A night of bad choices

Thanksgiving will forever be a negative day in my mind. It's the day where I made all the wrong choices.

I remember 2 years ago, on Thanksgiving in 2010, was when I found out I was cheated on for the first time. It hurt...but I loved him more than the hurt. So I forgave him and dropped it.

Then this Thanksgiving. I remember it perfectly. I was getting really bad with image issues and eating and all that..so Thanksgiving by nature was going to be a hard day. I was surrounded by food and was really uncomfortable. Everyone in my life is still completely in the dark about that. I threw up so much that night. And got away with it every time. I just felt like such crap. So alone and unloved. And not good enough. My cousins were over that night. I love them to death. They have two young kids. The boy just turned 4 and the baby girl is turning 1 in about two weeks. The baby was only about 7 months on Thanksgiving.

I love those kids so much. That whole family. We were all in my den and I was playing with the kids, and it made me so upset to see how a normal family functions. My cousins love their kids so much. They would do anything for them. They are such great parents. It really put me in such a sad place seeing how functional and loving their whole family is.

I want that. I wanted love. I needed attention that night. Be it good or bad attention...I just needed something. I couldn't be alone. I just felt so horrible. So I asked Brian if he wanted to hang out. That's the night I got pregnant.

I just didn't want to be alone. I don't know what went so wrong. It all makes me so depressed. Everything about it does. I can't stop hating myself.

I think I'll be gone from this world soon, but I just don't know.

I miss him so much...

I miss him so much. I'm never going to be able to stop missing him. If I wanted to, I could've been in a relationship with 2 other guys by now. I could be hooking up with them. But I'm not. I can't. I can't stop thinking about him and his new girlfriend who I'm so jealous of, and it hurts so bad.

Every time I see them talk on Facebook or whatever I die a little more inside. I want to text him, or talk to him, or see him or anything.

At the end of the day,  it doesn't matter how bad he hurt me, or how bad I hurt him if I did hurt him, I just miss him and would do anything to have him again. I'd sell my soul. Well, whatever is left of it.

I just want to feel love, acceptance, and I want to feel like I'm good enough for someone. But I'm not. He was the only guy I have ever loved, and probably the only guy I will ever allow myself to love.

Who knows if he even still thinks about me. I wonder if I ever cross his mind, or if he ever thinks positively about me. I don't know. Probably not. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.

It hurts to know how he's doing things with this new girl that he used to do with me. It would be so much easier if she wasn't in the picture. It isn't about her. It's not a jealousy thing. If he was single I would've tried to talk to him a long time ago. But I don't want him to think I'm just trying to make things worse for him. I'm not. I want us both to be happy...together.

That's all I want. All I've ever wanted.

I wish he knew how sorry I was for everything that happened. Because I am. I hate myself for it every single day.

I'm not denying it that I handled it badly. I pushed him away so bad. I was so angry...but reasonably so. I was going through the most miserable time of my life and I pushed away the one person I needed the most.

I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry we got in that position, and that it ended so horribly and everything. I probably won't ever forgive myself for it. I know I never will.

Constantly disappointed and let down by others

My whole life I've always felt disappointed and let down by others. I feel like that's the main cause of all my trust issues. Lately, I can't ignore how hurt I've been by others when I really needed them to be there for me, but instead I was alone. 

When I first thought I might be pregnant, I didn't want to take a test alone. I wanted someone to be there with me to make it just a little easier. Instead I took it sitting on my bathroom floor at 6:00am and I sat there crying for an hour before school. Alone. I didn't have anyone to be there for me. 

When I had to make decisions about what I wanted to do about that situation, I wanted people to listen to me and support me. Not force me into the one thing I didn't want to do and take away all my options. I just wanted support. I wanted someone to listen. I wanted my parents to step up and be my parents and not just threaten me about what would happen to me if I didn't do what they wanted. 

All I wanted was someone to care. I'm always there for everyone else whenever they need me. Be it a superficial high school problem, or legitimately horrible situations, I've never turned down anyone in need. Never turned a blind eye, or didn't care. So I guess when that's what I needed, I was really hurt to be so alone. 

If it had been my friend in that situation, I would have been there while she took a test. Supported her with whatever she wanted. Not force her into anything. Just listened and cared. I know easier said than done I guess, but it's true. I've been in that situation and that's exactly what I did. 

And I certainly would not have expected everyone to assume I would be fine after being forced into an abortion. I say forced because that's exactly what it was. 

Everyone expects me to be fine now. But I'm not. I'm hurting more than you can imagine. 

Not only am in pain emotionally from the trauma that just happened to me, but I'm also in pain physically from surgery. Nothing is easy for me right now. I couldn't feel more alone in any of this. It's too much for me to deal with on my own. I just shut down. 

Even now with this surgery I feel let down and disappointed because I feel like no one cares. I'm sitting home alone every single day while everyone else is having fun. It sucks. I wish people would come visit me more. I hate being alone. 

Hate and regret

Okay. Here it is. On Wednesday I got an abortion. I did not want to. I was fighting it all the way. I had no choice. It was either that, or get thrown out of my house, have no support from the dad or my own family and be living on the streets with no insurance. I considered it. I considered making it work, seeing what I could do to change everyone's mind. I tried. Everyday I tried.

I told everyone what it would do to me if they made me go through with it. I told them very bluntly. I guess they didn't believe me.

This past week has been hell for me. I'll never be able to explain the pain I'm going through. So yeah, I planned my suicide. It surrounds my every thought. I couldn't function. I didn't want to anymore. I still don't. A huge part of me died on Wednesday. January 18th. A day I will never forget.

I gave up on my life. I stopped trying, I stopped caring. I stopped talking to everyone around me. I'm mad at everyone and I resent them so much for what they forced me into. I want to blame them. I didn't have a choice in what I did. It would have been different if I had made the choice on my own. But I didn't. It wasn't what I wanted.

If I could go back, well, I'd go back and not get pregnant. But I wouldn't have done what I did. I wouldn't have let push me into it.

Every day is misery. I can't stop crying, I can't stop being angry and upset and hating my life. Every day I think of how much I want to quit. I hate my parents for not supporting me. But I hate them more for thinking I'm supposed to be okay and happy right now. They think I'm upset because I'm trying to manipulate them into something. I'm not, obviously.

Sorry I'm upset. Sorry I can't put on a happy face anymore. I'm sorry I just can't do this. I'm trying to pull myself together...but it's hard to want to live when I'm this deep into my depression.

No motivation...

I just have absolutely no motivation anymore. No reason to get out of bed, to get dressed, to literally do anything. All I do is sit like a fucking bum and do nothing. 

And I guess no one sees any sort of problem in this. I refuse to leave my house, even talking to people is becoming a seemingly impossible task. I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away. My anxiety is spiking severely too. I can't control my mind. It's wandering to every bad thought that I don't want to think about. 

How the hell do I get outside of my head? I don't want to be trapped like this. I want to feel better. I don't want to be in this situation. I want to be dead. That's it. That's my goal in life. To stop all the pain. No one listens to me long enough to take me seriously anyway. It sucks. 

I'm never going to be me again. I'm never going to be happy, or enjoy life, or go out with "friends" or do anything. I literally can't find enough energy to open my mouth to respond to my parents when they ask me something. I just grunt. I guess they're used to that though. 

My stupid parents care about my dog more than they care about me. I guess that makes sense. My dog never got pregnant. She never tried to kill herself and she doesn't hate her life and want to die. I would care more about my dog than I would about me too. 

I feel nauseous and depressed and tired and anxious and I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I've never felt this much pain in my life and I need it to stop. 

Oh crap

So here's some news for all of you. Remember how I said I was scared of a mistake I made? Well, I'm pregnant. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared out of my mind. I want to keep the baby but my boyfriend is begging me to get an abortion.

I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy. I feel so alone. It's a really great thing how my emotions are going crazy because of hormones right now and I had to stop taking my zoloft cold turkey. Yeah all of these things are a great combination.

My surgery was cancelled. That also sucks because you have no idea how bad my legs hurt. I hate my life so much. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting and I just hate myself. I wish I could starve myself until I lose weight again, but now I can't.

I can't do this. I can't. I need help and support and I don't have any.