Crash and burn

I broke...pretty badly. I knew it was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it, even though I tried. I've been purging a lot lately - basically every time I feel like I eat too much. I also have been cutting a lot. I think every day this week I have. I told you, when I crash, I knew I was going to crash hard. Yesterday I got especially frustrated and took out my rage on a wall. My hand is so swollen and bruised, Sam thinks its broken but I've been in this position before and I can't tell. You'd think I would have learned my lesson as to not to punch shit, seeing as the last time this happened I shattered my hand and ended up tearing my rotater cuff and labrum and needing surgery. But I guess I just don't care what happens to me anymore.

Sam wants me to go to the hospital tomorrow to get my hand looked at but I'm basically refusing. That would mean I would have to tell my parents what happened and how I got hurt and honestly, I don't feel like hearing their disappointment and feeling stupid. They keep telling me that they're proud of me lately and honestly, it really pisses me off. They are saying that I've been more mature and grown up lately because I'm, I guess, living on my own and taking care of myself. But guess what? I'm no more mature, or at least not significantly more mature, than I was last year. I still did everything for myself and took care of myself just as I am now, so why are they only seeing it and realizing it now? It pisses me off because I am not different. They were just blind to it and now that I'm gone I guess I piss them off less. What would have happened if they were more perceptive last year? Would we have gotten along better? Would they have let me keep my child and not have pushed me into the awful thing that they made me do? I don't know. This whole thing just sucks.

I'm frustrated, hurt, angry at myself and physically in pain - which I deserve. I cut once already today and I don't think I can even stay clean for the rest the night. This sucks.

Painfully Numb: Can't relate to anyone but myself

How can a person feel such pain, and such numbness all at the same time? It doesn't seem to be possible, but yet here I am. Hurting so badly and all I want to do is cry and scream and cut, yet I sit here stone-faced and calm because my body won't allow myself to feel such emotions. I literally feel as if I have just completely shut down. I just want to feel okay again. Nothing is right...nothing  seems worth it. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold onto life.

Sometimes when I write I don't even think. The words just seem to come out so smoothly and effortlessly. I have no idea what I've written after the fact. I go back and read what I wrote sometimes and it's amazing how much I can relate to myself and the words that I've written. It's like the emotions are so familiar, but I'm experiencing the words for the first time. It's kind of nice being able to relate to someone...even if it is just yourself. I wish I could stop feeling so alone and hopeless. The constant pain is quite literally killing me. I wish there was something I could do about it, but I can't. This painfully numb emotion is one that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. It really is terrible.

Undeserving

It's a pretty unsatisfying feeling to be living in a place surrounded by love and warmth and acceptance and still feel an undying sense of loneliness and isolation. Living here with Sam has taught me a lot of things. It's taught me that I don't need to starve myself of purge to be beautiful. It's taught me that my past is my past and that making mistakes are okay and that they don't define me. It's taught me that love and a simple hug can be the best kind of medicine. But most importantly, I think living here has taught me that maybe there is hope in a future for me. Because, I gotta tell you, For the past 4 or 5 years I haven't seen a reason good enough to keep me alive past the age of 20.

So, what's the problem then? If all of these good things have come of my move, why has my mental status diminished so rapidly? I think the answer is because despite all of the things listed above that I know and am aware of, when I get to that self-loathing place in my mine, it all goes out the window. It's like none of it maters and I do have to starve myself because my image now, underweight as I may be, is inadequate. And my mistakes and my past are the core of who I am and they are all I can think about. I just think about how much of a huge mistake I am and how I just shouldn't even continue to live anymore an endure this pain that seems to suffocate me. And my self-loathing brain makes me believe that love is not real. It doesn't really exist because it can't. Because no one in their right might could love someone as broken as I am, as hurt as I am, and no one can love someone who doesn't love them self. And I am the furthest thing away from feeling any sense of love for myself.

This is where I struggle in relationships. I have such a big heart and I have so much empathy for others, it's unreal. I always strive to do my best to make everyone I meet just a little bit happier, however I can. But, if I'm such a negative, and I am such a cancer...doesn't that mean that other people's happiness is a direct correlation of my absence? Well, that's how I see it. When people, like Sam, start showing love like that for me, I do everything in my power to turn it around and push them away. It's such a painful thing to do because all I want to feel in this world is love and acceptance and for me to punish myself by so boldly pushing it away kills me.

I do this in every relationship I have. If you're friends with me for more than a year, you're eventually going to get pushed away. In a way, it's kind of like a game or a test to see who cares enough to stay and resist my attempts and who just lets it happen. It is very much a defense mechanism for me. Push people away before they can get rid of me in their life. Cause the pain for myself so others don't have to do it. Make others happier by just getting rid of yourself because they pity you too much to do so. I

I just wish that I was deserving of love. I wish I could just accept it and stop trying to hurt myself, because I know in me pushing people away, I'm hurting those who really do care about me, and I don't want that. I don't know what to do to stop this cycle. It is something I have done and been fully aware of for years now. I know I'm not a terrible person. I know that, just like everyone, I have positive qualities about me and my mistakes are not written all over my forehead. They don't define who I am. I know I need to learn to love myself, but honestly, I just don't have a clue as to how to do that.