I'm not fine

My head is a fucking mess. I hate myself. I wish I was fucking dead. I can't deal with this. I can't cope. You have no idea how hard I'm being hit with all of the emotions from this. 

I'm so angry and guilty and hurt and I just hate myself. I'm so full of regret. I can't take it. I knew it would hit me this hard. I knew it from the very beginning.  Before anything even happened. I made a promise that if they made me kill my baby, I would kill myself. I can't deal with it. 

I told you I'm in over my head. I'm really in trouble. I'm so messed up over this. And nobody understands! Nobody. 

How can they expect me to be fine?! Why can't they talk to me about it and ask me questions and why can't they care? My parents? They haven't said one thing about it. Not before and not after. They made their demands, said if I didn't do what they wanted I would be thrown out, and haven't said anything since. My guidance counselor doesn't ask me about how I'm doing, my friends don't, nobody does. 

Everyone thinks I'm fine. They think I'm dealing with it. They think now that it's over, the emotions and feelings behind it must be over too. Wrong. Not even close. 

Want me to let you in on a secret? 

IM. NOT. OKAY. I'm sorry. I'm just so mad at myself and in so much pain from it. Every second of every day. It never leaves my mind. I just need somebody to care.

It hurts like crazy to talk about. It kills me. But the only thing worse than talking about it is holding it all in and pretending it never happened. Because it did happen. And I just feel so fucking betrayed. By everybody. By my friends and people at school, and most of all my parents. 

I have no one to lean on for support. No one to talk to or have care about me...I don't know how to get through this. I don't think I can. I don't want to hurt anymore. 

I think about all the what-if's constantly.  It hurts. Honesty...I'm at such a loss for how to handle all of this. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm whining or being stupid. 

But unless you're in my shoes, you have no idea how bad it hurts. I mean...my baby was murdered. And worst of all, I did it. I didn't want to. I was forced to. But I could've made it work. 

I'm sorry. Just so fucking sorry...