My whole life I've always felt disappointed and let down by others. I feel like that's the main cause of all my trust issues. Lately, I can't ignore how hurt I've been by others when I really needed them to be there for me, but instead I was alone.
When I first thought I might be pregnant, I didn't want to take a test alone. I wanted someone to be there with me to make it just a little easier. Instead I took it sitting on my bathroom floor at 6:00am and I sat there crying for an hour before school. Alone. I didn't have anyone to be there for me.
When I had to make decisions about what I wanted to do about that situation, I wanted people to listen to me and support me. Not force me into the one thing I didn't want to do and take away all my options. I just wanted support. I wanted someone to listen. I wanted my parents to step up and be my parents and not just threaten me about what would happen to me if I didn't do what they wanted.
All I wanted was someone to care. I'm always there for everyone else whenever they need me. Be it a superficial high school problem, or legitimately horrible situations, I've never turned down anyone in need. Never turned a blind eye, or didn't care. So I guess when that's what I needed, I was really hurt to be so alone.
If it had been my friend in that situation, I would have been there while she took a test. Supported her with whatever she wanted. Not force her into anything. Just listened and cared. I know easier said than done I guess, but it's true. I've been in that situation and that's exactly what I did.
And I certainly would not have expected everyone to assume I would be fine after being forced into an abortion. I say forced because that's exactly what it was.
Everyone expects me to be fine now. But I'm not. I'm hurting more than you can imagine.
Not only am in pain emotionally from the trauma that just happened to me, but I'm also in pain physically from surgery. Nothing is easy for me right now. I couldn't feel more alone in any of this. It's too much for me to deal with on my own. I just shut down.
Even now with this surgery I feel let down and disappointed because I feel like no one cares. I'm sitting home alone every single day while everyone else is having fun. It sucks. I wish people would come visit me more. I hate being alone.
I'm sorry that your friends can't seem to value the amazing loyalty and support you've shown them. They really don't know how blessed they are. It must be a human weakness. When I moved 1200 miles away, I could never get ahold of my best friend (and still can't)-she wouldn't answer her phone or return calls, texts, or emails. Finally I just decided to wait and see if she would ever try to contact me. She emails me once every 2 or 3 months. It really upset me, so I know how frustrating it is. Wish I could give you a hug right now.
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