Do you ever hate yourself for waking up in the morning? Or for how you look in the mirror?
I hate myself for a lot of things. I wish I never woke up again. Things are getting so bad, both at home and at school. I actually cut in school yesterday. I don't know if I can say I've done that yet. It's so fucked up. I got pulled out of class for my supposed alcohol use, and they focus on that, but not what I actually want them to focus on!
Why can't they ask me how I'm doing in general? Or if I'm cutting or suicidal or depressed or...anything! It's so frustrating. Everyone always turns a blind eye and it is killing me. No one will pay attention.
There is literally only so much I can do to cry out for help before I just..well, whatever.
Bottom line?
I'm going into a bad place again. Well, a lower place than what I was at. I'm scared of being alone with myself.
Hi Alana,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog and I wish you happiness. I myself have struggled with depression. I sometimes let my thoughts take over and bring me down to a very low level.
I do not know your religious beliefs, I myself am not very religious...more spiritual I would say...but one thing that has helped me is at the end of the night is counting my blessings.
One thing I prayed for was God to let me be more grateful, because gratitude is one of the greatest positive emotions. Now, just about everyday I see a person in a less fortunate situation than me..handicap, homeless, etc...
This makes me thank God for where I am and my health and puts me in a positive mood again.
I am not trying to tell you how to defeat depression...I'm sure many people have tried telling you things that work etc...but if you try this I guarantee it will work. Just at the end of the night, or whenever, be thankful for the good in your life. Focus on that.
Hope happiness shines on you soon Alana. Take care!
Alana, are you ok? It has been quite awhile since you've written. I hope that you are ok...
ReplyDeleteDear Kid,
ReplyDeleteTake charge of your life. The frustration you have will eat you up until you pick a purpose in your life. Do some soul searching, you will find your answers. I feel you have to do something big in life and your not searching for it is leading to your depression. Talk to the nature, sit under a tree, smell a rose, listen to the sounds of winds and birds, meditate for atleast an hour in a day - reach for thoughtless mind where you focus only on your breathing to stop this mindless chatter(within your mind) that you are writing here ... AND stop writing these negative blogs completely ! Your mind is creating your environment. You are creating your own hell - so please take charge...
I would like to recommend a book for you - Ageless body and timeless mind by Deepak Chopra (Read it completely)
You are stronger than you think. I have a physical disability, so I understand about leg pain. I also have depression, which has stolen 3 years of my life; but, there is hope. We are all survivors.
ReplyDeleteBelieve in yourself.
Take care.