Needing some motivation

I'm starting to hate my life too much for words I even describe. I just honestly have no joy in life anymore. I have one person and that's it. That's not living...I'm not even sure it's existing at this point.  I just want to quit. But I can't because then I would be letting the one person I care about down. But do I even care about that anymore? Is it even worth it? I don't know. Honestly probably not. Long distance relationships are hard, but apparently not as hard as keeping friendships. I live 2 and a half hours away from my boyfriend, and 1 hour away from my "best friend" and I'm way closer to him than I am with her.

She doesn't need me anymore. I'm gone now. It sucks. I feel so completely alone and miserable and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't think there's anything I can do. I'm literally going to be alone forever. I can't trust people. I don't even know how I got my ass into a relationship. For the past 6+ months I've been with this guy, all the while completely doubting it and myself thinking he's going to leave me. And he swears he won't but I'll never be able to believe him. And why should I? Do you know how many times I've heard than only to have it be followed up with that person (or myself) leaving? Do I honestly think we're going to get married? Sure, I want to, but who would want me forever. He doesn't even think I'm going to be alive long enough to make it through this semester.

And I honestly hope I don't. I hope I never ever have to live through another January 18th ever again. That was the single worst day of my life and if I could be gone before that date, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I want to be able to get through all of this. I just need to find some motivation. I need something.