Crash and burn

I broke...pretty badly. I knew it was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it, even though I tried. I've been purging a lot lately - basically every time I feel like I eat too much. I also have been cutting a lot. I think every day this week I have. I told you, when I crash, I knew I was going to crash hard. Yesterday I got especially frustrated and took out my rage on a wall. My hand is so swollen and bruised, Sam thinks its broken but I've been in this position before and I can't tell. You'd think I would have learned my lesson as to not to punch shit, seeing as the last time this happened I shattered my hand and ended up tearing my rotater cuff and labrum and needing surgery. But I guess I just don't care what happens to me anymore.

Sam wants me to go to the hospital tomorrow to get my hand looked at but I'm basically refusing. That would mean I would have to tell my parents what happened and how I got hurt and honestly, I don't feel like hearing their disappointment and feeling stupid. They keep telling me that they're proud of me lately and honestly, it really pisses me off. They are saying that I've been more mature and grown up lately because I'm, I guess, living on my own and taking care of myself. But guess what? I'm no more mature, or at least not significantly more mature, than I was last year. I still did everything for myself and took care of myself just as I am now, so why are they only seeing it and realizing it now? It pisses me off because I am not different. They were just blind to it and now that I'm gone I guess I piss them off less. What would have happened if they were more perceptive last year? Would we have gotten along better? Would they have let me keep my child and not have pushed me into the awful thing that they made me do? I don't know. This whole thing just sucks.

I'm frustrated, hurt, angry at myself and physically in pain - which I deserve. I cut once already today and I don't think I can even stay clean for the rest the night. This sucks.

Holidays are triggers

She ruins everything. Every holiday, every family get together, anything good. I can't take it. She can't deal with people being happy, or celebrations, so she literally ruins it. 

It's Easter today for my family (Greek Easter) and it's supposed to be a really fun and happy day. But my fucking sister always ruins it. She screams and is unappreciative and makes my mom stressed and I can't deal with it anymore. 

I need to cut so bad right now because of what she's doing but I'm trying really hard not to. Today is going to be a hard enough day for me as it is without her added bullshit. I need to get out of here. I can't stay. I'm really starting to panic. 

My anxiety is getting so high lately and I can't really even function. My body is betraying me just as much as my mind. I want to cry. I want to just break down but I can't. I wish I could let myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me. 

Today is supposed to be a good day. My favorite cousins are coming over, I love everyone on my dads side. They are the ones with the 2 young kids. There will be a lot of food (most of which I cooked this year), and my friends are even coming. My best friend and also the new ones I've been hanging out with almost everyday. I'm excited for them to meet my family, and for my family to meet them. 

It's all a trigger for me. It's hard putting on a happy face. I don't know that I can do it today. It's going to be hard eating so much and in front of people. The past few holidays and family get togethers when there has been a lot of food, I went upstairs to throw up multiple times. I know I'm going to need to do that today. But I won't be able to get away with it, seeing as my friends will be here, and they know I do that. So they will never let me leave by myself. 

I'm scared. Last time on thanksgiving when I was this triggered, I went out and hung out with Brian because I needed that attention. I knew it would be negative attention but I didn't care. I couldn't be alone. 

Well, I certainly don't have him to lean on anymore. I'm hoping today I'll have my friends to lean on, and one of them in particular is really good at picking up on my subtle signals of anxiety and stuff. I'm kind of going to be relying on him to keep me...out of trouble. He doesn't know that, but he doesn't need to. 

I'll let you all know how today goes. Happy Greek Easter!!!!
And happy belated Easter for everyone else!
And happy Passover too!
And of course, happy whatever to anything I missed. 

I'm not fine

My head is a fucking mess. I hate myself. I wish I was fucking dead. I can't deal with this. I can't cope. You have no idea how hard I'm being hit with all of the emotions from this. 

I'm so angry and guilty and hurt and I just hate myself. I'm so full of regret. I can't take it. I knew it would hit me this hard. I knew it from the very beginning.  Before anything even happened. I made a promise that if they made me kill my baby, I would kill myself. I can't deal with it. 

I told you I'm in over my head. I'm really in trouble. I'm so messed up over this. And nobody understands! Nobody. 

How can they expect me to be fine?! Why can't they talk to me about it and ask me questions and why can't they care? My parents? They haven't said one thing about it. Not before and not after. They made their demands, said if I didn't do what they wanted I would be thrown out, and haven't said anything since. My guidance counselor doesn't ask me about how I'm doing, my friends don't, nobody does. 

Everyone thinks I'm fine. They think I'm dealing with it. They think now that it's over, the emotions and feelings behind it must be over too. Wrong. Not even close. 

Want me to let you in on a secret? 

IM. NOT. OKAY. I'm sorry. I'm just so mad at myself and in so much pain from it. Every second of every day. It never leaves my mind. I just need somebody to care.

It hurts like crazy to talk about. It kills me. But the only thing worse than talking about it is holding it all in and pretending it never happened. Because it did happen. And I just feel so fucking betrayed. By everybody. By my friends and people at school, and most of all my parents. 

I have no one to lean on for support. No one to talk to or have care about me...I don't know how to get through this. I don't think I can. I don't want to hurt anymore. 

I think about all the what-if's constantly.  It hurts. Honesty...I'm at such a loss for how to handle all of this. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm whining or being stupid. 

But unless you're in my shoes, you have no idea how bad it hurts. I mean...my baby was murdered. And worst of all, I did it. I didn't want to. I was forced to. But I could've made it work. 

I'm sorry. Just so fucking sorry...

I feel so disconnected

I'm in the biggest rut I've been in for a long time. This quite possible is the lowest I've ever felt. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm so lost. 

I was laying in bed last night just miserable. I needed to talk to someone so bad...but I just had nowhere to turn. Do you know what that feels like? To be so hurt and lost but not have anyone to talk you through it? 

What happens when I get even lower than I am now, and I need someone to talk me down from suicide? What if it gets to that and I have nobody? That's what scares me. All I can do at this point is pray that it doesn't come to that. 

I've been cutting so much. I need to stop. I know I need to. 

Nights are by far the worst. I don't know why. It's hard sitting up with no one else but your own thoughts. That and your entire family screaming. This morning I got woken up by my sister screaming at my dad at 7am about the most insignificant of things. 

She is literally insane. There is no other way to explain it. I swear on my life I am not being dramatic one bit when I say how horrible she is. There's just no way to explain it that would do it justice. She's probably a good 80-85% of why I hate my life so much. I hate all the lying and manipulating she does. Google the definition of a sociopath and that is what she is. Not even kidding. 

I'm so broken. I'm too broken to be fixed at this point. I miss school and my guidance counselor and my teachers. I hate being home, I hate surgery, and I hate hating my life. I want love. I want to feel it and give it. I have nothing. I feel soulless. Just empty. Like I don't even exist. 

It's almost like my life is a movie and all I can do is watch from above. I can't control my body or mind. I'm so disconnected from everything, including myself. It's such a bad feeling. 

Even as I'm writing this my sister is lying to my mom about things yet again. All she does is lie and no one does anything about it. I want to cry, but I'm just too numb to do that. I don't want to cut, so I thought writing might be a good way to distract myself. I can only distract myself so much from such an insane reality. 

Inevitable disaster

Do you ever just feel like screaming? Or crying, or jumping off a bridge or just doing something to release some emotions?

I feel like that a lot. Like I just need any type of release but I can never get it. 

If you read one of my posts from last April called "Cycles", it talks about how every time after I get surgery, my depression gets a little bit better because I'm high on pain medicine all the time. I feel like crap and I'm always sleeping and my brain is just dysfunctional. But then after a few weeks, I just get worse and worse. I pretty much spiral out of control. Right after surgery number 3 was when I tried to kill myself. 

Here's the like for that other post if you're interested:
http://fightformylife-depression.blogspot.com/2011/04/cycles.html


I can only imagine how bad my depression is going to get this time. Everything around me is getting worse. My home life is a disaster. It's honestly getting out of control. Something disastrous is undoubtably going to happen very soon. I only wish you could all see just how bad it is here. It's just impossible to explain. 

I feel so alone. None of my friends even care about me anymore. Well, none that go to my school. I have a bunch of friends who go to different schools around me, and it's funny because they are the ones who are the farthest away, but the only ones who come to visit me. 

I can't leave the house because of my surgery and my "best friend" came to see me once and doesn't even text me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt but I don't know. What can you do. 

I couldn't feel more alone if I tried. I'm trapped in this freaking war zone just waiting for a tragedy. My friends don't talk to me, and I can't do a thing about it. Out of sight out of mind I guess. 

I'm really scared to be in this stupid house alone with my sister. She needs to be in the hospital. All she does is scream and torture all of us. My mom can't take it anymore either. Shes been really mean to my sister. Shes finally standing up to her but my dad yells at her whenever my mom yells back. There on completely different pages. Something bad is going to happen. Things are getting worse, not better. And it's all because I got surgery and my sister can't deal with that. 

She's insane

I had my surgery 2 days ago. I just got home from the hospital. Physically, I'm in a lottt of pain but I've been sleeping a lot so that's good. 

My sister has been off the walls insane. She just can't handle it when I have surgery because then the attention isn't on her. So she does everything in her power to make sure she has all the attention, be it good or bad. 

The night before I got surgery, she was screaming and yelling and threatening to kill herself every 5 minuets. She was cursing me out and saying how much she hates me and all of this crap. Her concern was that she was not going to be able to use the den (where the tv is) because I'm not able to go upstairs to my bedroom. Her concern was about not being able to watch tv. Not me. I expect nothing less from her. 

When I got home from the hospital, she got even worse. She was doing things to make things worse for me. When I was sleeping she intentionally woke me up. She blamed me of stealing 2 bottles of her stupid pills. (Guess she forgot how much she ODs on them). Shes screaming at my parents and my mom wanted to call the police but my dad wouldn't let her. I don't know why. I wanted her to call them so bad. 

She's the reason I hate my house so much. She needs to have negative attention on her. Can't live without it. It's always about her. Even when I'm the one recovering from surgery for the FIFTH time. She doesn't care. I hate her. No one will ever understand what it's like to live with her but it's so much worse than I can even describe. 

I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this mess stuck at home with her

Social anxiety

The past few days I've been trying to go out more and be social...but I failed miserably. I tried going over my grandmas house to sleep over, but I had to have someone pick me up. She wasn't happy with me and she took it personally. She doesn't understand that that's just how I am. 
I was supposed to go away with my friend for the weekend, and I chickened out at the last minuet. Yes, I regret it and wish I went. My anxiety feels like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just noticing it more now. 

On a positive note, I hung out with another one of my best friends last night at my house, and it went well. I didn't have to much anxiety and I don't know. It's probably just because I didn't have to leave my house. 

I'm trying to get along better with my mom lately, but she keeps rejecting me. I wish we could be closer and I wish she wanted me. Last night I was laying in my bed and I just felt so alone. I always feel alone and it sucks. 

How do you not always feel so alone? Honestly, I feel the most alone when I'm with people because I guess I feel like I have to act happier than I am. I hate it. 

Well happy fathers day to all the dads out there :)

What a crazy week

Wow, it's really been a crazy few days. All of the craziness has surrounded the many fights me and my parents have gotten into. 

Ever since Sunday, we've been fighting nonstop. Were all just on such different pages on how I "should" be acting, and what I should be doing, and they just for the life of them can't imagine what depression is like for me, or how I feel. 

One of the arguments me and my mom got into was basically her saying how I ruined her life and how she wishes I wasn't here. Well, I told her I also wish that and maybe one day she'd get get wish. One of the things that she said was how "I have no idea what I do to her life". 

This is what I said to her. I said, "mom, honestly, do you ever think about me? About what it must be like to be me and go through this much pain every single day? Do you ever think about how hard my life is and how much I'm hurting?" Her response to that was just no. 

This is just something their never going to understand. The day before yesterday we got into another huge fight, and I got kicked out pretty much. My mom told me to go live somewhere else, and so I left. When I went home later that night, she looked at me and asked me why I was home. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said that she doesn't care what I do anymore. 

The fights we've been getting into have been so insignificant. I always try to look at everything from their prospective, and see what it is that I did wrong or what I could've done different. But this time, I honestly did not do anything wrong. Basically, one of my homeschooling teachers was being horrible to me and screaming at me instead of teaching me, so I got really upset and at the end I just walked upstairs and didn't say bye or anything. I just left. After that my mom started screaming at me and yelling at me like I did something wrong, instead of standing up for me. A parent is supposed to stand up for their kids no matter what, and not let other people scream at me and make me visibly upset in my own house. So she took away my phone and my iPod, and then pushed me down when I was asking if I could at least turn off my phone. My math teacher later called me to apologize for how she was acting towards me. My mom hasn't apologized, and still hates me. 

I'm not going to lie to you. This whole two weeks especially, have been horrible. I lay in bed all day everyday thinking about how I'm eventually going to kill myself. I mean, if I'm so miserable here, and I have no point at all, then theres no reason for me to stay, right?
Some people say suicide is selfish, but honestly, sometimes I think the selfish thing is staying here so other people have to deal with me and my problems. 

I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Make everyone forget about me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this depressed and miserable and upset all the time. It isn't something that I chose, which is what my parents think. 


Another really negative thing happening lately is how I'm just never going to be good enough for my parents. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them or meet their expectations. I do my very best at everything, and no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, it's just never good enough. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to feel accepted by them and I want them to love me. 

I want anyone to love me. Sometimes I feel like that's the magic solution to all of this. Like being loved or having someone care about me will make this all go away. But it doesn't work that way, does it. No matter how much someone says they care about me, I'm always going to think they don't mean it. I'm always going to think I'm not good enough or eventually they'll leave me like everyone else. 

Right now, all I want is to drink and forget about everything. I hate that I always feel like I want to turn to that, but I do. 

The next post I do is going to be a list of books, movies, and songs that help me get through all of this and feel less alone. 

Well, the good news is that it's starting to get really nice out. I can't wait until I can walk again, and maybe have some fun. 

Love?

I've never really talked about my parents on here. That's because I don't exactly know how I feel about them. When the devil (my sister) is on the attack and screaming at me and criticizing or making fun of me, my parents don't do anything about it. They don't stand up for me. And that really hurts. 

However, if I were to try to stand up for myself, my parents would yell at me for it! I don't understand their logic here. Like I get the fact that thy don't want me to "antagonize" her... But if their not going to step in and at least tell her to stop, shouldn't I be able to stand up for myself? 

Today when I was eating she started making fun of me and saying "Oh my god you're eating?! You shouldn't do that you're sooo fat!"   And she was completely serious, so don't get the idea that she was joking around. My response to that was "Actually, I'm quite comfortable with my body, thank you. Oh, and dinner was AMAZING! So thanks for the concern." 

The only reason I said that was to prove that I'm better than she is and to show that she has no power whatsoever over me. 

I know I'm not fat or gross or whatever the hell she says. But it still hurts. And I want my parents to stand up for me and not always let her get away with everything. 

Another thing about my parents is that their constantly fighting with each other and they take their stress out on me quite often. I try as best as I can just to stay out of their way but  I don't know. It's just hard. 

I want so bad to have a good relationship with them but they make it so hard. All I want them to do is just show that they love me and act like it. I'm really not that bad of a kid. I mean yeah, I'm a teenager so I have my bratty days, but overall I'm really not bad. And I just wish they say "I love you" without me having to ask for it. 

I go up to them sometimes and I just ask "do you love me?" And my moms response is always - Yeah, but...  Like really? You can't just say yeah you have to add the "but" in there? It's like I have to earn it. It's supposed to be unconditional but it's not. 

And I know what you're all thinking...of course your parents love you, they just don't know how to show it. And yeah maybe that is the case, but it still sucks for me!

My parents didn't even listen to me when I told them I wanted to go to therapy or go on medicine because I'm depressed. My moms response was "Well maybe if you weren't so negative all the time you wouldn't be depressed."  Come on. I don't know, stuff like that just really bothers me. 

There's A LOT more bad things I could say about my parents but I don't want to trash talk them. I still fight for their affection every day but sometimes I just wana quit and not care whether or not they give a damn about me. 

 I'm honestly much closer to my best friends mom than I am my own parents, but I even feel bad about that because I don't know how my friend feels about it. I don't want to overstep the boundaries. 

I think my less than adequate relationship with my parents is the reason why I'm trying so desperately to have a really close relationship with someone else. I need someone to fill that gap but I don't know. My heads just messed up :/