Something's wrong

I don't know what's wrong with me. So I got accepted into my top choice college today. So did my best friend. Awesome right? But why does that still upset me?

Because what if she doesn't want to go to school with me. What if she just wants college to be a time to get away from me? I wish we could dorm together and I don't want her to leave me but I think she will. 

So what's my solution? Push her away obviously. I wish things didn't have to hurt so bad all of the time. 

Speaking of pain, my legs are not better at all. I don't know if you remember me writing about this, but I've had four major surgeries for my legs in the past 2 years. My legs still kill me. It sucks. 

When can I stop feeling so bad? I want to be happy and not feel alone. But it's probably my own fault. I need alcohol. I like numbing myself. Yeah I feel horrible the next day, even more depressed, but hopefully I cam just forget for one single night. Not like it ever happens like that though. Something just isn't right with me and it's more than just typical depression I think. I don't know. Is this just horrible depression? 

Oh I don't know.

I just got off the phone with Mike. I was talking to him for an hour and a half. I'm not used to talking on the phone...it usually causes me a lot of anxiety. My anxiety seems like it's getting worse. 

I like mike so much though. I'm really trying to be a better person for him. We seem like we can both really make each other happy. I'm so scared that I'm going to scare him away though. I haven't told him any of the bad stuff...not in depth anyway. 

I'm afraid that he'll see me as something different than he sees me now and it scares me. I don't want to screw up. I dont want my ex to keep yelling at me. I want happiness. 

He makes me so happy and it feels good. It's harder in one way being in a relationship with someone who you actually like. I mean think about it. If something happens, it's really going to hurt and it will be really bad. But if you're with someone you don't really care about...it won't be as bad or hurt as much. 

I don't know, that's just how I think. I'm going to visit a college tomorrow and I'm nervous. I hate thinking about college. It's one reason why in pushing everyone away. One of my friends is very easy to push away. She doesn't seem like she cares much. It hurts, not guna lie, but I guess I do it to myself. 

On the plus side, I feel slightly less dizzy today. Yay. 

Stupidity

Oh where do I even begin...I have no idea what to say right now. 

First of all, I'd just like to give a shout out to my friend Oliver who is both a freaking idiot and a genius at the same time. I can't even believe you..but I love you. 

Secondly, if any of you are reading this and wondering anything that I have never shared, feel free to ask. Now that I'm back, I'd like to be as real and open as possible. 

So my exboyfriend, yea, remember him? The one who all my friends hate but I still somehow love? He will not stop yelling at me and making me feel bad about having a new boyfriend, mike. And yeah it hurts. Here's how stupid I am. I actually considered breaking up with mike to get back together with him. 

I guess I figured, hey, I've never been happy before, why start now? I really do hate myself. 

I'm pushing away all my friends again too. I don't think they need me. But I said that last night. 

I was with my guidance counselor today and I wanted so bad to tell her how messed up I am, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared of the outcome. 

Last night I went to bed at 7 and woke up at 3. Not exactly the conventional nights sleep...but hey at least I slept. I feel like I'm just rambling. 

Oh when is this all going to end???

Just typical me

Haven't eaten in a couple days, haven't taken my zoloft in a couple of days, and haven't slept in a couple of days. That makes for a great combination of things. 

I wish I could feel better. I wish someone would care. It's almost like, I've been screwed up for so long now, people just accept it. Like no one really does anything or cares because they think it doesn't still hurt or something. I don't know.  

Im in so much pain. Im sick of hiding. Sometimes I really want to just go into school with cuts all over my arm just to see what they would do. If anyone would even notice. Or if they would just think thanks typical me. Probably the last option. 

I feel like I have no friends. I have two best friends, but I feel like they don't need me at all. Here's an analogy for you. My one friend is like my other friends underwear. You always need underwear, and you're only without it in the bathroom or when you're having sex or something. I feel like that's the only time when they don't need each other. But I'm just like a necklace or earings. They only need me on special occasions, and no one would notice if I wasn't there. I'm easily removable. 

That's how I feel. I'm pushing everyone away pretty badly and I know my friends are getting sick of me for it. Oh well. 

I wish I could be sent away somewhere. Someplace where there are kids just like me and I don't have to go home or anything. And there's always someone to talk to who cares. 

Yes, I know you're ALL thinking I should just go in a hospital...but I can't. I just can't. It would be to much for my parents to deal with and I don't want to be trapped there with more people who are judging me. 

M.I.A

Sorry I've been gone. I got overwhelmed with things I should write about and things I shouldn't and I don't know. Shocker- I'm not doing so hot. One good thing has happened though. I'm going out with a good kid. His name is mike. I've liked him for a really long time...about three years and I finally told him I liked him. He said he actually liked me too for a while and now were going out.

I feel really insecure about it though. He doesn't know any of the bad stuff about me. And my exboyfriend is really pressuring me to get back together with him. I don't want to be hurt. I want mike to know everyhing about me, including the bad stuff. But I don't want him to think I'm crazy.

A lot of people think of me as crazy. It makes me sad. I'm doing worse with eating to. And cutting. Everything is getting worse. I don't really like my therapist anymore either. I can't talk to her or anything.

I got in trouble with school again. My friends talked to the principle about me and said I was suicidal and stuff. No I don't blame them, but it does make me think twice about what I say. I always say this. I'm not getting better, I'm just getting smarter.

My mom doesn't want me on zoloft anymore. She doesn't want me on any medicine. So guess I'm off antidepressants. Good idea right?

I'm exhausted now, I'm going to bed. I promise I'm back though. I'll continue to write regularly again. Good night

Horrible

What do you do when you don't want to live...but you don't want to die either? I'm at that place now and it sucks. Im really hurting. 

My family is falling apart, my sister keeps on attacking me and hurting me and accusing me of things. My body and my mind is beaten down. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't get out of bed all weekend. I laid in bed and cried. I can't do anything. My friends don't understand. No one does. I just want to go away. 

I'm at the point where I want to get a court order against my sister to send her into a hospital. I don't know if I can actually do that but I want to. I wish I could describe to you how horrible it is. 

Everything sucks

Words can't describe what this is like. If I could be dead I would in a heartbeat. 

My home life is horrible, every choice I make is horrible, and I just want out. I can't do it anymore. I really can't. 

This is something I can't fight alone and it feels like I am. Even though people are sometimes here, no one is always here and I can't talk about it anyway. Everything sucks. Nothing is good or happy or safe.