Part of my depression is that when something happens with my body, it happens in extremes. Sleeping, eating, anything like that.
For instance with sleep, half the time all I do is sleep, and then the other half of the time I struggle with bad insomnia. It's always like this. Either I just can't get out of bed and all I want to do is sleep and not have to think, or it's the other extreme where I'm up all night long thinking about every single thing I did wrong during the day. I literally just think of everything I wish I could change or something I regret or something stupid I said during the day.
Yeah, trust me, I KNOW this is wrong. I know I'm supposed to live life with no regrets and I know that people are not as focused on what I say as I think they are. I know all of these things. But I still can't control my thoughts about them.
This is where my anxiety comes from. I'm terrified to get in front of anyone and talk or even just be seen by people because I'm scared I'll say something wrong or screw up or I'll look bad and people will be constantly judging me and thinking negative things about me.
Here's the thing. I know people really don't care that much to be as hyper-focused as I am. But that doesn't stop me from getting anxiety over it.
But back to my sleeping problems. I get into really bad habits. Lately I have been not able to sleep at all. I just lay in bed all night miserable. I hate it. So I try to do something about it. I'll take something to sleep. Nothing bad, just melatonin or something like that, but I take way to much. See, if I know there's something out there that is going to help me sleep... What's stopping me from taking it at 6 or 7pm? Why not right? I mean, I want to be sleeping, so why not let it happen.
That's when I get into my always sleeping pattern. But that's honestly no better than not sleeping. So eventually I'll stop taking things to help me sleep, and thats when I stop sleeping altogether.
I don't know how to find a happy medium here. I don't know how to be on a healthy sleeping schedule.
Maybe this is just one of those things that's always going to be a problem as long as I struggle with depression though.
i've been popping 6 or 7 neurontons (anti seizure meds) to get to sleep every single day this past week. and i pop them at around 6:00. i just sort of want to sleep my life away. i totally understand what you mean. its a way of numbing our lives, our thoughts, so we don't have to face them.
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