Painfully Numb: Can't relate to anyone but myself

How can a person feel such pain, and such numbness all at the same time? It doesn't seem to be possible, but yet here I am. Hurting so badly and all I want to do is cry and scream and cut, yet I sit here stone-faced and calm because my body won't allow myself to feel such emotions. I literally feel as if I have just completely shut down. I just want to feel okay again. Nothing is right...nothing  seems worth it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold onto life.

Sometimes when I write I don't even think. The words just seem to come out so smoothly and effortlessly. I have no idea what I've written after the fact. I go back and read what I wrote sometimes and it's amazing how much I can relate to myself and the words that I've written. It's like the emotions are so familiar, but I'm experiencing the words for the first time. It's kind of nice being able to relate to someone...even if it is just yourself. I wish I could stop feeling so alone and hopeless. The constant pain is quite literally killing me. I wish there was something I could do about it, but I can't. This painfully numb emotion is one that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It really is terrible.

College

So I have, yet again, been gone for a while. That's because as you know, almost everybody who reads my blog doesn't know me personally. My ex boyfriend somehow got a hold of this and was reading it for a while. Oh well. So I just wanted to stop writing to let it die down for a while until he and everyone else forgot about it. But now here I am.

I'm in college now. I hate it. Not the school itself, but the whole idea of it. I'm trying to be good enough for my parents, my boyfriend, myself and the rest of my family, I've already let everyone down so much already. If it was up to me I would just drop out of school now. I'm just so unmotivated.

I don't know if there was a time when I was doing better. I'm sure as hell going down a bad path now, I can tell you that much. I'm not sleeping, eating way to much (soon to stop that), and just so anxious and depressed all the time. My PTSD has also gotten very, very bad.

I always want to be...well, not sober. And I'm absolutely terrified of guys. I have good reason though. I mean, being raped by not one, but two different guys within the past year has really fucked me up.

I also feel like I have No home at all. I mean, for college, I literally live in a hotel. There's too many students than there are dorms, so a bunch of us live in hotels in the area. So between that and traveling 2 and a half hours to visit my boyfriend and going home on weekend, I just feel so nomadic. I hate it. It's one of the worst feelings ever.
I don't know. It just hasn't been a good transition for me. I've been isolating myself a hell of a lot lately also. My roommate is gone for the next 12 days. My boyfriend thinks I'm going to do something stupid within that time. Who knows. I honestly don't know whats going to happen anymore. I just want everything to be okay but I know that's probably not possible anymore. I need help, advice, something on how to get through this.

I don't want to be inconsistent....so I'm going to be writing a lot. It's not like I have anything better to do really.

Invisible Children

Do you ever find yourself to be in a room full of people, but just feel horribly alone? Invisible even? That happens to me all the time. It sucks. I can never feel good enough, or connected enough, or anything. 

Even when I write on here sometimes I don't feel good enough. I find myself to write and then erase and rewrite and it gets frustrating. So then I won't write, and I'll get anxiety about it and it's a  vicious cycle. That happens not only in my writing, but with everything in my life. 

If I do something, I want to do it well. I want to exceed. If I feel like I'm just not doing good enough, I quit. I just give up. It really frustrates me. I want to be good enough. For anyone. I want to be loved and I would do anything to feel love. Anything. 

Desperation is not a pleasant feeling. 

As far as eating and all of that goes, I thought I was doing better. Truth is, I was just happy because I was loosing weight by sitting on the couch and using crutches and not eating as much I guess. I'm back to around 100 now which is good. 

I thought I was better, but today proved me wrong. I ate what I thought was too much and I didn't like it. I didn't like how it felt. So yeah I slipped back into some old habits. It doesn't make me feel better. Truth is, it just makes me feel even worse. 

I don't know how many of you guys have heard of this, but today I was doing a lot thinking about this and it's really important. Not important to me, or to you, but the world. It just puts prospective on things. 

As invisible as I'll ever be and feel, at least I'm not a child soldier. I'm help captive inside a depressed 17 year olds body, but I'm not forced to kill my family or anything like that. 

Truth is, we all are lucky. Please please please watch this video, and do what you can to help. Yes it's 30 minuets, but if I can sit through it willingly, you can all make time for it. You really need to. 

For me getting involved in important things like this makes me feel important. Maybe that's what my purpose is. So here I am, spreading the world. I got my a bunch of people on board already, and now I'm asking all of you guys to help stop this. 


http://s3.amazonaws.com/kony2012/kony.html  

Please watch. It really makes you think. Imagine what we can accomplish if we all just work together. Nothing is impossible with teamwork. Nothing. 

If you're wondering why I'm mad...

So yesterday I got in even more trouble. My guidance counselor pulled me out of class 9th period, right before the end of the day. I had no idea what to expect, I couldn't even imagine what else I could have done to get in trouble. 

I had to stay after school for a good 2 hours. It was miserable. I was with my guidance counselor, my principle, and my assistant principle. They were all talking to me about being suicidal and cutting and everything else. I wanted to open up and be honest but I can't because I'm scared. I'm constantly living my life in fear. Of my parents, of my friends, of everything. 

Then my mom came and everything changed. My guard was up and there was nothing anyone could say or do to make me any less edgy at that point. That's what my parents do to me. They have hurt me so bad I can't be in the same room with them and be able to keep cool. 

So my mom sat there and acted like an angel and denied everything I said and belittled me. I couldn't take it. I was so frustrated! It's not fair. I have to live with these monsters at home and no one will ever see it because of this stupid act that they've perfected. So now everyone at school hates me even more. I'm sure they all think I'm this stupid little bitch who lies and complains and all that. 

To bad they can't see what really happens when no one of authority is around. I got it pretty bad when I got home. My parents still have yet to be civil towards me and I'm just shutting up and letting them do it. Man I hate my life. I need to get out of here. 

Needless to say, I'm pretty fucking pissed at every single one of my friends. Screw me over once, shame on you. Screw me over twice...maybe I should learn to shut my mouth. Do it three times? Were fucking done. 

I have successfully pushed away everyone I wanted to. Everyone except my boyfriend. He has done nothing to hurt me so I refuse to hurt him. 

I don't need anyone. I sure as hell wish I had just ONE person in this world who I could talk to openly and honestly and not have to worry about getting in trouble for it. 

Because guess what. WHEN YOU TELL THE SCHOOL IT GETS BACK TO MY PARENTS AND I GET IN A SHIT LOAD OF TROUBLE!!! So just stop already!! I hope you realize that I can no longer trust anyone and all this has done is make me more depressed and alone and withdrawn. 

I don't need anyone but myself. Sorry if this hurt anyone but I figured you deserved to know why I'm pissed. I know you were trying to help but you didn't. All you have done is cause more problems because my parents are abusive assholes. Sorry.