The sun just doesn't shine anymore

The sun doesn't shine as bright, the grass isn't as green, food doesn't taste as good, nothing is the same anymore. I'm really in a rut right now and nothing feels good. Nothing is satisfying. 

I feel so alone and unloved through all of this. I hate having to do it on my own. I honestly do wish I was dead at this point. Things at home are getting progressively worse and it's like the more depressed I get, the less tolerant and the angrier my parents get. 

I barely eat anything anymore. Today I had coffee in the morning and then I had dinner way later. I don't even have an appetite anymore. Were going into summer now and it's just downhill from here. I knew it would be like that. 

Today even started off decent. Once I dragged myself out of bed, I had about an hour of peace within me and it felt sort of good. But I don't think it was peace now. I think it was just numb. 
I don't want to do this anymore. Is this going to be my life forever? I honestly feel like no one cares about me at all. I literally just lie on my bed all day, alone and in silence. That's what my life is now. And it sucks. 

I'm sorry for complaining and being dumb. I don't know why I write this all. 

Falling deeper into my depression

Today, I officially am at the point where I was when I was at my lowest. Feel like crap, look like crap, it just doesn't end. I outright told my mom that I wish I was dead before and she yelled at me and said "I don't want to hear it, stop complaining".

I don't know, but it just seems to me like if you see someone crying, you should say what's wrong, instead of "stop feeling sorry for yourself."

It's been two weeks I think since I've started taking Prozac and I feel worse than I did when I started. I know it has nothing to do with it though, because I felt myself spiraling to the place where I am now before I started taking it. 

Almost all of my thoughts are consumed with thinking about if I were dead, or if I weren't here anymore. 
I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just really, really want to. And I think there's a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. 

Last night I was with my best friend and I slept at her house, and I felt okay. I felt safer, more loved even. I don't know how to explain it. Everything just feels more okay when I'm there. Usually, not always. Sometimes all I want is to just be home and in my room by myself. 

Im starting to have to fight back tears all the time. Every time a bad thought crosses my mind I just want to burst into tears, but I can't. My family will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish I could change my life, and along the way help someone change theirs. I want to feel that unconditional love. I don't always want to have to fight for affection and love. It hurts. I don't always want to have to ask someone to talk to me about things. 

Right now, I feel so alone and empty, and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to put on a face and be what everyone else wants me to be, but I'm struggling now. 

And I'm honestly a little bit scared because I'm pretty sure this matches my lowest.  and it doesn't seem like it's about to get easier any time soon. I hope your all doing well. I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying for good days. I will too. Just make good choices and try to live life. 

Too angry for words

Today one of my friends came to visit me. Which was awesome because I hardly ever get to see anyone. I guess my parents had it in their minds that I was up to no good or something, because now me and my parents are in a huge fight. 

My freaking dad thought the only reason my friend came to visit was to bring me drugs. Are you fucking kidding?! That's the one thing I've never fucking done and he's sitting here accusing me of it. You have no idea how mad that makes me. Yeah, I'm a mess in other ways, and I don't always make the absolute smartest choices, but I've never, not once in my life, turned to drugs. I can't even believe he has the nerve to accuse me of that. And it's not even like he did it in a concerned way. He said it soo condescendingly like he knows something he isn't supposed to know about me.

On my way upstairs to my room, I sarcastically asked him if he wanted to go up before me and search my room so I could prove I have NOTHING to hide. 
His response? "I already did". 

He is such an asshole to me and I honestly can't believe he has THAT little trust in me. Because you know what? I'm honestly not a bad kid at all. I'm seriously depressed and have anxiety issues. Not anything worse than that. And I've never done anything to prove that I'm not trustworthy. 

Whatever. This isn't the first time his skepticism has pushed us farther apart. I'm so angry right now I can't even begin to explain it. 

I feel so alone

I met my new therapist today. She was okay I guess. I didn't really talk much..I kind of just answered her questions. I don't like talking to new people. I just want to talk to Andrea and I can't. 

I hate so much that paying somebody is the only way I can talk or get someone to listen to me. I feel like I help so many other people and none of them are there for me in return. All I want is a friend. Just someone to talk to. But that's to much to ask for. 

I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just upset. I feel so alone in all of this and it's hard.I can't fight this by myself anymore. I want to talk to my friends and make them listen to me, I'm just scared it'll push them away. Just for once in my whole life, I wish I could put myself in front of others. Just one time. But I know I can't. That's not how life works. I'm supposed to be there for them. And okay with that. I just wish people could do the same for me. 

I'm not trying to sound bratty or complain or anything, I'm just having a bad time and want someone to talk to about things. It's my own fault though. I guess I get in my way. 

How do you open up to someone you've never met?

Tomorrow, thanks to my school, I'm going to meet a new therapist. I'm actually really nervous about it. First of all, I have no idea who she is, and it's so hard for me to talk to, or even make eye contact with someone I don't know at all. I want it all to work out, and I want to be able to talk to her and trust her, but I know I cant yet. I get so nervous around new people, and instead of talking about what I want to talk about, I just agree with what the other person is saying. I'm not a good talker. When I first went to see somebody in my school..I didn't talk at all. My friend came with me and told my whole story. I loved that..that way they learn about me, and I don't have to talk. But this time I'm all by myself, and that makes me nervous. 

I am happy to be going though. Hopefully after a few weeks or months or whatever, I'll be able to form a trusting relationship with her. That's only happened one other time with me though. I need to be able to talk to someone though. I want to be able to talk to my friends about how I'm feeling right now. I really feel like I need that. But I just don't want them to think I'm being stupid and causing problems. I don't want to make them go away...but I really need to talk to someone so I don't know what to do. 

Another new thing is that I started taking Prozac. I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I'll probably take it for a month or 2 and then stop. It gives me more anxiety though. Panic attacks are more easily triggered, and I'm more shaky. 

Well, I hope everyone's memorial day weekend was good. I went to the beach with 2 of my best friends..they had to carry me around though because of my leg. I felt bad about that. But it was good for me to get out of the house. And I got a tan which is always a plus. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow..I really hope something good comes from it. 

Don't let depression hold you back!

This weekend I went on a road trip with my family to Virginia to drop my brother off at an internship. For some reason, this road trip really opened my eyes. We stayed in such a beautiful area, and I just didn't want to leave. We only stayed for a night, but it just made me realize how much there is out there in the world. 
And it could all be mine. 

There's just so much to do out there. Anything I want. And I want to embrace all of it. If/when I am ever able to overcome all this anxiety and depression, I can do anything. I want to travel, and help other people, and learn new things and take risks and ride the biggest roller coaster in the world and skydive, I just want to do it all. But I can't because I'm stuck trapped inside my own head. 

I have everything holding me back, and yet nothing holding me back at the same time. I want to live such an incredible life and take risks and just live it up! I'm going to be 17 in about a month, and so far there really hasn't been any defining moment in my life, or nothing that stands out, or nothing that even makes me unique. 
The only things that really make me different is all the negative stuff, my sister, all my surgeries, my depression and how I wanted to kill myself, it's just all bad things that make me who I am. And I want to change that. If you read my very first post, it's titled "Who am I?" and I want to answer that question. 

This summer, I don't want to sit home and literally do nothing. At least just one day, I want to do something amazing and exhilarating. I just don't know what that would be yet. 

I have so many fears getting in my way, and I don't want that anymore. I'm done being held back just because I'm scared or my depression is to bad to get out of bed. I don't want to let that happen this summer. I know I'm "only a kid", but I just feel like this is my life now, and this is when I should be living it and having fun. I don't want to be handicapped physically OR mentally anymore! 

I want to be awesome. I want to do things, and set some goals and then achieve them. I know that this is all easier said than done, but I just want to be a different person than who I am now. I'm very deep into my depression right now, and I'm trying so hard to break out of it and live my life. I'm struggling though. 

So here is my question for you. What makes you you? Every one of you, weather you're like me and have depression and anxieties or not, should go out and do something out of the normal. It doesn't have to be dangerous, or life defining or anything like that. It can just be something that makes you feel good, something you feel like you accomplished. 

Maybe working out of depression for someone else's benefit makes it easier to do. So maybe helping someone else is a good place to start. I really don't know. But I'm going to try to break out and do something good with my life. It's really time I started living it. 

I want you to do the same too. I think it's important. I don't know why, I just feel like it's something I have to do. Only thing is, I don't know where to begin! Any suggestions? And I'd love to know what you think about all of this too. 

I just want to start living my life the way it should be lived. No regrets. 

How do you make someone understand your reality?

Today during dinner, I was sitting there quietly eating. All of a sudden, and completely out of the blue, my mom says something like this. She said, "I just have to say this. If you stopped thinking negative thoughts and stopped thinking your life was so bad, you would just feel better". I literally started laughing. Like are you kidding me? My dad chimes in with this comment, "Yeah, like are you even friends with any positive people anymore?"  Come on. My response to this was telling them that they were ignorant, and that they should do some reading. I don't know the exact wording of everything that they said, and how I put it doesn't really do it justice. Basically the point that they were trying to make, was that I have depression BECAUSE I'm upset all the time. Ummm...actually, I'm pretty sure that the reason I'm upset or numb or however you want to put it, is BECAUSE I'm depressed. Not the other way around!

It frustrates me so much that they just can't understand that. They just don't know what it's like to be clinically depressed, and they think it's something that I choose. It really frustrates me and makes me sad.

Is this the reason they don't take me seriously? The reason they won't do anything to help me get better? The reason they ignore me when I don't get out of bed or when I'm crying or just laying on the floor?

Do they think I'm faking if for attention? How do you explain depression to someone who just has no idea? Honestly, what are some things I can say to make them understand, because I hate the fact that this is the reason they don't like me. Because they think it's something I can help.

It hurts so badly that we're on such different pages about this. I'll never be able to get better, not because I don't want to, but because my parents think I cause it myself and I'm really fine.

But really, how do you explain it? I'm numb, alone, empty, almost zombie like, those are some of the words I can think of, but it just doesn't do it justice.

I don't know how to make them check into what my reality is. I don't know how to make them understand. But maybe I can't make them understand, and maybe this is just something I'm forced to face alone and without help.

Is there anything that you find particularly helpful to say in this situation?  Is there even anything that can be said to help them understand me better? It's almost like their so caught up in the stigma surrounding depression that they don't want to believe I actually have it. I don't know really.