In trouble yet again. Apparently one of my friends told my stupid school that I was cutting and where. They had to bring me down to the nurse and she had to check me but I refused to let her. My parents were so mad at me.
They're making me go back there today. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm literally screwed. Nothing can ever go right for me. And it's not even like I'm looking for attention or doing this to myself because I'm just trying to drop all of this.
I met a new therapist yesterday. She seemed okay I guess.
Wish me luck for today. I'm really scared for what will happen again.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
A visit from CPS.
So CPS was at my house today. They wanted to take me out of my house. My parents suck. So does my life. I'm just a little stressed as you can imagine.
I was doing so well. I didn't eat for almost 3 days and today I fucking ate so much and I feel horrible and want to get rid of it. I've never done that before and I hate that I want to. I hate everything about myself. I seriously cannot fucking stand me.
My chest is all cut up, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't breathe. I can't function. And I sure as hell can't talk to anyone about it now because I just keep getting myself into deeper and deeper shit.
Have I mentioned I hate my life?
Sorry for bitching. I guess I'll go now.
I was doing so well. I didn't eat for almost 3 days and today I fucking ate so much and I feel horrible and want to get rid of it. I've never done that before and I hate that I want to. I hate everything about myself. I seriously cannot fucking stand me.
My chest is all cut up, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't breathe. I can't function. And I sure as hell can't talk to anyone about it now because I just keep getting myself into deeper and deeper shit.
Have I mentioned I hate my life?
Sorry for bitching. I guess I'll go now.
Monday, October 24, 2011
So here's what happened...
So here's what happened. My school found out about me and my friends plans to try to kill ourselves or hurt ourselves. They sent us both to the hospital, and my dad had to come to the school and everything. It was a HUGE mess.
My dad acted like this angel in front of my guidance counselor and it's so frustrating because I know how much of a fake act it is. I hate it.
As soon as we got in the car my dad started yelling at me really bad saying how much trouble I'm going to be in. I didn't know being suicidal was something to be punished for. Guess I was wrong. When I got home my mom was already home. She said "get your stuff, were leaving now" before I even got in the door.
A little while later we left...that was an even bigger disaster. My mom was yelling at me sooooo bad in the car saying how I'm not going to get into college and how I might as well just drop out of high school. She kept saying how everything bad that happens is my fault and I'm just acting this way for attention. She was yelling at me and making me feel like complete shit for about an hour and a half. I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. I had about 3 huge anxiety attacks. As you can imagine...I'm pretty exhausted now.
Every time I tried to say sorry to my mom she just screamed "shut up" to me. She told me not to call her mom. She's not my mom anymore. She also said how much she hates me. I can't even remember what else she said.
We didn't even make it to the hospital. She just turned around and went back home and then left my house for about 3 hours. She hates me.
Fuck. Right now my parents are talking about how much they hate each other and how much my mom hates us. My mom just said that my dad doesn't care about us at all. And she has nothing to hold on to. She just left again. I broke my family.
Anyway, back to the story I guess.
My mom told me I am no longer allowed to talk to anyone. Can't talk to my guidance counselor, my friends, a therapist, anyone. She said if ANYONE calls her again about me I'll be in serious trouble. So I guess I am back to being a withdrawn, awkward quiet loser of a kid. Maybe I shouldn't even write anymore. It's basically the same as talking. I mean if you're reading it, I might as well be talking. Only difference here is that most of you can't put the face with the name. So maybe it is okay. Who the hell knows.
When my mom got home and after I got out of the shower...I was in my room cleaning and I heard my mom start crying and saying how much she hates me and her life. I can't even begin to tell you bad badly I needed to cut after that. After everything.
I wish I was dead so I didn't have to hurt so much and hurt everyone around me. I always thought it was a serious impossibility for things to get worse. I always seem to be wrong about that.
Anyway, long story short I guess, we never made it to the hospital. I got verbally bashed and abused in the car for quite a while. Then my mom left, started crying and blaming me for everything, and left again. Now I'm sitting in my room unable to fall asleep and starving because I haven't eaten anything since yesterday. I'm more stressed and depressed than ever.
Good thing I have such great parents.
Ya know, everyone told me I would gain respect by asking for help and to go into a hospital. My dad told me he lost respect for me for asking. Guess I was right all along.
My dad acted like this angel in front of my guidance counselor and it's so frustrating because I know how much of a fake act it is. I hate it.
As soon as we got in the car my dad started yelling at me really bad saying how much trouble I'm going to be in. I didn't know being suicidal was something to be punished for. Guess I was wrong. When I got home my mom was already home. She said "get your stuff, were leaving now" before I even got in the door.
A little while later we left...that was an even bigger disaster. My mom was yelling at me sooooo bad in the car saying how I'm not going to get into college and how I might as well just drop out of high school. She kept saying how everything bad that happens is my fault and I'm just acting this way for attention. She was yelling at me and making me feel like complete shit for about an hour and a half. I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. I had about 3 huge anxiety attacks. As you can imagine...I'm pretty exhausted now.
Every time I tried to say sorry to my mom she just screamed "shut up" to me. She told me not to call her mom. She's not my mom anymore. She also said how much she hates me. I can't even remember what else she said.
We didn't even make it to the hospital. She just turned around and went back home and then left my house for about 3 hours. She hates me.
Fuck. Right now my parents are talking about how much they hate each other and how much my mom hates us. My mom just said that my dad doesn't care about us at all. And she has nothing to hold on to. She just left again. I broke my family.
Anyway, back to the story I guess.
My mom told me I am no longer allowed to talk to anyone. Can't talk to my guidance counselor, my friends, a therapist, anyone. She said if ANYONE calls her again about me I'll be in serious trouble. So I guess I am back to being a withdrawn, awkward quiet loser of a kid. Maybe I shouldn't even write anymore. It's basically the same as talking. I mean if you're reading it, I might as well be talking. Only difference here is that most of you can't put the face with the name. So maybe it is okay. Who the hell knows.
When my mom got home and after I got out of the shower...I was in my room cleaning and I heard my mom start crying and saying how much she hates me and her life. I can't even begin to tell you bad badly I needed to cut after that. After everything.
I wish I was dead so I didn't have to hurt so much and hurt everyone around me. I always thought it was a serious impossibility for things to get worse. I always seem to be wrong about that.
Anyway, long story short I guess, we never made it to the hospital. I got verbally bashed and abused in the car for quite a while. Then my mom left, started crying and blaming me for everything, and left again. Now I'm sitting in my room unable to fall asleep and starving because I haven't eaten anything since yesterday. I'm more stressed and depressed than ever.
Good thing I have such great parents.
Ya know, everyone told me I would gain respect by asking for help and to go into a hospital. My dad told me he lost respect for me for asking. Guess I was right all along.
Depression is like cancer
Depression is like cancer. Gone untreated, it will get worse and worse. The person with the cancer knows there is something wrong. They can feel it. They don't feel good. But it might not be visible to the outside world.
Cancer gone untreated is fatal.
So is depression.
The difference is that there is no stigma attached to cancer. But because depression and other anxiety disorders are called "mental illnesses" they are looked down upon. It's considered a weakness. Or even worse, it's considered something the person can control. A choice even.
All of these things want to make myself and other people in my same position want to stay in hiding. Sometimes its just not worth it to ask for help. Sometimes people just won't listen.
Cancer gone untreated is fatal.
So is depression.
The difference is that there is no stigma attached to cancer. But because depression and other anxiety disorders are called "mental illnesses" they are looked down upon. It's considered a weakness. Or even worse, it's considered something the person can control. A choice even.
All of these things want to make myself and other people in my same position want to stay in hiding. Sometimes its just not worth it to ask for help. Sometimes people just won't listen.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
You don't know how I feel
According to my school, I'm a binge alcoholic. I disagree. I just like to drink like everyone else. Im craving alcohol now though. I like being numb and not having to feel anything.
Numbness is better than pain. I'm hurting so bad and no one understand that. Its so frustrating. I can't take all of the judging and criticizing and everything else.
On a scale of 1-10, my depression is about a 13. How I'm still alive, I have no idea. I plan on drinking a lot on Halloween and probably doing some other dumb stuff. Maybe then people will listen to me and take me seriously.
It's like my problems only exist when it's convenient for someone else. Frustrating right? If any of you know what I'm trying to say, you know first hand how upsetting it is.
I guess you just can't make people feel what you feel.
Numbness is better than pain. I'm hurting so bad and no one understand that. Its so frustrating. I can't take all of the judging and criticizing and everything else.
On a scale of 1-10, my depression is about a 13. How I'm still alive, I have no idea. I plan on drinking a lot on Halloween and probably doing some other dumb stuff. Maybe then people will listen to me and take me seriously.
It's like my problems only exist when it's convenient for someone else. Frustrating right? If any of you know what I'm trying to say, you know first hand how upsetting it is.
I guess you just can't make people feel what you feel.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I just want to disappear
So today I spent a good 2 and a half hours in my guidance counselors office. She called my mom. Again. I'm supposed to talk to my mom about going into a hospital on November 1st but I'm really scared.
My mom is not happy with me. She hates that the school keeps calling her. I'm so afraid to tell my parents that I want to go inpatient. I'm scared they'll judge me or criticize me or just not trust me. I hate this. I wish so bad that it could just be okay for me to want to go inpatient to get better. It sucks. A lot.
I'm scared to fall behind in school and get judged and have my parents lose trust for me but I just want to get better. I need a break. I need to get away from my house and just I need time to heal. But it's not going to be okay with my parents.
That's why I'm so scared to talk to them.
I actually talked to my parents before. They said no, I'm not bad enough to go into a hospital. Funny how they think that. I didn't know that cutting and being suicidal doesn't qualify as being bad enough.
No one takes me seriously and no one cares. That's how I feel. I want to be alone so I don't hurt anyone when I die. I dont want friends, I just want to disappear.
My mom is not happy with me. She hates that the school keeps calling her. I'm so afraid to tell my parents that I want to go inpatient. I'm scared they'll judge me or criticize me or just not trust me. I hate this. I wish so bad that it could just be okay for me to want to go inpatient to get better. It sucks. A lot.
I'm scared to fall behind in school and get judged and have my parents lose trust for me but I just want to get better. I need a break. I need to get away from my house and just I need time to heal. But it's not going to be okay with my parents.
That's why I'm so scared to talk to them.
I actually talked to my parents before. They said no, I'm not bad enough to go into a hospital. Funny how they think that. I didn't know that cutting and being suicidal doesn't qualify as being bad enough.
No one takes me seriously and no one cares. That's how I feel. I want to be alone so I don't hurt anyone when I die. I dont want friends, I just want to disappear.
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