Busy day

Well today I had a psychiatrist appointment. I did not want to go. I was in a bad mood and not answering any of her questions and pretty much just acting like a total bitch. I apologized for acting so bratty when I left, it's really not like me. She said that I have to work on talking about how I'm feeling more to people, and if I'm angry or sad or something, I should say it. That's going to be a problem for me but whatever. She wants to see me in 3 weeks. 

She doubled my Prozac and put me on sleeping pills, and diagnosed me as a chronic insomniac. I'm not happy about getting on more medicine. I want off everything completely. 

Everyone is trying to get me to go inpatient. I won't though. I can't. 

Good news of the day: I got a job!!! Yay me! It's at a physical therapy place and I'm really happy about it. If I plan on getting my car, which I'm planning on doing very soon, I'm going to need more money. It's just one step closer to freedom. 

Today sucked, but ended good when I got a job. My depression is worsening again and the worst part is that the worse it gets, the less I'm able to talk about it and open up. I know I need help...I'm just not sure if i can be helped at this point. I think I've pushed everyone away from me. I'm sorry. 

Same old crap

Anxious, depressed, suicidal. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's what I feel like. Everyday feels the same. But it still surprises me that I feel bad. It's like..it really shouldn't surprise me when I can't do things because of my anxiety. 

I'm a mess. My therapist is concerned with my sleep, or lack there of. She might put me on something to help me sleep. Its been like 4 weeks of prozac and I feel no change. No better, no worse. Well okay, maybe worse. But not because of the Prozac. I was already spiraling downward when I started it. 

I don't have much else to say right now, it's the same old crap. I feel inadequate and unworthy, and really just pretty horrible. Like I said, lather, rinse, repeat. 

Falling deeper into my depression

Today, I officially am at the point where I was when I was at my lowest. Feel like crap, look like crap, it just doesn't end. I outright told my mom that I wish I was dead before and she yelled at me and said "I don't want to hear it, stop complaining".

I don't know, but it just seems to me like if you see someone crying, you should say what's wrong, instead of "stop feeling sorry for yourself."

It's been two weeks I think since I've started taking Prozac and I feel worse than I did when I started. I know it has nothing to do with it though, because I felt myself spiraling to the place where I am now before I started taking it. 

Almost all of my thoughts are consumed with thinking about if I were dead, or if I weren't here anymore. 
I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just really, really want to. And I think there's a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. 

Last night I was with my best friend and I slept at her house, and I felt okay. I felt safer, more loved even. I don't know how to explain it. Everything just feels more okay when I'm there. Usually, not always. Sometimes all I want is to just be home and in my room by myself. 

Im starting to have to fight back tears all the time. Every time a bad thought crosses my mind I just want to burst into tears, but I can't. My family will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish I could change my life, and along the way help someone change theirs. I want to feel that unconditional love. I don't always want to have to fight for affection and love. It hurts. I don't always want to have to ask someone to talk to me about things. 

Right now, I feel so alone and empty, and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to put on a face and be what everyone else wants me to be, but I'm struggling now. 

And I'm honestly a little bit scared because I'm pretty sure this matches my lowest.  and it doesn't seem like it's about to get easier any time soon. I hope your all doing well. I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying for good days. I will too. Just make good choices and try to live life. 

How do you open up to someone you've never met?

Tomorrow, thanks to my school, I'm going to meet a new therapist. I'm actually really nervous about it. First of all, I have no idea who she is, and it's so hard for me to talk to, or even make eye contact with someone I don't know at all. I want it all to work out, and I want to be able to talk to her and trust her, but I know I cant yet. I get so nervous around new people, and instead of talking about what I want to talk about, I just agree with what the other person is saying. I'm not a good talker. When I first went to see somebody in my school..I didn't talk at all. My friend came with me and told my whole story. I loved that..that way they learn about me, and I don't have to talk. But this time I'm all by myself, and that makes me nervous. 

I am happy to be going though. Hopefully after a few weeks or months or whatever, I'll be able to form a trusting relationship with her. That's only happened one other time with me though. I need to be able to talk to someone though. I want to be able to talk to my friends about how I'm feeling right now. I really feel like I need that. But I just don't want them to think I'm being stupid and causing problems. I don't want to make them go away...but I really need to talk to someone so I don't know what to do. 

Another new thing is that I started taking Prozac. I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I'll probably take it for a month or 2 and then stop. It gives me more anxiety though. Panic attacks are more easily triggered, and I'm more shaky. 

Well, I hope everyone's memorial day weekend was good. I went to the beach with 2 of my best friends..they had to carry me around though because of my leg. I felt bad about that. But it was good for me to get out of the house. And I got a tan which is always a plus. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow..I really hope something good comes from it. 

Don't know what to do

After the day I went to the hospital (which I'm still finding the courage to write about) they made my mom take me to a psychiatrist. 

I didn't want to go at that point..I just wanted my parents to forget about me and just leave the whole situation alone. But she took me and they prescribed me Prozac. This was about 5 or 6 weeks weeks ago, but I still haven't taken it. My mom hasn't given it to me. 

Here's my feeling about it. I don't want to be on medicine for the rest of my life, and I'm scared it's not even going to help me anyway. What if I take it and then come off it and I'm ten times worse than I was. Then I would know what it's like to be happy maybe and then never have it again. I don't want to go on it only to relapse way harder than it is now, which I see happening. 

If that happens, then maybe I'll try to do something dumb and I don't want that either. And there's also  a chance it doesn't help anyway. I know that's all just a chance, but I still don't know if I want to be on medicine. My mom hasn't even given it to me. The only thing I'd want it for is to reduce anxiety, which again, maybe it doesn't even help. 

Another huge reason against it is I do not in any way, shape, or form, want to be like my sister. She takes like a million pills a day and if I have to take something too, doesn't that mean I'm like she is?

I don't want my parents to EVER see me in the same light as her but they do. Sometimes my mom says stuff like "oh your acting just like her" when I don't even know what I did wrong. I hate that so much you don't even know. 

But if I take it, it's just another reason to resent me. Besides, I don't even know for sure if my parents will let me take it. I know they have the prescription already but they made it clear they don't want me on anything. I honestly just want to be better so bad but there's so many things in my way at this point.