8 years later...

 Wow, guys.

Somehow, 8 years have gone by since my last post. That just...that sounds crazy. 8 years. I feel old now. I wanted to let you all know, whoever the heck is still out there, whoever finds this and wonders, 'hey, what ever happened to that crazy chick?' that I recently started blogging again.

 Something to fight for: Life goes on

Guys, seriously, my story has taken some wild, truly, absolutely wild, turns. I'm a week in, and still sharing my backstory. It feels good to write again, to connect.

This blog, this community, it provided so much for me and I time when I had no support, no hope, anything. I'm hoping to find that again. 

My story is far from over. It's filled with pain, irony, and frankly,  a lot of fucked up stuff. 

But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I hope you all are too. Life really is crazy. I never, EVER, thought life would take me to where I am now. 

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for going on that journey with me for all of these years. Everyone who commented, supported me, just feeling every so slightly less alone in this world made a big difference.

If you're interested, you can find me at http://lifegoeson21.com

It really is a wild journey.

Craziness

This week, much like many others, has been completely insane. I've been traveling back and fourth between my home and college so much and as soon as I left to go back to school, my car broke down so I had no way to get back. I had to wait at home (which sucked) for my car to be fixed. The reason this sucked was because it was my sisters birthday yesterday. When she found out I was coming home, she screamed at my mom telling her to not allow me to come home. Then as soon as I walked into my house on Monday night, my sister literally started screaming and cursing at me and telling me to leave. It's really a very welcoming environment. I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go.

More and more I'm considering taking online classes next semester so I can go live with my boyfriend. He has an apartment and it's honestly the only place that I feel "home", whatever that is. I'm scared to commit though. Yeah, he asked me to move in, and yeah we're really serious about each other, but what if that all changes? I'm terrified he's going to leave me. I won't be able to handle that if/when that happens. It's a really scary thing. I'm not one to trust anybody easily at all...and right now he has my entire heart in his hands. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

There are many pros and cons to me moving in with him. I wouldn't be alone, I would feel at home, we may or may not get closer, and we would be taking our relationship to a new level, which I do think we're ready for. I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I don't know what to do but I just want to do the right thing. Whatever that is.


Another thing that's going on is that I've been getting increasingly more afraid of people. So I live in a hotel (literally) for school because there aren't enough dorms to hold the students. And I keep my door locked at night and everything, but like I can be sitting in bed just relaxing, watching TV or doing homework or whatever, and I'll hear a people in the hallway and I get so scared for no reason. I'm so scared they're going to like break in and kill me, which is both irrational and impossible. I don't understand this fear. I'm also scared that every guy I see is going to try to rape me or something. That's kind of a rational fear, considering my past at least. I wish I wasn't so crazy. And that I didn't have PTSD or depression or anxiety or anything. I wish they weren't all getting worse. I just want to feel okay. I want to be happy. I want to be functional.

Well, on a more positive note I'm starting my new job in a week or two. I'm working with little kids at a birthday party place. I hope this is a good thing for me, and not a bad thing. It has potential to be very bad, if you know what happened to me about a year ago at this time....

Breast Cancer Awareness

So, as you many of you guys know, this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Breast cancer in particular hits really close to home for me. My aunt died from it at a very young age, my other aunt just got diagnosed with it a few years ago, my grandmother had it twice, and it's only a matter of time before my own mom gets it. Everybody in my family (on both sides) has had breast cancer.

I'm going to be doing the breast cancer walk on October 21st. I encourage all of you to participate in the walk, or raise money for finding a cure or anything. I've been raising money at my college and by making and selling these bracelets.

For me, depression is something that is such a hidden and unseen disease. Just like anxiety or PTSD or any other illness along these lines. But breast cancer is something that is so out there. It's so publicized and everyone wants to help raise money for a cure for it. It is not nearly as stigmatized as mental illnesses. 

So I just hope that one day, people care enough to recognize and support mental illnesses just like they do with other, more visible, diseases. Because while depression and other things are not as publicized, they can be just as deadly as a cancer. I often refer to my own depression as a cancer.

In the meantime, I will continue to dedicate endless amounts of my time and energy to raise money and awareness for breast cancer. If I can't save the lives of those who suffer from "hidden illnesses", I at least want to  try to save the lives of Millions of people around the world. I hope you all do also. After all, it could be you, or your mother or sister or aunt or cousin or anybody. Cancer, like depression, doesn't discriminate. 

And hey, maybe one day the world will return the favor and have mental illness be less stigmatized and something that people can understand the devastating affects of.