Hautned

Every day feels like a nightmare. It feels like God is punishing me every single time I feel pain, both physical and mental. I'm punished a lot. I hate it. 

A girl my age in my school just had a baby today. A boy a year older than me died today. He overdosed on Opana. Both of those things should have been my fate. I'm so haunted by all of this. 

Last night I was so upset. I sat in my room listening to the song "Happy Birthday" by Flipsyde staring at my sonogram and hysterically crying. I'm so messed up about this. I know I need help. I'm not dealing with this well at all. I'm just hurting so bad..I can't deal with it. Everything is getting worse. I'm cutting soo much, starving myself, smoking, drinking...I feel like I've turned into a monster. 

I think I need someone to cling to. I really wish that could be Brian. But he doesn't want me anymore. Or if he does, he has a girlfriend so it doesn't matter. I just need someone to hold me or hug me and be there for me and make things better. 

I'm so haunted by all of this. I wish I wasn't alive anymore. I wish I wasn't hurting. I think I might be in over my head again, but I just don't know what to do about it. Please help me... :(