It never ends!

It really never ends. So you know my scum bag exboyfriend? We broke up like a week ago. Ya know, after I went through the hardest and most traumatic time of my life for HIM, and he already has a new girlfriend. 

Um...Haha I wonder if she knows he got me pregnant. If she knows he FORCED me into an abortion. If she knows he cheated on me. If she knows how much drugs he does. If she knows how much he verbally bashed me every single day. You go girl, you're gettin a real winner!

I make it sound like a big joke, but it actually hurt like hell. Obviously he was cheating on me with her while all this was going on. He didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. I found out through Facebook. Good right? Whatever. Karma is a bitch and he'll get his eventually. 

I haven't been eating at all. I just haven't been hungry. My anxiety is like off the charts and I can't even breathe anymore. 

My fucking best friend moved to Florida yesterday. I went to her going away party and it was fun until I had to say goodbye. I'm no good at goodbyes. They always seem to mean more to me than other people. Like, it really is goodbye for me. I don't know. 

I've been smoking soo much lately too. I need to. Like, I just can't not smoke. I'm drinking this weekend too thank god. It's been wayyyy to long since I've had alcohol. I think about it everyday. How I just wish I was fucked up and drunk so I didn't have to think or feel. 

Wanna hear what else? I'm getting surgery. February 14th. Valentines day. I find that to be quite ironic and funny. 

The pain of any surgery is nothing compared to the pain I felt when I was with him. 

I'm just not thrilled to be getting surgery. Especially when I'm at this much of a downward spiral. It's just funny because I can't talk to anybody about any of this. No one understands. It's all too heavy for them and they don't know how to deal with it so, they just don't. Whatever...we will all see where this leads. They'll all figure it out sooner or later. 

Why do I feel so different?

Why does my brain work differently than others? I'm not just talking about my depression and anxiety, but I mean really different. Like, the whole bigger picture.

I think differently than other people. I see things they don't see. I understand things they can't even begin to imagine. I'm more realistic, down to earth, observant, and aware.  I'm not normal. It's not normal. I'm not just talking about like, regular things. Maybe you are going to have absolutely no idea what I'm trying to say, but I'm going to try anyway.

All my life I've felt different. Almost special. Like I can do things and understand things other people can't. I hate myself more than words can describe. But always since I was little, there has always been SOMETHING different that I just don't understand and can't explain. And other people see it in me too. My guidance counselor, teachers, even my parents recognize it sometimes. And for my parents to recognize it, means something is really there.

My whole life I have always wanted to make a difference to someone. I want to make an impact. Change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but the world of somebody. I feel like I was born different. Born with the ability to change something or do something important. I don't know what it is, but I feel so disconnected and different than everyone else.

I have an amazing ability to notice the unnoticeable.  Observe the most insignificant of details. Be able to tell when someone is lying. Focus on something like you would never think possible. I'm an amazing writer, and always seem to find the right words to explain something, even when I can't say it outloud. I can always write it. I just feel so overly aware of absolutely everything. And I can read emotions off of someone's face like a book. It's almost like a game sometimes. Like go ahead, try to play me like a fool. I'm smarter than you think. I see through some people like clear plastic wrap. And it's funny because they have no idea. I must have developed that skill because of my sister. Since she has BPD and a million other things, I learned at a young age how to pick out the manipulative lies from the truth. No ones a better liar than her, and she doesn't fool me. Still fools my parents though.

My brain is always going. Never shuts off. It's always thinking about how to do things differently than how something is working now, or always trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. By looking at someone's face, I feel like I can almost read there thoughts based on their composure. It's weird. I've always been like that. I think that's where my anxiety stems from. I'm fully aware of when my presence isn't wanted, or someone is in a bad mood but I don't know why. Social anxiety disorder. I really think my skills in reading other people is a bigger obstacle than it is an asset.

Maybe this all sounds completely crazy. I think that sometimes. That other people must think I'm completely nuts. That frustrates me. I'm not crazy at all. I'm one of the calmest and most down to earth people I know. And listen, for me to give myself any credit whatsoever is ridiculously rare. So you know its not bullshit.

I don't want my life to go to waste. I want to find my purpose. I need to. In order for me to feel important, or like I'm not just wasting a life, I need to be able to do something important. I don't want to do insignificant things. I don't want to work at a bakery and serve people coffee and bagels. Yeah, I'm only 17 and have the whole rest of my life ahead of me, but what if I dont? What if my life ended tomorrow, or next week, or 3 years from now? What will my life have meant? Who will I have affected? Was I just a waste of space and resources?

Maybe I'm not different or special, but I'm at least a hell of a lot more aware of myself and social cues than anyone I know. I get overwhelmed with details sometimes. Like I have to try to remember everything about a new room I walk into, and every feature on a new person I meet. It gets frustrating when I can't absorb everything. My mom notices that about me. She sees how whenever we go into a new area, my eyes are darting everywhere and my brain is going a million miles an hour. I don't know why I do it. I think it just helps me understand more about the world. Why things are the way the are. Why people do certain things.

I'm always that person that has to know why things are the way they are. I hate not knowing, but I hate not understanding more. If I don't understand something, I'll ask a million questions and read about it until I do.

Or I'll write on here and ask you guys for your opinions. Why do you think I'm like that? What can I do in my life to find a purpose, or to help someone else, or just do something important?  I feel like I need to do something important. I always feel like it's up to me to save the world. Guess that's why I never bother to try to save myself. But seriously, what can I do? Please give me some input.

Alright, well that's my thoughts of the day. Hope I didn't confuse you as much as I confused myself!

UPDATE:

June 22nd, 2021

Hey guys! The fact that this post is still reaching this much of an audience is seriously amazing. It is one of my favorites that I've ever written and remains very authentic and true to how I feel and see the world. I wanted to let you know that I've started writing again and have a new blog up. If you're interested, you can find it here:

Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

Thanks for all the love over the years.

Hope you all are hanging in there. Much love. 

 

This one's for you.

So you know have when you lose someone, you usually go through the 5 stages of grief? Well, I've been doing that. Switching back between insane anger and debilitating depression. Im only angry at one person. And you sure as hell know who you are. And if you're reading this, which I never wanted you to in the first place, this is for you. 

I hate you so much for everything you put me through. You don't have the right to be mad at me, and to say the things that you say to me. You think I used you our whole relationship. Well, that logic is severely flawed because I never got anything from you, so how could I use you. We never even went on dates. "Hanging out" was always having sex in the back of your car. I never wanted it. That's why I never wanted to hang out. I hated all the fucking pressure every time.  And yeah, we talked about it. But when I told you I wanted to hang out with no pressure, you never wanted to come around then. I'm not talking about recently. I'm talking about over the summer and our entire relationship before then. It was only after the party at your house that I actually wanted to have sex with you. Every other time I just agreed, to keep you around. 

But even that didn't work because you still cheated on me. And that hurt like you'll never know, because I always thought you'd be the guy to never cheat. To be honest with you, I still think there are more times than I know about that you cheated. And I'll probably never know. That's just something I'm going to have to accept. 

As I write this now, I'm wearing your sweatshirt. The one I had to ask you for. We had been together for a long time, and I wanted something of yours I could have when I couldn't be with you. I wanted you just to give me one. But I had to ask. I still wear it sometimes. And I still get a flood of memories every time I see it. 

I don't want to hate you. I don't want to resent you. I wish we never got in the position we put ourselves in. But more importantly, I wish we both handled it better. I wish you didn't say all the demeaning and hurtful things, I wish you didn't force me into what you forced me into, and I wish you weren't turning to what you're turning to now. I told you what would happen if I got an abortion. I don't know if you didn't listen, you didn't care, or you didn't believe me. But either way, it's not like you didn't know what it would do to me. You just didn't stick around to see the affect. 

I'm not trying to make you look like the bad guy. I'm just saying how I feel. And I know you don't believe it and you think I'm ignorant and don't know what I'm talking about, but I do. I loved you for 3 years of my life. Whether or not you believe that. This wasn't meant to hurt you. I hope you actually never read this. 

But writing on here is my only safe way of venting. There is a reason I didn't want people I know to read this or even know about it. But you found it and I can't control that. I'm over it. I don't want to hate you, but right now that feeling is clouding everything else. 

I gave up on life. I just don't think I'm strong enough anymore. 

Hate and regret

Okay. Here it is. On Wednesday I got an abortion. I did not want to. I was fighting it all the way. I had no choice. It was either that, or get thrown out of my house, have no support from the dad or my own family and be living on the streets with no insurance. I considered it. I considered making it work, seeing what I could do to change everyone's mind. I tried. Everyday I tried.

I told everyone what it would do to me if they made me go through with it. I told them very bluntly. I guess they didn't believe me.

This past week has been hell for me. I'll never be able to explain the pain I'm going through. So yeah, I planned my suicide. It surrounds my every thought. I couldn't function. I didn't want to anymore. I still don't. A huge part of me died on Wednesday. January 18th. A day I will never forget.

I gave up on my life. I stopped trying, I stopped caring. I stopped talking to everyone around me. I'm mad at everyone and I resent them so much for what they forced me into. I want to blame them. I didn't have a choice in what I did. It would have been different if I had made the choice on my own. But I didn't. It wasn't what I wanted.

If I could go back, well, I'd go back and not get pregnant. But I wouldn't have done what I did. I wouldn't have let push me into it.

Every day is misery. I can't stop crying, I can't stop being angry and upset and hating my life. Every day I think of how much I want to quit. I hate my parents for not supporting me. But I hate them more for thinking I'm supposed to be okay and happy right now. They think I'm upset because I'm trying to manipulate them into something. I'm not, obviously.

Sorry I'm upset. Sorry I can't put on a happy face anymore. I'm sorry I just can't do this. I'm trying to pull myself together...but it's hard to want to live when I'm this deep into my depression.

At a loss for words..

A lot has happened with me lately. I'm hurting really really badly. I'm not ready to talk about it yet though. 

I'm just a huge freaking mess. I'm at the point where I just don't think I can do this anymore. I'm angry and I'm frustrated and I'm hurting. I need support and help, and both of those things I don't have. It sucks. I'm at a loss. 

No motivation...

I just have absolutely no motivation anymore. No reason to get out of bed, to get dressed, to literally do anything. All I do is sit like a fucking bum and do nothing. 

And I guess no one sees any sort of problem in this. I refuse to leave my house, even talking to people is becoming a seemingly impossible task. I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away. My anxiety is spiking severely too. I can't control my mind. It's wandering to every bad thought that I don't want to think about. 

How the hell do I get outside of my head? I don't want to be trapped like this. I want to feel better. I don't want to be in this situation. I want to be dead. That's it. That's my goal in life. To stop all the pain. No one listens to me long enough to take me seriously anyway. It sucks. 

I'm never going to be me again. I'm never going to be happy, or enjoy life, or go out with "friends" or do anything. I literally can't find enough energy to open my mouth to respond to my parents when they ask me something. I just grunt. I guess they're used to that though. 

My stupid parents care about my dog more than they care about me. I guess that makes sense. My dog never got pregnant. She never tried to kill herself and she doesn't hate her life and want to die. I would care more about my dog than I would about me too. 

I feel nauseous and depressed and tired and anxious and I don't want to do this anymore. I can't. I've never felt this much pain in my life and I need it to stop. 

Depression is like...the weather?

I came home from school early today. I just needed at least part of the day to myself so I could just unwind. I really wish I could've talked to my guidance counselor, but she wasn't there. She won't be there tomorrow either. I hope shes doing okay too. 

Do you ever feel like sometimes your just trapped in this whirlwind of emotions that you just can't get out of? I feel like that. I feel like I'm trapped inside of my own mind. It's a frustrating thing to think about. 

My depression has seriously taken a toll for the worse. I feel like just an old, stray, and abused dog who is just looking to anyone and anything for love and protection. I really am just looking for somebody to be my hero. But I know that's unrealistic. I have to be my own hero. 

I think I'm starting to realize that the only person who can save me, is me. No matter what anyone says, what anyone does, at the end of the day, I'm the only one who can change me. And I think that scares me so much because I don't believe in myself. I don't think I'm capable of saving myself. I feel like every time I try, I dig myself deeper into the hole I'm already in. 

This is something I would love to share with everyone who doesn't understand depression, or anxiety disorders, or anything along the lines of that:
Depression is very much like the weather. It is what it is. If it's raining, it's raining. If it's snowy, than it's snowy. There isn't a thing that ANYBODY can do about it, no matter how hard we try. Sure, we can get an umbrella, and we can dress differently, but its only a mask. You strip away all the materialistic items, and all you're left with is the fact that it's raining. Or snowing. 

Depression is the same simply because it IS what it IS. We don't choose it, we can't change it no matter how hard we try, and we can't just pretend it's not there. It's just not that easy. 

But another thing about the weather, is that no matter how rainy, the sun will always come out. Be it for a day, or an hour, or however long. It will come again. It can rain for weeks and weeks, but there will always be some sunshine. That's what I think we all need to keep focusing on. I've been waiting for my sun for almost 4 years now. I know it will come soon. 

I'm just hoping there are no more hurricanes any time soon. 

I'm predicting another crazy day...

I think tomorrow is going to be one of those..crazy days I have quite often. I don't know exactly whats going to happen...but I think it might be a little drama filled. So I'm not quite looking forward to that. 

Today was a really rough day. My assistant principle sent me to the Time Out Room because he saw me walking around the school and he asked if I was okay, and I said not really. I made an appointment at planned parenthood for next Wednesday but I don't think I'm going to go. I can't. It's too much to deal with...to hard. 

I can't stop eating, and then I look at myself and feel so disgusting and nasty so then I puke. And then I just starve myself the next day. 

Lately I just feel really...numb. And at peace. And that's not good, because I'm never at peace. It makes me think that I subconsciously made my decision. And not a good one, if you know what I mean. I don't know..I just have a baddd feeling about tomorrow. Wish me luck. 

Insanity

Please tell me. How do I stop hurting this bad. I almost killed myself last night. Let me just tell you how INSANE yesterday was. 

Me and my parents got into a hugeeeee fight. My mom grabbed me and threw me across the room and my dad had to catch me. Then she kicked me out, so I left and started walking. Then they got in the car and made me get in because I was supposed to go to therapy. The reason for the fight in the first place was because I found out both my parents were going into therapy with me...which was completelyy not okay. Every time my parents come with me, I always end up getting in trouble. I refused to go in with them. Then I refused to talk to my therapist once my parents left because I was so mad.

So I went to bed when I got home. That wasn't even the crazy part. I went to bed at around 8. I woke up numerous times throughout the night, to what I thought was my sister walking around and being dumb. I dismissed it, and fell back asleep. Then at around 1am, the doorbell rang. At that point, I was officially confused. My first thought is that it had to be the cops. I mean...who else would it be at 1 in the morning? 

So I looked out my window...and yes, it was a cop car. Fully awake at this point. I was freaking out. I thought they were there for me! I was so scared. Then I was listening, and I learned it was because of my sister. Apparently she didn't come home and spent like 500 dollars with my moms credit card at Walmart. 

Eventually the cops found her in some parking lot. At 3am. How ridiculous is that? As if we weren't poor enough, she has to go and steal a credit card like that and buy that much stuff? It's insane. I'm telling you..my life isn't normal. 

If the cops weren't already there last night...who knows what the hell wouldve happened. 

Help

I'm the most depressed I've ever been, the most suicidal, the most alone, and the most fucked up. I keep screaming out for help but no one listens. No one cares. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what help I want or need anymore. I'm just a mess. I can't take this...

I'm at the point where I don't even know which way is up. I break down crying every other minuet it feels like. Maybe it's the depression, or the hormones, or the fact that I'm not taking my medicine anymore, or maybe it's all of the above. All I know is it sucks. I'm doing things I never even thought I would do...if I don't have anyone to be healthy for...I'm not going to be healthy..certainly not for myself. 

No one cares anymore. No one. Not even my guidance consoler or anyone else who I thought would always have my back. They gave up on me too. Maybe it's time I give up on myself. 

This is killing me

I spent the weekend with my cousins. It was such a nice relief. I got to play with my 3 year old and 8 month old cousins. I spent a lot of time talking to both of my cousins. My one cousin Amy is going to call planned parenthood for me tomorrow. She is going to take me there. Thank god I have at least one person who is there for me no matter what choice I make. It's funny, I say "choice" but I have no choice. If I have this baby, I'll be out living in the streets with no money and no shelter. My parents will throw me out, ill have no place to go and it'll be horrible. But I can't go through with anything else. I'm so scared. I'm being forced into what I'm most against of and it's killing me. 

Today is my two year anniversary with Brian. We barely talked all day. I resent him so much for all of this. I hate this situation so much, I can't even begin to tell you. 

Today I spent all day working out at the gym. That killed my legs. Then I puked a good 6 or 7 times because I had to eat pizza. I'm kind of glad I have school tomorrow just so I can get out of this stupid house. I'll probably end up cutting a lot tonight. I don't know. I'm so miserable and the only people who care about me live 2 hours away. 

I wish they could adopt me. I wish I could disappear. Please kill me. I can't do this...  

This is something I read online. I feel exactly the same way. 

Month One
Hi Mommy!
I am only 3/4 of an inch long, but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb!
If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three
You know what Mommy?
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too.
I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four
Mommy,
My hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too

Month Five
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby!
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven
Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus' arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just:
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

And in case you're wondering, no, I didn't write that, but I would be honored to shake the author's hand.