Ups and Downs

So, I am no longer living in a hotel for college. Thank God. This semester I actually decided that it would be best for me to take all online classes and move in with my boyfriend. It has worked out surprisingly well and all good things have come of it. Well, mostly all good things. He's gone a lot during the day so I'm mostly here by myself. It sucks because I hate being stuck alone with myself. It drives me crazy. All I do is think and think about all the shit that's wrong with my life. Think about how badly I want to cut and how fat I think I am and other negative things. It's very unpleasant. Since I moved here I have felt very alone. I feel like my boyfriend is the only one I have to lean on, and that's a very scary thing. While we do get alone great and have a very balanced relationship full of joy and happiness, but also seriousness as well, there is always a chance something could happen and it doesn't work out. And if he is all I have...well that just doesn't end well for me, does it.

So I've been clean of a lot of things lately. I haven't cut or burned since November 30th 2012. The reason why is because I got a tattoo of a butterfly on my left side. If anyone knows of the  "Butterfly Effect", that is the reason I got it. It is supposed to symbolize that cutting hurts those you love and who love you and not just yourself. Surrounding the butterfly I got the words "When we trade death for life" and "Freedom" and "Forgiveness". The reason I chose these words and quote is because it comes from a very powerful and meaningful story. It is Renee's Story and it is written by Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). This story and organization is all about the idea of hope and recovery from all things self destructive, from addiction to eating disorders, to cutting and suicide. I think Everybody should become aware of them. They have helped me come out of dark places too many times to count. This is a link to Renee's Story - Renee's Story, To Write Love On Her Arms
And a link to their website -http://www.twloha.com/

This is a picture of it my tattoo:

The reason I decided to get this was because I was cutting way too much. It felt like it was something I had to do 3 or 4 times a day. I needed help stopping and I knew the only way I would be able to was if I was doing it for someone other than myself. I want to, for the rest of my life, say that this day - the day I got my butterfly, was the last day I ever cut or burned myself. And so far I have been successful. But oh boy, have there been some close calls. Just two days ago I was having such a bad anxiety attack and felt so awful and I was so desperate for relief. If  Sam, my boyfriend, hadn't literally taken the lighter away from me, I would have burned. 

It is so important for me to stay strong with this. I know that the very first time I cut or burn, it's all over. I will see no point in continuing to stay clean because I will have already broken. Similarly, I have struggled with and eating disorder for some time now. Starving myself has remained a bit of a problem, but I have been very good about not purging. Since about last April, I have stayed clean from it. But a week or so ago I purged for the first time and I felt terrible about it. But since I have no long and impressive streak of not doing it now, I have continued to starve myself and purge when I do eat and it is a very dysfunctional and sad cycle that I wish I could break, but don't have the strength to do so. 

Craziness

This week, much like many others, has been completely insane. I've been traveling back and fourth between my home and college so much and as soon as I left to go back to school, my car broke down so I had no way to get back. I had to wait at home (which sucked) for my car to be fixed. The reason this sucked was because it was my sisters birthday yesterday. When she found out I was coming home, she screamed at my mom telling her to not allow me to come home. Then as soon as I walked into my house on Monday night, my sister literally started screaming and cursing at me and telling me to leave. It's really a very welcoming environment. I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go.

More and more I'm considering taking online classes next semester so I can go live with my boyfriend. He has an apartment and it's honestly the only place that I feel "home", whatever that is. I'm scared to commit though. Yeah, he asked me to move in, and yeah we're really serious about each other, but what if that all changes? I'm terrified he's going to leave me. I won't be able to handle that if/when that happens. It's a really scary thing. I'm not one to trust anybody easily at all...and right now he has my entire heart in his hands. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

There are many pros and cons to me moving in with him. I wouldn't be alone, I would feel at home, we may or may not get closer, and we would be taking our relationship to a new level, which I do think we're ready for. I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I don't know what to do but I just want to do the right thing. Whatever that is.


Another thing that's going on is that I've been getting increasingly more afraid of people. So I live in a hotel (literally) for school because there aren't enough dorms to hold the students. And I keep my door locked at night and everything, but like I can be sitting in bed just relaxing, watching TV or doing homework or whatever, and I'll hear a people in the hallway and I get so scared for no reason. I'm so scared they're going to like break in and kill me, which is both irrational and impossible. I don't understand this fear. I'm also scared that every guy I see is going to try to rape me or something. That's kind of a rational fear, considering my past at least. I wish I wasn't so crazy. And that I didn't have PTSD or depression or anxiety or anything. I wish they weren't all getting worse. I just want to feel okay. I want to be happy. I want to be functional.

Well, on a more positive note I'm starting my new job in a week or two. I'm working with little kids at a birthday party place. I hope this is a good thing for me, and not a bad thing. It has potential to be very bad, if you know what happened to me about a year ago at this time....

Breast Cancer Awareness

So, as you many of you guys know, this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Breast cancer in particular hits really close to home for me. My aunt died from it at a very young age, my other aunt just got diagnosed with it a few years ago, my grandmother had it twice, and it's only a matter of time before my own mom gets it. Everybody in my family (on both sides) has had breast cancer.

I'm going to be doing the breast cancer walk on October 21st. I encourage all of you to participate in the walk, or raise money for finding a cure or anything. I've been raising money at my college and by making and selling these bracelets.

For me, depression is something that is such a hidden and unseen disease. Just like anxiety or PTSD or any other illness along these lines. But breast cancer is something that is so out there. It's so publicized and everyone wants to help raise money for a cure for it. It is not nearly as stigmatized as mental illnesses. 

So I just hope that one day, people care enough to recognize and support mental illnesses just like they do with other, more visible, diseases. Because while depression and other things are not as publicized, they can be just as deadly as a cancer. I often refer to my own depression as a cancer.

In the meantime, I will continue to dedicate endless amounts of my time and energy to raise money and awareness for breast cancer. If I can't save the lives of those who suffer from "hidden illnesses", I at least want to  try to save the lives of Millions of people around the world. I hope you all do also. After all, it could be you, or your mother or sister or aunt or cousin or anybody. Cancer, like depression, doesn't discriminate. 

And hey, maybe one day the world will return the favor and have mental illness be less stigmatized and something that people can understand the devastating affects of.

College

So I have, yet again, been gone for a while. That's because as you know, almost everybody who reads my blog doesn't know me personally. My ex boyfriend somehow got a hold of this and was reading it for a while. Oh well. So I just wanted to stop writing to let it die down for a while until he and everyone else forgot about it. But now here I am.

I'm in college now. I hate it. Not the school itself, but the whole idea of it. I'm trying to be good enough for my parents, my boyfriend, myself and the rest of my family, I've already let everyone down so much already. If it was up to me I would just drop out of school now. I'm just so unmotivated.

I don't know if there was a time when I was doing better. I'm sure as hell going down a bad path now, I can tell you that much. I'm not sleeping, eating way to much (soon to stop that), and just so anxious and depressed all the time. My PTSD has also gotten very, very bad.

I always want to be...well, not sober. And I'm absolutely terrified of guys. I have good reason though. I mean, being raped by not one, but two different guys within the past year has really fucked me up.

I also feel like I have No home at all. I mean, for college, I literally live in a hotel. There's too many students than there are dorms, so a bunch of us live in hotels in the area. So between that and traveling 2 and a half hours to visit my boyfriend and going home on weekend, I just feel so nomadic. I hate it. It's one of the worst feelings ever.
I don't know. It just hasn't been a good transition for me. I've been isolating myself a hell of a lot lately also. My roommate is gone for the next 12 days. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to do something stupid within that time. Who knows. I honestly don't know whats going to happen anymore. I just want everything to be okay but I know that's probably not possible anymore. I need help, advice, something on how to get through this.

I don't want to be inconsistent....so I'm going to be writing a lot. It's not like I have anything better to do really.

Holidays are triggers

She ruins everything. Every holiday, every family get together, anything good. I can't take it. She can't deal with people being happy, or celebrations, so she literally ruins it. 

It's Easter today for my family (Greek Easter) and it's supposed to be a really fun and happy day. But my fucking sister always ruins it. She screams and is unappreciative and makes my mom stressed and I can't deal with it anymore. 

I need to cut so bad right now because of what she's doing but I'm trying really hard not to. Today is going to be a hard enough day for me as it is without her added bullshit. I need to get out of here. I can't stay. I'm really starting to panic. 

My anxiety is getting so high lately and I can't really even function. My body is betraying me just as much as my mind. I want to cry. I want to just break down but I can't. I wish I could let myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me. 

Today is supposed to be a good day. My favorite cousins are coming over, I love everyone on my dads side. They are the ones with the 2 young kids. There will be a lot of food (most of which I cooked this year), and my friends are even coming. My best friend and also the new ones I've been hanging out with almost everyday. I'm excited for them to meet my family, and for my family to meet them. 

It's all a trigger for me. It's hard putting on a happy face. I don't know that I can do it today. It's going to be hard eating so much and in front of people. The past few holidays and family get togethers when there has been a lot of food, I went upstairs to throw up multiple times. I know I'm going to need to do that today. But I won't be able to get away with it, seeing as my friends will be here, and they know I do that. So they will never let me leave by myself. 

I'm scared. Last time on thanksgiving when I was this triggered, I went out and hung out with Brian because I needed that attention. I knew it would be negative attention but I didn't care. I couldn't be alone. 

Well, I certainly don't have him to lean on anymore. I'm hoping today I'll have my friends to lean on, and one of them in particular is really good at picking up on my subtle signals of anxiety and stuff. I'm kind of going to be relying on him to keep me...out of trouble. He doesn't know that, but he doesn't need to. 

I'll let you all know how today goes. Happy Greek Easter!!!!
And happy belated Easter for everyone else!
And happy Passover too!
And of course, happy whatever to anything I missed. 

Long weekend

This was an interesting weekend  for me to say the least. I went out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 

Thursday I got incredibly high, followed by a hugeee binge. That led to me throwing up for a very long time. Then Friday I refused to eat at all because of what happened the day before. 

I stayed sober Friday but it was really hard. I've been putting on this front, this happy face all weekend. It's harder to be around people because I feel like I have to protect them from myself. 

Saturday I went out with a group of people I've been getting close with lately. It's been really good for me. I feel like they are my parents, siblings, friends, and other things all at the same time. It just feels really good to have that in my life. And I really appreciate it. They are all older than me (two of them are 23, one around 30, and the other 18) but they don't treat me like I'm younger, which I really appreciate. I feel like they actually respect me and I love it. 

We were supposed to go to a bowling alley for a fundraiser but my anxiety was so bad. That's been increasing for me lately too. We went but I couldn't even stay inside. I had to go outside and sit in the car. My friend came with me so I wasn't alone which was good. I had a huge anxiety attack, smoked a cigarette, felt really nauseous, and then eventually I calmed down. My social anxiety is seriously becoming a problem to the point where it is interfering with my life. 

I got really drunk on Saturday night too. I only had one 4loko and it messed me up. I can usually handle a lotttt more than that so I don't know why I got so bad. I guess my tolerance severely lowered after I stopped drinking so much because of...yeah. I got to the point of throwing up and blacking out. I think the only reason I threw up though is because I felt really sick before. Because I usually never get sick. Oh well, no harm done. 


Today I'm going on a road trip with the two 23 year olds. I'm really excited. I don't know where we are going, or what we're doing, but I'm just excited that I'm going on a road trip and stuff. I love the car. I love being able to blast music and just...think. I dont know.. Being in the car does something for me. 

I have so much more to say, but not right now. I'm sure I'll write in the car though. 

I hope everyone else is doing well. 

Triggered once again

This weekend was really hard for me. I was triggered in every sense of the word. I had my baby cousins 1st and 4th birthday party to go to, and I spent a lot of time with the baby. There were kids everywhere and pregnant moms and I was so overwhelmed. 

When they sang Happy Birthday I lost it. That is something my baby will never hear. That hurt me a lot. 

My insomnia has been so bad lately. It caught up with me last night. I fell asleep at 5pm and woke up at 6:30am. I guess I really needed that. 

When I say I'm stressed and overwhelmed...I mean it's driving me to the point where I break down from it almost daily. I'm past my breaking point. 

I started burning. I don't know if it's better, worse, or the same as cutting, but I've done it a few times. I can't stop hurting myself. I haven't eaten in four days. Im in some serious trouble. I don't know how to be better. Help?

The real me

There are days when I can put on a happy face. 
There are moments where I can act like nothing is bothering me. 
There are times when I can pretend my anxiety isn't there, and everyone believes it but me. 
There are days when I eat literally nothing at all, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I did. 

Then there are the days when I just can't fake it. I can't pretend to smile for your sake. I can't put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. And I can't pretend that I don't think about it constantly. 

I can't always put on a happy face for other people. It's really hard. I literally do it more than half of the time, and it makes everything worse. I feel more isolated, more depressed, fake, and more unloved. Why can't I just be me?
  
Because let me tell you, the real me is not happy. And I just so wish that I didn't have to pretend all the time. Pretending is the same as lying and I hate lying. It makes me sad. I'm such a different person than the one that the world sees. I'm not sure if anybody knows the real me. 



Want to know the truth? I'm severely depressed. Most people know that. I have social anxiety disorder, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist. I've been suicidal for a while, but it's intensity varies. And right now? The intensity is off the charts high. Everyone else pretends that part of me doesn't exist. 
And home life? Horrible. Down right abusive depending on the day. 
If you want me to go there and be honest, I will. I mean, we are talking about the real me, right? So fine. I guess I'm anorexic and bulimic. I hate labels and I never wanted to turn into that. But I guess I have. I cut way too often. I drink a lot, I smoke a lot, but I never did a drug.

Until yesterday. For the first time ever, I smoked weed and got soo high. I didn't just smoke a little bit. It was a lot. I've never turned to drugs before. Ever. And it was something I was proud of. Like oh, well I'm incredibly fucked up but at least I've never done drugs. Can't say that now. 

That hurts. But nothing has ever hurt more than what I've been through in the past few months. The real me got pregnant. And forced 100% against my will to get an abortion. It haunts me every single day. It never leaves my mind. I don't forgive myself for it. And I deserve to feel all the pain. I will never forgive myself for letting everyone else have their way on something that only I should've had a choice in. 

All of the above and more is what makes me a fuck up. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve anything good at all. 

Most importantly, the real me wants help, but doesn't know how to get it.

See, not many people at all know the real me. But it seems like the ones who are the closest to knowing, do nothing at all to change it or help. So that's why I put on the happy face. So they don't have to deal with it. 

Well, fuck that. 

Good News Bad News

So, I've managed to stay out of trouble. Can't guarantee tomorrow though. I think my friend talked to my guidance counselor about me today. Honestly though...I hope she did. I need to be helped. I'm just so afraid of my parents. My mom showed me first hand what her reaction would be like. She started flipping out today over nothing..because I was upset and in a bad mood. And she got mad because "I have no right to be upset". Ok mom. I didn't just go through the worst possible thing ever. Whatever. 

I'm just so scared to make them angry or stressed or sad and that's why I haven't went out looking for help myself. Because I can't. Subconsciously I think I want my friend to tell my my counselor how screwed up I am because I can't get help for myself, and my school has to help if they knew how much of a wreck I really was. All it would take is one look at my arm and I'd get sent straight to inpatient. Thats how bad it is. I'm not sure if that would be good for me. I don't know if it will help me or cause more stress. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I guess I'll just let everything play out and see how tomorrow goes. 

Wanna hear some good news?! 
I got a car today!!!!!! It's a 1996 Mercury Sable but it only has like 67,000 miles on it so it's not bad at all. Driving makes me nervous. I have soo much anxiety about it but I love the freedom. I just really need to work on being less scared. 

I don't know what today would have turned into if I didn't have the anticipation of driving my new car home. It was a really really bad day before that. I'm scared for tomorrow. 

I'm scared of myself. Things need to change...quickly. 

First day back at school

Every night it feels like I just get closer and closer to suicide. Ya know...take one extra pill, cut a little deeper, where does it end? Where is my way out? Is the end when I eventually go overboard and die? Or is it when someone decides to care and notice how miserably I'm doing? I don't know. And quite honestly, I don't care anymore. 

I went to another doctor about my legs yesterday, and it's the same old crap. I go in with one problem, and come out with 3. I always confuse doctors. I've never had a simple solution or diagnosis and it's so frustrating. 

Today is my first day back at school but I don't want to go. Yes I want to leave my house, but I hate school. I hate everyone at school except for my teachers and guidance counselors. All the kids I just have no respect for anymore. They don't need me around. 

It's so easy for me to isolate myself and detach from everyone. Sometimes I think that's best. It makes it easier for everyone in the long run. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make myself better. I wish I knew but I just don't. 

I haven't been to therapy since I had surgery, and I'm probably not going back because we can't afford it or something. My mom is always complaining about money. I know it's my fault because of all my medical expenses. I wish we never had to go through that. 

I punched a wall really hard again yesterday and my hand is all messed up. I hope my parents don't notice. Thy usually don't, but when they do they get mad. As always. Never concerned or upset, just angry. 

Well, wish me luck on my first day back at school! I have so much anxiety about it. I hate having social anxiety disorder. It makes everything worse. At least it's Wednesday and I get to go out for a little bit after. 

Invisible Children

Do you ever find yourself to be in a room full of people, but just feel horribly alone? Invisible even? That happens to me all the time. It sucks. I can never feel good enough, or connected enough, or anything. 

Even when I write on here sometimes I don't feel good enough. I find myself to write and then erase and rewrite and it gets frustrating. So then I won't write, and I'll get anxiety about it and it's a  vicious cycle. That happens not only in my writing, but with everything in my life. 

If I do something, I want to do it well. I want to exceed. If I feel like I'm just not doing good enough, I quit. I just give up. It really frustrates me. I want to be good enough. For anyone. I want to be loved and I would do anything to feel love. Anything. 

Desperation is not a pleasant feeling. 

As far as eating and all of that goes, I thought I was doing better. Truth is, I was just happy because I was loosing weight by sitting on the couch and using crutches and not eating as much I guess. I'm back to around 100 now which is good. 

I thought I was better, but today proved me wrong. I ate what I thought was too much and I didn't like it. I didn't like how it felt. So yeah I slipped back into some old habits. It doesn't make me feel better. Truth is, it just makes me feel even worse. 

I don't know how many of you guys have heard of this, but today I was doing a lot thinking about this and it's really important. Not important to me, or to you, but the world. It just puts prospective on things. 

As invisible as I'll ever be and feel, at least I'm not a child soldier. I'm help captive inside a depressed 17 year olds body, but I'm not forced to kill my family or anything like that. 

Truth is, we all are lucky. Please please please watch this video, and do what you can to help. Yes it's 30 minuets, but if I can sit through it willingly, you can all make time for it. You really need to. 

For me getting involved in important things like this makes me feel important. Maybe that's what my purpose is. So here I am, spreading the world. I got my a bunch of people on board already, and now I'm asking all of you guys to help stop this. 


http://s3.amazonaws.com/kony2012/kony.html  

Please watch. It really makes you think. Imagine what we can accomplish if we all just work together. Nothing is impossible with teamwork. Nothing. 

Relapse

Sometimes my head feels like a big jumbled mess. Like nothing makes sense. I have so many thoughts but when I try to verbalize them, they never come out right and I get frustrated. 

This week has been a pretty horrible one. Everything was a trigger. I would start crying over everything. Anything that brought back a memory...I just couldn't deal with it. Every time I see a kid or a pregnant lady..I don't know I just can't deal with it yet. 

Sleeping has become a disaster again. I wake up around 5 times a night. I have such horrible nightmares. I wake up crying a lot lately...I'm not sure what's going on with me that it's getting so bad. I had such bad dreams last night too. I hate it. I used to turn to sleep as an escape..as a way to shut my mind down, so I wouldn't have to suffer. Now sleep has become the opposite and it's just as bad as my reality is.  When I wake up I just feel weak. My heart is pounding and I'm shaking like crazy. It's not just an emotional reaction...the fact that my body is having such a physical reaction to it kind of scares me because I don't know why it's happening. 

I cut my arm up pretty bad yesterday. I hadn't cut in a good amount of time before yesterday...I wasn't happy with myself. 

My anxiety is increasing pretty steadily too. I was supposed to go out last night, but decided not to at the last minute because my anxiety was just out of control. 

I told you this would happen. I feel like I've relapsed so hard and I knew it was coming. It happens every time after surgery. I don't know why its like that but I hate it. I don't want to be this miserable, I don't want to get worse and I don't know how to stop it. 

I can't talk to anybody about it. I have no one to talk to and I feel so alone. I hate this. I can't deal with it. I need to be able to just talk to someone, any of my friends but they just don't care enough to listen. 

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch and a bottle of pain killers was right next to me looking oh so sweet...I literally threw it across the room to get it away from me. I actually poured them out into my hand and counted them to see if that would be enough to kill me. God I'm fucked up...I just can't do this alone anymore. 

It never ends!

It really never ends. So you know my scum bag exboyfriend? We broke up like a week ago. Ya know, after I went through the hardest and most traumatic time of my life for HIM, and he already has a new girlfriend. 

Um...Haha I wonder if she knows he got me pregnant. If she knows he FORCED me into an abortion. If she knows he cheated on me. If she knows how much drugs he does. If she knows how much he verbally bashed me every single day. You go girl, you're gettin a real winner!

I make it sound like a big joke, but it actually hurt like hell. Obviously he was cheating on me with her while all this was going on. He didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. I found out through Facebook. Good right? Whatever. Karma is a bitch and he'll get his eventually. 

I haven't been eating at all. I just haven't been hungry. My anxiety is like off the charts and I can't even breathe anymore. 

My fucking best friend moved to Florida yesterday. I went to her going away party and it was fun until I had to say goodbye. I'm no good at goodbyes. They always seem to mean more to me than other people. Like, it really is goodbye for me. I don't know. 

I've been smoking soo much lately too. I need to. Like, I just can't not smoke. I'm drinking this weekend too thank god. It's been wayyyy to long since I've had alcohol. I think about it everyday. How I just wish I was fucked up and drunk so I didn't have to think or feel. 

Wanna hear what else? I'm getting surgery. February 14th. Valentines day. I find that to be quite ironic and funny. 

The pain of any surgery is nothing compared to the pain I felt when I was with him. 

I'm just not thrilled to be getting surgery. Especially when I'm at this much of a downward spiral. It's just funny because I can't talk to anybody about any of this. No one understands. It's all too heavy for them and they don't know how to deal with it so, they just don't. Whatever...we will all see where this leads. They'll all figure it out sooner or later. 

Why do I feel so different?

Why does my brain work differently than others? I'm not just talking about my depression and anxiety, but I mean really different. Like, the whole bigger picture.

I think differently than other people. I see things they don't see. I understand things they can't even begin to imagine. I'm more realistic, down to earth, observant, and aware.  I'm not normal. It's not normal. I'm not just talking about like, regular things. Maybe you are going to have absolutely no idea what I'm trying to say, but I'm going to try anyway.

All my life I've felt different. Almost special. Like I can do things and understand things other people can't. I hate myself more than words can describe. But always since I was little, there has always been SOMETHING different that I just don't understand and can't explain. And other people see it in me too. My guidance counselor, teachers, even my parents recognize it sometimes. And for my parents to recognize it, means something is really there.

My whole life I have always wanted to make a difference to someone. I want to make an impact. Change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but the world of somebody. I feel like I was born different. Born with the ability to change something or do something important. I don't know what it is, but I feel so disconnected and different than everyone else.

I have an amazing ability to notice the unnoticeable.  Observe the most insignificant of details. Be able to tell when someone is lying. Focus on something like you would never think possible. I'm an amazing writer, and always seem to find the right words to explain something, even when I can't say it outloud. I can always write it. I just feel so overly aware of absolutely everything. And I can read emotions off of someone's face like a book. It's almost like a game sometimes. Like go ahead, try to play me like a fool. I'm smarter than you think. I see through some people like clear plastic wrap. And it's funny because they have no idea. I must have developed that skill because of my sister. Since she has BPD and a million other things, I learned at a young age how to pick out the manipulative lies from the truth. No ones a better liar than her, and she doesn't fool me. Still fools my parents though.

My brain is always going. Never shuts off. It's always thinking about how to do things differently than how something is working now, or always trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. By looking at someone's face, I feel like I can almost read there thoughts based on their composure. It's weird. I've always been like that. I think that's where my anxiety stems from. I'm fully aware of when my presence isn't wanted, or someone is in a bad mood but I don't know why. Social anxiety disorder. I really think my skills in reading other people is a bigger obstacle than it is an asset.

Maybe this all sounds completely crazy. I think that sometimes. That other people must think I'm completely nuts. That frustrates me. I'm not crazy at all. I'm one of the calmest and most down to earth people I know. And listen, for me to give myself any credit whatsoever is ridiculously rare. So you know its not bullshit.

I don't want my life to go to waste. I want to find my purpose. I need to. In order for me to feel important, or like I'm not just wasting a life, I need to be able to do something important. I don't want to do insignificant things. I don't want to work at a bakery and serve people coffee and bagels. Yeah, I'm only 17 and have the whole rest of my life ahead of me, but what if I dont? What if my life ended tomorrow, or next week, or 3 years from now? What will my life have meant? Who will I have affected? Was I just a waste of space and resources?

Maybe I'm not different or special, but I'm at least a hell of a lot more aware of myself and social cues than anyone I know. I get overwhelmed with details sometimes. Like I have to try to remember everything about a new room I walk into, and every feature on a new person I meet. It gets frustrating when I can't absorb everything. My mom notices that about me. She sees how whenever we go into a new area, my eyes are darting everywhere and my brain is going a million miles an hour. I don't know why I do it. I think it just helps me understand more about the world. Why things are the way the are. Why people do certain things.

I'm always that person that has to know why things are the way they are. I hate not knowing, but I hate not understanding more. If I don't understand something, I'll ask a million questions and read about it until I do.

Or I'll write on here and ask you guys for your opinions. Why do you think I'm like that? What can I do in my life to find a purpose, or to help someone else, or just do something important?  I feel like I need to do something important. I always feel like it's up to me to save the world. Guess that's why I never bother to try to save myself. But seriously, what can I do? Please give me some input.

Alright, well that's my thoughts of the day. Hope I didn't confuse you as much as I confused myself!

UPDATE:

June 22nd, 2021

Hey guys! The fact that this post is still reaching this much of an audience is seriously amazing. It is one of my favorites that I've ever written and remains very authentic and true to how I feel and see the world. I wanted to let you know that I've started writing again and have a new blog up. If you're interested, you can find it here:

Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

Thanks for all the love over the years.

Hope you all are hanging in there. Much love. 

 

No motivation...

I just have absolutely no motivation anymore. No reason to get out of bed, to get dressed, to literally do anything. All I do is sit like a fucking bum and do nothing. 

And I guess no one sees any sort of problem in this. I refuse to leave my house, even talking to people is becoming a seemingly impossible task. I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away. My anxiety is spiking severely too. I can't control my mind. It's wandering to every bad thought that I don't want to think about. 

How the hell do I get outside of my head? I don't want to be trapped like this. I want to feel better. I don't want to be in this situation. I want to be dead. That's it. That's my goal in life. To stop all the pain. No one listens to me long enough to take me seriously anyway. It sucks. 

I'm never going to be me again. I'm never going to be happy, or enjoy life, or go out with "friends" or do anything. I literally can't find enough energy to open my mouth to respond to my parents when they ask me something. I just grunt. I guess they're used to that though. 

My stupid parents care about my dog more than they care about me. I guess that makes sense. My dog never got pregnant. She never tried to kill herself and she doesn't hate her life and want to die. I would care more about my dog than I would about me too. 

I feel nauseous and depressed and tired and anxious and I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I've never felt this much pain in my life and I need it to stop. 

Depression is like...the weather?

I came home from school early today. I just needed at least part of the day to myself so I could just unwind. I really wish I could've talked to my guidance counselor, but she wasn't there. She won't be there tomorrow either. I hope shes doing okay too. 

Do you ever feel like sometimes your just trapped in this whirlwind of emotions that you just can't get out of? I feel like that. I feel like I'm trapped inside of my own mind. It's a frustrating thing to think about. 

My depression has seriously taken a toll for the worse. I feel like just an old, stray, and abused dog who is just looking to anyone and anything for love and protection. I really am just looking for somebody to be my hero. But I know that's unrealistic. I have to be my own hero. 

I think I'm starting to realize that the only person who can save me, is me. No matter what anyone says, what anyone does, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who can change me. And I think that scares me so much because I don't believe in myself. I don't think I'm capable of saving myself. I feel like every time I try, I dig myself deeper into the hole I'm already in. 

This is something I would love to share with everyone who doesn't understand depression, or anxiety disorders, or anything along the lines of that:
Depression is very much like the weather. It is what it is. If it's raining, it's raining. If it's snowy, than it's snowy. There isn't a thing that ANYBODY can do about it, no matter how hard we try. Sure, we can get an umbrella, and we can dress differently, but its only a mask. You strip away all the materialistic items, and all you're left with is the fact that it's raining. Or snowing. 

Depression is the same simply because it IS what it IS. We don't choose it, we can't change it no matter how hard we try, and we can't just pretend it's not there. It's just not that easy. 

But another thing about the weather, is that no matter how rainy, the sun will always come out. Be it for a day, or an hour, or however long. It will come again. It can rain for weeks and weeks, but there will always be some sunshine. That's what I think we all need to keep focusing on. I've been waiting for my sun for almost 4 years now. I know it will come soon. 

I'm just hoping there are no more hurricanes any time soon. 

Is this really how my life turned out?

Here's a fact: women who get an abortion are 6x more likely to commit suicide. Now, that's for a normal person. Combine that with my track record, you're pretty much BEGGING for disaster. 

 I'm trying to be okay. I'm really trying. But this is all just to much for me. I feel like I completely lost my entire support system. They just disappear when I need them most. Pretty typical of people by nature I guess. Kinda sucks though. Oh well. 

I'm sleeping over my cousins house on Friday night. Thank god. He called me today to check up on me. Everything he says to me makes so much sense. Maybe its just that I respect him so much. I can't believe this. Just my whole life. 

If you had told me that at 17 years old, I would be this depressed, this anxious, this suicidal, had 4 surgeries (and counting) gotten pregnant, and gotten taken away by the cops because of threatned suicide, I would've laughed in your face. No. Not me. I'm the innocent one. I'm the good girl. I'm the one everyone loves. 

Well, not anymore. Now I'm the one everyone hates.  

Rough day

I broke up with Mike last night. I did it because I wasn't happy with him. He was to immature and just didn't understand the parts of me I need people who are close to me to understand. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. 

I'm getting surgery in 9 days and I'm so terrified. Because I broke up with mike, one of my best friends is super pissed at me. She told me she didn't want to be friends anymore. That really hurts. If she wants to walk out of my life, thats her decision. It sucks but I can't do anything about it. She ignored me all day and I confronted her during my lunch period and she ignored me and told me she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore. It hurt me a lot. I went home after it happened. I almost had a huge breakdown in school. That would've sucked.

I'm so stressed out about everything. I'm not going to eat until I feel better about my body again. Probably around a 3 or 4 day fast. Not like anyone will care or notice. I only get in trouble by my stupid parents whenever people try to help me. It sucks. 

My insomnia is back with a vengeance. I haven't been sleeping at all. I hung out with my exboyfriend Brian last night and I just couldn't sleep at all after. I had a really nice time with him. I miss him a lot. We went to ihop. He made me eat. 

I like when he shows that he cares about me. I wish he could come to the hospital with me when I got surgery. I wish someone would. I hate hurting and feeling so alone. 

So here's what happened...

So here's what happened. My school found out about me and my friends plans to try to kill ourselves or hurt ourselves. They sent us both to the hospital, and my dad had to come to the school and everything. It was a HUGE mess. 

My dad acted like this angel in front of my guidance counselor and it's so frustrating because I know how much of a fake act it is. I hate it. 

As soon as we got in the car my dad started yelling at me really bad saying how much trouble I'm going to be in. I didn't know being suicidal was something to be punished for. Guess I was wrong. When I got home my mom was already home. She said "get your stuff, were leaving now" before I even got in the door. 

A little while later we left...that was an even bigger disaster. My mom was yelling at me sooooo bad in the car saying how I'm not going to get into college and how I might as well just drop out of high school. She kept saying how everything bad that happens is my fault and I'm just acting this way for attention. She was yelling at me and making me feel like complete shit for about an hour and a half. I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. I had about 3 huge anxiety attacks. As you can imagine...I'm pretty exhausted now. 

Every time I tried to say sorry to my mom she just screamed "shut up" to me. She told me not to call her mom. She's not my mom anymore. She also said how much she hates me. I can't even remember what else she said. 

We didn't even make it to the hospital. She just turned around and went back home and then left my house for about 3 hours. She hates me. 

Fuck. Right now my parents are talking about how much they hate each other and how much my mom hates us. My mom just said that my dad doesn't care about us at all. And she has nothing to hold on to. She just left again. I broke my family. 

Anyway, back to the story I guess. 
My mom told me I am no longer allowed to talk to anyone. Can't talk to my guidance counselor, my friends, a therapist, anyone. She said if ANYONE calls her again about me I'll be in serious trouble. So I guess I am back to being a withdrawn, awkward quiet loser of a kid. Maybe I shouldn't even write anymore. It's basically the same as talking. I mean if you're reading it, I might as well be talking. Only difference here is that most of you can't put the face with the name. So maybe it is okay. Who the hell knows. 

When my mom got home and after I got out of the shower...I was in my room cleaning and I heard my mom start crying and saying how much she hates me and her life. I can't even begin to tell you bad badly I needed to cut after that. After everything. 

I wish I was dead so I didn't have to hurt so much and hurt everyone around me. I always thought it was a serious impossibility for things to get worse. I always seem to be wrong about that. 

Anyway, long story short I guess, we never made it to the hospital. I got verbally bashed and abused in the car for quite a while. Then my mom left, started crying and blaming me for everything, and left again. Now I'm sitting in my room unable to fall asleep and starving because I haven't eaten anything since yesterday. I'm more stressed and depressed than ever. 

Good thing I have such great parents. 

Ya know, everyone told me I would gain respect by asking for help and to go into a hospital. My dad told me he lost respect for me for asking. Guess I was right all along. 

Don't know what to do

I want to go into a hospital. I'm scared to die and I'm scared to go into a hospital. I'm really scared. I don't know what to do. 

All I know is that right now my depression and anxiety is controlling my life. I can't have this going on anymore. I need to get away from my house and I want to get better. So maybe this is a way to do it. 

I don't know what to expect if I do go. Im so scared. I wish my life could just be easy. I need help with this decision. I told one of my friends that if she goes with me I'll go in a heartbeat. I hope she can go. That way at least I'll have some sort of a safety net. 

I feel like Mike would judge me a lot. Or not judge me but just be upset.  I don't know. It's such a big decision and I'm terrified. Help?