Needing some motivation

I'm starting to hate my life too much for words I even describe. I just honestly have no joy in life anymore. I have one person and that's it. That's not living...I'm not even sure it's existing at this point.  I just want to quit. But I can't because then I would be letting the one person I care about down. But do I even care about that anymore? Is it even worth it? I don't know. Honestly probably not. Long distance relationships are hard, but apparently not as hard as keeping friendships. I live 2 and a half hours away from my boyfriend, and 1 hour away from my "best friend" and I'm way closer to him than I am with her.

She doesn't need me anymore. I'm gone now. It sucks. I feel so completely alone and miserable and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't think there's anything I can do. I'm literally going to be alone forever. I can't trust people. I don't even know how I got my ass into a relationship. For the past 6+ months I've been with this guy, all the while completely doubting it and myself thinking he's going to leave me. And he swears he won't but I'll never be able to believe him. And why should I? Do you know how many times I've heard than only to have it be followed up with that person (or myself) leaving? Do I honestly think we're going to get married? Sure, I want to, but who would want me forever. He doesn't even think I'm going to be alive long enough to make it through this semester.

And I honestly hope I don't. I hope I never ever have to live through another January 18th ever again. That was the single worst day of my life and if I could be gone before that date, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I want to be able to get through all of this. I just need to find some motivation. I need something.

Constantly disappointed and let down by others

My whole life I've always felt disappointed and let down by others. I feel like that's the main cause of all my trust issues. Lately, I can't ignore how hurt I've been by others when I really needed them to be there for me, but instead I was alone. 

When I first thought I might be pregnant, I didn't want to take a test alone. I wanted someone to be there with me to make it just a little easier. Instead I took it sitting on my bathroom floor at 6:00am and I sat there crying for an hour before school. Alone. I didn't have anyone to be there for me. 

When I had to make decisions about what I wanted to do about that situation, I wanted people to listen to me and support me. Not force me into the one thing I didn't want to do and take away all my options. I just wanted support. I wanted someone to listen. I wanted my parents to step up and be my parents and not just threaten me about what would happen to me if I didn't do what they wanted. 

All I wanted was someone to care. I'm always there for everyone else whenever they need me. Be it a superficial high school problem, or legitimately horrible situations, I've never turned down anyone in need. Never turned a blind eye, or didn't care. So I guess when that's what I needed, I was really hurt to be so alone. 

If it had been my friend in that situation, I would have been there while she took a test. Supported her with whatever she wanted. Not force her into anything. Just listened and cared. I know easier said than done I guess, but it's true. I've been in that situation and that's exactly what I did. 

And I certainly would not have expected everyone to assume I would be fine after being forced into an abortion. I say forced because that's exactly what it was. 

Everyone expects me to be fine now. But I'm not. I'm hurting more than you can imagine. 

Not only am in pain emotionally from the trauma that just happened to me, but I'm also in pain physically from surgery. Nothing is easy for me right now. I couldn't feel more alone in any of this. It's too much for me to deal with on my own. I just shut down. 

Even now with this surgery I feel let down and disappointed because I feel like no one cares. I'm sitting home alone every single day while everyone else is having fun. It sucks. I wish people would come visit me more. I hate being alone. 

How can they do this? Why?

How can they all do this to me? How can my parents want to kill their grandchild? How could Brian want to kill his son or daughter? How could she just leave me like that? How can everyone betray me so easily when I need them the most. 

How is everyone SO selfish when I strive to live my life to be as selfless as I can? I just don't understand. Why did all of this happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? 

I know they say life's not fair, and trust me I know that, but this is just taking it above and beyond the normal realms of typical "life obstacles". I need help and I have absolutely no one. It's ridiculous! 

My life has gone to shit and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. Im completely lost and alone. Am I going to make it out of this mess alive? I really just don't think so. 

I can't take being at home. It's so unhealthy for me. My sister is just getting worse and worse and taking it out on me and overdosing on her medicine nonstop and there is nothing anyone will do to stop her. 

I haven't left my stupid house once this break. Don't I deserve to go out and have fun and get my mind off of things too? No. I guess not. Because my best friend left me and took my other friends with her. And I don't think she knows just how bad that hurt me. How could you do that? How?

That's all I have to say about anything anymore. How and why. It just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. I'm going to die.