Anxiety: bad
Depression: worse
Yesterday I was out with my friends. This new guy named omelet was there. I decided I wanted to make a good impression on him, so I acted like I was the happiest, most confident kid in the world. What a joke. I don't know why I care about what other people think of me, but I do care.
It's really frustrating because on Wednesday, the first half of the day I felt good. I didn't feel horrible and I thought maybe, just maybe I was going to start feeling better. Wronggggg. I completely crashed
Wednesday night and all day Thursday. I was in this ridiculous state of depression that I couldn't get out of. Today so far is the same. I don't plan on getting out of bed for anything.
I've cut the amount I'm eating now down to one meal a day and a snack at some point. Not even hungry for breakfast today though.
Everything makes me want to cut. Everything is a trigger lately.
I had a good half of a day, and now I'm worse than before. False hope? I don't know. I wish my head would stop playing games with me. I wish I didn't have any good days because the ones I have never ever last and only make me feel way worse when there gone.
For some reason I'm still fighting though. Who the hell knows why.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A rare good day
Yesterday was actually a good day. Me and one of my best friends went out for a few hours and had a really good time. We didn't even really do anything that exciting. We literally sat on a bench that was right behind a rocky wall and talked. It was awesome though. Like we were right on top of this wall and there was a fence with ivy covering it surrounding us. Most normal people wouldn't really find that a nice place to sit...but I loved it. It kind of felt like life. Like I'm trapped behind this wall, and I can hear everyone else and see what their doing, but they can't see me and they have no idea what is going on in my life.
I don't know, I guess I read to much into things, but the whole night just felt awesome. It's like me and my friend can relate to each other so much, and it's nice to have just one person I feel like I can be completely real with. Or at least mostly real with. When I got home it sucked though. I felt so alone and empty..I hate that. I always feel so alone. I wish that could change
I had therapy yesterday and we were talking about self sabotage, and how I'm doing that to myself. She's making me keep a log of when my depression and anxiety is worse..I think I'm changing medicine soon. Or at least increasing what I'm already on.
It's days like yesterday that make me want to keep fighting. But there just so incredibly rare...and I guess sometimes I forget what it's like to have a good day. I just wish they would last.
I don't know, I guess I read to much into things, but the whole night just felt awesome. It's like me and my friend can relate to each other so much, and it's nice to have just one person I feel like I can be completely real with. Or at least mostly real with. When I got home it sucked though. I felt so alone and empty..I hate that. I always feel so alone. I wish that could change
I had therapy yesterday and we were talking about self sabotage, and how I'm doing that to myself. She's making me keep a log of when my depression and anxiety is worse..I think I'm changing medicine soon. Or at least increasing what I'm already on.
It's days like yesterday that make me want to keep fighting. But there just so incredibly rare...and I guess sometimes I forget what it's like to have a good day. I just wish they would last.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Unhealthy risks
Lately I've been doing a lot of not so smart things, and just making bad decisions. Between drinking and sex and cutting and not studying for finals, I just don't feel like myself. And I screwed myself because now I'm really scared for my math test which I have to take tomorrow. I'm praying I don't fail.
Eating has been an issue for me lately too. I'm either just not hungry so I don't eat, or I eat way to much so I don't focus on all the bad. I can't seem to find a healthy balance. So instead of being productive and trying to fix it, I'm going to play a little game. Not going to say what it is yet, but let's just see how long it takes for my parents to notice.
I know I'm doing bad. And why I'm making worse choices rather than trying to make things better, I really don't know. I think it's just because I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get better. I've been messed up for to long. At least that's how I see it. And yeah, maybe that is wrong, but that's just how my head is thinking about things.
This summer is going to be a crazy one. Not because of any parties I'm going to, but simply because of the battles I'm fighting in my own head. I'm excited to see how this "game" is going to play out.
Why is it that when people are doing bad like me, they make worse decisions instead of trying to make things better. Can anyone tell me that? Do other people do it too? Is it just me? I think it's because I've given up all hope anyway. So I might as well have fun with me. Please tell me I'm not weird, and this is at least semi normal or common. I think it's safe to say that prozac hasn't helped me much at all :/
Eating has been an issue for me lately too. I'm either just not hungry so I don't eat, or I eat way to much so I don't focus on all the bad. I can't seem to find a healthy balance. So instead of being productive and trying to fix it, I'm going to play a little game. Not going to say what it is yet, but let's just see how long it takes for my parents to notice.
I know I'm doing bad. And why I'm making worse choices rather than trying to make things better, I really don't know. I think it's just because I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get better. I've been messed up for to long. At least that's how I see it. And yeah, maybe that is wrong, but that's just how my head is thinking about things.
This summer is going to be a crazy one. Not because of any parties I'm going to, but simply because of the battles I'm fighting in my own head. I'm excited to see how this "game" is going to play out.
Why is it that when people are doing bad like me, they make worse decisions instead of trying to make things better. Can anyone tell me that? Do other people do it too? Is it just me? I think it's because I've given up all hope anyway. So I might as well have fun with me. Please tell me I'm not weird, and this is at least semi normal or common. I think it's safe to say that prozac hasn't helped me much at all :/
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Social anxiety
The past few days I've been trying to go out more and be social...but I failed miserably. I tried going over my grandmas house to sleep over, but I had to have someone pick me up. She wasn't happy with me and she took it personally. She doesn't understand that that's just how I am.
I was supposed to go away with my friend for the weekend, and I chickened out at the last minuet. Yes, I regret it and wish I went. My anxiety feels like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just noticing it more now.
On a positive note, I hung out with another one of my best friends last night at my house, and it went well. I didn't have to much anxiety and I don't know. It's probably just because I didn't have to leave my house.
I'm trying to get along better with my mom lately, but she keeps rejecting me. I wish we could be closer and I wish she wanted me. Last night I was laying in my bed and I just felt so alone. I always feel alone and it sucks.
How do you not always feel so alone? Honestly, I feel the most alone when I'm with people because I guess I feel like I have to act happier than I am. I hate it.
Well happy fathers day to all the dads out there :)
I was supposed to go away with my friend for the weekend, and I chickened out at the last minuet. Yes, I regret it and wish I went. My anxiety feels like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just noticing it more now.
On a positive note, I hung out with another one of my best friends last night at my house, and it went well. I didn't have to much anxiety and I don't know. It's probably just because I didn't have to leave my house.
I'm trying to get along better with my mom lately, but she keeps rejecting me. I wish we could be closer and I wish she wanted me. Last night I was laying in my bed and I just felt so alone. I always feel alone and it sucks.
How do you not always feel so alone? Honestly, I feel the most alone when I'm with people because I guess I feel like I have to act happier than I am. I hate it.
Well happy fathers day to all the dads out there :)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Same old crap
Anxious, depressed, suicidal. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's what I feel like. Everyday feels the same. But it still surprises me that I feel bad. It's like..it really shouldn't surprise me when I can't do things because of my anxiety.
I'm a mess. My therapist is concerned with my sleep, or lack there of. She might put me on something to help me sleep. Its been like 4 weeks of prozac and I feel no change. No better, no worse. Well okay, maybe worse. But not because of the Prozac. I was already spiraling downward when I started it.
I don't have much else to say right now, it's the same old crap. I feel inadequate and unworthy, and really just pretty horrible. Like I said, lather, rinse, repeat.
I'm a mess. My therapist is concerned with my sleep, or lack there of. She might put me on something to help me sleep. Its been like 4 weeks of prozac and I feel no change. No better, no worse. Well okay, maybe worse. But not because of the Prozac. I was already spiraling downward when I started it.
I don't have much else to say right now, it's the same old crap. I feel inadequate and unworthy, and really just pretty horrible. Like I said, lather, rinse, repeat.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Well, last night was eventful. We got to "Carls" house, and started drinking. I didn't drink as much as I would've liked to because we had to leave earlier then expected. Honestly, the most eventful part of the night was when he drove me home.
You know how I wanted to get back together? Well, we did. And that made me really happy at first. Well, I mean as happy as I can be. We left his house at like 11:00, but I didn't get home until 1:00am. We pretty much talked most of the time, just about life and if we should get back together or not. He said sorry for being a jerk to me...and you don't know how bad I wanted to believe him. You don't know just how much I really wanted to think he would change and be a better boyfriend to me.
Today things were the same as they always were with him. We didn't talk any more than we had been recently, and I don't know. I just want things to be good. I want to be the most Important person in somebody's life. I want to matter.
New topic:
Tomorrow I have therapy again. My mom was going to cancel it, but when she called to cancel, my therapist yelled at her and told her I need to go. I guess my school informed her about my mom and how she likes to cancel these things and not take me back.
Well anyway, I've been doing really bad lately. Im almost at the point where I'm ready to give in, and just be totally 100 percent honest. I want to tell my therapist how I want to kill myself so bad, and how I've been cutting again lately. Because I have been. Last night I sat in my room thinking about why I haven't done it yet. I don't know what's stopping me..but I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a point where I'm going to try it again.
If I wasn't so concerned with what my parents would think, and how they would act towards me, I would be honest like that. I always hold back and I never say how I really feel because I'm so scared of my parents reactions to it. It's never going to be okay with them that I'm like this.
I'm seriously considering even going inpatient at a hospital somewhere. I'm really that bad. I don't want to die. But I can't live this way. And I don't know what to do because I'm so scared of my parents. I'm torn between getting help for myself, and staying a good kid for my parents sake.
You know how I wanted to get back together? Well, we did. And that made me really happy at first. Well, I mean as happy as I can be. We left his house at like 11:00, but I didn't get home until 1:00am. We pretty much talked most of the time, just about life and if we should get back together or not. He said sorry for being a jerk to me...and you don't know how bad I wanted to believe him. You don't know just how much I really wanted to think he would change and be a better boyfriend to me.
Today things were the same as they always were with him. We didn't talk any more than we had been recently, and I don't know. I just want things to be good. I want to be the most Important person in somebody's life. I want to matter.
New topic:
Tomorrow I have therapy again. My mom was going to cancel it, but when she called to cancel, my therapist yelled at her and told her I need to go. I guess my school informed her about my mom and how she likes to cancel these things and not take me back.
Well anyway, I've been doing really bad lately. Im almost at the point where I'm ready to give in, and just be totally 100 percent honest. I want to tell my therapist how I want to kill myself so bad, and how I've been cutting again lately. Because I have been. Last night I sat in my room thinking about why I haven't done it yet. I don't know what's stopping me..but I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a point where I'm going to try it again.
If I wasn't so concerned with what my parents would think, and how they would act towards me, I would be honest like that. I always hold back and I never say how I really feel because I'm so scared of my parents reactions to it. It's never going to be okay with them that I'm like this.
I'm seriously considering even going inpatient at a hospital somewhere. I'm really that bad. I don't want to die. But I can't live this way. And I don't know what to do because I'm so scared of my parents. I'm torn between getting help for myself, and staying a good kid for my parents sake.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
List of powerful and deep music/books
This post is going to be a list of songs and books that have a really deep meaning with me and that I feel like I can connect to.
SONGS:
Most of them have to deal with depression, or not being good enough, or just going through rough times. I love every single one of these songs. The lyrics are so strong and have such powerful meanings. The song lullabies is actually about the song writers brother, who committed suicide. The lyrics are amazing.
Lullabies- All Time Low
Weightless - All Time Low
Therapy - All Time Low
Sick Little Games - All Time Low
Guts - All Time Low
Beautiful - Eminem
Going through changes - Eminem
Talkin' to myself - Eminem
Me against the world - Simple Plan
Welcome to my life- Simple Plan
Crazy - Simple Plan
Save You - Simple Plan
Perfect - Simple Plan
For you - Straind (the last 2 songs says everything and more I want to say to my parents)
Fuckin Perfect - P!nk
Last Resort - Papa Roach
Who Says - Selena Gomez
The prayer - Kid Cudi
Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi
Adams Song - Blink 182
Hold on - Good Charlotte
Hope- Twista
Runaway Love - Ludacris
Jumper - Third Eye Blind
Gotta Be Somebody - Nickleback
21 Guns - Green Day
Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift
My personal favorites on this list are all of the ones by All Time Low, hold on, beautiful, going through changes, hope, fucking perfect, last resort, perfect, and for you. The lyrics just say so much to me and make me feel less alone.
Books:
In all of these books, the main character either is grieving someone who committed suicide, or is depressed themselves and possibly suicidal. I love all of them.
Aimee- Mary Beth Miller
Hold Still - Nina LaCour
13 Reasons Why - Jay Asher
It's kind of a funny story - Ned Vizzini (yes, it's a movie but the book is soo much better)
Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
The Pact - Jodi Picoult
Also, if you have any books or movies or songs to recommend, I'd love to hear them. I don't know how much any of this will appeal to adults, but hopefully all the teenagers who read this will be able to get something out of it.
SONGS:
Most of them have to deal with depression, or not being good enough, or just going through rough times. I love every single one of these songs. The lyrics are so strong and have such powerful meanings. The song lullabies is actually about the song writers brother, who committed suicide. The lyrics are amazing.
Lullabies- All Time Low
Weightless - All Time Low
Therapy - All Time Low
Sick Little Games - All Time Low
Guts - All Time Low
Beautiful - Eminem
Going through changes - Eminem
Talkin' to myself - Eminem
Me against the world - Simple Plan
Welcome to my life- Simple Plan
Crazy - Simple Plan
Save You - Simple Plan
Perfect - Simple Plan
For you - Straind (the last 2 songs says everything and more I want to say to my parents)
Fuckin Perfect - P!nk
Last Resort - Papa Roach
Who Says - Selena Gomez
The prayer - Kid Cudi
Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi
Adams Song - Blink 182
Hold on - Good Charlotte
Hope- Twista
Runaway Love - Ludacris
Jumper - Third Eye Blind
Gotta Be Somebody - Nickleback
21 Guns - Green Day
Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift
My personal favorites on this list are all of the ones by All Time Low, hold on, beautiful, going through changes, hope, fucking perfect, last resort, perfect, and for you. The lyrics just say so much to me and make me feel less alone.
Books:
In all of these books, the main character either is grieving someone who committed suicide, or is depressed themselves and possibly suicidal. I love all of them.
Aimee- Mary Beth Miller
Hold Still - Nina LaCour
13 Reasons Why - Jay Asher
It's kind of a funny story - Ned Vizzini (yes, it's a movie but the book is soo much better)
Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
The Pact - Jodi Picoult
Also, if you have any books or movies or songs to recommend, I'd love to hear them. I don't know how much any of this will appeal to adults, but hopefully all the teenagers who read this will be able to get something out of it.
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