Alone

For those of you that don't know, yes, my sister is mentally ill. She has borderline personality disorder, OCD, bipolar, and she is on the autism spectrum as well. She has other things but my mind is blank right now. She sounds like a blast to live with right? My birthday was 2 days ago and it was good. My best friend took me on a trail ride and we went out to lunch and slept over. It was pretty awesome. It was just the two of us, but I wish my other best friend could've gone. I know she helped plan it though so I'm still very thankful to both of them.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. And I feel so bad for them for having to put up with me.  Despite having a great day, I was still upset and so lonely at nighttime. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why no matter what happens I always end up sad and lonely, but I hate it. And I don't want people to think I'm unappreciative or ungrateful, because thats not true at all.  I feel like one of my close friends is starting to get sick of me and doesn't like me anymore. I pushed him away, and I don't think we wants to have anything to do with me. Or maybe I'm reading into it much. Or maybe I'm not and that's really what he thinks. I don't know.  Alone. That's how I feel 24/7, even when I'm with someone. I feel MORE alone when I'm actually with people. My sleeping is starting to get bad again..I'm really not sleeping very much at all. Ugh I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. 

In need of a good day

I think it's safe to say I've been pretty screwed up again lately. I'm always upset and alone. I get in bad moods when I'm with people and they don't understand why. They dont get it. I feel so alone when I'm with people and no one understands that. 

I pushed almost everyone away from me except for one or two people pretty much. 

I don't take my Prozac everyday either. I'm trying to come off it, despite what everyone else is telling 
me. 

My birthday is tomorrow and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad because my brother won't be home but I'm excited because my friends planned something for the day for me but i have no idea what it is. 

Me and my sister have been fighting bad lately. She's been fighting with everyone. Today she tried hitting me but I'm way stronger than she is. She still scares the shit out of me though. In drivers ed today we were talking about mentally ill people. 
Because my sister is, that was a difficult conversation for me. No one will ever be able to understand what it's like to live here with her. I know I shouldn't let what other people say get to me, but I do. 

I am in some serious need of a good day, so hopefully tomorrow on my birthday will be pretty good. I'll let you all know how it goes

Same crap different day

I hate the fact that I'm pushing everyone away. I feel so alone, but half the time I do it to myself. 

I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day, my family and my best friend are coming over. 

I feel like crap, it's nothing new. 17 in 5 more days :/

I'm sorry for pushing you away if I have.....

Busy day

Well today I had a psychiatrist appointment. I did not want to go. I was in a bad mood and not answering any of her questions and pretty much just acting like a total bitch. I apologized for acting so bratty when I left, it's really not like me. She said that I have to work on talking about how I'm feeling more to people, and if I'm angry or sad or something, I should say it. That's going to be a problem for me but whatever. She wants to see me in 3 weeks. 

She doubled my Prozac and put me on sleeping pills, and diagnosed me as a chronic insomniac. I'm not happy about getting on more medicine. I want off everything completely. 

Everyone is trying to get me to go inpatient. I won't though. I can't. 

Good news of the day: I got a job!!! Yay me! It's at a physical therapy place and I'm really happy about it. If I plan on getting my car, which I'm planning on doing very soon, I'm going to need more money. It's just one step closer to freedom. 

Today sucked, but ended good when I got a job. My depression is worsening again and the worst part is that the worse it gets, the less I'm able to talk about it and open up. I know I need help...I'm just not sure if i can be helped at this point. I think I've pushed everyone away from me. I'm sorry. 

Doing bad again

I'm really down lately. My therapist called my doctor and my doctor called my mom and now I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow. I don't know why. It's probably because of my trouble sleeping but I don't know. 

Today I laid I bed all day. I cried and slept. That's how my days are lately. I wish I wasn't such a mess. I want to give up. I don't really want to do this anymore. I'm kind of just over it. I don't even know. 

I guess I was doing a really good job of faking it lately because for some reason everyone thinks I'm randomly better. No...I'm actually doing quite badly. 

I'm ready to sabotage myself with alcohol and other things I know are bad for me. Oh well. Don't you know I'm the queen of bad decisions lately?

I want to do something stupid and reckless just so I know I'm still alive. I want to feel something. 

There really is something wrong with me isn't there. 

Just wow.

The past few days have been especially bad. Today was the worst. I feel alone, misunderstood, and just angry. 

It's 7:00 and I'm in bed. And tomorrow I'll probably stay in bed all day. I made the decision that I'm not going to eat anymore. Let's see how long it takes my parents to notice. Or anyone for that matter. 

My birthday is in 11 days and I'm going to be totally alone for it. Just like last year. My one friend is going to probably come see me but I don't know. That's probably not even a good idea. I remember last year on my birthday I cried the whole day because my family completely ignored me. They worked. I stayed in bed. I feel like it's going to be the same exact thing this year. I don't even want to turn 17. 

I cut tonight. I don't care anymore. I keep pushing away everyone in my life and no one pushes back. No one cares. I'm just another grain of sand at the beach. Just another leaf on a tree. I'm nothing special. I'm nothing to anybody. 

I really have nothing else to say. I'm fed up with this life. And no one else seems to see it. 

God...what is wrong with me???

Uncomfortable being happy

Ready for an epiphany? Being depressed is safe for me. It's normal. I know how to be depressed. I know what to expect, and I know what to think. Being happy is something foreign to me. It's unnatural and uncomfortable. When I have good days, instead of enjoying them, I'm worrying about the fact that I know it won't last. 

That's why I've been self sabotaging myself lately. I have to stay safe, I have to stay with what I know. I can't be happy simply because I don't know how to be. And because I know it won't last. 

Today I had a really bad day. And in some sick way, it felt good. Because that's what I know. That's what's safe to me. Is that horrible? Is that normal?

It's not like I dont want to get better. I do. I guess I'm just scared of things. Is this a common thing, or am I just weird?