homework or whatever, and I'll hear a people in the hallway and I get so scared for no reason. I'm so scared they're going to like break in and kill me, which is both irrational and impossible. I don't understand this fear. I'm also scared that every guy I see is going to try to rape me or something. That's kind of a rational fear, considering my past at least. I wish I wasn't so crazy. And that I didn't have PTSD or depression or anxiety or anything. I wish they weren't all getting worse. I just want to feel okay. I want to be happy. I want to be functional.

Well, on a more positive note I'm starting my new job in a week or two. I'm working with little kids at a birthday party place. I hope this is a good thing for me, and not a bad thing. It has potential to be very bad, if you know what happened to me about a year ago at this time....

Needing some motivation

I'm starting to hate my life too much for words I even describe. I just honestly have no joy in life anymore. I have one person and that's it. That's not living...I'm not even sure it's existing at this point.  I just want to quit. But I can't because then I would be letting the one person I care about down. But do I even care about that anymore? Is it even worth it? I don't know. Honestly probably not. Long distance relationships are hard, but apparently not as hard as keeping friendships. I live 2 and a half hours away from my boyfriend, and 1 hour away from my "best friend" and I'm way closer to him than I am with her.

She doesn't need me anymore. I'm gone now. It sucks. I feel so completely alone and miserable and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't think there's anything I can do. I'm literally going to be alone forever. I can't trust people. I don't even know how I got my ass into a relationship. For the past 6+ months I've been with this guy, all the while completely doubting it and myself thinking he's going to leave me. And he swears he won't but I'll never be able to believe him. And why should I? Do you know how many times I've heard than only to have it be followed up with that person (or myself) leaving? Do I honestly think we're going to get married? Sure, I want to, but who would want me forever. He doesn't even think I'm going to be alive long enough to make it through this semester.

And I honestly hope I don't. I hope I never ever have to live through another January 18th ever again. That was the single worst day of my life and if I could be gone before that date, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I want to be able to get through all of this. I just need to find some motivation. I need something.

I miss him so much...

I miss him so much. I'm never going to be able to stop missing him. If I wanted to, I could've been in a relationship with 2 other guys by now. I could be hooking up with them. But I'm not. I can't. I can't stop thinking about him and his new girlfriend who I'm so jealous of, and it hurts so bad.

Every time I see them talk on Facebook or whatever I die a little more inside. I want to text him, or talk to him, or see him or anything.

At the end of the day,  it doesn't matter how bad he hurt me, or how bad I hurt him if I did hurt him, I just miss him and would do anything to have him again. I'd sell my soul. Well, whatever is left of it.

I just want to feel love, acceptance, and I want to feel like I'm good enough for someone. But I'm not. He was the only guy I have ever loved, and probably the only guy I will ever allow myself to love.

Who knows if he even still thinks about me. I wonder if I ever cross his mind, or if he ever thinks positively about me. I don't know. Probably not. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.

It hurts to know how he's doing things with this new girl that he used to do with me. It would be so much easier if she wasn't in the picture. It isn't about her. It's not a jealousy thing. If he was single I would've tried to talk to him a long time ago. But I don't want him to think I'm just trying to make things worse for him. I'm not. I want us both to be happy...together.

That's all I want. All I've ever wanted.

I wish he knew how sorry I was for everything that happened. Because I am. I hate myself for it every single day.

I'm not denying it that I handled it badly. I pushed him away so bad. I was so angry...but reasonably so. I was going through the most miserable time of my life and I pushed away the one person I needed the most.

I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry we got in that position, and that it ended so horribly and everything. I probably won't ever forgive myself for it. I know I never will.

It never ends!

It really never ends. So you know my scum bag exboyfriend? We broke up like a week ago. Ya know, after I went through the hardest and most traumatic time of my life for HIM, and he already has a new girlfriend. 

Um...Haha I wonder if she knows he got me pregnant. If she knows he FORCED me into an abortion. If she knows he cheated on me. If she knows how much drugs he does. If she knows how much he verbally bashed me every single day. You go girl, you're gettin a real winner!

I make it sound like a big joke, but it actually hurt like hell. Obviously he was cheating on me with her while all this was going on. He didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. I found out through Facebook. Good right? Whatever. Karma is a bitch and he'll get his eventually. 

I haven't been eating at all. I just haven't been hungry. My anxiety is like off the charts and I can't even breathe anymore. 

My fucking best friend moved to Florida yesterday. I went to her going away party and it was fun until I had to say goodbye. I'm no good at goodbyes. They always seem to mean more to me than other people. Like, it really is goodbye for me. I don't know. 

I've been smoking soo much lately too. I need to. Like, I just can't not smoke. I'm drinking this weekend too thank god. It's been wayyyy to long since I've had alcohol. I think about it everyday. How I just wish I was fucked up and drunk so I didn't have to think or feel. 

Wanna hear what else? I'm getting surgery. February 14th. Valentines day. I find that to be quite ironic and funny. 

The pain of any surgery is nothing compared to the pain I felt when I was with him. 

I'm just not thrilled to be getting surgery. Especially when I'm at this much of a downward spiral. It's just funny because I can't talk to anybody about any of this. No one understands. It's all too heavy for them and they don't know how to deal with it so, they just don't. Whatever...we will all see where this leads. They'll all figure it out sooner or later. 

This one's for you.

So you know have when you lose someone, you usually go through the 5 stages of grief? Well, I've been doing that. Switching back between insane anger and debilitating depression. Im only angry at one person. And you sure as hell know who you are. And if you're reading this, which I never wanted you to in the first place, this is for you. 

I hate you so much for everything you put me through. You don't have the right to be mad at me, and to say the things that you say to me. You think I used you our whole relationship. Well, that logic is severely flawed because I never got anything from you, so how could I use you. We never even went on dates. "Hanging out" was always having sex in the back of your car. I never wanted it. That's why I never wanted to hang out. I hated all the fucking pressure every time.  And yeah, we talked about it. But when I told you I wanted to hang out with no pressure, you never wanted to come around then. I'm not talking about recently. I'm talking about over the summer and our entire relationship before then. It was only after the party at your house that I actually wanted to have sex with you. Every other time I just agreed, to keep you around. 

But even that didn't work because you still cheated on me. And that hurt like you'll never know, because I always thought you'd be the guy to never cheat. To be honest with you, I still think there are more times than I know about that you cheated. And I'll probably never know. That's just something I'm going to have to accept. 

As I write this now, I'm wearing your sweatshirt. The one I had to ask you for. We had been together for a long time, and I wanted something of yours I could have when I couldn't be with you. I wanted you just to give me one. But I had to ask. I still wear it sometimes. And I still get a flood of memories every time I see it. 

I don't want to hate you. I don't want to resent you. I wish we never got in the position we put ourselves in. But more importantly, I wish we both handled it better. I wish you didn't say all the demeaning and hurtful things, I wish you didn't force me into what you forced me into, and I wish you weren't turning to what you're turning to now. I told you what would happen if I got an abortion. I don't know if you didn't listen, you didn't care, or you didn't believe me. But either way, it's not like you didn't know what it would do to me. You just didn't stick around to see the affect. 

I'm not trying to make you look like the bad guy. I'm just saying how I feel. And I know you don't believe it and you think I'm ignorant and don't know what I'm talking about, but I do. I loved you for 3 years of my life. Whether or not you believe that. This wasn't meant to hurt you. I hope you actually never read this. 

But writing on here is my only safe way of venting. There is a reason I didn't want people I know to read this or even know about it. But you found it and I can't control that. I'm over it. I don't want to hate you, but right now that feeling is clouding everything else. 

I gave up on life. I just don't think I'm strong enough anymore. 

Oh I don't know.

I just got off the phone with Mike. I was talking to him for an hour and a half. I'm not used to talking on the phone...it usually causes me a lot of anxiety. My anxiety seems like it's getting worse. 

I like mike so much though. I'm really trying to be a better person for him. We seem like we can both really make each other happy. I'm so scared that I'm going to scare him away though. I haven't told him any of the bad stuff...not in depth anyway. 

I'm afraid that he'll see me as something different than he sees me now and it scares me. I don't want to screw up. I dont want my ex to keep yelling at me. I want happiness. 

He makes me so happy and it feels good. It's harder in one way being in a relationship with someone who you actually like. I mean think about it. If something happens, it's really going to hurt and it will be really bad. But if you're with someone you don't really care about...it won't be as bad or hurt as much. 

I don't know, that's just how I think. I'm going to visit a college tomorrow and I'm nervous. I hate thinking about college. It's one reason why in pushing everyone away. One of my friends is very easy to push away. She doesn't seem like she cares much. It hurts, not guna lie, but I guess I do it to myself. 

On the plus side, I feel slightly less dizzy today. Yay.