College

So I have, yet again, been gone for a while. That's because as you know, almost everybody who reads my blog doesn't know me personally. My ex boyfriend somehow got a hold of this and was reading it for a while. Oh well. So I just wanted to stop writing to let it die down for a while until he and everyone else forgot about it. But now here I am.

I'm in college now. I hate it. Not the school itself, but the whole idea of it. I'm trying to be good enough for my parents, my boyfriend, myself and the rest of my family, I've already let everyone down so much already. If it was up to me I would just drop out of school now. I'm just so unmotivated.

I don't know if there was a time when I was doing better. I'm sure as hell going down a bad path now, I can tell you that much. I'm not sleeping, eating way to much (soon to stop that), and just so anxious and depressed all the time. My PTSD has also gotten very, very bad.

I always want to be...well, not sober. And I'm absolutely terrified of guys. I have good reason though. I mean, being raped by not one, but two different guys within the past year has really fucked me up.

I also feel like I have No home at all. I mean, for college, I literally live in a hotel. There's too many students than there are dorms, so a bunch of us live in hotels in the area. So between that and traveling 2 and a half hours to visit my boyfriend and going home on weekend, I just feel so nomadic. I hate it. It's one of the worst feelings ever.
I don't know. It just hasn't been a good transition for me. I've been isolating myself a hell of a lot lately also. My roommate is gone for the next 12 days. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to do something stupid within that time. Who knows. I honestly don't know whats going to happen anymore. I just want everything to be okay but I know that's probably not possible anymore. I need help, advice, something on how to get through this.

I don't want to be inconsistent....so I'm going to be writing a lot. It's not like I have anything better to do really.