Craziness

This week, much like many others, has been completely insane. I've been traveling back and fourth between my home and college so much and as soon as I left to go back to school, my car broke down so I had no way to get back. I had to wait at home (which sucked) for my car to be fixed. The reason this sucked was because it was my sisters birthday yesterday. When she found out I was coming home, she screamed at my mom telling her to not allow me to come home. Then as soon as I walked into my house on Monday night, my sister literally started screaming and cursing at me and telling me to leave. It's really a very welcoming environment. I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go.

More and more I'm considering taking online classes next semester so I can go live with my boyfriend. He has an apartment and it's honestly the only place that I feel "home", whatever that is. I'm scared to commit though. Yeah, he asked me to move in, and yeah we're really serious about each other, but what if that all changes? I'm terrified he's going to leave me. I won't be able to handle that if/when that happens. It's a really scary thing. I'm not one to trust anybody easily at all...and right now he has my entire heart in his hands. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

There are many pros and cons to me moving in with him. I wouldn't be alone, I would feel at home, we may or may not get closer, and we would be taking our relationship to a new level, which I do think we're ready for. I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I don't know what to do but I just want to do the right thing. Whatever that is.


Another thing that's going on is that I've been getting increasingly more afraid of people. So I live in a hotel (literally) for school because there aren't enough dorms to hold the students. And I keep my door locked at night and everything, but like I can be sitting in bed just relaxing, watching TV or doing homework or whatever, and I'll hear a people in the hallway and I get so scared for no reason. I'm so scared they're going to like break in and kill me, which is both irrational and impossible. I don't understand this fear. I'm also scared that every guy I see is going to try to rape me or something. That's kind of a rational fear, considering my past at least. I wish I wasn't so crazy. And that I didn't have PTSD or depression or anxiety or anything. I wish they weren't all getting worse. I just want to feel okay. I want to be happy. I want to be functional.

Well, on a more positive note I'm starting my new job in a week or two. I'm working with little kids at a birthday party place. I hope this is a good thing for me, and not a bad thing. It has potential to be very bad, if you know what happened to me about a year ago at this time....

College

So I have, yet again, been gone for a while. That's because as you know, almost everybody who reads my blog doesn't know me personally. My ex boyfriend somehow got a hold of this and was reading it for a while. Oh well. So I just wanted to stop writing to let it die down for a while until he and everyone else forgot about it. But now here I am.

I'm in college now. I hate it. Not the school itself, but the whole idea of it. I'm trying to be good enough for my parents, my boyfriend, myself and the rest of my family, I've already let everyone down so much already. If it was up to me I would just drop out of school now. I'm just so unmotivated.

I don't know if there was a time when I was doing better. I'm sure as hell going down a bad path now, I can tell you that much. I'm not sleeping, eating way to much (soon to stop that), and just so anxious and depressed all the time. My PTSD has also gotten very, very bad.

I always want to be...well, not sober. And I'm absolutely terrified of guys. I have good reason though. I mean, being raped by not one, but two different guys within the past year has really fucked me up.

I also feel like I have No home at all. I mean, for college, I literally live in a hotel. There's too many students than there are dorms, so a bunch of us live in hotels in the area. So between that and traveling 2 and a half hours to visit my boyfriend and going home on weekend, I just feel so nomadic. I hate it. It's one of the worst feelings ever.
I don't know. It just hasn't been a good transition for me. I've been isolating myself a hell of a lot lately also. My roommate is gone for the next 12 days. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to do something stupid within that time. Who knows. I honestly don't know whats going to happen anymore. I just want everything to be okay but I know that's probably not possible anymore. I need help, advice, something on how to get through this.

I don't want to be inconsistent....so I'm going to be writing a lot. It's not like I have anything better to do really.