Nothing to fight for

When did everything get so messed up? Man, I don't know. All I know is I am one big fat mess right now. My head must not be on straight or something. My family life is increasingly more dysfunctional every day, no matter how many sleeping pills I take I can't sleep, and my anxiety seems like it's at an all time high. 

Ever heard of a psychiatric service dog? I don't feel like explaining, so look it up if you haven't. Basically, they perform tasks specific to my needs to help with depression and anxiety. I literally did all the work for it, including picking the breeder and puppy, and all I have left to do is click the "adopt" button. 

The one and only thing standing in my way is the assholes I call parents. My mom would've said yes. My dad however, said no. I told him I was going to do it anyway and there is no way he can stop me. He told me if I get her I wont be allowed home. It's not a pet. Its a service dog. I guess my parents don't want me to get better after all. 

So basically here's my choices. 
1- go ahead and get my dog, and find another place to live. But who the hell is gonna want me?
2- don't get better and don't get this help and probably kill myself before summers over. 
 

No one cares if I fail or succeed. So what do I do? Do I get her anyway and move one step closer to happiness? Or do I let my parents control me yet again? I'm 17 and it's time to start living my life the way it was intended to live. I'm sick of all this bullshit that is people telling me I can't get better because of one reason or another. 

I'm not on speaking terms with my parents. I'm not getting out of bed for a very, very long time. Please help me decide what to do. 

Going down fast

I'm officially matched with the lowest I've ever been. Last night I went out with my friends and got trashed. I was so drunk I don't even remember drinking that much. I was trying to walk to the train tracks but someone stopped me unfortunately. 

I can't believe how bad I'm doing. I need someone. I can't do this anymore. I'm like one second away from killing myself I just can't do this. I don't even know what my problem is. Ugh I'm sorry for being like this. I'm gonna attempt to sleep. Not that I'm actually going to be able to. Whatever. I don't give a crap anymore. 

Getting to that low point

I'm having a really crappy day. I had a pretty good day yesterday because I was surrounded with good people and a lot of food. I ate way to much, but it was a fun time. 

I'm pretty much going nocturnal again. Exhausted all day, but can't sleep at night. Haven't taken Prozac or sleeping pills in a long time. Why I do this to myself? I don't know. So yeah, it's safe to say I'm suicidal again. I'm not going to do anything yet though.  

Plan on not eating anything for 2 days. Like I said, ate way to much this weekend. I also plan on drinking a lot soon. I need alcohol in me. I'm going to be doing a lot of stupid and reckless things lately. Oh well. 

Not much else to say tonight. If anyone has any books to recommend me that would be greatly appreciated. I just finished reading Aimee by Mary Beth Miller and it was crazy good. So if anyone has any books where the main character is depressed or dealing with something like that or suicide please recommend. I need more books. I clearly have nothing better to do with my life at this point. I need something relatable. 

Easily replaceable

Part of my problem is that I am not confident about myself at all. I hate myself, so I think other people hate me too. For instance, if my friends start hanging out with other people a lot, I get insanely jealous. I feel like I'm being replaced, or that I'm no longer needed as a friend. I know it doesn't make sense, and I know it's not rational, but it's how I feel. 

I'm always jealous of other people's happiness. I always think that I'm going to be replaced by someone because I'm really nothing special. 

Last night I hung out with my boyfriend who I haven't seen in like a month because he's been away. He was mad at me because I was so quiet and shy. He hates it. But I can't help it, that's how I am. 

I was sitting in his car and he was driving and I started crying. I don't know why, but I just got overwhelmingly upset. He didn't notice. I guess I'm a pro at hiding things like that too. 

I think my therapist hates me. Whenever I go to her I barely talk at all. It's not that I don't want to...I just can't. I don't have the words. I pretty much just say "I don't know" to everything she asks. I miss Andrea, the other person I used to talk to at school. 

Help

I'm so screwed up right now. I need help. I need someone to care. 

Yesterday I was on the phone with my best friend. My sister started yelling at me for literally no reason at all, so I told her to leave me alone. She went upstairs, then came back down. She showed me her arm, which was COVERED in blood, and said "you're the reason I do this, you ruined my life". 

I threatened I call the cops on her. 

That's what I have to live with on a daily basis. I can't be here anymore. My boyfriend is fighting with me all the time, he takes everything so personally. He doesn't understand that I'm ridiculously screwed up at the moment. 

I need so bad to be able to talk to someone openly about everything that's going on in my head. I wish I could tell someone how bad I'm doing, and I wish someone would ask how I was and genuinely mean it. 

Ugh I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so angry today and I feel like I keep lashing out at people. 

Help :/

Why?

Why do I have depression?

Why do I have social anxiety disorder?

Why do I go for days at a time without eating or sleeping?

Why can't I be satisfied with what I see in the mirror?

Why can't I believe that people actually care about me? 

Why can't I get better?

Why do I self sabotage?

Why do I always push people away when all I want is to be close to people and have them care?

Why do I hurt myself and so many people in the process. 

Why can't I just be normal. 

These are the things that I think about all the time. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I'm sorry if I screwed up. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. 
I feel like I've screwed up so much lately and I just keep hurting people. I feel horrible. 

I'm so mentally and physically drained. Today I plan on sleeping all day, or at least laying in bed like a bum all day. I'm probably just going to ignore everyone. Every time I open my mouth I just end up hurting someone unintentionally. So I'm sorry to everyone that's happened to lately. 

Why do I care

Here's something I bet you all didn't know - I am doing horribly lately. I literally haven't eaten anything in 2 full days, I can't sleep again, and I can't even tolerate being around people. 

I can't deal with anything. I can't deal with all the drama and heartbreak and everything else that goes along with being with people. I don't care what anyone says. People are selfish and no one cares about me or the fact that I'm slowly but surely losing touch with reality. 

I feel like I just bring everyone down. Last night I felt like I shouldn't even have pets because I'm not going to take good enough care of them and they'll be miserable living with me. That's what goes through my head on a daily basis. 

I'm no good for anyone. Including myself. So yeah here's another shock- I cut last night. Oh well. Not like anyone cares or notices. Not that I did it for attention. I don't even know what the fuck to do with myself lately. I make all my friends mad at me, they all hate me, I hate myself and I don't even bother getting out of bed anymore. I'm sure I'm just a joy to be around. 

It's like people know there's something wrong with me. They know I'm not happy or upset, and no one asks me why or does anything about it to show they care. Why should I bust my ass trying to help other people and make them feel better when no one does the same with me? Am I even important to anyone in this world? Honestly would anyone even notice a difference if I was gone? 

My family sure wouldn't. They'd be glad. My friends? They might care for a little while. They'd get over it though. Im really not that important. 

Sorry if this post bothers you. I needed to vent. 

Alone

For those of you that don't know, yes, my sister is mentally ill. She has borderline personality disorder, OCD, bipolar, and she is on the autism spectrum as well. She has other things but my mind is blank right now. She sounds like a blast to live with right? My birthday was 2 days ago and it was good. My best friend took me on a trail ride and we went out to lunch and slept over. It was pretty awesome. It was just the two of us, but I wish my other best friend could've gone. I know she helped plan it though so I'm still very thankful to both of them.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. And I feel so bad for them for having to put up with me.  Despite having a great day, I was still upset and so lonely at nighttime. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why no matter what happens I always end up sad and lonely, but I hate it. And I don't want people to think I'm unappreciative or ungrateful, because thats not true at all.  I feel like one of my close friends is starting to get sick of me and doesn't like me anymore. I pushed him away, and I don't think we wants to have anything to do with me. Or maybe I'm reading into it much. Or maybe I'm not and that's really what he thinks. I don't know.  Alone. That's how I feel 24/7, even when I'm with someone. I feel MORE alone when I'm actually with people. My sleeping is starting to get bad again..I'm really not sleeping very much at all. Ugh I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. 

In need of a good day

I think it's safe to say I've been pretty screwed up again lately. I'm always upset and alone. I get in bad moods when I'm with people and they don't understand why. They dont get it. I feel so alone when I'm with people and no one understands that. 

I pushed almost everyone away from me except for one or two people pretty much. 

I don't take my Prozac everyday either. I'm trying to come off it, despite what everyone else is telling 
me. 

My birthday is tomorrow and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad because my brother won't be home but I'm excited because my friends planned something for the day for me but i have no idea what it is. 

Me and my sister have been fighting bad lately. She's been fighting with everyone. Today she tried hitting me but I'm way stronger than she is. She still scares the shit out of me though. In drivers ed today we were talking about mentally ill people. 
Because my sister is, that was a difficult conversation for me. No one will ever be able to understand what it's like to live here with her. I know I shouldn't let what other people say get to me, but I do. 

I am in some serious need of a good day, so hopefully tomorrow on my birthday will be pretty good. I'll let you all know how it goes

Same crap different day

I hate the fact that I'm pushing everyone away. I feel so alone, but half the time I do it to myself. 

I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day, my family and my best friend are coming over. 

I feel like crap, it's nothing new. 17 in 5 more days :/

I'm sorry for pushing you away if I have.....

Busy day

Well today I had a psychiatrist appointment. I did not want to go. I was in a bad mood and not answering any of her questions and pretty much just acting like a total bitch. I apologized for acting so bratty when I left, it's really not like me. She said that I have to work on talking about how I'm feeling more to people, and if I'm angry or sad or something, I should say it. That's going to be a problem for me but whatever. She wants to see me in 3 weeks. 

She doubled my Prozac and put me on sleeping pills, and diagnosed me as a chronic insomniac. I'm not happy about getting on more medicine. I want off everything completely. 

Everyone is trying to get me to go inpatient. I won't though. I can't. 

Good news of the day: I got a job!!! Yay me! It's at a physical therapy place and I'm really happy about it. If I plan on getting my car, which I'm planning on doing very soon, I'm going to need more money. It's just one step closer to freedom. 

Today sucked, but ended good when I got a job. My depression is worsening again and the worst part is that the worse it gets, the less I'm able to talk about it and open up. I know I need help...I'm just not sure if i can be helped at this point. I think I've pushed everyone away from me. I'm sorry.