8 years later...

 Wow, guys.

Somehow, 8 years have gone by since my last post. That just...that sounds crazy. 8 years. I feel old now. I wanted to let you all know, whoever the heck is still out there, whoever finds this and wonders, 'hey, what ever happened to that crazy chick?' that I recently started blogging again.

 Something to fight for: Life goes on

Guys, seriously, my story has taken some wild, truly, absolutely wild, turns. I'm a week in, and still sharing my backstory. It feels good to write again, to connect.

This blog, this community, it provided so much for me and I time when I had no support, no hope, anything. I'm hoping to find that again. 

My story is far from over. It's filled with pain, irony, and frankly,  a lot of fucked up stuff. 

But I'm still here. I'm still fighting. I hope you all are too. Life really is crazy. I never, EVER, thought life would take me to where I am now. 

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for going on that journey with me for all of these years. Everyone who commented, supported me, just feeling every so slightly less alone in this world made a big difference.

If you're interested, you can find me at http://lifegoeson21.com

It really is a wild journey.

Trouble

I've been away because I had a summer job from June-September that had very little access to the internet. It was a hell of a summer to say the least. My boyfriend and best friend were there with me. Sam and I worked as Chamber Maids, cleaning up and making beds and cleaning the bar and bathrooms several times a day. Dear God was this summer hard on me. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I smoked or drank. Cut too. I'm doing a lot better now though...mostly because I have to be.

I got a puppy about a month ago. Since I've been away, my parents up and moved to Texas. I knew it was coming...I just miss my house and my life so much. That house was the only house I've ever lived in my entire life. It just feels like 19 years worth of memories are gone. I don't know. It just sucks. They took my dog and best friend with them. Her birthday is tomorrow and I can't believe she's turning 6. So, inspired and motivated by her, I worked all summer to save for my puppy. I still live with my boyfriend and he's gone a lot and agreed it would be good for me. Everyone told me that now is a bad time to get a puppy and I shouldn't waste money on one, but I can honestly say that this was the smartest thing I could have done for myself. He's 5 1/2 months old and his name is Calvin. I'm proud of him because it's taken a while but he's finally all trained up and is very smart. He's a life saver. Both of my dogs are Havanese.

I've been mostly clean with cutting/burning lately. I was not the best over the summer, despite all my best efforts. I have been clean about 2 months except for one night about 2 weeks ago when I burned just ever so slightly. Ugh. Being clean isn't the easiest thing for me. It's something I fear I'm going to struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But so be it I suppose. I had to take this year off school due to financial reasons and my parents move and all..so right now I'm not up to much.

There's lots more going on in my life now, I'm just not ready to open up quite yet. Thanks for listening, hope all is well with the rest of the world, or at least whoever is reading this.

               Casey                                                                 

      Calvin         

                              

Crash and burn

I broke...pretty badly. I knew it was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it, even though I tried. I've been purging a lot lately - basically every time I feel like I eat too much. I also have been cutting a lot. I think every day this week I have. I told you, when I crash, I knew I was going to crash hard. Yesterday I got especially frustrated and took out my rage on a wall. My hand is so swollen and bruised, Sam thinks its broken but I've been in this position before and I can't tell. You'd think I would have learned my lesson as to not to punch shit, seeing as the last time this happened I shattered my hand and ended up tearing my rotater cuff and labrum and needing surgery. But I guess I just don't care what happens to me anymore.

Sam wants me to go to the hospital tomorrow to get my hand looked at but I'm basically refusing. That would mean I would have to tell my parents what happened and how I got hurt and honestly, I don't feel like hearing their disappointment and feeling stupid. They keep telling me that they're proud of me lately and honestly, it really pisses me off. They are saying that I've been more mature and grown up lately because I'm, I guess, living on my own and taking care of myself. But guess what? I'm no more mature, or at least not significantly more mature, than I was last year. I still did everything for myself and took care of myself just as I am now, so why are they only seeing it and realizing it now? It pisses me off because I am not different. They were just blind to it and now that I'm gone I guess I piss them off less. What would have happened if they were more perceptive last year? Would we have gotten along better? Would they have let me keep my child and not have pushed me into the awful thing that they made me do? I don't know. This whole thing just sucks.

I'm frustrated, hurt, angry at myself and physically in pain - which I deserve. I cut once already today and I don't think I can even stay clean for the rest the night. This sucks.

Painfully Numb: Can't relate to anyone but myself

How can a person feel such pain, and such numbness all at the same time? It doesn't seem to be possible, but yet here I am. Hurting so badly and all I want to do is cry and scream and cut, yet I sit here stone-faced and calm because my body won't allow myself to feel such emotions. I literally feel as if I have just completely shut down. I just want to feel okay again. Nothing is right...nothing  seems worth it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold onto life.

Sometimes when I write I don't even think. The words just seem to come out so smoothly and effortlessly. I have no idea what I've written after the fact. I go back and read what I wrote sometimes and it's amazing how much I can relate to myself and the words that I've written. It's like the emotions are so familiar, but I'm experiencing the words for the first time. It's kind of nice being able to relate to someone...even if it is just yourself. I wish I could stop feeling so alone and hopeless. The constant pain is quite literally killing me. I wish there was something I could do about it, but I can't. This painfully numb emotion is one that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It really is terrible.

Undeserving

It's a pretty unsatisfying feeling to be living in a place surrounded by love and warmth and acceptance and still feel an undying sense of loneliness and isolation. Living here with Sam has taught me a lot of things. It's taught me that I don't need to starve myself of purge to be beautiful. It's taught me that my past is my past and that making mistakes are okay and that they don't define me. It's taught me that love and a simple hug can be the best kind of medicine. But most importantly, I think living here has taught me that maybe there is hope in a future for me. Because, I gotta tell you, For the past 4 or 5 years I haven't seen a reason good enough to keep me alive past the age of 20.

So, what's the problem then? If all of these good things have come of my move, why has my mental status diminished so rapidly? I think the answer is because despite all of the things listed above that I know and am aware of, when I get to that self-loathing place in my mine, it all goes out the window. It's like none of it maters and I do have to starve myself because my image now, underweight as I may be, is inadequate. And my mistakes and my past are the core of who I am and they are all I can think about. I just think about how much of a huge mistake I am and how I just shouldn't even continue to live anymore an endure this pain that seems to suffocate me. And my self-loathing brain makes me believe that love is not real. It doesn't really exist because it can't. Because no one in their right might could love someone as broken as I am, as hurt as I am, and no one can love someone who doesn't love them self. And I am the furthest thing away from feeling any sense of love for myself.

This is where I struggle in relationships. I have such a big heart and I have so much empathy for others, it's unreal. I always strive to do my best to make everyone I meet just a little bit happier, however I can. But, if I'm such a negative, and I am such a cancer...doesn't that mean that other people's happiness is a direct correlation of my absence? Well, that's how I see it. When people, like Sam, start showing love like that for me, I do everything in my power to turn it around and push them away. It's such a painful thing to do because all I want to feel in this world is love and acceptance and for me to punish myself by so boldly pushing it away kills me.

I do this in every relationship I have. If you're friends with me for more than a year, you're eventually going to get pushed away. In a way, it's kind of like a game or a test to see who cares enough to stay and resist my attempts and who just lets it happen. It is very much a defense mechanism for me. Push people away before they can get rid of me in their life. Cause the pain for myself so others don't have to do it. Make others happier by just getting rid of yourself because they pity you too much to do so. I

I just wish that I was deserving of love. I wish I could just accept it and stop trying to hurt myself, because I know in me pushing people away, I'm hurting those who really do care about me, and I don't want that. I don't know what to do to stop this cycle. It is something I have done and been fully aware of for years now. I know I'm not a terrible person. I know that, just like everyone, I have positive qualities about me and my mistakes are not written all over my forehead. They don't define who I am. I know I need to learn to love myself, but honestly, I just don't have a clue as to how to do that.

Ups and Downs

So, I am no longer living in a hotel for college. Thank God. This semester I actually decided that it would be best for me to take all online classes and move in with my boyfriend. It has worked out surprisingly well and all good things have come of it. Well, mostly all good things. He's gone a lot during the day so I'm mostly here by myself. It sucks because I hate being stuck alone with myself. It drives me crazy. All I do is think and think about all the shit that's wrong with my life. Think about how badly I want to cut and how fat I think I am and other negative things. It's very unpleasant. Since I moved here I have felt very alone. I feel like my boyfriend is the only one I have to lean on, and that's a very scary thing. While we do get alone great and have a very balanced relationship full of joy and happiness, but also seriousness as well, there is always a chance something could happen and it doesn't work out. And if he is all I have...well that just doesn't end well for me, does it.

So I've been clean of a lot of things lately. I haven't cut or burned since November 30th 2012. The reason why is because I got a tattoo of a butterfly on my left side. If anyone knows of the  "Butterfly Effect", that is the reason I got it. It is supposed to symbolize that cutting hurts those you love and who love you and not just yourself. Surrounding the butterfly I got the words "When we trade death for life" and "Freedom" and "Forgiveness". The reason I chose these words and quote is because it comes from a very powerful and meaningful story. It is Renee's Story and it is written by Jamie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). This story and organization is all about the idea of hope and recovery from all things self destructive, from addiction to eating disorders, to cutting and suicide. I think Everybody should become aware of them. They have helped me come out of dark places too many times to count. This is a link to Renee's Story - Renee's Story, To Write Love On Her Arms
And a link to their website -http://www.twloha.com/

This is a picture of it my tattoo:

The reason I decided to get this was because I was cutting way too much. It felt like it was something I had to do 3 or 4 times a day. I needed help stopping and I knew the only way I would be able to was if I was doing it for someone other than myself. I want to, for the rest of my life, say that this day - the day I got my butterfly, was the last day I ever cut or burned myself. And so far I have been successful. But oh boy, have there been some close calls. Just two days ago I was having such a bad anxiety attack and felt so awful and I was so desperate for relief. If  Sam, my boyfriend, hadn't literally taken the lighter away from me, I would have burned. 

It is so important for me to stay strong with this. I know that the very first time I cut or burn, it's all over. I will see no point in continuing to stay clean because I will have already broken. Similarly, I have struggled with and eating disorder for some time now. Starving myself has remained a bit of a problem, but I have been very good about not purging. Since about last April, I have stayed clean from it. But a week or so ago I purged for the first time and I felt terrible about it. But since I have no long and impressive streak of not doing it now, I have continued to starve myself and purge when I do eat and it is a very dysfunctional and sad cycle that I wish I could break, but don't have the strength to do so. 

Craziness

This week, much like many others, has been completely insane. I've been traveling back and fourth between my home and college so much and as soon as I left to go back to school, my car broke down so I had no way to get back. I had to wait at home (which sucked) for my car to be fixed. The reason this sucked was because it was my sisters birthday yesterday. When she found out I was coming home, she screamed at my mom telling her to not allow me to come home. Then as soon as I walked into my house on Monday night, my sister literally started screaming and cursing at me and telling me to leave. It's really a very welcoming environment. I hate it so much. I feel out of place no matter where I go.

More and more I'm considering taking online classes next semester so I can go live with my boyfriend. He has an apartment and it's honestly the only place that I feel "home", whatever that is. I'm scared to commit though. Yeah, he asked me to move in, and yeah we're really serious about each other, but what if that all changes? I'm terrified he's going to leave me. I won't be able to handle that if/when that happens. It's a really scary thing. I'm not one to trust anybody easily at all...and right now he has my entire heart in his hands. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

There are many pros and cons to me moving in with him. I wouldn't be alone, I would feel at home, we may or may not get closer, and we would be taking our relationship to a new level, which I do think we're ready for. I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I don't know what to do but I just want to do the right thing. Whatever that is.


Another thing that's going on is that I've been getting increasingly more afraid of people. So I live in a hotel (literally) for school because there aren't enough dorms to hold the students. And I keep my door locked at night and everything, but like I can be sitting in bed just relaxing, watching TV or doing homework or whatever, and I'll hear a people in the hallway and I get so scared for no reason. I'm so scared they're going to like break in and kill me, which is both irrational and impossible. I don't understand this fear. I'm also scared that every guy I see is going to try to rape me or something. That's kind of a rational fear, considering my past at least. I wish I wasn't so crazy. And that I didn't have PTSD or depression or anxiety or anything. I wish they weren't all getting worse. I just want to feel okay. I want to be happy. I want to be functional.

Well, on a more positive note I'm starting my new job in a week or two. I'm working with little kids at a birthday party place. I hope this is a good thing for me, and not a bad thing. It has potential to be very bad, if you know what happened to me about a year ago at this time....