Well, I don't want to celebrate something that I destroyed. I feel like I've been getting increasingly more depressed lately. I miss my baby. I wish I could change everything. August 14th...that's going to be a horrible day. The day my beautiful child should have been born.
Less than a week after my birthday I got a tattoo. My parents still don't know about it. It's on my wrist. It's a picture of a baby laying down with an angel wing and a soft golden glow above it's head, and under it it says rip skylar. I love it.
Instead of cutting or doing anything else harmful to myself, I instead memorialized my child. Something I've wanted to do for a long time.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this hidden from my parents. Probably another 7 days..... Remember when I broke my hand? Well, apparently I did more than just break a few bones when I hit that wall. I messed my shoulder up really badly. I tore my labrum and rotator cuff and who knows what else that they didn't find. I'm getting surgery for it on the 27th. I can't even complain because I did it to myself. My doctor was amazed at how much force must have been exerted in order to create that much damage...it's near impossible. I don't know how the hell I managed to do that. Seriously.
So 6 surgeries since 10th grade. Hopefully I'll still be able to go to college in the fall. I guess it's karma though. I deserved it. I'm used to having surgery on my legs...I know how to handle that. I know all the tricks on how to get around, shower, everything. 5surgeries will teach you that.
But shoulder? That's completely new to me. I won't have any use of my entire arm for at LEAST 3 weeks. I'm scared, not gonna lie. It's going to be impossible to sleep, lay down, even move my neck. It's really going to suck. I sure as hell hope my parents are gonna be around to help me out...and I don't know what I'll do if I can't see my two best friends Sam and Jen. I need them. I'm so scared of this.
I don't even have my brother. My parents just took him and all of his stuff to his new apartment in Virginia this morning. I couldn't go because there wasn't enough room in the car and I had to watch my dog. I miss him already. I wish he could be here to take care of me and protect me. I have no one without him.
On the plus side...my sister is going away!!! She's leaving Sunday night. I couldn't be happier about that. Now she can't complain about me getting "attention" because of surgery or whatever. At least that's one less thing to worry about. Being stuck with her 24 7. I'll just be alone. But it's better than having her here. She's going into the hospital for god knows what. Hopefully shell be gone a few months...
I'm going to start writing regularly again. Wish me luck with everything...things sure aren't getting any easier.
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