Rough week.

So I met yet another new therapist. This one is a guy. He seemed alright...he talked most of the time though which I didn't mind I guess. 

The other night I drank a lot. Then I cut. Then I broke down.  Typical night I guess. My new therapist wants me to come twice a week. I guess he sees how screwed up I am. I want to live somewhere else. Just anywhere else. Somewhere someone will love me and take care of me and just make me feel safe. I guess I'll never have that though. 

I got MRIs and x-rays today. I'm scared for the results. I don't want more surgery but I don't want them to do nothing either. Because I'm in a lot of pain.

I just can't catch a break. If it's not the mental stuff it's the physical stuff. I haven't been sleeping either. I actually fell asleep in the MRI machine. That says a lot. First of all, I can never ever sleep where I feel like people can see me, and also it's really really loud in there. That shows how exhausted I am. 

I made a pro and con list of if I should kill myself or not. The reasons to kill myself were about twice as much as the reasons not to.  Obviously I'm doing so much better. Hah. I wish.