Ups and Downs

So, I am no longer living in a hotel for college. Thank God. This semester I actually decided that it would be best for me to take all online classes and move in with my boyfriend. It has worked out surprisingly well and all good things have come of it. Well, mostly all good things. He's gone a lot during the day so I'm mostly here by myself. It sucks because I hate being stuck alone with myself. It drives me crazy. All I do is think and think about all the shit that's wrong with my life. Think about how badly I want to cut and how fat I think I am and other negative things. It's very unpleasant. Since I moved here I have felt very alone. I feel like my boyfriend is the only one I have to lean on, and that's a very scary thing. While we do get alone great and have a very balanced relationship full of joy and happiness, but also seriousness as well, there is always a chance something could happen and it doesn't work out. And if he is all I have...well that just doesn't end well for me, does it.

So I've been clean of a lot of things lately. I haven't cut or burned since November 30th 2012. The reason why is because I got a tattoo of a butterfly on my left side. If anyone knows of the  "Butterfly Effect", that is the reason I got it. It is supposed to symbolize that cutting hurts those you love and who love you and not just yourself. Surrounding the butterfly I got the words "When we trade death for life" and "Freedom" and "Forgiveness". The reason I chose these words and quote is because it comes from a very powerful and meaningful story. It is Renee's Story and it is written by Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). This story and organization is all about the idea of hope and recovery from all things self destructive, from addiction to eating disorders, to cutting and suicide. I think Everybody should become aware of them. They have helped me come out of dark places too many times to count. This is a link to Renee's Story - Renee's Story, To Write Love On Her Arms
And a link to their website -http://www.twloha.com/

This is a picture of it my tattoo:

The reason I decided to get this was because I was cutting way too much. It felt like it was something I had to do 3 or 4 times a day. I needed help stopping and I knew the only way I would be able to was if I was doing it for someone other than myself. I want to, for the rest of my life, say that this day - the day I got my butterfly, was the last day I ever cut or burned myself. And so far I have been successful. But oh boy, have there been some close calls. Just two days ago I was having such a bad anxiety attack and felt so awful and I was so desperate for relief. If  Sam, my boyfriend, hadn't literally taken the lighter away from me, I would have burned. 

It is so important for me to stay strong with this. I know that the very first time I cut or burn, it's all over. I will see no point in continuing to stay clean because I will have already broken. Similarly, I have struggled with and eating disorder for some time now. Starving myself has remained a bit of a problem, but I have been very good about not purging. Since about last April, I have stayed clean from it. But a week or so ago I purged for the first time and I felt terrible about it. But since I have no long and impressive streak of not doing it now, I have continued to starve myself and purge when I do eat and it is a very dysfunctional and sad cycle that I wish I could break, but don't have the strength to do so. 

Holidays are triggers

She ruins everything. Every holiday, every family get together, anything good. I can't take it. She can't deal with people being happy, or celebrations, so she literally ruins it. 

It's Easter today for my family (Greek Easter) and it's supposed to be a really fun and happy day. But my fucking sister always ruins it. She screams and is unappreciative and makes my mom stressed and I can't deal with it anymore. 

I need to cut so bad right now because of what she's doing but I'm trying really hard not to. Today is going to be a hard enough day for me as it is without her added bullshit. I need to get out of here. I can't stay. I'm really starting to panic. 

My anxiety is getting so high lately and I can't really even function. My body is betraying me just as much as my mind. I want to cry. I want to just break down but I can't. I wish I could let myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me. 

Today is supposed to be a good day. My favorite cousins are coming over, I love everyone on my dads side. They are the ones with the 2 young kids. There will be a lot of food (most of which I cooked this year), and my friends are even coming. My best friend and also the new ones I've been hanging out with almost everyday. I'm excited for them to meet my family, and for my family to meet them. 

It's all a trigger for me. It's hard putting on a happy face. I don't know that I can do it today. It's going to be hard eating so much and in front of people. The past few holidays and family get togethers when there has been a lot of food, I went upstairs to throw up multiple times. I know I'm going to need to do that today. But I won't be able to get away with it, seeing as my friends will be here, and they know I do that. So they will never let me leave by myself. 

I'm scared. Last time on thanksgiving when I was this triggered, I went out and hung out with Brian because I needed that attention. I knew it would be negative attention but I didn't care. I couldn't be alone. 

Well, I certainly don't have him to lean on anymore. I'm hoping today I'll have my friends to lean on, and one of them in particular is really good at picking up on my subtle signals of anxiety and stuff. I'm kind of going to be relying on him to keep me...out of trouble. He doesn't know that, but he doesn't need to. 

I'll let you all know how today goes. Happy Greek Easter!!!!
And happy belated Easter for everyone else!
And happy Passover too!
And of course, happy whatever to anything I missed. 

Holding on

Today, I finally broke and asked my mom if I could go back in therapy. I went for like two sessions last month before surgery, but I stopped. I didn't really like her so I wanted to stop. When I asked my mom if I could go back, she assumed it would just be with the same person. When I explained to her that finding a therapist you have a good bond with is like trying on shoes..you have to shop around a little bit first, she was hesitant and frustrated with me.  You're not always going to get lucky on the first try. I told her if she was just going to make me go back to the same person, then there is no point in me going because I won't talk anyway. She was upset because that meant she had to make a lot more phone calls..but didn't give me too much of a hard time about it I guess. Then again she was the one who took me to the doctor to get medicine..and I'm still not on it. So who knows. 

There were a few reasons why I needed to have this conversation. Since it's so close to the end of the school year, and because of my increasingly bad anxiety, I decided it would be smarter if I just finished the year at home. This freaked me out a little bit, because in school I talked to someone like a therapist every week. I have for two years. They are just interns who I talk to at school, so they change every year. But I had a great relationship with who I talked to last year, and this year felt like I had an even better relationship with her. She was the only reason I didn't want to leave school, and she is the only reason I want to return. It's almost like a safety net. She was the first one I told that I wanted to kill myself (which I promise I'll talk about soon) and she helped me to start to understand everything a little better. If I don't go back this year, I'll never see her again. Which lead to a massive panic attack last night, followed by lots of tears and eventually some sleeping pills. Great night following an even better day (haha yeah right).  

But that leads to a question. If I don't go back to school this year, isn't that letting my anxiety win? Is it okay that I'm giving in and hiding instead of facing it? I know I'm not strong enough to face it right now, but I feel like I'm only giving it more "power" if I let it take over me. And I know next year, on the first day or week of school, I'll be freaking out worse than ever!! I mean the past few years have been bad..like huge panic attacks every night the whole first week before the first day, but I'm scared it's going to intensify if I allow myself to stay home now. I don't know what to do. Like I said, the only reason I want to go back is so I can talk to Andrea. That's the persons name who I talk to at school. 

Clearly I'm a mess right now, and I want help with it. I want to get out of this rut before I fall deeper into it. I'm falling back into bad habits that I fell into the last time I was like this, and it's just scary. I hate it. And the people around me probably hate me when I'm like this. It sucks and I wish I could make it all disappear, but I can't. 

I'm so stressed and anxious right now I just want to crawl into bed and never ever get out. Everyone in my family is always screaming because of my sister and I hate it here. Every night when I'm supposed to be in the den and watching something with my parents, something always happens and I end up just going upstairs to be my myself so I don't have to deal with the drama. Then I feel worse because all I want is to spend time with my parents so I feel at least a little wanted. 

But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I'm trying to stay upbeat and I'm trying to beat this or at least live with it, and I'm trying to stay alive and find my purpose in life. 

Before it got bad and I tried to kill myself, I had a nasty habit of yelling "I hate my life, I wish I was dead". I said it a lot. Anytime anything went bad, that's the first thought that came across my mind. And no one took me seriously. Thy thought it was just "teenage hormones". I hate that. No...it's not just that. Its something bigger and it's time people realized that.  After that one night though, I feel like I have to watch myself. I feel like if I say it..people will think twice about me. They'll think..oh, do we have to hide anything or make sure she can't get anything to hurt herself? I don't want people to think those things. It doesn't mean anything has changed.. I just don't want them to think of me like that. Tonight I said those words for the first time since that night.. And I immediately regretted it. I don't want my parents to change anything about my life..if that makes sense. I don't know. I can't really explain it. I just have to watch myself better I guess. 

My goal for tonight and tomorrow is to just fall asleep on my own without taking anything. I don't want to have ANY panic attacks, I have to just focus on breathing and slowing down my heart rate. 

I promise you, I WILL make tomorrow a good day. 

Well..I'm going to try my damn hardest. I probably won't do that well, but I'm still going to wake up feeling like maybe I can take on the days challenges. I encourage you do to the same. 

It's funny..when I start writing these things, I usually don't even know what I'm going to talk about. But by the end, I always feel like I went on a rant and wrote an essay :p 
Hope ya don't mind. 

Darkness

Basically, I see my life in different stages of "light and darkness". When my depression is better, I see some light. It's never fully light, but it's not pitch black. More often then not, however, I'm in the dark. If I try hard enough, I can see a pin-sized light way far away. For me, the light I see is because I want kids someday. I hope I can get married and have kids. But that's very far away..and for the past few months I've been completely in the dark.

I wish I knew what to do to make it better. I don't even remember what happy or calm feels like. But I do try. I'm one hell of an actress. I act like I'm okay and happy and calm when I'm in the presence of my friends. I do it for them, but it's not easy. In fact it's quite tiring..and sometimes I just crash and I can't pretend anymore. It's almost painful for me to go out...I have social anxiety disorder. I hate being in a crowd of people, I don't like being one-on-one with someone, I hate making eye contact, and I really dislike when the attention is on me. Some days before school I just sit in bed shaking because I'm so scared to go. Panic attacks are no fun. I'm getting them increasingly more often lately.

Once again, I wish I knew why I am the way I am. I wish I could be "normal". I envy those who can go out without a problem and smile and have real fun with people. Hopefully one day I'll be able to do those things.


Congratulations...you just learned something about me no one knows.