How do you open up to someone you've never met?

Tomorrow, thanks to my school, I'm going to meet a new therapist. I'm actually really nervous about it. First of all, I have no idea who she is, and it's so hard for me to talk to, or even make eye contact with someone I don't know at all. I want it all to work out, and I want to be able to talk to her and trust her, but I know I cant yet. I get so nervous around new people, and instead of talking about what I want to talk about, I just agree with what the other person is saying. I'm not a good talker. When I first went to see somebody in my school..I didn't talk at all. My friend came with me and told my whole story. I loved that..that way they learn about me, and I don't have to talk. But this time I'm all by myself, and that makes me nervous. 

I am happy to be going though. Hopefully after a few weeks or months or whatever, I'll be able to form a trusting relationship with her. That's only happened one other time with me though. I need to be able to talk to someone though. I want to be able to talk to my friends about how I'm feeling right now. I really feel like I need that. But I just don't want them to think I'm being stupid and causing problems. I don't want to make them go away...but I really need to talk to someone so I don't know what to do. 

Another new thing is that I started taking Prozac. I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I'll probably take it for a month or 2 and then stop. It gives me more anxiety though. Panic attacks are more easily triggered, and I'm more shaky. 

Well, I hope everyone's memorial day weekend was good. I went to the beach with 2 of my best friends..they had to carry me around though because of my leg. I felt bad about that. But it was good for me to get out of the house. And I got a tan which is always a plus. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow..I really hope something good comes from it. 

Don't let depression hold you back!

This weekend I went on a road trip with my family to Virginia to drop my brother off at an internship. For some reason, this road trip really opened my eyes. We stayed in such a beautiful area, and I just didn't want to leave. We only stayed for a night, but it just made me realize how much there is out there in the world. 
And it could all be mine. 

There's just so much to do out there. Anything I want. And I want to embrace all of it. If/when I am ever able to overcome all this anxiety and depression, I can do anything. I want to travel, and help other people, and learn new things and take risks and ride the biggest roller coaster in the world and skydive, I just want to do it all. But I can't because I'm stuck trapped inside my own head. 

I have everything holding me back, and yet nothing holding me back at the same time. I want to live such an incredible life and take risks and just live it up! I'm going to be 17 in about a month, and so far there really hasn't been any defining moment in my life, or nothing that stands out, or nothing that even makes me unique. 
The only things that really make me different is all the negative stuff, my sister, all my surgeries, my depression and how I wanted to kill myself, it's just all bad things that make me who I am. And I want to change that. If you read my very first post, it's titled "Who am I?" and I want to answer that question. 

This summer, I don't want to sit home and literally do nothing. At least just one day, I want to do something amazing and exhilarating. I just don't know what that would be yet. 

I have so many fears getting in my way, and I don't want that anymore. I'm done being held back just because I'm scared or my depression is to bad to get out of bed. I don't want to let that happen this summer. I know I'm "only a kid", but I just feel like this is my life now, and this is when I should be living it and having fun. I don't want to be handicapped physically OR mentally anymore! 

I want to be awesome. I want to do things, and set some goals and then achieve them. I know that this is all easier said than done, but I just want to be a different person than who I am now. I'm very deep into my depression right now, and I'm trying so hard to break out of it and live my life. I'm struggling though. 

So here is my question for you. What makes you you? Every one of you, weather you're like me and have depression and anxieties or not, should go out and do something out of the normal. It doesn't have to be dangerous, or life defining or anything like that. It can just be something that makes you feel good, something you feel like you accomplished. 

Maybe working out of depression for someone else's benefit makes it easier to do. So maybe helping someone else is a good place to start. I really don't know. But I'm going to try to break out and do something good with my life. It's really time I started living it. 

I want you to do the same too. I think it's important. I don't know why, I just feel like it's something I have to do. Only thing is, I don't know where to begin! Any suggestions? And I'd love to know what you think about all of this too. 

I just want to start living my life the way it should be lived. No regrets. 

How do you make someone understand your reality?

Today during dinner, I was sitting there quietly eating. All of a sudden, and completely out of the blue, my mom says something like this. She said, "I just have to say this. If you stopped thinking negative thoughts and stopped thinking your life was so bad, you would just feel better". I literally started laughing. Like are you kidding me? My dad chimes in with this comment, "Yeah, like are you even friends with any positive people anymore?"  Come on. My response to this was telling them that they were ignorant, and that they should do some reading. I don't know the exact wording of everything that they said, and how I put it doesn't really do it justice. Basically the point that they were trying to make, was that I have depression BECAUSE I'm upset all the time. Ummm...actually, I'm pretty sure that the reason I'm upset or numb or however you want to put it, is BECAUSE I'm depressed. Not the other way around!

It frustrates me so much that they just can't understand that. They just don't know what it's like to be clinically depressed, and they think it's something that I choose. It really frustrates me and makes me sad.

Is this the reason they don't take me seriously? The reason they won't do anything to help me get better? The reason they ignore me when I don't get out of bed or when I'm crying or just laying on the floor?

Do they think I'm faking if for attention? How do you explain depression to someone who just has no idea? Honestly, what are some things I can say to make them understand, because I hate the fact that this is the reason they don't like me. Because they think it's something I can help.

It hurts so badly that we're on such different pages about this. I'll never be able to get better, not because I don't want to, but because my parents think I cause it myself and I'm really fine.

But really, how do you explain it? I'm numb, alone, empty, almost zombie like, those are some of the words I can think of, but it just doesn't do it justice.

I don't know how to make them check into what my reality is. I don't know how to make them understand. But maybe I can't make them understand, and maybe this is just something I'm forced to face alone and without help.

Is there anything that you find particularly helpful to say in this situation?  Is there even anything that can be said to help them understand me better? It's almost like their so caught up in the stigma surrounding depression that they don't want to believe I actually have it. I don't know really.

Making changes in my life

I've decided to stop living my life in this state. It isn't acceptable, and I want to much to be able to enjoy my life. I'm seeing a new therapist some day next week, I'm not sure what day though. My school set up the appointment. Not my mom, my school. I think it's funny that they think about my wellbeing more than my own parents. I'm not going to let that bother me though. 

As far as my parents go, I've decided not to be quiet about things just for their benefit. If I can't sleep and I need help with that, their going to hear about it. I'm no longer going to be a prisoner trapped inside my own body. 

As far as my friends go, I'm simply going to be a mirror image of what they are to me. If they don't want to deal with me, that's fine. I just won't deal with them either. It isn't healthy for me to be 90% of the whole relationship, and offer more than what I have to give. My whole thing used to be that I would take care of everyone else. I would deal with and solve everyone else's problems...and then what about me? No time for me and my problems. 

It really sucks right now because one of my closest friends is in the hospital. He has depression and some other things too, and it's just so rare that I actually found someone who I can relate to. 

And you know what's weird??? It doesn't bother me at all when he comes to me with his problems. Maybe I feel like, in helping him through a bad night, I'm really helping myself? I don't really know. But I find that I can really talk to him about things and just be as real and morbid and just whatever I need to be in the moment. And he does the same with me. And I feel okay with that because it's a 50-50 relationship. That's so very rare for me, in fact I think that's the first time I've ever been in an equal relationship. 

But that isn't in any way the fault of the other person. I know damn well that if I ask to talk about something, I think I could. I just would never ever go out of my way to vent and say what's really on my mind without someone else asking me first. 

I think it's a defense mechanism. If I help other people with their problems, then I feel like they like me better because I give them attention. And then they'll come back to me for advice or something next time they need help with something. That way I feel like they won't leave me as a friend. 

I always feel like I'm hopelessly losing my friends. I don't know if it's just me being paranoid, or if its really true sometimes, but I always just feel not good enough. I think, did I do something wrong? Did I make it too much about me and not ask how the other person is? All of those thoughts cycle through my mind and it makes me upset. Losing friends is something that doesn't happen often with me. But when it does, I just feel so helpless and I don't know how to fix it. It's why my guard is always up. This is why I don't put my full trust in anyone. I'm scared they'll go away. It's just a scary feeling for me. 

Don't take this the wrong way. Im not it any way trying to talk badly about my friends at all. I'm saying this is how I perceive these situations, and I know it's all my doing. 

But this is another change I want to make. I don't want to be so hyper-focused on what I think people are thinking about me. I have to learn to just go with the flow and let life play out and believe everything will work out how it's supposed to. Maybe I just have to sit back and be okay with that happens. Just relax and breath. 

And my last change...I think I'm going to start taking Prozac. I don't know for sure if I will yet...that's a really big and difficult step for me. But I don't want to die, and I don't want to live my life like this either. So maybe that's the only other option. I don't know. 

In a perfect world, I'd be able to do all these things. I'd be able to make all these changes and make myself a better person. I'm really going to try to live my life to the fullest and not let anything hold me back. I'm going to try. I know it won't be easy..and I'll probably give up or at least want to give up at many points along the way, but today is the day that I'm deciding to live my life and not let this depression and anxiety take over me. 

I want to be a normal kid having fun and going out during the summer. I don't want to be that kid who just sits home all day everyday and stares at the wall, not able to sleep (like I am now). 

I'm not saying I'm better, I'm not saying that I feel any better or different than I did. What I am saying, is that I've suffered and fought for far to long to just give up now. So for today, my decision is to fight and not give up. 

That's my decision for now. For this hour. This morning, it was something different, and it will probably be different again tomorrow. But for right now, I feel peaceful in my choice. I slept last night, maybe that's the reason for it. Its the first night I've slept in two weeks. It felt great. Granted, I did take 3 benadryl. But hey, at least I slept.

Please pray for my friend, he needs support too. I miss him a lot and I can't wait to see him again. Hopefully he joins me in my decision to not stop fighting just yet. Let's see where summer, or this weekend, or even tomorrow takes us. 

Shoulder to cry on?

Today went sort of well, I think. I had very very bad anxiety walking into my school though. So I was really relieved when I actually got into the room I needed to be. When I got there, Andrea actually looked generally happy to see me. That felt really good. 

I did show her what I wrote. It actually worked out really well, and because of how I worded everything, she couldn't actually tell anybody anything or do anything about it. It just feels really good to be able to talk to someone freely like that. It makes me really upset that today was the last time I'm ever going to be able to talk to her or see her. It's like, I've built this relationship with her for the entire year, and it's just over now. I don't think a lot of people realize just how hard it is for me to build that trusting (or semi-trusting) relationship with someone. 

I'm scared for over the summer when I'm back to having no one. I'm not ready for it. But at least today was good. 

One of the things that she asked me was how my sleeping has been. I literally  just laughed at that question. Sleep? No, I don't sleep. I stay up all night thinking about everything that went wrong during the day. I know that's so counterproductive, but I can't help it. I really just can't sleep. I think tonight I'm going to take every melatonin, benadryl, or nyquil I can find. I'm just so desperate for sleep. 

Although today was a better day, not a good day exactly, but a better day, I just feel numb now. I think I just feel really empty now that I know that today was the last time I could talk to Andrea. 

It's like..you know how sometimes all you really want is to cry on someone's shoulder and have them comfort you and be there for you? Well, that's what I think I really need right now. I just don't know how to even have that, because I honestly just feel so bad when I talk about this stuff with my friends. I want to be the friend they have fun with and always laugh with, and not the friend who is always upset and complaining or venting. That's my predicament. 

Thanks to everyone online who comments and offers advice and someone to talk to, it honestly does make me feel better and less alone. I just wanted to let you all know that you're appreciated. 

I need your opinion

So, this is what I wrote. Please tell me if you think I should let Andrea (my counselor) read it, or if I shouldn’t let her. I don’t know if I should or not. If you haven't, read the post below this. It explains what this is for.


"So, after I got really, really bad, I had surgery. I didn’t really have a chance to get worse. I was pretty much on pain medicine and high all the time. I’m really bad now though. Almost at the point where I was when I was at my worst, and that’s not good. I'm starting to make bad choices and I’m starting to really crave things like drinking and smoking. I'm ready to start doing stupid, reckless things again, frankly because I just don’t care anymore. I really don’t. I hate myself, I hate living, and its never going to get any better. No one gives a shit about me either. I feel like I’m literally losing every single one of my fiends. Clearly, out of sight, out of mind. No, but seriously. If something did happen to me, what would happen? Some people would be sad for maybe a week, and then they’d move on and forget about me. That’s pretty much the extent of it. I feel disgusting. I'm alone, miserable, desperate for relief, and I just don’t see the point in life. I have no purpose at all. I really don’t. My school expects me to teach myself an entire quarters worth of work in 2 classes. That’s bullshit. I'm not even going to look at it. I cant even put into words how shitty I feel again lately. I haven’t stopped doing anything dumb that people thought I have. I've just gotten more creative about it. You don’t want me to cut? Okay, I’ll just do other things that have the same affect. You’re going to go through all my shit and invade my privacy? Okay, I’ll just write online instead of on paper. You don’t want me to drink or smoke? Okay, I’ll just find other people who don’t give a shit about what I do. And you don’t want me to bitch and talk about my problems? That’s fine with me. I’ll just bottle it up and take it out in other (unproductive) ways. I can’t sleep. Even my fucking sleeping pills have no affect anymore. If I take them, I’ll fall asleep but I wake up at 2am and I’m up THE REST of the night. I'm having panic attacks almost every single night too, which just makes everything so much better. But honestly, I’m not okay right now. I pretty much have to make it a game. Like how long will it be before anyone notices how messed up I really am? How many signs do I need to give you? If people expect me to spell it out for them…their wrong. I wont do that. I don’t need anybody or anything. I just want this all to be over. I’ll never be able to explain what this feels like. I’ve said this before, and I’m going to say it now. I really never thought things could get worse from what they were. Whoever created the saying “it can’t get any worse”, was clearly mistaken. It can ALWAYS get worse. I want all of this to just be over. It’s not fair to live my life like this. I want all this constant pain to go away. If I were a dog or a cat, I would’ve been put down by now. Why do they put animals out of their misery but not people? Wow, that’s a fucked up thought. All my thoughts are fucked up lately. I literally went like a full 24 hours just hysterically crying the other day. I don’t even attempt to get out of bed. I'm down to 95 pounds now too, and I’m not even trying to do that, I swear. I'm mentally and physically drained. I hate my life and I don’t want to be here. I just wish I could talk to someone about any of this. I wish I wasn’t so fucking alone. I want to cut or do something so freaking bad. And on top of all this, I’m still living with a secret that NO ONE knows about. And they never will, I just can’t talk about it. I feel like I can’t be honest with anyone like that. I fucking hate myself and my life right now. I’m sorry for being so dumb right now. No matter how much I write, I’ll never be able to put into words how I feel. I just wish I could sleep. Oh well, panic attacks are fun too I guess."

My house is crazy

This is the very reason I don't have people over.

Last night, my best friend who I've known since 1st grade came to visit me. Well, my sister decided to make a huge scene for about an hour and a half. She was literally screaming her head off and like threatening to kill herself and what not the entire night. I felt sooo embarrassed and bad for my friend. The thoughts that were going through my head were "oh my god she is never going to come back. This is it, she's officially scared away". Now, we have been best friends since first grade, and I was still thinking those things. 

I usually never let people come over here. But I also hate going out to other people's houses. So that's where my problem is. 

Okay, so there is something about me that I don't exactly understand, and I was wondering if maybe you could tell me what the problem is. 

So I have social anxiety disorder, I know that. You'd think that as much as I hate my family, and hate my house, I'd always want to leave it. But I don't. I get so anxious and I just hate leaving my house, when it comes to hanging out with people or going somewhere I usually always say no just because I don't want to leave my house. I always want them to come here, but I never ask them to because of my sister. But it doesn't really make sense...because I hate it here so much and I always say that I'd I could, I'd move out in a heartbeat. 
Here's the other part. If I do go out somewhere...I like need my mom to go with me. My anxiety is sooooo much worse when I have to go somewhere by myself and my mom can't come with me. Now this is what confuses me so much. Because me and my moms relationship is always negative. We never get along and we ALWAYS end up fighting, no matter what it's about. But I always need her to come with me places? I don't understand it. Is that like separation anxiety? And if it is...why would it happen with someone I really generally do NOT like and don't get along with? The whole thing just confuses me. And my dad is never good enough either. If I have a doctor appointment and my dad has to take me, I get like visibly upset because I feel like he's going to do something wrong or he isn't good enough. And I have no idea why. 

But it's not like I can only out with my mom. It's just that generally, when I do go out, my mom is the only one around. But if I'm like with a friend...I'll make them take on that role. 
Bottom line-I refuse to go someplace by myself. But again, this confuses me because when I'm home, all I want is to be alone. It's like I always want to be alone, I always isolate myself, but if I have to go out of my house I need someone with me. And just one person...I hate big groups. They make me nervous too. 

I don't know, I guess I'm an odd kid. Thank god I'm going to my school tomorrow to talk to Andrea. The other night I wrote a lot down on paper, and it's all bad stuff. But for some reason I'm considering showing her it. I really think deep down I want her to do something drastic with me. On some level it's almost like I want to go in a hospital or I don't know just something so I can feel better. I'm tired of feeling like this, and I hate hating life. I'm starting to smoke and cut again. And I know that's really bad. I don't want to but I feel like I need to. 

If I ever talked to my family about this it would be like the end of the world. Even though my sister has been in and out of hospitals her whole life...it would be veryyy unacceptable if I did the same. Granted, we are VERY VERY different, and I know that, I worry that my parents see us in the same light. 

She has borderline personality disorder, anorexia, bipolar, anger management, OCD, and a lot of other things too. 

I just have depression and anxiety, probably caused by her. 

It's always been this way though. She can go in hospitals and it would be okay, but I can't. 
She can go in therapy, but I can't. 
She can take medicine, but I can't. 


All of these things are acceptable for her, in my parents eyes, but if I did any of those things it would mean they have 2 messed up kids and not just one. 

I wish she wasn't even a part of my life. I wish she never existed. Then I could get the help I know I need without her getting in the way. Hell, if she didn't exist I might not even be so messed up. I don't know, that's just my feelings. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow...I'll let you know how it goes!

In a few minuets I'll post what I wrote...pleasee give me you're opinion on weather or not I should show it to Andrea. I really don't know if I should. I'll put it up soon, I just have to type it up. Please comment and tell me if you can

Remembering my attempted suicide

Shortly after my...attempted suicide...my school found out some things and decided they had to call my parents in. So my mom went down to the school and they told her that they should take me to the hospital for a psych evaluation. Basically, it was a horribly miserable experience. This is how it all happened. 

So the night before everything happened.. I was in a really dark place. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't see a point in it at all. I was just miserable and alone and just when I thought my depression couldn't get ANY worse...it did. It got a lot worse. And I wanted to die. I was sitting in my room alone with my door closed, and I remember just thinking how incredibly alone and desperate I felt. I was writing in a notebook everything that was going through my mind, and let me tell you, it was morbid. And scary to think I could fall into a place that dark. This is one thing that I wrote..
"So I'm still sitting here, and I'm crying again. And I just want this all to be over. But what is it that I want to end? My life? Or all the CONSTANT miserable pain I'm in. Well, maybe you can't end one without the other."

And that is very true to how I felt. It still is. 

I didn't answer my phone at all that night. I just completely ignored everybody. I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I talked to someone. A few days prior to this, I guess my friends noticed I wasn't acting quite right. So they asked me what was wrong, and I opened up a little bit. Which is very rare for me...that just shows you how desperate I was to talk. 

So when I wasn't answering my phone, my friends got worried and eventually I answered one of their calls. I guess I sounded pretty messed up...but I assured her I was fine. But I honestly wasn't fine at all. 

When I'm in my room..it's like everyone forgets about me. It's like I don't exist anymore. Once again, out of sight, out of mind. 

I didn't sleep at all that night. I just sat in my bed writing, thinking, and just trying to survive. That's when I actually did something. I'm not going to say exactly what though. Eventually, at one point during the night, I threw up and just passed out. When I woke up it was about 2am, and I felt even worse than I did before that. I remember texting one of my friends...and I don't remember exactly what it said, but one line of it said something like "I'm sorry if I do something really dumb soon". Basically it was just a really long text, where I was pretty much just spilling my heart out and apologizing to her for being "stupid and dramatic lately". That's how I felt. I felt like I was annoying her and burdening her by just begin in a bad mood and by talking about things when I actually did talk. 

I actually felt bad for her and for all of my friends because they have to deal with me on a daily basis. The next day, my friends went and told my counselor at school everything that they knew happened the night before.  

I was still a wreck in school the next day. I was in a bad mood, and when I was with my friends I noticed they were acting different too. Looking back on it, I understand why. They told Andrea (my school counselor/therapist) that I guess they thought maybe I was going to hurt myself. 

When Andrea pulled me out of class, everything kind of clicked and made sense. She made me go with her to the psychologists room (which I've never been to before) and when I got there,  the school psychologist, my guidance counselor, my assistant principle, and Andrea were all in there. As soon as I walked in and saw all those people I got soo scared. I knew what they wanted to talk about with me, but I just wanted to go home and forget about everything that had happened. Basically, they were all just talking to me about stuff, and Andrea knew that I wrote things in a book when I had bad nights like that, and I always brought it with me so my parents wouldn't read it. I knew if I left it home, my mom would read it and that would be like the end of the world to me. They asked to read it, and I unwillingly let them. The stuff that was in there was bad..and it was actually funny seeing their reactions to it. Like that's how I live my life on a daily basis, and it's interesting to see how others perceive that. I really don't think any of them knew how bad off I really was at that time. 

Any time they would ask me questions.. My response would be "I don't know..are you going to tell my parents that?"  I hated so much that they told my parents things. 

I was up there with everyone pretty much all day. When my mom came..I totally freaked out and wanted to leave. It was one of the worst days of my life just because she had to come. I worked my whole life hiding things from my parents and now that was going to end. Eventually they just told my mom to take me to the hospital to get evaluated, and she did. On the way there she was yelling at me the entire time. She was so mad she had to take me. It made me feel even shittier than I did during the day. She was just complaining that now she was going to be behind in all the work she had to do. 

When I got to the hospital, I left my backpack and all my stuff in the car, and I  was in there for a while. Well, during that time, I guess my mom went out to the car and got the notebook I write stuff in, and proceeded to read EVERYTHING in it. Oh my gosh..when I found out she did that I freaked out on her. The whole reason I write is so I can vent and not have to worry about being judged or getting in trouble. And she completely took that away from me. Honestly, that more than anything is what made our relationship way worse. I still haven't forgiven her for it. 

Since that day, I have completely stopped writing on paper. I refused to write stuff just so she can look for it and invade my privacy. That is actually why I started writing this blog. Now I can go back to writing what I want, and don't have to worry about her ever even knowing it exists. 

I want to make this very clear. I'm not mad or upset with my friends for telling my school anything. The only thing I didn't like was that the school told my parents things. I wanted Andrea to know I was doing bad. I hate living lies and pretending things are okay when there really not. 

I don't really talk to my friends about the heavy stuff anymore. It's not because I don't trust them, it honestly is just because I feel bad. I mean, I don't want to deal with my problems, so why would they?


Truth be told...I'm no better than I was then. I'm just back to hiding it. I know that isn't a good thing, but that's just how I am. In my mind, it's like I'm protecting other people if I just stay quiet. That, and I do not want my parents finding out anything about me for the rest of my life. They don't help anything. They make it worse. I don't know. Maybe I'll get better eventually. I mean, I really hope so. 

I don't want to fight anymore

Depression is one of the most draining things a person can go through. Every single day, every single task is near impossible. Sleeping, eating, moving, talking to people, it's just all a struggle and a fight. And I don't want to do it anymore. 

I'm at the point now where I think I'm either a little better, or at the same point than when I was when I was at my worst. But that means it can still get worse. I feel like all my friends are sick and tired of my bullshit, so I never talk to them about anything that's going on. They don't care anyway. No one wants to be around someone who is always being stupid and complaining about things, so I just don't. 

I don't want to fight anymore. I'm physically and mentally drained and I don't think I can do this anymore. I wake up every single morning and try to have a good day, and I never do. I can be sitting in a room full of people and just randomly start like crying. I don't want to sit here and complain though. Im just tired of all of this. I am so overwhelmed and I literally can't ever sleep and I'm falling back into every single bad habit that I was in before. Wanting cigarettes and alcohol, cutting, not sleeping or doing anything, it's just all bad stuff. I hate being that girl that falls down the wrong path and screws up her life, but I am and it sucks. The one thing I have going for me is that I've never turned to drugs and I never will. I don't know.. Maybe turning to alcohol and all the other stuff is just as bad, but I like to think I at least have one thing good about me still. 

Over this.

I don't really know what to say tonight. I'm not doing well..same old thing every time. I'm just painfully numb right now. I can't really cope with anything, and I'm badly spiraling down. I'm trying to survive and hold on, but I honestly don't care about anything anymore. I'm continuing to make bad choices and I'm getting overwhelmed with the amount of school work I have to do. Two of my classes expect me to teach myself an entire quarters worth of work. I doubt I'll even look at the work I have to do...it causes way to much stress. I guess all I can do is wait for Wednesday and hopefully things will get a little easier. Hope you're all having a better time than me.

Bad choices

When things got bad for me, I started losing a sense of who I was. I didn't care about what happened to me, I was just ready to throw my life away. When I looked in the mirror, I honestly had no idea who I saw. Because of all the bad decisions I was making, I felt like it completely changed me. When I would write in my journal, I would talk about how I had completely lost everything I tried so hard to be. I always tried to be the good girl, to be everyone's best friend, I strived to please, and be good enough for everyone. 

But something inside of me changed. I was always the girl who thought drinking was the most horrible thing in the world..I would be disgusted by even the thought of drugs or cigarettes, and everyone considered me to be this "innocent" little kid. Well, truth be told, I'm not so little, and I'm quite far from innocent. 

When I first started to make bad choices, I think I was 15. It was at be beginning of 10th grade. I was starting to make friends and become closer with all the wrong people. I met a guy who was so not right for me, and we started going out. My friends at the time were still trying to keep me "innocent". It still makes me laugh that they considered me innocent. I hate that. They knew nothing about who I really was. 

Anyway, they were still trying to protect me. So they wouldn't let me drink. Well, my parents went out of town one weekend, and left me home alone. I told my friends about it, and told them they could only come over if they let me drink. 3 of my friends and my boyfriend came over. That was the first time I got drunk, and my first bad decision. I got a little better from there, but only for a few months. Later in the year (I guess maybe 14 months ago from now) was the first time I cut. Bad decision number two. 

That one messed me up the most. It made me feel like I was just like her...just another reason to feel worthless in my eyes. I decided after that first time that I would never do it again. I couldn't risk the chance of people seeing me in the same light as they saw her. Especially my parents..if they ever actually found out (which I made sure they never would).  

But I was okay. I was stable..until summer. 

Bad choice number three, I let someone pressure me into something that to this day, I regret. 
Whether or not this was directly related.. Last summer was when I really started feeling low. I started really feeling suicidal, and I was doing reckless and stupid things just because I really didn't care anymore. I didn't want to be me anymore. 

Well, after summer, came this year, which was wayyyy worse than I ever could have expected. If you thought I did some dumb stuff last year, just wait until you hear about this year. 

This year, my group of friends shifted once again, and I love them to death. Whether or not they actually feel the same about me, who knows.

In my main group of friends who I sometimes go and hang out with, is 5 people. Two boys, one being my now exboyfriend, and three girls including me. Whenever we hung out, we would drink. I started drinking so much that I would black out, or get really really sick. I wanted to drink so much that I didn't have to think or feel or do anything. 

This has continued to this day. If there is alcohol in front of me, if I'm going to drink it, I'm going to make it count for something. It's really backwards logic though. I just few way worse and more depressed afterwards. A few months ago, I got so drunk I could barely talk or stand or even stay awake. But the next morning my friends told me that I was begging them to kill me. I guess they thought I was just talking and not being serious, because no one took me seriously or really gave a second thought about it. But I guess it is true, drunken mind speaks a sober heart. 


I started craving cigarettes too. I never would've thought I would turn to that. It made me feel even lower, I couldn't believe I actually had sunk that low. 
Instead of cutting, when I needed a release, I would punch brick walls and make my knuckles bleed. I thought that was a better option than cutting. But then a few months ago I just didn't care and I started cutting. A lot. It used to be, when I wanted to do that, I just would wait a few minuets or however long, and hope the urge would go away. It usually did. But then the urge stopped going away, and I would want to do it all the time. My anxiety was at an all time high, and I would just randomly start crying in the middle of school. But I feel like I already wrote way to much tonight I guess that's all for tonight. 

It's days like today...

Today really wasn't all that bad. After a really, really rough night last night, today felt good and I want it to last forever. In my last post, I talked about how the only reason I wanted to go back to school was so I could talk to Andrea, my old therapist who works at the school. Well today, with the help of one of my friends, she called my house and now I'm going to get to talk to her next Wednesday. Hopefully just knowing that will help calm my panic and anxiety for now. While I am really really scared for stepping back into school and having to see people, I'm happy I'll be able to talk to someone. I know I really need it. 

That was the first positive thing that happened to me today. At the place where I go to physical therapy...there's a guy who works there. His name is Joe. He is 23, and he's been there for as long as I have been (which is quite a long time, almost 3 and a half years). I'm "just a kid" so I guess he feels like he can treat me different than the other patients. He isn't as professional with me, and he talks to me like I'm a real person, rather than a patient. He treats me different than he treats other people there, and he honestly makes me feel special and makes me feel like I matter when I go there. He is one of the few people I've opened up to about my depression and family problems. He always asks me how I'm doing, and just genuinely cares about me. It's a good feeling. Today when I went, there was like no one else there. So me and Joe were in the back talking about just life and everything in general. He helped make my day better, and more positive. I really want to have good days like these, but there just so rare. At the end of the day, I feel sad. Almost guilty. I havnt had a decent day like this in about a month. I want them to last forever, like "normal" people have good days more than bad days, it's quite the opposite for me. 

I get sad when I think that tomorrow I'm going to wake up, and maybe tomorrow won't be as good. I'm always going to try for days like this. I want to help people and inspire them to do the same. Maybe that's what my purpose in life is. To help others. I don't know, I really don't. 

Although today was a good one, I'm worried about the night. Im not sleeping anymore. I has to take something to sleep last night, and even still, I was up from 2am to 5am. I just can't sleep anymore. I'm in the insomniac phase now I guess. I'm having panic attacks almost every night also..I don't know how to prevent them. 

So what did I learn today? I'm very much attracted to the 23 year old at my physical therapy place. I'm almost 17..I mean, it could work :)
What else did I learn..sleeping during the night helps to decrease my anxiety. I have to start sleeping...I don't know how to though. I don't want to rely on pills so much. 

I know that my relationships with my friends is seriously decreasing, and that makes me really upset. I need my friends more than anything, I want to help them in their lives. I don't need them so they can help me, I want to feel wanted and loved. Nothing more. 


Tomorrow I'm gouge to wake up and try to make tomorrow count for something. I really hope I can. I want you to try also. I know it's hard, and it really almost never lasts the whole day. But sometimes it does, and days like today help me realize there could maybe, possibly be hope for me. God, I pray there is hope for me. I need more good days. But I need help with it. I want to help people, so maybe with this blog, I'm helping you too. I mean, it's a long shot, and I don't know who reads it, but it's comforting to think that maybe I help other people, at least to understand themselves better. 

I think the difference between today, and other days, is just that I felt wanted by someone. Well, two people actually. I know I'll probably go to bed crying because this feeling won't last, and it's just so rare, but at least today I felt something other than just empty.

Holding on

Today, I finally broke and asked my mom if I could go back in therapy. I went for like two sessions last month before surgery, but I stopped. I didn't really like her so I wanted to stop. When I asked my mom if I could go back, she assumed it would just be with the same person. When I explained to her that finding a therapist you have a good bond with is like trying on shoes..you have to shop around a little bit first, she was hesitant and frustrated with me.  You're not always going to get lucky on the first try. I told her if she was just going to make me go back to the same person, then there is no point in me going because I won't talk anyway. She was upset because that meant she had to make a lot more phone calls..but didn't give me too much of a hard time about it I guess. Then again she was the one who took me to the doctor to get medicine..and I'm still not on it. So who knows. 

There were a few reasons why I needed to have this conversation. Since it's so close to the end of the school year, and because of my increasingly bad anxiety, I decided it would be smarter if I just finished the year at home. This freaked me out a little bit, because in school I talked to someone like a therapist every week. I have for two years. They are just interns who I talk to at school, so they change every year. But I had a great relationship with who I talked to last year, and this year felt like I had an even better relationship with her. She was the only reason I didn't want to leave school, and she is the only reason I want to return. It's almost like a safety net. She was the first one I told that I wanted to kill myself (which I promise I'll talk about soon) and she helped me to start to understand everything a little better. If I don't go back this year, I'll never see her again. Which lead to a massive panic attack last night, followed by lots of tears and eventually some sleeping pills. Great night following an even better day (haha yeah right).  

But that leads to a question. If I don't go back to school this year, isn't that letting my anxiety win? Is it okay that I'm giving in and hiding instead of facing it? I know I'm not strong enough to face it right now, but I feel like I'm only giving it more "power" if I let it take over me. And I know next year, on the first day or week of school, I'll be freaking out worse than ever!! I mean the past few years have been bad..like huge panic attacks every night the whole first week before the first day, but I'm scared it's going to intensify if I allow myself to stay home now. I don't know what to do. Like I said, the only reason I want to go back is so I can talk to Andrea. That's the persons name who I talk to at school. 

Clearly I'm a mess right now, and I want help with it. I want to get out of this rut before I fall deeper into it. I'm falling back into bad habits that I fell into the last time I was like this, and it's just scary. I hate it. And the people around me probably hate me when I'm like this. It sucks and I wish I could make it all disappear, but I can't. 

I'm so stressed and anxious right now I just want to crawl into bed and never ever get out. Everyone in my family is always screaming because of my sister and I hate it here. Every night when I'm supposed to be in the den and watching something with my parents, something always happens and I end up just going upstairs to be my myself so I don't have to deal with the drama. Then I feel worse because all I want is to spend time with my parents so I feel at least a little wanted. 

But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I'm trying to stay upbeat and I'm trying to beat this or at least live with it, and I'm trying to stay alive and find my purpose in life. 

Before it got bad and I tried to kill myself, I had a nasty habit of yelling "I hate my life, I wish I was dead". I said it a lot. Anytime anything went bad, that's the first thought that came across my mind. And no one took me seriously. Thy thought it was just "teenage hormones". I hate that. No...it's not just that. Its something bigger and it's time people realized that.  After that one night though, I feel like I have to watch myself. I feel like if I say it..people will think twice about me. They'll think..oh, do we have to hide anything or make sure she can't get anything to hurt herself? I don't want people to think those things. It doesn't mean anything has changed.. I just don't want them to think of me like that. Tonight I said those words for the first time since that night.. And I immediately regretted it. I don't want my parents to change anything about my life..if that makes sense. I don't know. I can't really explain it. I just have to watch myself better I guess. 

My goal for tonight and tomorrow is to just fall asleep on my own without taking anything. I don't want to have ANY panic attacks, I have to just focus on breathing and slowing down my heart rate. 

I promise you, I WILL make tomorrow a good day. 

Well..I'm going to try my damn hardest. I probably won't do that well, but I'm still going to wake up feeling like maybe I can take on the days challenges. I encourage you do to the same. 

It's funny..when I start writing these things, I usually don't even know what I'm going to talk about. But by the end, I always feel like I went on a rant and wrote an essay :p 
Hope ya don't mind. 

What a mess

Everything is spinning out of control so fast I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I bother writing any of this. I probably shouldn't. 

Today, again, was a miserable day. I literally don't think I've stopped crying in 24 hours. And for me to even cry a little is a bad thing. I usually hold everything in until I explode. And no, I don't feel better after that happens. I feel worse. 

My entire family hates me, I feel like crap physically and mentally, and I'm just so done trying to put on an act for everyone else. I can't do it anymore. And I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of it. I mean not really, really talk. Like tell them exactly what's on my mind without being scared of what could happen if I tell them. 

The last time I started to really open up to someone, they "had to" tell my parents. Now I'm scared to talk to anyone because I'm deathly afraid of what their going to tell my parents. I don't care if you're thinking "maybe your parents knowing wouldn't be such a bad thing, maybe they could help". Nope. Wrong. Sorry, been down that path already and let me tell you, it did wayyyyy more harm than good. 

Bad part: I'm at the same point now than I was when I first started to feel my lowest a few months ago. 

Worse part: This is no where near as bad as it is going to get, and I'm already drowning. 

I have no clue what to do anymore. My head is spinning and confused and if I could, I would just go lay down somewhere completely away from the rest of the world and just break down. It's pretty much all I'm doing right now anyway. 

That's another thing I'm doing right now. I'm completely isolating myself from everyone when all I want is to have better relationships with people and not push them away. 

All I want is to be "normal" and happy, and I want to want to live. But I'm none of those things and I probably never will be. And maybe that's just something I have to accept, but ya know what? I don't want to accept that. I want to be happy and all of those other things and it sucks that I never will be. 

I'm drowning right now and even though I might think "it can't get any worse", it so can. I thought that once before and boy, I proved myself wrong. I guess it can always get worse. Wow, that's a depressing thought. 

I hate sooo much that I'm always this depressing or whatever. I just wish so much that I could be okay. I want my friends to want to talk to me and not worry about me being all stupid and depressing and "dramatic". I hate that word. Dramatic. I hate to think that people think that about me. I hate that they could be thinking "Oh there goes that girl, shes always bitching and being dramatic about something!" that's one of my biggest fears, that people think that about me. I guess thats why I hold it all in. 

Well, look how well that turned out. 

Alright I'm done for now I guess. Sorry for "bitching and being dramatic" again. I hope you're all having better days than I am. I'm still trying to stay positive though. 

Why am I here??

I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I haven't come up with any answers though. But seriously, why am I here?? I don't have any purpose, I don't mean that much to anyone else where if I was gone, they wouldn't get over it in just a few days, and there is nothing that makes me special. I'm not my parents favorite kid, my brother is way more successful than I am and always will be, and  I just don't see any real reason for me being here. Maybe everyone feels like this at some point in their life though. I wish things could be different for me. I wish I had something to look forward to or believe in, or just anything so I can think that maybe I'm good for something. 

My depression is getting to that really bad point, and maybe that's why in thinking all of this but I don't know. I just don't want to be here. I hate myself more than anything and there's nothing that defines my life in a positive way. When people think of me, they think "Oh, that's that girl who got a lot of surgeries and doesn't come to school anymore". That's my legacy. And that sucks. I'll never be anything more than that. I just don't know why I'm here if all I'm doing is wasting money and resources. 

Alright I guess I'll stop bitching now. Thanks for dealing with me I guess. 

Scared for summer

I feel pretty crappy lately. Since I'm home and do have to go to school, I don't really have to see anyone. So when Friday comes around, it really doesn't matter to me. I hate Fridays now. Yeah I don't have homeschooling for the next couple of days but it's not worth it. I like homeschooling. I get to talk to a teacher and I get better grades. I hate Fridays because while everyone else is out having fun and doing things with their friends, I'm at home because I can't walk. No one wants to sit home on a Friday night with me, it's boring. I get that.  Don't get me wrong, I do hate going out. To much anxiety. But I still want to have the options to do something, I don't know I just want to feel wanted or that I have the ability to go out if I wanted to. My best friend does come to visit me a lot though and I love that. 


I'm at the point where I just feel empty more than anything else. I'm probably not going back to school this year so I'm going to be stuck home like this all summer. I don't think I'm going to make it through the summer honestly. 

Every night I look out my window and I get to see all my neighbors running around with each other and having fun, and I can't do that. I hate it. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and I just wish I didn't have to worry about what my family would think of me if I did something about my depression. I want to do something about it but I don't know what I'm supposed to do and it's frustrating. 

I guess I'll be fine though. I'm just scared for what the summer is going to bring. I remember last summer and how horrible I got and that's when I started feeling more depressed and suicidal for the first time. I just don't want to go back to that but I feel like it's trying to avoid the inevitable. 

Don't know what to do

After the day I went to the hospital (which I'm still finding the courage to write about) they made my mom take me to a psychiatrist. 

I didn't want to go at that point..I just wanted my parents to forget about me and just leave the whole situation alone. But she took me and they prescribed me Prozac. This was about 5 or 6 weeks weeks ago, but I still haven't taken it. My mom hasn't given it to me. 

Here's my feeling about it. I don't want to be on medicine for the rest of my life, and I'm scared it's not even going to help me anyway. What if I take it and then come off it and I'm ten times worse than I was. Then I would know what it's like to be happy maybe and then never have it again. I don't want to go on it only to relapse way harder than it is now, which I see happening. 

If that happens, then maybe I'll try to do something dumb and I don't want that either. And there's also  a chance it doesn't help anyway. I know that's all just a chance, but I still don't know if I want to be on medicine. My mom hasn't even given it to me. The only thing I'd want it for is to reduce anxiety, which again, maybe it doesn't even help. 

Another huge reason against it is I do not in any way, shape, or form, want to be like my sister. She takes like a million pills a day and if I have to take something too, doesn't that mean I'm like she is?

I don't want my parents to EVER see me in the same light as her but they do. Sometimes my mom says stuff like "oh your acting just like her" when I don't even know what I did wrong. I hate that so much you don't even know. 

But if I take it, it's just another reason to resent me. Besides, I don't even know for sure if my parents will let me take it. I know they have the prescription already but they made it clear they don't want me on anything. I honestly just want to be better so bad but there's so many things in my way at this point. 

Love?

I've never really talked about my parents on here. That's because I don't exactly know how I feel about them. When the devil (my sister) is on the attack and screaming at me and criticizing or making fun of me, my parents don't do anything about it. They don't stand up for me. And that really hurts. 

However, if I were to try to stand up for myself, my parents would yell at me for it! I don't understand their logic here. Like I get the fact that thy don't want me to "antagonize" her... But if their not going to step in and at least tell her to stop, shouldn't I be able to stand up for myself? 

Today when I was eating she started making fun of me and saying "Oh my god you're eating?! You shouldn't do that you're sooo fat!"   And she was completely serious, so don't get the idea that she was joking around. My response to that was "Actually, I'm quite comfortable with my body, thank you. Oh, and dinner was AMAZING! So thanks for the concern." 

The only reason I said that was to prove that I'm better than she is and to show that she has no power whatsoever over me. 

I know I'm not fat or gross or whatever the hell she says. But it still hurts. And I want my parents to stand up for me and not always let her get away with everything. 

Another thing about my parents is that their constantly fighting with each other and they take their stress out on me quite often. I try as best as I can just to stay out of their way but  I don't know. It's just hard. 

I want so bad to have a good relationship with them but they make it so hard. All I want them to do is just show that they love me and act like it. I'm really not that bad of a kid. I mean yeah, I'm a teenager so I have my bratty days, but overall I'm really not bad. And I just wish they say "I love you" without me having to ask for it. 

I go up to them sometimes and I just ask "do you love me?" And my moms response is always - Yeah, but...  Like really? You can't just say yeah you have to add the "but" in there? It's like I have to earn it. It's supposed to be unconditional but it's not. 

And I know what you're all thinking...of course your parents love you, they just don't know how to show it. And yeah maybe that is the case, but it still sucks for me!

My parents didn't even listen to me when I told them I wanted to go to therapy or go on medicine because I'm depressed. My moms response was "Well maybe if you weren't so negative all the time you wouldn't be depressed."  Come on. I don't know, stuff like that just really bothers me. 

There's A LOT more bad things I could say about my parents but I don't want to trash talk them. I still fight for their affection every day but sometimes I just wana quit and not care whether or not they give a damn about me. 

 I'm honestly much closer to my best friends mom than I am my own parents, but I even feel bad about that because I don't know how my friend feels about it. I don't want to overstep the boundaries. 

I think my less than adequate relationship with my parents is the reason why I'm trying so desperately to have a really close relationship with someone else. I need someone to fill that gap but I don't know. My heads just messed up :/

Trying for a good day

Happy mothers day to anyone out there who is a mom. Today wasn't that bad really...I try really hard to start off the day positive and just see where it goes from there. I focused on making today a good day and not letting the stress of anyone or anything get to me. 

The only thing that got me down about today was the fact that I feel like I'm losing my friends.   Whether or not that's a rational thought, it's still one I'm unable to shake at this point. 

I feel as though my "moods" are starting to irritate people, and I feel like maybe I'm not doing as good of a job of hiding it as I thought I was. 

I don't want to push away my friends...they all mean so much to me and they keep me sane. I do have a lot of friends..but there's really only a few who I'm really, really close with and who I consider my best friends. But I often worry that maybe they don't feel the same way back, and that makes me sad. I guess that's a reflection of my bad self esteem though. Another byproduct of depression right there. 

But I'm trying to just go with the flow and hide stuff in front of my friends so they see the "happy" kid that they like. 

No one wants to be around a person who's upset and complaining all the time. (I guess that's why people consider suicide as an option too, because they don't want to be stuck with themselves if all they are is upset and feel hopeless). 

All in all I guess all that I can do is just be the best person I can be and not be affected by all the negativity around me. It's a hard thing to do but it's something I'm going to continue to work on everyday. I want to be that kid everyone loves, and I don't want to push my friends away and lose them. 

I hope everyone had a good day, but if not, there's always tomorrow. What I want everyone to do is just TRY to make tomorrow a good day. Don't let things get to you. Just try it. Look, I get it, it's tough and I KNOW it doesn't always work out well. But always try, and if you fail, there's always tomorrow again. 

Well that's my rant for the day. I hope you enjoyed :)

Bad day

Today was a horrible day. It's days just like this that is the reason I have zero trust in people. 

It's this simple. Ready?

If you say you're going to do something, then do it!!
If you don't actually plan on doing something, don't say you will!

Do you see how that concept works? It's really quite simple. See, I understand that, which is why I don't screw people over. I only say stuff if I actually plan on doing it. 

Sorry for ranting..today has just been a horrible day  with people screwing me over left and right. 

Trouble sleeping

Part of my depression is that when something happens with my body, it happens in extremes. Sleeping, eating, anything like that. 

For instance with sleep, half the time all I do is sleep, and then the other half of the time I struggle with bad insomnia. It's always like this. Either I just can't get out of bed and all I want to do is sleep and not have to think, or it's the other extreme where I'm up all night long thinking about every single thing I did wrong during the day. I literally just think of everything I wish I could change or something I regret or something stupid I said during the day. 

Yeah, trust me, I KNOW this is wrong. I know I'm supposed to live life with no regrets and I know that people are not as focused on what I say as I think they are. I know all of these things. But I still can't control my thoughts about them. 

This is where my anxiety comes from. I'm terrified to get in front of anyone and talk or even just be seen by people because I'm scared I'll say something wrong or screw up or I'll look bad and people will be constantly judging me and thinking negative things about me. 

Here's the thing. I know people really don't care that much to be as hyper-focused as I am. But that doesn't stop me from getting anxiety over it. 

But back to my sleeping problems. I get into really bad habits. Lately I have been not able to sleep at all. I just lay in bed all night miserable. I hate it. So I try to do something about it. I'll take something to sleep. Nothing bad, just melatonin or something like that, but I take way to much. See, if I know there's something out there that is going to help me sleep... What's stopping me from taking it at 6 or 7pm? Why not right? I mean, I want to be sleeping, so why not let it happen. 

That's when I get into my always sleeping pattern. But that's honestly no better than not sleeping. So eventually I'll stop taking things to help me sleep, and thats when I stop sleeping altogether. 

I don't know how to find a happy medium here. I don't know how to be on a healthy sleeping schedule. 

Maybe this is just one of those things that's always going to be a problem as long as I struggle with depression though. 

Just want someone to talk to

Tonight was just a huge mess. The whole day was really. My sister was just screaming and out of control all day and I just felt horrible about everything. This time around I feel more sad and upset than just empty, as far as my depression goes anyway. I feel like I'm fighting back the tears every single night. I'm miserable right now. 

I just want someone to talk to about everything and I wish someone would reach out to me. But I know no one ever will and I guess that's just something I have to accept. 

I want to be able to feel happy for someone else without feeling jealous. I'm jealous because they can go have fun and have good things happen to them but I can't. 

Someone can tell me something good that's going to happen to them and I'll literally want to start crying. What kind of life is that?

It's sick. 

My boyfriend or exboyfriend or whoever the hell he is right now yells at me because "I have walls up that filter out all emotion" and apparently I'm emotionless. 
That's so far from the truth though. I'm so full of emotions I'm just to scared to let any of them show. So I lock them up and no one notices the difference. 

But is it really to much to ask for just someone to reach out and want to talk to me? Maybe it is selfish though. I'm supposed to be helping others, not the other way around. I mean..I'm not the only one with problems I guess. 

Does anyone care?

I'm debating on weather or not I should go into detail about the night I thought about killing myself. I think I want to.. But only if anyone actually wants to hear about it. It's difficult opening up about but I'm willing to.

Comments about it please? It can be anonymous..I just wana know.

Everyday tasks turn impossible

Tonight at dinner, just a simple, seemingly harmless topic to others, triggered a bad anxiety attack for me tonight. But what dinner time conversation could possibly trigger a response like this?

A simple question for anyone else, caused complete chaos for my body. 

The question was this: what are you going to do this summer? 
I froze. Then my dad suggested, "why don't you go away with your friends? You always get invited". Without even thinking, I screamed out no!

Why? One reason. Anxiety. I hate going out places with other people. I get bad anxiety in social situations and it just scares me to the point where I don't even feel comfortable leaving the house. I don't know why I'm so anxious. I hate it. 

So what am I going to do this summer? Sit around and feel sorry for myself? Sounds like a great plan. I'm still going to be on crutches for a while still anyway, probably until halfway through July at least. 

I want to do something. But I can't. I have way to much anxiety to do a camp or do anything  social like that, especially if I have to do it myself and I don't have a friend with me. 

But what's the right thing to do?  Hide and let my anxiety beat me? Or go out and just feel horrible and nervous. I don't know. 

Well all my life I've tried to push through it and not let my anxiety keep me from doing things, and it seems like it's worse than ever. So maybe that's not right for me. I don't know. I don't know what to think. 

I'd like to hear suggestions about what I should do..or how to "get over" my anxiety issues. I'm really at a loss right now.