Everything is spinning out of control so fast I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I bother writing any of this. I probably shouldn't.
Today, again, was a miserable day. I literally don't think I've stopped crying in 24 hours. And for me to even cry a little is a bad thing. I usually hold everything in until I explode. And no, I don't feel better after that happens. I feel worse.
My entire family hates me, I feel like crap physically and mentally, and I'm just so done trying to put on an act for everyone else. I can't do it anymore. And I feel like I have no one to talk to about any of it. I mean not really, really talk. Like tell them exactly what's on my mind without being scared of what could happen if I tell them.
The last time I started to really open up to someone, they "had to" tell my parents. Now I'm scared to talk to anyone because I'm deathly afraid of what their going to tell my parents. I don't care if you're thinking "maybe your parents knowing wouldn't be such a bad thing, maybe they could help". Nope. Wrong. Sorry, been down that path already and let me tell you, it did wayyyyy more harm than good.
Bad part: I'm at the same point now than I was when I first started to feel my lowest a few months ago.
Worse part: This is no where near as bad as it is going to get, and I'm already drowning.
I have no clue what to do anymore. My head is spinning and confused and if I could, I would just go lay down somewhere completely away from the rest of the world and just break down. It's pretty much all I'm doing right now anyway.
That's another thing I'm doing right now. I'm completely isolating myself from everyone when all I want is to have better relationships with people and not push them away.
All I want is to be "normal" and happy, and I want to want to live. But I'm none of those things and I probably never will be. And maybe that's just something I have to accept, but ya know what? I don't want to accept that. I want to be happy and all of those other things and it sucks that I never will be.
I'm drowning right now and even though I might think "it can't get any worse", it so can. I thought that once before and boy, I proved myself wrong. I guess it can always get worse. Wow, that's a depressing thought.
I hate sooo much that I'm always this depressing or whatever. I just wish so much that I could be okay. I want my friends to want to talk to me and not worry about me being all stupid and depressing and "dramatic". I hate that word. Dramatic. I hate to think that people think that about me. I hate that they could be thinking "Oh there goes that girl, shes always bitching and being dramatic about something!" that's one of my biggest fears, that people think that about me. I guess thats why I hold it all in.
Well, look how well that turned out.
Alright I'm done for now I guess. Sorry for "bitching and being dramatic" again. I hope you're all having better days than I am. I'm still trying to stay positive though.
I really feel for you. Drowning is the worst feeling to have. I suggest you see a counselor or even call a hotline and actually talk to someone as soon as you can, before this gets worse. All of us here ono blogger are here for you, so talk to us, too. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am dealing with something similar. I went back and deleted a bunch of posts because they were so whiny and annoying. If someone doesn't want to "hear" you complain they dont have to read it. Thats how I look at it. So put whatever you feel like on here.
ReplyDeleteThey saying how it cant get any worse must have been made up by a compleate idiot. They must of had quite a cushy and easy life.
ReplyDeleteI know bottling this up is really bad; i do it also. This may not be the best idea but do you know anyone that doesnt know your parents so you can trust they wont tell them?
I hope things start to brighten up. Best wishes.