So since school is over, me and my friends made plans for this Monday. My main group of friends consists of my two best friends (girls) and two other guys. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend. I know I haven't talked about him much, but I will soon.
Anyway, the plan for Monday so far is to go over my ex's house and drink. Drink a lottt. At least for me. At this point, I just want to numb myself and forget about everything. I don't really care about what happens to me anymore, I just need a night like this. Were probably going to end up sleeping at my exboyfriends house. I've been pretty good about not saying any names of people in my life on here, so I'm going to stick to that. Let's call my ex Carl, just so things flow better.
Anyway, me and Carl first started going out January 2nd 2010. Things were great at first. I felt loved and I felt safe with him. After about 7 months, things started to change. He was talking to me less, getting more distant, and everything just felt off. So I decided, after 7 months of waiting, to have sex with him. I was a virgin up until that point, and it was like 2 weeks after I turned 16. That's such a huge regret for me. It's still one of my biggest regrets in life. It tore me up inside for months. I don't remember if I was suicidal or not before that, but right around that time was when I first started feeling really suicidal.
I did it because I thought it would make him love me more, and I thought it would make us closer. Wow, how dumb that was.
Guess what. It didn't change anything. Right after we did it, I looked at him and I said "just don't break my heart, okay?"
In November, I broke up with him. He barely talked to me at that point, and it just hurt more and more everyday. I thought we were going to get back together in maybe a month or two. Well, about a week after we broke up, I found out he cheated on me. I thought it was a lie at first, I thought he would never do that to me. It didn't seem like him. When I confronted him about it in school the next day, he told me what happened. As if it wasn't bad enough that he cheated on me, here's the killer part. It happened right at the beginning of august. Two weeks after we had sex. Two weeks after I lost my virginity to him. Two weeks after he promised he'd never hurt me. Two weeks. Fourteen days. That was the first time I cried in school. I want to say thank you to my two best friends now. If not for them, I don't think I would've made it through that time without some major struggle.
Well now, after everything that's gone on, I want to get back together with him. I don't even know why. I've been pushing him away for months, and now suddenly I want to get back together. Honestly, I think the only reason why is because I'm just so desperate to feel loved. To have any sort of positive attention. To be accepted. That's all I want.
Since were probably sleeping over his house Monday, I know I'm going to be pressured for sex. Again. And I don't want to do it. I hate it because of how horrible I feel afterwards. But honestly, I'm probably going to let myself be pressured into it, because I'm so freaking desperate for someone to care about me and for love.
I'm seriously in so much pain lately. I want it all to stop. I want to be normal and happy. I need to be better. I know I shouldn't drink. I know it's only going to lead to bad things, but I don't even care at this point. I'll let you know how Monday goes.
Please don't judge me for any of this, I've never admitted this to anyone.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I don't want to quit yet
This is how I feel
Inadequate. Unworthy. Alone. Unloved. I feel horrible. I don't know why I bother to do this anymore. I feel like I just get in the way of other people, and I literally just feels like shit. Every time I talk about this with people it just pushes them away. So I don't talk to anyone, and then I feel more alone.
I feel like every single night I'm getting closer and closer to doing something dumb. Scary thought.
Last night I almost did go and do something. I didn't though. I'm in the phase now where I'm sleeping a lot, and I'm so happy about that. I honestly don't know why I'm so messed up lately..
Therapy went okay yesterday. I hope I can have a good relationship with her. I think it would help me.
People say that everyone, or at least most people feel this way at some point. I'm sorry...I just don't buy that. Yeah, I'm sure people feel upset and go through some rough patches, but certainly not everyone feels like this. If they did there would be a hell of a lot more suicide in the world. I really believe that. Not everybody feels like this and I hate being generalized like that.
Yesterday my therapist asked me why it is I'm still here, why I haven't killed myself. I honestly have no idea why I'm still here. I guess I've overcome some crazy stuff already in my life. Ive always been a fighter. I'm so close to giving up, and I don't want to. A part of me still wants to fight, but another part just has no hope things will ever get better and wants to quit and stop fighting.
I said I was going to put up a list of songs and books and movies, and I will probably tomorrow. Hope everybody keeps their head up and never stops fighting. I'm trying too.
Inadequate. Unworthy. Alone. Unloved. I feel horrible. I don't know why I bother to do this anymore. I feel like I just get in the way of other people, and I literally just feels like shit. Every time I talk about this with people it just pushes them away. So I don't talk to anyone, and then I feel more alone.
I feel like every single night I'm getting closer and closer to doing something dumb. Scary thought.
Last night I almost did go and do something. I didn't though. I'm in the phase now where I'm sleeping a lot, and I'm so happy about that. I honestly don't know why I'm so messed up lately..
Therapy went okay yesterday. I hope I can have a good relationship with her. I think it would help me.
People say that everyone, or at least most people feel this way at some point. I'm sorry...I just don't buy that. Yeah, I'm sure people feel upset and go through some rough patches, but certainly not everyone feels like this. If they did there would be a hell of a lot more suicide in the world. I really believe that. Not everybody feels like this and I hate being generalized like that.
Yesterday my therapist asked me why it is I'm still here, why I haven't killed myself. I honestly have no idea why I'm still here. I guess I've overcome some crazy stuff already in my life. Ive always been a fighter. I'm so close to giving up, and I don't want to. A part of me still wants to fight, but another part just has no hope things will ever get better and wants to quit and stop fighting.
I said I was going to put up a list of songs and books and movies, and I will probably tomorrow. Hope everybody keeps their head up and never stops fighting. I'm trying too.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
What a crazy week
Wow, it's really been a crazy few days. All of the craziness has surrounded the many fights me and my parents have gotten into.
Ever since Sunday, we've been fighting nonstop. Were all just on such different pages on how I "should" be acting, and what I should be doing, and they just for the life of them can't imagine what depression is like for me, or how I feel.
One of the arguments me and my mom got into was basically her saying how I ruined her life and how she wishes I wasn't here. Well, I told her I also wish that and maybe one day she'd get get wish. One of the things that she said was how "I have no idea what I do to her life".
This is what I said to her. I said, "mom, honestly, do you ever think about me? About what it must be like to be me and go through this much pain every single day? Do you ever think about how hard my life is and how much I'm hurting?" Her response to that was just no.
This is just something their never going to understand. The day before yesterday we got into another huge fight, and I got kicked out pretty much. My mom told me to go live somewhere else, and so I left. When I went home later that night, she looked at me and asked me why I was home. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said that she doesn't care what I do anymore.
The fights we've been getting into have been so insignificant. I always try to look at everything from their prospective, and see what it is that I did wrong or what I could've done different. But this time, I honestly did not do anything wrong. Basically, one of my homeschooling teachers was being horrible to me and screaming at me instead of teaching me, so I got really upset and at the end I just walked upstairs and didn't say bye or anything. I just left. After that my mom started screaming at me and yelling at me like I did something wrong, instead of standing up for me. A parent is supposed to stand up for their kids no matter what, and not let other people scream at me and make me visibly upset in my own house. So she took away my phone and my iPod, and then pushed me down when I was asking if I could at least turn off my phone. My math teacher later called me to apologize for how she was acting towards me. My mom hasn't apologized, and still hates me.
I'm not going to lie to you. This whole two weeks especially, have been horrible. I lay in bed all day everyday thinking about how I'm eventually going to kill myself. I mean, if I'm so miserable here, and I have no point at all, then theres no reason for me to stay, right?
Some people say suicide is selfish, but honestly, sometimes I think the selfish thing is staying here so other people have to deal with me and my problems.
I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Make everyone forget about me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this depressed and miserable and upset all the time. It isn't something that I chose, which is what my parents think.
Another really negative thing happening lately is how I'm just never going to be good enough for my parents. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them or meet their expectations. I do my very best at everything, and no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, it's just never good enough. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to feel accepted by them and I want them to love me.
I want anyone to love me. Sometimes I feel like that's the magic solution to all of this. Like being loved or having someone care about me will make this all go away. But it doesn't work that way, does it. No matter how much someone says they care about me, I'm always going to think they don't mean it. I'm always going to think I'm not good enough or eventually they'll leave me like everyone else.
Right now, all I want is to drink and forget about everything. I hate that I always feel like I want to turn to that, but I do.
The next post I do is going to be a list of books, movies, and songs that help me get through all of this and feel less alone.
Well, the good news is that it's starting to get really nice out. I can't wait until I can walk again, and maybe have some fun.
Ever since Sunday, we've been fighting nonstop. Were all just on such different pages on how I "should" be acting, and what I should be doing, and they just for the life of them can't imagine what depression is like for me, or how I feel.
One of the arguments me and my mom got into was basically her saying how I ruined her life and how she wishes I wasn't here. Well, I told her I also wish that and maybe one day she'd get get wish. One of the things that she said was how "I have no idea what I do to her life".
This is what I said to her. I said, "mom, honestly, do you ever think about me? About what it must be like to be me and go through this much pain every single day? Do you ever think about how hard my life is and how much I'm hurting?" Her response to that was just no.
This is just something their never going to understand. The day before yesterday we got into another huge fight, and I got kicked out pretty much. My mom told me to go live somewhere else, and so I left. When I went home later that night, she looked at me and asked me why I was home. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said that she doesn't care what I do anymore.
The fights we've been getting into have been so insignificant. I always try to look at everything from their prospective, and see what it is that I did wrong or what I could've done different. But this time, I honestly did not do anything wrong. Basically, one of my homeschooling teachers was being horrible to me and screaming at me instead of teaching me, so I got really upset and at the end I just walked upstairs and didn't say bye or anything. I just left. After that my mom started screaming at me and yelling at me like I did something wrong, instead of standing up for me. A parent is supposed to stand up for their kids no matter what, and not let other people scream at me and make me visibly upset in my own house. So she took away my phone and my iPod, and then pushed me down when I was asking if I could at least turn off my phone. My math teacher later called me to apologize for how she was acting towards me. My mom hasn't apologized, and still hates me.
I'm not going to lie to you. This whole two weeks especially, have been horrible. I lay in bed all day everyday thinking about how I'm eventually going to kill myself. I mean, if I'm so miserable here, and I have no point at all, then theres no reason for me to stay, right?
Some people say suicide is selfish, but honestly, sometimes I think the selfish thing is staying here so other people have to deal with me and my problems.
I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Make everyone forget about me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this depressed and miserable and upset all the time. It isn't something that I chose, which is what my parents think.
Another really negative thing happening lately is how I'm just never going to be good enough for my parents. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them or meet their expectations. I do my very best at everything, and no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, it's just never good enough. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to feel accepted by them and I want them to love me.
I want anyone to love me. Sometimes I feel like that's the magic solution to all of this. Like being loved or having someone care about me will make this all go away. But it doesn't work that way, does it. No matter how much someone says they care about me, I'm always going to think they don't mean it. I'm always going to think I'm not good enough or eventually they'll leave me like everyone else.
Right now, all I want is to drink and forget about everything. I hate that I always feel like I want to turn to that, but I do.
The next post I do is going to be a list of books, movies, and songs that help me get through all of this and feel less alone.
Well, the good news is that it's starting to get really nice out. I can't wait until I can walk again, and maybe have some fun.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The sun just doesn't shine anymore
The sun doesn't shine as bright, the grass isn't as green, food doesn't taste as good, nothing is the same anymore. I'm really in a rut right now and nothing feels good. Nothing is satisfying.
I feel so alone and unloved through all of this. I hate having to do it on my own. I honestly do wish I was dead at this point. Things at home are getting progressively worse and it's like the more depressed I get, the less tolerant and the angrier my parents get.
I barely eat anything anymore. Today I had coffee in the morning and then I had dinner way later. I don't even have an appetite anymore. Were going into summer now and it's just downhill from here. I knew it would be like that.
Today even started off decent. Once I dragged myself out of bed, I had about an hour of peace within me and it felt sort of good. But I don't think it was peace now. I think it was just numb.
I don't want to do this anymore. Is this going to be my life forever? I honestly feel like no one cares about me at all. I literally just lie on my bed all day, alone and in silence. That's what my life is now. And it sucks.
I'm sorry for complaining and being dumb. I don't know why I write this all.
I feel so alone and unloved through all of this. I hate having to do it on my own. I honestly do wish I was dead at this point. Things at home are getting progressively worse and it's like the more depressed I get, the less tolerant and the angrier my parents get.
I barely eat anything anymore. Today I had coffee in the morning and then I had dinner way later. I don't even have an appetite anymore. Were going into summer now and it's just downhill from here. I knew it would be like that.
Today even started off decent. Once I dragged myself out of bed, I had about an hour of peace within me and it felt sort of good. But I don't think it was peace now. I think it was just numb.
I don't want to do this anymore. Is this going to be my life forever? I honestly feel like no one cares about me at all. I literally just lie on my bed all day, alone and in silence. That's what my life is now. And it sucks.
I'm sorry for complaining and being dumb. I don't know why I write this all.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Falling deeper into my depression
Today, I officially am at the point where I was when I was at my lowest. Feel like crap, look like crap, it just doesn't end. I outright told my mom that I wish I was dead before and she yelled at me and said "I don't want to hear it, stop complaining".
I don't know, but it just seems to me like if you see someone crying, you should say what's wrong, instead of "stop feeling sorry for yourself."
It's been two weeks I think since I've started taking Prozac and I feel worse than I did when I started. I know it has nothing to do with it though, because I felt myself spiraling to the place where I am now before I started taking it.
Almost all of my thoughts are consumed with thinking about if I were dead, or if I weren't here anymore.
I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just really, really want to. And I think there's a difference between wanting to and actually doing it.
Last night I was with my best friend and I slept at her house, and I felt okay. I felt safer, more loved even. I don't know how to explain it. Everything just feels more okay when I'm there. Usually, not always. Sometimes all I want is to just be home and in my room by myself.
Im starting to have to fight back tears all the time. Every time a bad thought crosses my mind I just want to burst into tears, but I can't. My family will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish I could change my life, and along the way help someone change theirs. I want to feel that unconditional love. I don't always want to have to fight for affection and love. It hurts. I don't always want to have to ask someone to talk to me about things.
Right now, I feel so alone and empty, and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to put on a face and be what everyone else wants me to be, but I'm struggling now.
And I'm honestly a little bit scared because I'm pretty sure this matches my lowest. and it doesn't seem like it's about to get easier any time soon. I hope your all doing well. I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying for good days. I will too. Just make good choices and try to live life.
I don't know, but it just seems to me like if you see someone crying, you should say what's wrong, instead of "stop feeling sorry for yourself."
It's been two weeks I think since I've started taking Prozac and I feel worse than I did when I started. I know it has nothing to do with it though, because I felt myself spiraling to the place where I am now before I started taking it.
Almost all of my thoughts are consumed with thinking about if I were dead, or if I weren't here anymore.
I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just really, really want to. And I think there's a difference between wanting to and actually doing it.
Last night I was with my best friend and I slept at her house, and I felt okay. I felt safer, more loved even. I don't know how to explain it. Everything just feels more okay when I'm there. Usually, not always. Sometimes all I want is to just be home and in my room by myself.
Im starting to have to fight back tears all the time. Every time a bad thought crosses my mind I just want to burst into tears, but I can't. My family will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish I could change my life, and along the way help someone change theirs. I want to feel that unconditional love. I don't always want to have to fight for affection and love. It hurts. I don't always want to have to ask someone to talk to me about things.
Right now, I feel so alone and empty, and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to put on a face and be what everyone else wants me to be, but I'm struggling now.
And I'm honestly a little bit scared because I'm pretty sure this matches my lowest. and it doesn't seem like it's about to get easier any time soon. I hope your all doing well. I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying for good days. I will too. Just make good choices and try to live life.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Too angry for words
Today one of my friends came to visit me. Which was awesome because I hardly ever get to see anyone. I guess my parents had it in their minds that I was up to no good or something, because now me and my parents are in a huge fight.
My freaking dad thought the only reason my friend came to visit was to bring me drugs. Are you fucking kidding?! That's the one thing I've never fucking done and he's sitting here accusing me of it. You have no idea how mad that makes me. Yeah, I'm a mess in other ways, and I don't always make the absolute smartest choices, but I've never, not once in my life, turned to drugs. I can't even believe he has the nerve to accuse me of that. And it's not even like he did it in a concerned way. He said it soo condescendingly like he knows something he isn't supposed to know about me.
On my way upstairs to my room, I sarcastically asked him if he wanted to go up before me and search my room so I could prove I have NOTHING to hide.
His response? "I already did".
He is such an asshole to me and I honestly can't believe he has THAT little trust in me. Because you know what? I'm honestly not a bad kid at all. I'm seriously depressed and have anxiety issues. Not anything worse than that. And I've never done anything to prove that I'm not trustworthy.
Whatever. This isn't the first time his skepticism has pushed us farther apart. I'm so angry right now I can't even begin to explain it.
My freaking dad thought the only reason my friend came to visit was to bring me drugs. Are you fucking kidding?! That's the one thing I've never fucking done and he's sitting here accusing me of it. You have no idea how mad that makes me. Yeah, I'm a mess in other ways, and I don't always make the absolute smartest choices, but I've never, not once in my life, turned to drugs. I can't even believe he has the nerve to accuse me of that. And it's not even like he did it in a concerned way. He said it soo condescendingly like he knows something he isn't supposed to know about me.
On my way upstairs to my room, I sarcastically asked him if he wanted to go up before me and search my room so I could prove I have NOTHING to hide.
His response? "I already did".
He is such an asshole to me and I honestly can't believe he has THAT little trust in me. Because you know what? I'm honestly not a bad kid at all. I'm seriously depressed and have anxiety issues. Not anything worse than that. And I've never done anything to prove that I'm not trustworthy.
Whatever. This isn't the first time his skepticism has pushed us farther apart. I'm so angry right now I can't even begin to explain it.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I feel so alone
I met my new therapist today. She was okay I guess. I didn't really talk much..I kind of just answered her questions. I don't like talking to new people. I just want to talk to Andrea and I can't.
I hate so much that paying somebody is the only way I can talk or get someone to listen to me. I feel like I help so many other people and none of them are there for me in return. All I want is a friend. Just someone to talk to. But that's to much to ask for.
I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just upset. I feel so alone in all of this and it's hard.I can't fight this by myself anymore. I want to talk to my friends and make them listen to me, I'm just scared it'll push them away. Just for once in my whole life, I wish I could put myself in front of others. Just one time. But I know I can't. That's not how life works. I'm supposed to be there for them. And okay with that. I just wish people could do the same for me.
I'm not trying to sound bratty or complain or anything, I'm just having a bad time and want someone to talk to about things. It's my own fault though. I guess I get in my way.
I hate so much that paying somebody is the only way I can talk or get someone to listen to me. I feel like I help so many other people and none of them are there for me in return. All I want is a friend. Just someone to talk to. But that's to much to ask for.
I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just upset. I feel so alone in all of this and it's hard.I can't fight this by myself anymore. I want to talk to my friends and make them listen to me, I'm just scared it'll push them away. Just for once in my whole life, I wish I could put myself in front of others. Just one time. But I know I can't. That's not how life works. I'm supposed to be there for them. And okay with that. I just wish people could do the same for me.
I'm not trying to sound bratty or complain or anything, I'm just having a bad time and want someone to talk to about things. It's my own fault though. I guess I get in my way.
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