I'm done. I can't deal with all the shit at home, all the shit at work, and all the shit at school.
I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of ALWAYS being second best. I'm so sick of letting everybody step all over me and expect me to let it slide. I'm done being yelled at and I'm done being made to feel inadequate.
And you all wonder why I'm suicidal? I hate my life more than words could ever express. I'm never good enough. And I don't know why. Am I ugly? Am I fat? Do I speak a different language? Am I just not good enough in general? Seriously, what the hell!
I'm not going to prom, not because I don't have a date, because I do (and no it's not my scum bag exboyfriend), but because when my "best friend" was making plans with who to go with, she "forgot" or whatever the hell her excuse is to include me. So now I don't have a spot on the bus. Yeah, that pisses me off more than a little bit.
I tried talking about my problems because I thought maybe that would help me feel better. Nope! No one gave a shit!
So now I'm back to putting on a stupid happy face. The sad part? EVERYONE BUYS IT.
How dumb can you be. Or is it that they all choose to look the other way? Yeah, probably that one. I'm sick of being alone in this. I need at least one person, and my best friend moved really far away. We talk everyday but I miss her. I want to be able to take care of her and I feel helpless all the way over here.
I haven't eaten more than 300 calories in a day for a week straight. Dropped 7 pounds. Still not good enough. If I'm getting surgery, I have to be way smaller than I am now. I want to get back to 95 like I was.
No one cares. No one notices. No one makes me eat.
If I want to starve myself, whose going to make me eat?
If I want to cut, whose going to stop me?
If I want to talk, whose going to be there to listen?
If I'm about to kill myself, who is going to be there to stop me?
No one. No one at all.
Me. I'll be here.
ReplyDeleteIf I want to starve myself, whose going to make me eat?: No one can make you do anything you don't want to do.
ReplyDeleteIf I want to cut, whose going to stop me?: You will only stop when you are ready and able to.
If I want to talk, whose going to be there to listen?: There are people listening right here, I know it might not be enough for you right now, but we are here. You can email me through my blog too if you need to.
If I'm about to kill myself, who is going to be there to stop me?: Again no one can stop you, but the questioning would point to me that you would like someone to stop you. Maybe?
Your description of depression is very familiar to me and the suicidal thoughts taking over is something I've been fighting for a long time too. I'd like you to know that I am here, even though far away.
I can't tell you not to give up. It's your choice and no one can make that for you but there is a chance things could change...however tiny, it is there...
www.thinking-about-leaving.blogspot.com
There is one thing to look forward to. Soon you will be 18 and you can just walk away. You can move far enough away that you will only have to see them once or twice and have a whole new life. No one who makes you feel like the shitty leftovers. there will always be problems in life but there will not always be abuse. I wish I could hug you. And I really mean it, I am here if you want to talk.
ReplyDelete