When things got bad for me, I started losing a sense of who I was. I didn't care about what happened to me, I was just ready to throw my life away. When I looked in the mirror, I honestly had no idea who I saw. Because of all the bad decisions I was making, I felt like it completely changed me. When I would write in my journal, I would talk about how I had completely lost everything I tried so hard to be. I always tried to be the good girl, to be everyone's best friend, I strived to please, and be good enough for everyone.
But something inside of me changed. I was always the girl who thought drinking was the most horrible thing in the world..I would be disgusted by even the thought of drugs or cigarettes, and everyone considered me to be this "innocent" little kid. Well, truth be told, I'm not so little, and I'm quite far from innocent.
When I first started to make bad choices, I think I was 15. It was at be beginning of 10th grade. I was starting to make friends and become closer with all the wrong people. I met a guy who was so not right for me, and we started going out. My friends at the time were still trying to keep me "innocent". It still makes me laugh that they considered me innocent. I hate that. They knew nothing about who I really was.
Anyway, they were still trying to protect me. So they wouldn't let me drink. Well, my parents went out of town one weekend, and left me home alone. I told my friends about it, and told them they could only come over if they let me drink. 3 of my friends and my boyfriend came over. That was the first time I got drunk, and my first bad decision. I got a little better from there, but only for a few months. Later in the year (I guess maybe 14 months ago from now) was the first time I cut. Bad decision number two.
That one messed me up the most. It made me feel like I was just like her...just another reason to feel worthless in my eyes. I decided after that first time that I would never do it again. I couldn't risk the chance of people seeing me in the same light as they saw her. Especially my parents..if they ever actually found out (which I made sure they never would).
But I was okay. I was stable..until summer.
Bad choice number three, I let someone pressure me into something that to this day, I regret.
Whether or not this was directly related.. Last summer was when I really started feeling low. I started really feeling suicidal, and I was doing reckless and stupid things just because I really didn't care anymore. I didn't want to be me anymore.
Well, after summer, came this year, which was wayyyy worse than I ever could have expected. If you thought I did some dumb stuff last year, just wait until you hear about this year.
This year, my group of friends shifted once again, and I love them to death. Whether or not they actually feel the same about me, who knows.
In my main group of friends who I sometimes go and hang out with, is 5 people. Two boys, one being my now exboyfriend, and three girls including me. Whenever we hung out, we would drink. I started drinking so much that I would black out, or get really really sick. I wanted to drink so much that I didn't have to think or feel or do anything.
This has continued to this day. If there is alcohol in front of me, if I'm going to drink it, I'm going to make it count for something. It's really backwards logic though. I just few way worse and more depressed afterwards. A few months ago, I got so drunk I could barely talk or stand or even stay awake. But the next morning my friends told me that I was begging them to kill me. I guess they thought I was just talking and not being serious, because no one took me seriously or really gave a second thought about it. But I guess it is true, drunken mind speaks a sober heart.
I started craving cigarettes too. I never would've thought I would turn to that. It made me feel even lower, I couldn't believe I actually had sunk that low.
Instead of cutting, when I needed a release, I would punch brick walls and make my knuckles bleed. I thought that was a better option than cutting. But then a few months ago I just didn't care and I started cutting. A lot. It used to be, when I wanted to do that, I just would wait a few minuets or however long, and hope the urge would go away. It usually did. But then the urge stopped going away, and I would want to do it all the time. My anxiety was at an all time high, and I would just randomly start crying in the middle of school. But I feel like I already wrote way to much tonight I guess that's all for tonight.
You sound like me when I was your age. I went through the exact same thing: hanging out with the wrong crowd, cutting, doing risky things. The only thing that made me stop was my best friend who told on me to a school counselor because I had written her a suicide note and wanted to kill myself. But I got out of it, and stopped all of the bad stuff and found things to replace them. To replace the bad people in my life, I found God. To replace cutting, I started working out. To replace doing risky things, I got involved with a church group. You have many options to pull you out of this rut. If you need any help, let me know.
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