Trouble

I've been away because I had a summer job from June-September that had very little access to the internet. It was a hell of a summer to say the least. My boyfriend and best friend were there with me. Sam and I worked as Chamber Maids, cleaning up and making beds and cleaning the bar and bathrooms several times a day. Dear God was this summer hard on me. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I smoked or drank. Cut too. I'm doing a lot better now though...mostly because I have to be.

I got a puppy about a month ago. Since I've been away, my parents up and moved to Texas. I knew it was coming...I just miss my house and my life so much. That house was the only house I've ever lived in my entire life. It just feels like 19 years worth of memories are gone. I don't know. It just sucks. They took my dog and best friend with them. Her birthday is tomorrow and I can't believe she's turning 6. So, inspired and motivated by her, I worked all summer to save for my puppy. I still live with my boyfriend and he's gone a lot and agreed it would be good for me. Everyone told me that now is a bad time to get a puppy and I shouldn't waste money on one, but I can honestly say that this was the smartest thing I could have done for myself. He's 5 1/2 months old and his name is Calvin. I'm proud of him because it's taken a while but he's finally all trained up and is very smart. He's a life saver. Both of my dogs are Havanese.

I've been mostly clean with cutting/burning lately. I was not the best over the summer, despite all my best efforts. I have been clean about 2 months except for one night about 2 weeks ago when I burned just ever so slightly. Ugh. Being clean isn't the easiest thing for me. It's something I fear I'm going to struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But so be it I suppose. I had to take this year off school due to financial reasons and my parents move and all..so right now I'm not up to much.

There's lots more going on in my life now, I'm just not ready to open up quite yet. Thanks for listening, hope all is well with the rest of the world, or at least whoever is reading this.

               Casey                                                                 

      Calvin         

                              

Crash and burn

I broke...pretty badly. I knew it was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it, even though I tried. I've been purging a lot lately - basically every time I feel like I eat too much. I also have been cutting a lot. I think every day this week I have. I told you, when I crash, I knew I was going to crash hard. Yesterday I got especially frustrated and took out my rage on a wall. My hand is so swollen and bruised, Sam thinks its broken but I've been in this position before and I can't tell. You'd think I would have learned my lesson as to not to punch shit, seeing as the last time this happened I shattered my hand and ended up tearing my rotater cuff and labrum and needing surgery. But I guess I just don't care what happens to me anymore.

Sam wants me to go to the hospital tomorrow to get my hand looked at but I'm basically refusing. That would mean I would have to tell my parents what happened and how I got hurt and honestly, I don't feel like hearing their disappointment and feeling stupid. They keep telling me that they're proud of me lately and honestly, it really pisses me off. They are saying that I've been more mature and grown up lately because I'm, I guess, living on my own and taking care of myself. But guess what? I'm no more mature, or at least not significantly more mature, than I was last year. I still did everything for myself and took care of myself just as I am now, so why are they only seeing it and realizing it now? It pisses me off because I am not different. They were just blind to it and now that I'm gone I guess I piss them off less. What would have happened if they were more perceptive last year? Would we have gotten along better? Would they have let me keep my child and not have pushed me into the awful thing that they made me do? I don't know. This whole thing just sucks.

I'm frustrated, hurt, angry at myself and physically in pain - which I deserve. I cut once already today and I don't think I can even stay clean for the rest the night. This sucks.

Bad place again

Do you ever hate yourself for waking up in the morning? Or for how you look in the mirror? 

I hate myself for a lot of things. I wish I never woke up again. Things are getting so bad, both at home and at school. I actually cut in school yesterday. I don't know if I can say I've done that yet. It's so fucked up. I got pulled out of class for my supposed alcohol use, and they focus on that, but not what I actually want them to focus on! 

Why can't they ask me how I'm doing in general? Or if I'm cutting or suicidal or depressed or...anything! It's so frustrating. Everyone always turns a blind eye and it is killing me. No one will pay attention. 

There is literally only so much I can do to cry out for help before I just..well, whatever. 

Bottom line?

I'm going into a bad place again. Well, a lower place than what I was at. I'm scared of being alone with myself. 

Long weekend

This was an interesting weekend  for me to say the least. I went out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 

Thursday I got incredibly high, followed by a hugeee binge. That led to me throwing up for a very long time. Then Friday I refused to eat at all because of what happened the day before. 

I stayed sober Friday but it was really hard. I've been putting on this front, this happy face all weekend. It's harder to be around people because I feel like I have to protect them from myself. 

Saturday I went out with a group of people I've been getting close with lately. It's been really good for me. I feel like they are my parents, siblings, friends, and other things all at the same time. It just feels really good to have that in my life. And I really appreciate it. They are all older than me (two of them are 23, one around 30, and the other 18) but they don't treat me like I'm younger, which I really appreciate. I feel like they actually respect me and I love it. 

We were supposed to go to a bowling alley for a fundraiser but my anxiety was so bad. That's been increasing for me lately too. We went but I couldn't even stay inside. I had to go outside and sit in the car. My friend came with me so I wasn't alone which was good. I had a huge anxiety attack, smoked a cigarette, felt really nauseous, and then eventually I calmed down. My social anxiety is seriously becoming a problem to the point where it is interfering with my life. 

I got really drunk on Saturday night too. I only had one 4loko and it messed me up. I can usually handle a lotttt more than that so I don't know why I got so bad. I guess my tolerance severely lowered after I stopped drinking so much because of...yeah. I got to the point of throwing up and blacking out. I think the only reason I threw up though is because I felt really sick before. Because I usually never get sick. Oh well, no harm done. 


Today I'm going on a road trip with the two 23 year olds. I'm really excited. I don't know where we are going, or what we're doing, but I'm just excited that I'm going on a road trip and stuff. I love the car. I love being able to blast music and just...think. I dont know.. Being in the car does something for me. 

I have so much more to say, but not right now. I'm sure I'll write in the car though. 

I hope everyone else is doing well. 

The real me

There are days when I can put on a happy face. 
There are moments where I can act like nothing is bothering me. 
There are times when I can pretend my anxiety isn't there, and everyone believes it but me. 
There are days when I eat literally nothing at all, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I did. 

Then there are the days when I just can't fake it. I can't pretend to smile for your sake. I can't put on a happy face and act like everything is fine. And I can't pretend that I don't think about it constantly. 

I can't always put on a happy face for other people. It's really hard. I literally do it more than half of the time, and it makes everything worse. I feel more isolated, more depressed, fake, and more unloved. Why can't I just be me?
  
Because let me tell you, the real me is not happy. And I just so wish that I didn't have to pretend all the time. Pretending is the same as lying and I hate lying. It makes me sad. I'm such a different person than the one that the world sees. I'm not sure if anybody knows the real me. 



Want to know the truth? I'm severely depressed. Most people know that. I have social anxiety disorder, but I try to pretend that doesn't exist. I've been suicidal for a while, but it's intensity varies. And right now? The intensity is off the charts high. Everyone else pretends that part of me doesn't exist. 
And home life? Horrible. Down right abusive depending on the day. 
If you want me to go there and be honest, I will. I mean, we are talking about the real me, right? So fine. I guess I'm anorexic and bulimic. I hate labels and I never wanted to turn into that. But I guess I have. I cut way too often. I drink a lot, I smoke a lot, but I never did a drug.

Until yesterday. For the first time ever, I smoked weed and got soo high. I didn't just smoke a little bit. It was a lot. I've never turned to drugs before. Ever. And it was something I was proud of. Like oh, well I'm incredibly fucked up but at least I've never done drugs. Can't say that now. 

That hurts. But nothing has ever hurt more than what I've been through in the past few months. The real me got pregnant. And forced 100% against my will to get an abortion. It haunts me every single day. It never leaves my mind. I don't forgive myself for it. And I deserve to feel all the pain. I will never forgive myself for letting everyone else have their way on something that only I should've had a choice in. 

All of the above and more is what makes me a fuck up. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve anything good at all. 

Most importantly, the real me wants help, but doesn't know how to get it.

See, not many people at all know the real me. But it seems like the ones who are the closest to knowing, do nothing at all to change it or help. So that's why I put on the happy face. So they don't have to deal with it. 

Well, fuck that. 

What if?

What if I was stronger?
What if it had happened after I met all the new people in my life. Could that have helped me? Offered me other solutions?
What if my parents cared?
What if I wasn't suppose to have surgery? 
What if it was a different guy?
What if he wanted the same thing I wanted?
What if I had at least one parent on my side?
What if I listened to myself and not anybody else?

Those are some of the thoughts that harass me every day and never subside. It's horrible. Today wasn't good. My teacher made me go see my guidance counselor because I think she's starting to see just how fucked up I am. Then I had to sit in TOR (the time out room) for the rest of the day because I don't think they trusted me in class. I don't know why. Whatever. My guidance counselor asked me of I wanted to go see the social worker or psychologist in school and I said no because it was too close to the end of the day and I didn't want to get in trouble with my stupid parents again. They might pull me out of class tomorrow though I think because my teacher talked to my guidance counselor about me after I talked to her. No good. I completely quit in school. I'm too overwhelmed. I guess that's what set a red flag up for my teacher. Yeah. Cause there weren't a million other warning signs before that. 

I might be getting in "trouble" tomorrow. The kind of "trouble" I always get into. Where my guidance counselor and school social worker and psychologist get too much out of me and they send me to the hospital. It's happened like...4 times this year. Fuck that. They never keep me anyway. Last time this happened I begged for them to let me go inpatient and they still didn't. 
 
My parents will kill me. Last time this happened I got taken by cop car because my parents wouldn't do it and my school knew I needed to go. Still didn't work. I want to go inpatient. I know I need to. Let's get real. 

This brings up another question. What if when they pull me out of class tomorrow, I open up? I tell them exactly how I'm doing. Which is suicidal and miserable. They will undoubtably send me to the hospital. But my parents will flip out on me. It's so unfair that I can't get help because I'm scared of my parents reactions. 

I'm scared. Terrified even. I hate hospitals and the thought of being in them, and I'm scared of living. Living is scarier than dying is. That in itself is a scary thought. I don't know what to do. I just want to be better. I don't want to die. Well, I wish I didn't want to die. 

I'm supposed to go a party on Friday night with my friend. Who the hell knows what I'll even do if I get that far in the week without anything happening. I just don't know. 

You don't know how I feel

According to my school, I'm a binge alcoholic. I disagree. I just like to drink like everyone else. Im craving alcohol now though. I like being numb and not having to feel anything. 

Numbness is better than pain. I'm hurting so bad and no one understand that. Its so frustrating. I can't take all of the judging and criticizing and everything else. 

On a scale of 1-10, my depression is about a 13. How I'm still alive, I have no idea. I plan on drinking a lot on Halloween and probably doing some other dumb stuff. Maybe then people will listen to me and take me seriously. 

It's like my problems only exist when it's convenient for someone else. Frustrating right? If any of you know what I'm trying to say, you know first hand how upsetting it is. 

I guess you just can't make people feel what you feel.