Just keeps getting better...

So I'm  18 now. I wish this wasn't happening. Why do I deserve a birthday? I took that away from my own child, and the whole purpose of birthdays is to celebrate life, right?

Well, I don't want to celebrate something that I destroyed. I feel like I've been getting increasingly more depressed lately. I miss my baby. I wish I could change everything. August 14th...that's going to be a horrible day. The day my beautiful child should have been born. 

Less than a week after my birthday I got a tattoo. My parents still don't know about it. It's on my wrist. It's a picture of a baby laying down with an angel wing and a soft golden glow above it's head, and under it it says rip skylar. I love it.

Instead of cutting or doing anything else harmful to myself, I instead memorialized my child. Something I've wanted to do for a long time. 

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this hidden from my parents. Probably another 7 days..... Remember when I broke my hand? Well, apparently I did more than just break a few bones when I hit that wall. I messed my shoulder up really badly. I tore my labrum and rotator cuff and who knows what else that they didn't find. I'm getting surgery for it on the 27th. I can't even complain because I did it to myself. My doctor was amazed at how much force must have been exerted in order to create that much damage...it's near impossible. I don't know how the hell I managed to do that. Seriously. 

So 6 surgeries since 10th grade. Hopefully I'll still be able to go to college in the fall. I guess it's karma though. I deserved it. I'm used to having surgery  on my legs...I know how to handle that. I know all the tricks on how to get around, shower, everything. 5surgeries will teach you that. 

But shoulder? That's completely new to me. I won't have any use of my entire arm for at LEAST 3 weeks. I'm scared, not gonna lie. It's going to be impossible to sleep, lay down, even move my neck. It's really going to suck. I sure as hell hope my parents are gonna be around to help me out...and I don't know what I'll do if I can't see my two best friends Sam and Jen. I need them. I'm so scared of this. 

I don't even have my brother. My parents just took him and all of his stuff to his new apartment in Virginia this morning. I couldn't go because there wasn't enough room in the car and I had to watch my dog. I miss him already. I wish he could be here to take care of me and protect me. I have no one without him. 

On the plus side...my sister is going away!!! She's leaving Sunday night. I couldn't be happier about that. Now she can't complain about me getting "attention" because of surgery or whatever. At least that's one less thing to worry about. Being stuck with her 24 7.  I'll just be alone. But it's better than having her here. She's going into the hospital for god knows what. Hopefully shell be gone a few months...

I'm going to start writing regularly again. Wish me luck with everything...things sure aren't getting any easier. 

First day back at school

Every night it feels like I just get closer and closer to suicide. Ya know...take one extra pill, cut a little deeper, where does it end? Where is my way out? Is the end when I eventually go overboard and die? Or is it when someone decides to care and notice how miserably I'm doing? I don't know. And quite honestly, I don't care anymore. 

I went to another doctor about my legs yesterday, and it's the same old crap. I go in with one problem, and come out with 3. I always confuse doctors. I've never had a simple solution or diagnosis and it's so frustrating. 

Today is my first day back at school but I don't want to go. Yes I want to leave my house, but I hate school. I hate everyone at school except for my teachers and guidance counselors. All the kids I just have no respect for anymore. They don't need me around. 

It's so easy for me to isolate myself and detach from everyone. Sometimes I think that's best. It makes it easier for everyone in the long run. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make myself better. I wish I knew but I just don't. 

I haven't been to therapy since I had surgery, and I'm probably not going back because we can't afford it or something. My mom is always complaining about money. I know it's my fault because of all my medical expenses. I wish we never had to go through that. 

I punched a wall really hard again yesterday and my hand is all messed up. I hope my parents don't notice. Thy usually don't, but when they do they get mad. As always. Never concerned or upset, just angry. 

Well, wish me luck on my first day back at school! I have so much anxiety about it. I hate having social anxiety disorder. It makes everything worse. At least it's Wednesday and I get to go out for a little bit after. 

Constantly disappointed and let down by others

My whole life I've always felt disappointed and let down by others. I feel like that's the main cause of all my trust issues. Lately, I can't ignore how hurt I've been by others when I really needed them to be there for me, but instead I was alone. 

When I first thought I might be pregnant, I didn't want to take a test alone. I wanted someone to be there with me to make it just a little easier. Instead I took it sitting on my bathroom floor at 6:00am and I sat there crying for an hour before school. Alone. I didn't have anyone to be there for me. 

When I had to make decisions about what I wanted to do about that situation, I wanted people to listen to me and support me. Not force me into the one thing I didn't want to do and take away all my options. I just wanted support. I wanted someone to listen. I wanted my parents to step up and be my parents and not just threaten me about what would happen to me if I didn't do what they wanted. 

All I wanted was someone to care. I'm always there for everyone else whenever they need me. Be it a superficial high school problem, or legitimately horrible situations, I've never turned down anyone in need. Never turned a blind eye, or didn't care. So I guess when that's what I needed, I was really hurt to be so alone. 

If it had been my friend in that situation, I would have been there while she took a test. Supported her with whatever she wanted. Not force her into anything. Just listened and cared. I know easier said than done I guess, but it's true. I've been in that situation and that's exactly what I did. 

And I certainly would not have expected everyone to assume I would be fine after being forced into an abortion. I say forced because that's exactly what it was. 

Everyone expects me to be fine now. But I'm not. I'm hurting more than you can imagine. 

Not only am in pain emotionally from the trauma that just happened to me, but I'm also in pain physically from surgery. Nothing is easy for me right now. I couldn't feel more alone in any of this. It's too much for me to deal with on my own. I just shut down. 

Even now with this surgery I feel let down and disappointed because I feel like no one cares. I'm sitting home alone every single day while everyone else is having fun. It sucks. I wish people would come visit me more. I hate being alone. 

Inevitable disaster

Do you ever just feel like screaming? Or crying, or jumping off a bridge or just doing something to release some emotions?

I feel like that a lot. Like I just need any type of release but I can never get it. 

If you read one of my posts from last April called "Cycles", it talks about how every time after I get surgery, my depression gets a little bit better because I'm high on pain medicine all the time. I feel like crap and I'm always sleeping and my brain is just dysfunctional. But then after a few weeks, I just get worse and worse. I pretty much spiral out of control. Right after surgery number 3 was when I tried to kill myself. 

Here's the like for that other post if you're interested:
http://fightformylife-depression.blogspot.com/2011/04/cycles.html


I can only imagine how bad my depression is going to get this time. Everything around me is getting worse. My home life is a disaster. It's honestly getting out of control. Something disastrous is undoubtably going to happen very soon. I only wish you could all see just how bad it is here. It's just impossible to explain. 

I feel so alone. None of my friends even care about me anymore. Well, none that go to my school. I have a bunch of friends who go to different schools around me, and it's funny because they are the ones who are the farthest away, but the only ones who come to visit me. 

I can't leave the house because of my surgery and my "best friend" came to see me once and doesn't even text me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt but I don't know. What can you do. 

I couldn't feel more alone if I tried. I'm trapped in this freaking war zone just waiting for a tragedy. My friends don't talk to me, and I can't do a thing about it. Out of sight out of mind I guess. 

I'm really scared to be in this stupid house alone with my sister. She needs to be in the hospital. All she does is scream and torture all of us. My mom can't take it anymore either. Shes been really mean to my sister. Shes finally standing up to her but my dad yells at her whenever my mom yells back. There on completely different pages. Something bad is going to happen. Things are getting worse, not better. And it's all because I got surgery and my sister can't deal with that. 

She's insane

I had my surgery 2 days ago. I just got home from the hospital. Physically, I'm in a lottt of pain but I've been sleeping a lot so that's good. 

My sister has been off the walls insane. She just can't handle it when I have surgery because then the attention isn't on her. So she does everything in her power to make sure she has all the attention, be it good or bad. 

The night before I got surgery, she was screaming and yelling and threatening to kill herself every 5 minuets. She was cursing me out and saying how much she hates me and all of this crap. Her concern was that she was not going to be able to use the den (where the tv is) because I'm not able to go upstairs to my bedroom. Her concern was about not being able to watch tv. Not me. I expect nothing less from her. 

When I got home from the hospital, she got even worse. She was doing things to make things worse for me. When I was sleeping she intentionally woke me up. She blamed me of stealing 2 bottles of her stupid pills. (Guess she forgot how much she ODs on them). Shes screaming at my parents and my mom wanted to call the police but my dad wouldn't let her. I don't know why. I wanted her to call them so bad. 

She's the reason I hate my house so much. She needs to have negative attention on her. Can't live without it. It's always about her. Even when I'm the one recovering from surgery for the FIFTH time. She doesn't care. I hate her. No one will ever understand what it's like to live with her but it's so much worse than I can even describe. 

I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this mess stuck at home with her

My Medical Nightmare

So here is the watered down version of my medical nightmare. For those of you who don't, since 10th grade (2 years ago) I've had four major surgeries to correct the alignment in my legs. My older posts go into detail about those ones, but basically the first two broke my ankles and put me in a cast that went from my toes to my hip. 


I couldn't walk for months. It had to be done to both legs. Then in 11th grade, last year, my legs were supposed to be fixed from the previous surgeries, but they weren't. 

So I had two more surgeries, one on each leg. They broke my femurs, and put rods and screws in them. Once again, I couldn't walk for a very long time, but I thought it was worth it because I would FINALLY be done. 

Nope! Not done. Still have crazy amounts of leg pain, and no one could figure out why. They thought maybe the rods were causing problems in my hips because I'm so thin. So that is what I am having surgery on in 2 days, taking out the rods and screws in both legs. 

I got an MRI in early November, and here is a big shocker. It showed I had hip dysplasia. 

....Hip dysplasia? Aren't I only 17? Aren't I supposed to be healthy now? I'm not a dog...dogs get hip dysplasia. Dogs and older people. I am neither of those things...so I should not have this. 

Also, it's not even just regular hip dysplasia. It's some weird form of it, which only like 4 out of 1000 people have.  My surgeon does not perform the type of surgery that I need in order to correct this. 

It's called a periacetabular osteotomy. 

What that means in English, is that they break my pelvis in multiple spots and basically reshape my hip socket so my femur fits correctly into it. This surgery is the most major and risky/painful one yet, with at least a 3 month recovery on each side. 

Since this is so rare, there are not many pediatric surgeons who do this. There is one in New York City who my doctor recommended...but he's not in out insurance. Just to walk into his office for a consultation would be around 500 dollars. And to get surgery? Its going to be an INSANE amount of money that we just don't even come close to having. 

I have to get this done and it's going to push into next year. If I get my first surgery in April, then I wouldn't get my next one until about August. That means I can't even go to college next year. This whole thing is a mess. Financially, medically, nothing is easy. Not even remotely. 

I don't know how this is all going to fall into place and I'm scared. We don't have the money or time. And this isn't something I can put off without doing significant damage to my legs. 

For now I guess I'll just get surgery on valentines day and go from there...

Gee...I wonder if this contributed to my depression at all?!

Surrounded

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit".

Thats how I feel. Like I should quit. Surgery in 5 days. I can't manage going into detail about that now, but there's a lot of drama surrounding it. I bring hardships with me wherever I go. 

We've all heard those expressions "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". 

When life throws shit at you, you are supposed to accept it for what it is, learn not to put yourself in that position, and walk away from it. Right? But what if there is a circle of shit-throwers surrounding you. 

You have no where to go, no where to hide, and no one to help you. Then what? Do you just stand there helplessly? Or are you a fool to do so. What other options are there? You're surrounded. You know it's eventually going to kill you. It's a fact. So do you wait to be killed? Or do it yourself. 

That's how I feel. Like I'm surrounded, and I'm foolishly just standing there hoping and praying for the clearly impossible. I don't know what my options are anymore. I'm confused and scared and looking for a way to make it out of the circle alive, but I don't see a way out. 

Misery

Dropped 3 more pounds. Only 10 to go until my target weight. Yay. 

So I'm really excited to get surgery again for the 5th time. Only 8 more days! It should be great. I'll get to spend lots of time with my family, and maybe my sister and I will finally bond! 

Hahahahahahah if only you could hear the extent of the sarcasm in my voice. I'm dreading it. I didn't even think I would be alive for it. But hey, I got a whole 8 more days. Anything can happen right? School was miserable today. I hate how no matter what I do, say, or think, my cries for help are always ignored. 

I want my guidance counselor to pull me out of class and ask me what the hell is wrong. I want my friends to care. I want anybody to notice. To ask me why I haven't eaten in 3 days. I've literally only consumed water and coffee, and if I was forced to eat, it didn't stay down. 

I want someone to care so bad. I can't stop feeling so alone and desperate and it hurts so bad. I'm treated badly and abused in every single aspect of my life and I just want ONE safe place. One safe person. Anything at all. I can't do this anymore. 

I can't continue to hurt like this and do nothing about it. And once again, surgery stands in my way. If I didn't have to get surgery, I would honestly consider going into school with a huge slice across my wrist. Make visible the pain I feel everyday. But I can't. 

Every day I think about how I'm going to kill myself, when, where, every little detail. I think about who would care. No one would. But it's fine. 

I'm over it. If you think people not caring affects me anymore you're wrong. I'm numb to it. No one has or ever will be there for me and I've accepted it. 

If I can't be appreciated, I at least hope to be remembered. 

It never ends!

It really never ends. So you know my scum bag exboyfriend? We broke up like a week ago. Ya know, after I went through the hardest and most traumatic time of my life for HIM, and he already has a new girlfriend. 

Um...Haha I wonder if she knows he got me pregnant. If she knows he FORCED me into an abortion. If she knows he cheated on me. If she knows how much drugs he does. If she knows how much he verbally bashed me every single day. You go girl, you're gettin a real winner!

I make it sound like a big joke, but it actually hurt like hell. Obviously he was cheating on me with her while all this was going on. He didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. I found out through Facebook. Good right? Whatever. Karma is a bitch and he'll get his eventually. 

I haven't been eating at all. I just haven't been hungry. My anxiety is like off the charts and I can't even breathe anymore. 

My fucking best friend moved to Florida yesterday. I went to her going away party and it was fun until I had to say goodbye. I'm no good at goodbyes. They always seem to mean more to me than other people. Like, it really is goodbye for me. I don't know. 

I've been smoking soo much lately too. I need to. Like, I just can't not smoke. I'm drinking this weekend too thank god. It's been wayyyy to long since I've had alcohol. I think about it everyday. How I just wish I was fucked up and drunk so I didn't have to think or feel. 

Wanna hear what else? I'm getting surgery. February 14th. Valentines day. I find that to be quite ironic and funny. 

The pain of any surgery is nothing compared to the pain I felt when I was with him. 

I'm just not thrilled to be getting surgery. Especially when I'm at this much of a downward spiral. It's just funny because I can't talk to anybody about any of this. No one understands. It's all too heavy for them and they don't know how to deal with it so, they just don't. Whatever...we will all see where this leads. They'll all figure it out sooner or later. 

Oh crap

So here's some news for all of you. Remember how I said I was scared of a mistake I made? Well, I'm pregnant. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared out of my mind. I want to keep the baby but my boyfriend is begging me to get an abortion.

I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy. I feel so alone. It's a really great thing how my emotions are going crazy because of hormones right now and I had to stop taking my zoloft cold turkey. Yeah all of these things are a great combination.

My surgery was cancelled. That also sucks because you have no idea how bad my legs hurt. I hate my life so much. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting and I just hate myself. I wish I could starve myself until I lose weight again, but now I can't.

I can't do this. I can't. I need help and support and I don't have any.

Loner

The fact that I have to get surgery again is ripping me apart. I told my friends very clearly that if I had to get surgery again, my mental state would probably severely worsen. 

And oh, have I gotten worse. It seems like every time I hit rock bottom...I get a little lower each time. Things will never get better because there always getting worse. I haven't eaten in like 3 days. I've been cutting, smoking, everything bad you can think of I can almost guarantee I've done lately. 

When I need all my friends the most no one is there. I'm more of a loner than I've ever been and it hurts. I need people to lean on but they're to busy with their own shit I guess. 

I wish someone would be there for me like I know I would be there for them. No one cares though. But it's fine...I guess I'm used to it. All I want in this world is love. I just want someone to really love me. But that will never happen. 

Forget gifts. All I want for Christmas this year is love and happiness. Too bad Santa can't wrap that up and give it to me.