How can they do this? Why?

How can they all do this to me? How can my parents want to kill their grandchild? How could Brian want to kill his son or daughter? How could she just leave me like that? How can everyone betray me so easily when I need them the most. 

How is everyone SO selfish when I strive to live my life to be as selfless as I can? I just don't understand. Why did all of this happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? 

I know they say life's not fair, and trust me I know that, but this is just taking it above and beyond the normal realms of typical "life obstacles". I need help and I have absolutely no one. It's ridiculous! 

My life has gone to shit and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it or make it better. Im completely lost and alone. Am I going to make it out of this mess alive? I really just don't think so. 

I can't take being at home. It's so unhealthy for me. My sister is just getting worse and worse and taking it out on me and overdosing on her medicine nonstop and there is nothing anyone will do to stop her. 

I haven't left my stupid house once this break. Don't I deserve to go out and have fun and get my mind off of things too? No. I guess not. Because my best friend left me and took my other friends with her. And I don't think she knows just how bad that hurt me. How could you do that? How?

That's all I have to say about anything anymore. How and why. It just doesn't make sense. Doesn't add up. I'm going to die. 

Is this really how my life turned out?

Here's a fact: women who get an abortion are 6x more likely to commit suicide. Now, that's for a normal person. Combine that with my track record, you're pretty much BEGGING for disaster. 

 I'm trying to be okay. I'm really trying. But this is all just to much for me. I feel like I completely lost my entire support system. They just disappear when I need them most. Pretty typical of people by nature I guess. Kinda sucks though. Oh well. 

I'm sleeping over my cousins house on Friday night. Thank god. He called me today to check up on me. Everything he says to me makes so much sense. Maybe its just that I respect him so much. I can't believe this. Just my whole life. 

If you had told me that at 17 years old, I would be this depressed, this anxious, this suicidal, had 4 surgeries (and counting) gotten pregnant, and gotten taken away by the cops because of threatned suicide, I would've laughed in your face. No. Not me. I'm the innocent one. I'm the good girl. I'm the one everyone loves. 

Well, not anymore. Now I'm the one everyone hates.  

Tis the freaking season.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and Hanukah. My cousins came over today. I saw their two kids, one 3 years old and one 8 months old. I love both of them. I went on a drive with my cousin, just me and him, and I told him everything. He actually gave me really great advice.

Out of everyone I've talked to, he was the only one who said things that actually made sense to me. I can't believe I'm in this position. I just can't. But I'm more clear on what I have to do now. I hate my life so much. I just can't do this. New years resolution- get my shit together. That won't happen though.

I'm on such a serious decline right now I don't even know what to do. I had been throwing up and starving myself so much lately. If I weren't pregnant..I would be starving myself like crazy this week.

I wish I had my friends to talk to about any of this. Not even to talk to about this, just talk to in general. But nope. My best friend left me. And I still don't know why. Probably deserved it though. I deserve all the shit I get.

Can you tell how bad I'm doing? I'm a freaking emotional, hormonal mess and I have no one. This holiday season has been the worst one of my whole life. And probably the last one too. Whatever. I just really can not believe this is how my life has turned out. Merry Christmas.

Oh crap

So here's some news for all of you. Remember how I said I was scared of a mistake I made? Well, I'm pregnant. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared out of my mind. I want to keep the baby but my boyfriend is begging me to get an abortion.

I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy. I feel so alone. It's a really great thing how my emotions are going crazy because of hormones right now and I had to stop taking my zoloft cold turkey. Yeah all of these things are a great combination.

My surgery was cancelled. That also sucks because you have no idea how bad my legs hurt. I hate my life so much. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting and I just hate myself. I wish I could starve myself until I lose weight again, but now I can't.

I can't do this. I can't. I need help and support and I don't have any.

Rough day

I broke up with Mike last night. I did it because I wasn't happy with him. He was to immature and just didn't understand the parts of me I need people who are close to me to understand. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel. 

I'm getting surgery in 9 days and I'm so terrified. Because I broke up with mike, one of my best friends is super pissed at me. She told me she didn't want to be friends anymore. That really hurts. If she wants to walk out of my life, thats her decision. It sucks but I can't do anything about it. She ignored me all day and I confronted her during my lunch period and she ignored me and told me she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore. It hurt me a lot. I went home after it happened. I almost had a huge breakdown in school. That would've sucked.

I'm so stressed out about everything. I'm not going to eat until I feel better about my body again. Probably around a 3 or 4 day fast. Not like anyone will care or notice. I only get in trouble by my stupid parents whenever people try to help me. It sucks. 

My insomnia is back with a vengeance. I haven't been sleeping at all. I hung out with my exboyfriend Brian last night and I just couldn't sleep at all after. I had a really nice time with him. I miss him a lot. We went to ihop. He made me eat. 

I like when he shows that he cares about me. I wish he could come to the hospital with me when I got surgery. I wish someone would. I hate hurting and feeling so alone. 

Silence

I got in trouble at school again today. Now, I always say trouble, but I guess it's not really trouble. Everyone is just "concerned" about me. Yeah right.

I guess a bunch of my teachers went to my guidance counselor and school social worker and told them I'm doing really badly. I guess it's pretty apparent on the outside too. They called my mom. Needless to say, my mom screamed at me when I got home. She was telling me how I need to stop talking (even though I didn't say anything) and how I need to stop "looking for attention". Fine mom. If silence is what you want, silence is what you get.

She wants me to just quit talking to people. Not my friends, not my guidance counselor, and not my teachers. Yeah, because bottling it up has worked so well for me in the past. Whatever. I'm done.

And the craziness continues!

Sooo on Monday I did go to my guidance counselor. I told her I was suicidal and I wanted to kill myself over the weekend and that I wanted help. They knew my parents wouldn't do shit to help me. They called 911 to take me to the hospital. I was so terrified. 

I refused to talk to or even see my parents. Once I got to the hospital, I told them what happened and they saw the cuts all over my ribs. I begged them to put me inpatient. I told them I was going to kill myself if left by myself. 

The lady at the hospital sent me home. She said I didn't need it. She told me I needed to get out of my house, but that's it. Didn't offer me any other solutions. My parents were so pissed at me. My mom wasn't even at the fucking hospital with me. She refused to go. My dad yelled at me the entire way home and then they both did the next morning. I haven't slept at home since it happened. 

They took my phone away and took  my texting away. I guess they do just want me to isolate myself. I'm afraid of myself. I haven't been left alone since this whole thing happened. I don't blame everyone around me for not trusting me. 

It just sucks. I FINALLY reach out for help and it just completely backfired. Obviously I'm fine. Obviously I don't need help. 

Enough is enough

I made it past this weekend. So far. That kind of surprises me. My sister has been acting up a lot lately. Last night she was up all night screaming and slamming doors and being crazy. My mom freaked out on her. They're fighting again right now. Figures, the first time I sit down all weekend to relax and I can't even relax because everyone is screaming.

I had a good day at work today. The people I work with all seem to really like me. I like to joke around with my customers and make them smile. I love making people laugh. They seem to tip me better when I do that anyway.

I wish everyone would stop screaming. It makes me sad. I can't stop being so depressed. I'm really having a rough time. I cut so much this weekend. Last night I took so many sleeping pills to fall asleep at 6pm. I slept almost 12 hours. I'm exhausted now too. It's only 6:30.

I gotta get out of this house. I wish I got taken away with my friend when she went to the hospital. I think I might go tomorrow. I can't deal with this anymore...it's ridiculous. I think I'm going to go to my guidance counselor and just tell her I'm not scared of my parents anymore. I need help. I'm scared. If I don't, my friends probably will anyway. I don't know. I'll try to keep you updated. If I don't, it's because I'm probably in the hospital. Wish me luck.

Beyond a crazy day...

Yesterday was a beyond crazy day. Me and my friend were going to go up and talk to my guidance counselor, but she told us to go away and come back later in the day. We were both on the verge of seriously breaking down. After first period, we went into the bathroom and my friend started cutting her wrist. After that I went to class, and she just hung out around school not going to class. I came out of class numerous times throughout the day to see her and to talk about our plans. We were going to try and find someone to take us to a hospital after school. She was trying to find us a ride.

During 6th period, she told me to meet her in the bathroom. She texted me right as I was about to leave saying not to come, because her guidance counselor and the school social worker found her and took her up to guidance.

A few minutes later, the phone rang in the classroom and I started freaking out. I knew it had to be for me. I thought I was getting in trouble too. My teacher hung up the phone and said nothing. My heart was pounding. A few minuets after that, the security guard came into my classroom and told me I needed to come with her. I know this security guard pretty well she's really nice, but I was sill terrified.

She took me up to guidance, where I sat in a room with my assistant principle and the school social worker. Both of whom I know very well, and they both love me. I guess I have a way with adults. Anyway, they started asking me questions, and then they asked me if I had a razor blade or any other weapon on me. I was like...no? And they believed me.

They let me go, but didn't want me to go back to class because they didn't want me to like have a nervous breakdown in class I guess. My assistant principle took my phone so I couldn't find out anything that was going on. I went into the Time Out Room (TOR),  which is a room where kids who are in trouble or kids who just need a mental break go. I'm in there a lot, but I'm never in trouble so everyone likes me in there.

A little bit after I get there, I see an ambulance drive away. I was freaking out. I knew it was my best friend in there. I was supposed to be with her. The teacher in TOR noticed I was visibly upset and came to talk to me. Then she bought me food which made me calm down.

During 8th period, my guidance counselor and the school social worker (who I love) came to talk to me. The first thing I said was "I guess I know who was in that ambulance, huh". They both looked at each other and started laughing. They were amazed that I knew that. They were trying to keep that from me. That's the reason they took my phone away. I wanted to tell them everything right then and there, but I couldn't. They already had to much to deal with today.

My guidance counselor said something to me that I'll never forget. She told me I'm a nurturer. I always take care of everyone else's needs before my own. I know that's very true. She also said this:

I have never given up on anyone. I always see the good in them, and try to help them through everything. I have never given up on anyone - except myself.

And she's so right. I don't know when or why I gave up on myself, but I did. I'm scared for today. I don't know what's going to happen to me. Wish me luck.

Spilling all my secrets

I'm considering spilling my guts tomorrow to my guidance counselor. Telling her everything. That I'm suicidal, cutting, everything. I'm scared to. I know I need to get better...but I remember the last time I tried that. Yeah..kinda backfired.

I guess if I don't post for a while..it's cause they sent me inpatient. I'll try to keep you updated  as much as possible. Wish me luck. 

Big trouble

I hope everybody had a good Thanksgiving. My cousins came over and I got to see their 2 kids, Alex who is 3 and Zoe who 7 months. I love them.  Seeing them made me sad because I was watching how their family functioned and there is just so much love. That made me upset because I don't have that. 

After they left, I hung out with my exboyfriend. And oh boy...did I screw up. I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason we broke up. There's a reason I'm now with Myk.  I feel so lonely all the time and so I always go back to Brian. I hate myself for it.

And now I might be in big trouble. I'm scared.

My depression is getting way worse. I can't even get out of bed anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. 

Loner

The fact that I have to get surgery again is ripping me apart. I told my friends very clearly that if I had to get surgery again, my mental state would probably severely worsen. 

And oh, have I gotten worse. It seems like every time I hit rock bottom...I get a little lower each time. Things will never get better because there always getting worse. I haven't eaten in like 3 days. I've been cutting, smoking, everything bad you can think of I can almost guarantee I've done lately. 

When I need all my friends the most no one is there. I'm more of a loner than I've ever been and it hurts. I need people to lean on but they're to busy with their own shit I guess. 

I wish someone would be there for me like I know I would be there for them. No one cares though. But it's fine...I guess I'm used to it. All I want in this world is love. I just want someone to really love me. But that will never happen. 

Forget gifts. All I want for Christmas this year is love and happiness. Too bad Santa can't wrap that up and give it to me. 

The update part 2

Went to my orthopedist  Friday. I'm getting surgery again the week before Christmas. Incredibly bummed about this. Can't say I wasn't expecting it though. 

I've been doing real bad lately. My eating habits are...doing rather horribly. I might be getting into a hospital though. My friend wants me to. But I'm not sure if I want to, or rather if I'll be allowed to. 

I feel disgusting. Every time I look in the mirror I want to break the mirror. I hate myself. I don't want to get surgery and I don't want to be depressed. 

Update part 1

Oh wow what a crazy week...so I went to that party on Saturday. Had a good 14 shots of Bacardi. I was just a tad drunk. Apparently I was all over my ex all night saying how he was the only one who loved me or something. I crave attention even when I'm drunk I guess. Apparently I disappeared for a good 15 minuets at the end of the night with him. God only knows what happened. I blacked out.

I had work at 6am the next morning. That worked out well...

Last night I had my doctor appointment and it was dumb. They barely did anything. They told me to go back to my orthopedist, so now I have an appointment with him for this Friday. I just want to feel better.

I completely broke down today. I fucked up so bad the other night. I'm so full of regrets and hatred towards myself. I can't say what I did just yet because no one knows about it.

I wish I could take everything back. I wish I could stop being in so much pain. I keep doing these things to sabotage myself and it's horrible. I don't want to push my friends away but I do. I don't want to cut, but I do. I did tonight.

Today has been a horrible day and I can guarantee that tomorrow will be worse.

Party time

So tonight I'm going to a party. At my exboyfriends house. Yes, I told Mike about it and he said it was okay. I'm not going to do anything with anybody there. My friends are going with me and its just going to be a fun night with no drama. I hope. I just really want to get out of my house and have fun.

My sister overdosed yesterday with both me and my mom in the kitchen. She blamed me for it. I love how everything she does is my fault. Whatever, typical day I guess. That's why I need a break. I'm just stressed. I have work at 6am tomorrow. That should be interesting. I had to wake up at 5 this morning to to visit a college. Ugh.

Like I said, this is going to be one hell of a night. Can't wait to let loose for a little while. I'll let you know how everything goes, if I'm still alive, and if any drama happened tomorrow. Wish me luck tonight! :)

I hate this

Let me just be blunt here. This depression is a real bitch. I'm so sick of it controlling my life, my thoughts, and my actions. Last night my boyfriend, my best friend, and one of my other friends came over. It was a great night. Nothing went wrong and it was just an awesome time. I was in a fine mood all night.

And then I wasn't. I just got really lonely feeling and upset and depressed and I just wanted everyone to leave at that point. I really wish it didn't have to be like that. I did a lot of dumb stuff yesterday too. I purged for the first time and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for everything.

I can't take this anymore. Its not fair. All I want is to be happy, or to feel less alone, or just to even be able to eat a meal without feeling guilty afterwards. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel any better.

My stomach kills, I'm constantly lonely, and I'm just miserable. Oh yeah, I have my doctor appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully that goes well...

Here's a shocker...

I went to visit a college yesterday because I had the day off from school. College was nice - but I couldn't exactly focus.

Remember how I told you I was getting MRIs on Friday to see what was wrong with my legs? Well I got the results back yesterday. My doctor called me when I was at the college.

I want everyone to take a few seconds to think about what could possibly be wrong with me (well, besides what we already know haha). Why does my hip hurt so bad, why is it so swollen, etc. Just think for a minute.

10...
9...
8...
7...
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

Okay...did you think? Come up with any logical answers? If you did I'd like you to comment what you thought.

Here's the shocker. I have a huge cyst on my ovary. Now if ANY of you were thinking that...kudos to you because this took me by COMPLETE surprise. I was shocked, scared, anxious and worried when I found out. I'm used to being screwed up mentally and othopedically. Not like this.

This is why this is bad. It is huge. It definitely has to be taken out - that means more surgery. Ovarian cysts are common - but they usually go away after your next period and don't cause any symptoms. Most women only find them by accident. Mine causes every single symptom in the book. Also, the MRI said it was very dense in nature. They are supposed to be fluid filled. And mine didn't go away.

Here's the kicker. It could be cancerous. Yeah I'm only 17 but ovarian cancer doesn't discriminate. The fact that I have every single symptom and that it is causing sooo much pain and it's so dense is very worrisome to me and my doctor.

My next step is to make a doctor appointment with a gynecologist and get an ultrasound and the CA-125 test done, which is a blood test that tests for the cancer. Needless to say, I'm pretty scared. If any of you have been through something similar or anything, let me know your story and what happened.

Misery

I'm just too numb for words. This weekend I worked 13 hours, made a good amount of money, but of course I had to give it to my parents. I came home exhausted and in a ton of pain.

I really wanted to go out and do something fun after work today just to de-stress  and escape my thoughts for a little bit but of course I didn't. No one wanted to do anything. I guess I'm too tired to do anything anyway.

I need to smoke and drink. I'm dreading school tomorrow. Just another day of torture. I keep having these nightmares...I'm sure that's not helping my insomnia. I've been having nightmares since last year but they just seem to be getting worse.

I need to know that this will get better. Because I don't believe that it will. It's not just kids who are depressed, it's adults too. So why would my depression just magically go away. Why not just end the pain now.

I need to be with someone who loves me and pays attention to me. I need to just be out of my house and I don't know how. I really am miserable.

Rough week.

So I met yet another new therapist. This one is a guy. He seemed alright...he talked most of the time though which I didn't mind I guess. 

The other night I drank a lot. Then I cut. Then I broke down.  Typical night I guess. My new therapist wants me to come twice a week. I guess he sees how screwed up I am. I want to live somewhere else. Just anywhere else. Somewhere someone will love me and take care of me and just make me feel safe. I guess I'll never have that though. 

I got MRIs and x-rays today. I'm scared for the results. I don't want more surgery but I don't want them to do nothing either. Because I'm in a lot of pain.

I just can't catch a break. If it's not the mental stuff it's the physical stuff. I haven't been sleeping either. I actually fell asleep in the MRI machine. That says a lot. First of all, I can never ever sleep where I feel like people can see me, and also it's really really loud in there. That shows how exhausted I am. 

I made a pro and con list of if I should kill myself or not. The reasons to kill myself were about twice as much as the reasons not to.  Obviously I'm doing so much better. Hah. I wish. 

Why me?

Got sent to the hospital again on Sunday. This time we actually made it inside. They discharged me and now I'm home. Wasn't allowed out on Halloween, big shock there I guess. 

Today I ate so fucking much. Now I feel disgusting and refuse to eat for probably 3 days. I can't stop shaking and crying right now. All I want is to be loved. I just want someone to hug me and take care of me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I've never had that and I never will. 

I'm pretty sure this is a problem: I see my guidance counselor as more of a mom to me than my own mom. I wish she could adopt me. That would make me happy. It's not normal to feel so attached to someone like a guidance counselor. Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to hurt so bad?

When is this all going to end. Tonight I made a pro and con list of if I should commit suicide or not. Let's just say there were about twice as many reasons to die than there were to live. If that's not a problem then I don't know what is. 

I wish so badly that I could believe someone when they told me they love me. Or that I could want to live or that I at least know things will get better. I know they won't get better. I'll always feel this horrible emptiness and hollowness and it's not fair. 

Why me? Why do I have to have all this hardship? I really don't know how much longer I can hold on. 

If you're wondering why I'm mad...

So yesterday I got in even more trouble. My guidance counselor pulled me out of class 9th period, right before the end of the day. I had no idea what to expect, I couldn't even imagine what else I could have done to get in trouble. 

I had to stay after school for a good 2 hours. It was miserable. I was with my guidance counselor, my principle, and my assistant principle. They were all talking to me about being suicidal and cutting and everything else. I wanted to open up and be honest but I can't because I'm scared. I'm constantly living my life in fear. Of my parents, of my friends, of everything. 

Then my mom came and everything changed. My guard was up and there was nothing anyone could say or do to make me any less edgy at that point. That's what my parents do to me. They have hurt me so bad I can't be in the same room with them and be able to keep cool. 

So my mom sat there and acted like an angel and denied everything I said and belittled me. I couldn't take it. I was so frustrated! It's not fair. I have to live with these monsters at home and no one will ever see it because of this stupid act that they've perfected. So now everyone at school hates me even more. I'm sure they all think I'm this stupid little bitch who lies and complains and all that. 

To bad they can't see what really happens when no one of authority is around. I got it pretty bad when I got home. My parents still have yet to be civil towards me and I'm just shutting up and letting them do it. Man I hate my life. I need to get out of here. 

Needless to say, I'm pretty fucking pissed at every single one of my friends. Screw me over once, shame on you. Screw me over twice...maybe I should learn to shut my mouth. Do it three times? Were fucking done. 

I have successfully pushed away everyone I wanted to. Everyone except my boyfriend. He has done nothing to hurt me so I refuse to hurt him. 

I don't need anyone. I sure as hell wish I had just ONE person in this world who I could talk to openly and honestly and not have to worry about getting in trouble for it. 

Because guess what. WHEN YOU TELL THE SCHOOL IT GETS BACK TO MY PARENTS AND I GET IN A SHIT LOAD OF TROUBLE!!! So just stop already!! I hope you realize that I can no longer trust anyone and all this has done is make me more depressed and alone and withdrawn. 

I don't need anyone but myself. Sorry if this hurt anyone but I figured you deserved to know why I'm pissed. I know you were trying to help but you didn't. All you have done is cause more problems because my parents are abusive assholes. Sorry. 

Trouble.

In trouble yet again. Apparently one of my friends told my stupid school that I was cutting and where. They had to bring me down to the nurse and she had to check me but I refused to let her. My parents were so mad at me. 

They're making me go back there today. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm literally screwed. Nothing can ever go right for me. And it's not even like I'm looking for attention or doing this to myself because I'm just trying to drop all of this. 

I met a new therapist yesterday. She seemed okay I guess. 

Wish me luck for today. I'm really scared for what will happen again. 

A visit from CPS.

So CPS was at my house today. They wanted to take me out of my house. My parents suck. So does my life. I'm just a little stressed as you can imagine. 

I was doing so well. I didn't eat for almost 3 days and today I fucking ate so much and I feel horrible and want to get rid of it. I've never done that before and I hate that I want to. I hate everything about myself. I seriously cannot fucking stand me. 

My chest is all cut up, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't breathe. I can't function. And I sure as hell can't talk to anyone about it now because I just keep getting myself into deeper and deeper shit. 

Have I mentioned I hate my life?

Sorry for bitching. I guess I'll go now. 

So here's what happened...

So here's what happened. My school found out about me and my friends plans to try to kill ourselves or hurt ourselves. They sent us both to the hospital, and my dad had to come to the school and everything. It was a HUGE mess. 

My dad acted like this angel in front of my guidance counselor and it's so frustrating because I know how much of a fake act it is. I hate it. 

As soon as we got in the car my dad started yelling at me really bad saying how much trouble I'm going to be in. I didn't know being suicidal was something to be punished for. Guess I was wrong. When I got home my mom was already home. She said "get your stuff, were leaving now" before I even got in the door. 

A little while later we left...that was an even bigger disaster. My mom was yelling at me sooooo bad in the car saying how I'm not going to get into college and how I might as well just drop out of high school. She kept saying how everything bad that happens is my fault and I'm just acting this way for attention. She was yelling at me and making me feel like complete shit for about an hour and a half. I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. I had about 3 huge anxiety attacks. As you can imagine...I'm pretty exhausted now. 

Every time I tried to say sorry to my mom she just screamed "shut up" to me. She told me not to call her mom. She's not my mom anymore. She also said how much she hates me. I can't even remember what else she said. 

We didn't even make it to the hospital. She just turned around and went back home and then left my house for about 3 hours. She hates me. 

Fuck. Right now my parents are talking about how much they hate each other and how much my mom hates us. My mom just said that my dad doesn't care about us at all. And she has nothing to hold on to. She just left again. I broke my family. 

Anyway, back to the story I guess. 
My mom told me I am no longer allowed to talk to anyone. Can't talk to my guidance counselor, my friends, a therapist, anyone. She said if ANYONE calls her again about me I'll be in serious trouble. So I guess I am back to being a withdrawn, awkward quiet loser of a kid. Maybe I shouldn't even write anymore. It's basically the same as talking. I mean if you're reading it, I might as well be talking. Only difference here is that most of you can't put the face with the name. So maybe it is okay. Who the hell knows. 

When my mom got home and after I got out of the shower...I was in my room cleaning and I heard my mom start crying and saying how much she hates me and her life. I can't even begin to tell you bad badly I needed to cut after that. After everything. 

I wish I was dead so I didn't have to hurt so much and hurt everyone around me. I always thought it was a serious impossibility for things to get worse. I always seem to be wrong about that. 

Anyway, long story short I guess, we never made it to the hospital. I got verbally bashed and abused in the car for quite a while. Then my mom left, started crying and blaming me for everything, and left again. Now I'm sitting in my room unable to fall asleep and starving because I haven't eaten anything since yesterday. I'm more stressed and depressed than ever. 

Good thing I have such great parents. 

Ya know, everyone told me I would gain respect by asking for help and to go into a hospital. My dad told me he lost respect for me for asking. Guess I was right all along. 

Bye

Going into hospital now. Can't talk right now...I'll explain everything when I get back

Depression is like cancer

Depression is like cancer. Gone untreated, it will get worse and worse. The person with the cancer knows there is something wrong. They can feel it. They don't feel good. But it might not be visible to the outside world. 

Cancer gone untreated is fatal. 

So is depression. 



The difference is that there is no stigma attached to cancer. But because depression and other anxiety disorders are called "mental illnesses" they are looked down upon. It's considered a weakness. Or even worse, it's considered something the person can control. A choice even. 

All of these things want to make myself and other people in my same position want to stay in hiding. Sometimes its just not worth it to ask for help. Sometimes people just won't listen. 

You don't know how I feel

According to my school, I'm a binge alcoholic. I disagree. I just like to drink like everyone else. Im craving alcohol now though. I like being numb and not having to feel anything. 

Numbness is better than pain. I'm hurting so bad and no one understand that. Its so frustrating. I can't take all of the judging and criticizing and everything else. 

On a scale of 1-10, my depression is about a 13. How I'm still alive, I have no idea. I plan on drinking a lot on Halloween and probably doing some other dumb stuff. Maybe then people will listen to me and take me seriously. 

It's like my problems only exist when it's convenient for someone else. Frustrating right? If any of you know what I'm trying to say, you know first hand how upsetting it is. 

I guess you just can't make people feel what you feel. 

I just want to disappear

So today I spent a good 2 and a half hours in my guidance counselors office. She called my mom. Again. I'm supposed to talk to my mom about going into a hospital on November 1st but I'm really scared. 

My mom is not happy with me. She hates that the school keeps calling her. I'm so afraid to tell my parents that I want to go inpatient. I'm scared they'll judge me or criticize me or just not trust me. I hate this. I wish so bad that it could just be okay for me to want to go inpatient to get better. It sucks. A lot. 

I'm scared to fall behind in school and get judged and have my parents lose trust for me but I just want to get better. I need a break. I need to get away from my house and just I need time to heal. But it's not going to be okay with my parents. 

That's why I'm so scared to talk to them. 



I actually talked to my parents before. They said no, I'm not bad enough to go into a hospital. Funny how they think that. I didn't know that cutting and being suicidal doesn't qualify as being bad enough. 

No one takes me seriously and no one cares.  That's how I feel. I want to be alone so I don't hurt anyone when I die. I dont want friends, I just want to disappear. 

Don't know what to do

I want to go into a hospital. I'm scared to die and I'm scared to go into a hospital. I'm really scared. I don't know what to do. 

All I know is that right now my depression and anxiety is controlling my life. I can't have this going on anymore. I need to get away from my house and I want to get better. So maybe this is a way to do it. 

I don't know what to expect if I do go. Im so scared. I wish my life could just be easy. I need help with this decision. I told one of my friends that if she goes with me I'll go in a heartbeat. I hope she can go. That way at least I'll have some sort of a safety net. 

I feel like Mike would judge me a lot. Or not judge me but just be upset.  I don't know. It's such a big decision and I'm terrified. Help?

Fear

I'm sick of having my heart beat so hard I can feel it in my ears. I'm tired of worrying about people judging me. I'm tired of people ignoring me. I want to start living my life for myself and not to please other people. 

My anxiety attacks are getting so much worse lately. I just had another one now. I cut again today. Oh well. 

I feel like I'm not even in my life. I don't feel like anything is real. It almost seems like I'm just watching someone else live my life and in not even participating in it.  I stopped therapy today. 
I wish I didn't have to worry about my parents judging me and criticizing me if I wanted to go into a hospital. I really do want to. I'm just so scared. 

Even for the simple fact that I just need a break away from my house. I need something. Any kind of relief. It's getting harder and harder each day. 

When I'm with my friends it's like I'm on a whole different planet. They just talk about things that I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I always feel left out and it hurts. Everything hurts. And I'm scared. 

Something's wrong

I don't know what's wrong with me. So I got accepted into my top choice college today. So did my best friend. Awesome right? But why does that still upset me?

Because what if she doesn't want to go to school with me. What if she just wants college to be a time to get away from me? I wish we could dorm together and I don't want her to leave me but I think she will. 

So what's my solution? Push her away obviously. I wish things didn't have to hurt so bad all of the time. 

Speaking of pain, my legs are not better at all. I don't know if you remember me writing about this, but I've had four major surgeries for my legs in the past 2 years. My legs still kill me. It sucks. 

When can I stop feeling so bad? I want to be happy and not feel alone. But it's probably my own fault. I need alcohol. I like numbing myself. Yeah I feel horrible the next day, even more depressed, but hopefully I cam just forget for one single night. Not like it ever happens like that though. Something just isn't right with me and it's more than just typical depression I think. I don't know. Is this just horrible depression? 

Oh I don't know.

I just got off the phone with Mike. I was talking to him for an hour and a half. I'm not used to talking on the phone...it usually causes me a lot of anxiety. My anxiety seems like it's getting worse. 

I like mike so much though. I'm really trying to be a better person for him. We seem like we can both really make each other happy. I'm so scared that I'm going to scare him away though. I haven't told him any of the bad stuff...not in depth anyway. 

I'm afraid that he'll see me as something different than he sees me now and it scares me. I don't want to screw up. I dont want my ex to keep yelling at me. I want happiness. 

He makes me so happy and it feels good. It's harder in one way being in a relationship with someone who you actually like. I mean think about it. If something happens, it's really going to hurt and it will be really bad. But if you're with someone you don't really care about...it won't be as bad or hurt as much. 

I don't know, that's just how I think. I'm going to visit a college tomorrow and I'm nervous. I hate thinking about college. It's one reason why in pushing everyone away. One of my friends is very easy to push away. She doesn't seem like she cares much. It hurts, not guna lie, but I guess I do it to myself. 

On the plus side, I feel slightly less dizzy today. Yay. 

Stupidity

Oh where do I even begin...I have no idea what to say right now. 

First of all, I'd just like to give a shout out to my friend Oliver who is both a freaking idiot and a genius at the same time. I can't even believe you..but I love you. 

Secondly, if any of you are reading this and wondering anything that I have never shared, feel free to ask. Now that I'm back, I'd like to be as real and open as possible. 

So my exboyfriend, yea, remember him? The one who all my friends hate but I still somehow love? He will not stop yelling at me and making me feel bad about having a new boyfriend, mike. And yeah it hurts. Here's how stupid I am. I actually considered breaking up with mike to get back together with him. 

I guess I figured, hey, I've never been happy before, why start now? I really do hate myself. 

I'm pushing away all my friends again too. I don't think they need me. But I said that last night. 

I was with my guidance counselor today and I wanted so bad to tell her how messed up I am, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared of the outcome. 

Last night I went to bed at 7 and woke up at 3. Not exactly the conventional nights sleep...but hey at least I slept. I feel like I'm just rambling. 

Oh when is this all going to end???

Just typical me

Haven't eaten in a couple days, haven't taken my zoloft in a couple of days, and haven't slept in a couple of days. That makes for a great combination of things. 

I wish I could feel better. I wish someone would care. It's almost like, I've been screwed up for so long now, people just accept it. Like no one really does anything or cares because they think it doesn't still hurt or something. I don't know.  

Im in so much pain. Im sick of hiding. Sometimes I really want to just go into school with cuts all over my arm just to see what they would do. If anyone would even notice. Or if they would just think thanks typical me. Probably the last option. 

I feel like I have no friends. I have two best friends, but I feel like they don't need me at all. Here's an analogy for you. My one friend is like my other friends underwear. You always need underwear, and you're only without it in the bathroom or when you're having sex or something. I feel like that's the only time when they don't need each other. But I'm just like a necklace or earings. They only need me on special occasions, and no one would notice if I wasn't there. I'm easily removable. 

That's how I feel. I'm pushing everyone away pretty badly and I know my friends are getting sick of me for it. Oh well. 

I wish I could be sent away somewhere. Someplace where there are kids just like me and I don't have to go home or anything. And there's always someone to talk to who cares. 

Yes, I know you're ALL thinking I should just go in a hospital...but I can't. I just can't. It would be to much for my parents to deal with and I don't want to be trapped there with more people who are judging me. 

M.I.A

Sorry I've been gone. I got overwhelmed with things I should write about and things I shouldn't and I don't know. Shocker- I'm not doing so hot. One good thing has happened though. I'm going out with a good kid. His name is mike. I've liked him for a really long time...about three years and I finally told him I liked him. He said he actually liked me too for a while and now were going out.

I feel really insecure about it though. He doesn't know any of the bad stuff about me. And my exboyfriend is really pressuring me to get back together with him. I don't want to be hurt. I want mike to know everyhing about me, including the bad stuff. But I don't want him to think I'm crazy.

A lot of people think of me as crazy. It makes me sad. I'm doing worse with eating to. And cutting. Everything is getting worse. I don't really like my therapist anymore either. I can't talk to her or anything.

I got in trouble with school again. My friends talked to the principle about me and said I was suicidal and stuff. No I don't blame them, but it does make me think twice about what I say. I always say this. I'm not getting better, I'm just getting smarter.

My mom doesn't want me on zoloft anymore. She doesn't want me on any medicine. So guess I'm off antidepressants. Good idea right?

I'm exhausted now, I'm going to bed. I promise I'm back though. I'll continue to write regularly again. Good night

Horrible

What do you do when you don't want to live...but you don't want to die either? I'm at that place now and it sucks. Im really hurting. 

My family is falling apart, my sister keeps on attacking me and hurting me and accusing me of things. My body and my mind is beaten down. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't get out of bed all weekend. I laid in bed and cried. I can't do anything. My friends don't understand. No one does. I just want to go away. 

I'm at the point where I want to get a court order against my sister to send her into a hospital. I don't know if I can actually do that but I want to. I wish I could describe to you how horrible it is. 

Everything sucks

Words can't describe what this is like. If I could be dead I would in a heartbeat. 

My home life is horrible, every choice I make is horrible, and I just want out. I can't do it anymore. I really can't. 

This is something I can't fight alone and it feels like I am. Even though people are sometimes here, no one is always here and I can't talk about it anyway. Everything sucks. Nothing is good or happy or safe. 

No one listens

Theres a very thin line between the right now and the bigger picture, and I'm struggling on the concept of which one I should be thinking about. 

I know I'm doing badly now. I think everyone knows that. Or at least they should. I can't focus, I can't cry, I can't scream, and I can't explain why. How do you explain to someone this feeling? Is it even possible? They would all just think I was nuts. 

Sometimes I wish things would come easier to me. Why can't I just be happy? 

I'm in Disney right now and I'm still seriously struggling. It's not that I'm ungrateful or anything like that, it's just that I can't push away all the sadness and anxiety. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me, but I know that I can't talk to anyone about anything and that really sucks because all I want is to talk to someone. 

I feel like no one listens to me or respects me and it's frustrating. I know everyone hates me, and trust me I hate myself more than you could know. That's probably why others don't like me. How can you like someone who doesn't like themselves? 

Trapped

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. And sometimes I feel like I don't belong. And sometimes all I want to do is really talk to someone and be able to say exactly what I'm feeling and just cry and get everything out. 

I'm so starved for attention and it hurts. I want someone to pay attention to me and take care of me and make me feel better. I'm hurting so bad right now and I really don't know if there is anyone on this planet that understands this feeling. 

I always said I don't need a babysitter. I never wanted to be that constant pain in the ass that didn't go away. But now I think maybe that is what I need. I don't know. I just really need someone to pay attention to me and no one does. 

I feel so alone and miserable and frustrated all the time and I don't know what to do. There's no way out. I feel like in trapped in this circle of misery and there is just no possible way out. 

If you can imagine the worst you've ever felt, and then multiply that by 10, that's how I feel now. 

So screwed up

Depression is like something that's grabbing onto your throat, and it just keeps getting tighter and tighter until eventually it just absorbs you and suffocates you and kills you. That's how I feel. Like every single day it's getting harder and harder to breath and function or do anything. 
 
I'm doing so badly and I keep looking for something, anything to grasp on to but it feels like nothing is there for me to hold on to. I feel so bad all of the time and I feel like I'm going crazy! But I know I'm not crazy. I'm just depressed and lonely and so anxious. 

Everyone around me can see it but no one really reaches out and does anything. No one talks to me. 

Nothing else to say I guess. Just so screwed up. 

For your own good

For those of you who think you know me, you don't. Nobody has any idea what it's like to be me. What it's like to live in my house and be scared every single day. Or how it feels to know no one cares. 

To my friends: I don't care what you think about me anymore. I know you probably really don't give a shit about me. It's all superficial. It always will be. 

I don't want you to be around me or talk to me anymore. I'm fucked up. All I do is bring you down or get you to do bad things with me. 

Do yourself a favor. Leave. Leave now and don't talk to me again ever. I'm no good for you. I'm no good for myself. 

So you keep living your life and make the right choices and be happy. And I'll keep living my life and eventually crash down to zero. Im almost there anyway. 

Don't text me, don't call me, and don't come over. 

I. Am. Bad. For. You. 

Im like cancer. I'll only get worse for you. So for YOUR own good, I really suggest you stop letting me bring you down. I'm no good. 

Don't think I don't love you, because I do. And that's the reason I'm telling you to stay away. 

Silence

Soo they changed my medicine from Prozac to zoloft, and now I'm on 50mgs of that. Nothing is helping and I'm doing bad. 

I'm smoking so much, drinking almost every other day, and having unprotected sex. I'm always at a low. Always unhappy. I'd ask for help, but there's nothing anyone can do anymore. 

So here's my new thing. I'm going to be silent. Just not talk. I pretty much already do that anyway, but now I just won't even pretend. Every time I talk I fake it. Fake being happy, fake being positive, so screw it. No more faking, no more talking. 

Should be pretty easy seeing as no one listens anyway. Besides, I really don't have much to say. 

Some thoughts that go through my head

Don't ask me if I'm okay when you already know the answer. 
Don't ask me what's wrong when you know nothings right. 
Don't tell me that you understand, because I know for a fact you don't. 





When I'm in bed hysterically crying wondering why my life is the way it is, who's gonna be there to wipe the tears away?
When all I need is someone to talk to and vent to, who's gonna be there to listen?
When everyone is fighting and screaming around me and I'm afraid someone is going to hurt me, who is going to be there to protect me?
When I've given up all hope in life, who is going to be there to tell me they love me and everything will be okay?
When I'm sitting there with a razor or a bottle of pills, is anyone going to tell me not to do it?

Nothing to fight for

When did everything get so messed up? Man, I don't know. All I know is I am one big fat mess right now. My head must not be on straight or something. My family life is increasingly more dysfunctional every day, no matter how many sleeping pills I take I can't sleep, and my anxiety seems like it's at an all time high. 

Ever heard of a psychiatric service dog? I don't feel like explaining, so look it up if you haven't. Basically, they perform tasks specific to my needs to help with depression and anxiety. I literally did all the work for it, including picking the breeder and puppy, and all I have left to do is click the "adopt" button. 

The one and only thing standing in my way is the assholes I call parents. My mom would've said yes. My dad however, said no. I told him I was going to do it anyway and there is no way he can stop me. He told me if I get her I wont be allowed home. It's not a pet. Its a service dog. I guess my parents don't want me to get better after all. 

So basically here's my choices. 
1- go ahead and get my dog, and find another place to live. But who the hell is gonna want me?
2- don't get better and don't get this help and probably kill myself before summers over. 
 

No one cares if I fail or succeed. So what do I do? Do I get her anyway and move one step closer to happiness? Or do I let my parents control me yet again? I'm 17 and it's time to start living my life the way it was intended to live. I'm sick of all this bullshit that is people telling me I can't get better because of one reason or another. 

I'm not on speaking terms with my parents. I'm not getting out of bed for a very, very long time. Please help me decide what to do. 

Going down fast

I'm officially matched with the lowest I've ever been. Last night I went out with my friends and got trashed. I was so drunk I don't even remember drinking that much. I was trying to walk to the train tracks but someone stopped me unfortunately. 

I can't believe how bad I'm doing. I need someone. I can't do this anymore. I'm like one second away from killing myself I just can't do this. I don't even know what my problem is. Ugh I'm sorry for being like this. I'm gonna attempt to sleep. Not that I'm actually going to be able to. Whatever. I don't give a crap anymore. 

Getting to that low point

I'm having a really crappy day. I had a pretty good day yesterday because I was surrounded with good people and a lot of food. I ate way to much, but it was a fun time. 

I'm pretty much going nocturnal again. Exhausted all day, but can't sleep at night. Haven't taken Prozac or sleeping pills in a long time. Why I do this to myself? I don't know. So yeah, it's safe to say I'm suicidal again. I'm not going to do anything yet though.  

Plan on not eating anything for 2 days. Like I said, ate way to much this weekend. I also plan on drinking a lot soon. I need alcohol in me. I'm going to be doing a lot of stupid and reckless things lately. Oh well. 

Not much else to say tonight. If anyone has any books to recommend me that would be greatly appreciated. I just finished reading Aimee by Mary Beth Miller and it was crazy good. So if anyone has any books where the main character is depressed or dealing with something like that or suicide please recommend. I need more books. I clearly have nothing better to do with my life at this point. I need something relatable. 

Easily replaceable

Part of my problem is that I am not confident about myself at all. I hate myself, so I think other people hate me too. For instance, if my friends start hanging out with other people a lot, I get insanely jealous. I feel like I'm being replaced, or that I'm no longer needed as a friend. I know it doesn't make sense, and I know it's not rational, but it's how I feel. 

I'm always jealous of other people's happiness. I always think that I'm going to be replaced by someone because I'm really nothing special. 

Last night I hung out with my boyfriend who I haven't seen in like a month because he's been away. He was mad at me because I was so quiet and shy. He hates it. But I can't help it, that's how I am. 

I was sitting in his car and he was driving and I started crying. I don't know why, but I just got overwhelmingly upset. He didn't notice. I guess I'm a pro at hiding things like that too. 

I think my therapist hates me. Whenever I go to her I barely talk at all. It's not that I don't want to...I just can't. I don't have the words. I pretty much just say "I don't know" to everything she asks. I miss Andrea, the other person I used to talk to at school. 

Help

I'm so screwed up right now. I need help. I need someone to care. 

Yesterday I was on the phone with my best friend. My sister started yelling at me for literally no reason at all, so I told her to leave me alone. She went upstairs, then came back down. She showed me her arm, which was COVERED in blood, and said "you're the reason I do this, you ruined my life". 

I threatened I call the cops on her. 

That's what I have to live with on a daily basis. I can't be here anymore. My boyfriend is fighting with me all the time, he takes everything so personally. He doesn't understand that I'm ridiculously screwed up at the moment. 

I need so bad to be able to talk to someone openly about everything that's going on in my head. I wish I could tell someone how bad I'm doing, and I wish someone would ask how I was and genuinely mean it. 

Ugh I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so angry today and I feel like I keep lashing out at people. 

Help :/

Why?

Why do I have depression?

Why do I have social anxiety disorder?

Why do I go for days at a time without eating or sleeping?

Why can't I be satisfied with what I see in the mirror?

Why can't I believe that people actually care about me? 

Why can't I get better?

Why do I self sabotage?

Why do I always push people away when all I want is to be close to people and have them care?

Why do I hurt myself and so many people in the process. 

Why can't I just be normal. 

These are the things that I think about all the time. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I'm sorry if I screwed up. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. 
I feel like I've screwed up so much lately and I just keep hurting people. I feel horrible. 

I'm so mentally and physically drained. Today I plan on sleeping all day, or at least laying in bed like a bum all day. I'm probably just going to ignore everyone. Every time I open my mouth I just end up hurting someone unintentionally. So I'm sorry to everyone that's happened to lately. 

Why do I care

Here's something I bet you all didn't know - I am doing horribly lately. I literally haven't eaten anything in 2 full days, I can't sleep again, and I can't even tolerate being around people. 

I can't deal with anything. I can't deal with all the drama and heartbreak and everything else that goes along with being with people. I don't care what anyone says. People are selfish and no one cares about me or the fact that I'm slowly but surely losing touch with reality. 

I feel like I just bring everyone down. Last night I felt like I shouldn't even have pets because I'm not going to take good enough care of them and they'll be miserable living with me. That's what goes through my head on a daily basis. 

I'm no good for anyone. Including myself. So yeah here's another shock- I cut last night. Oh well. Not like anyone cares or notices. Not that I did it for attention. I don't even know what the fuck to do with myself lately. I make all my friends mad at me, they all hate me, I hate myself and I don't even bother getting out of bed anymore. I'm sure I'm just a joy to be around. 

It's like people know there's something wrong with me. They know I'm not happy or upset, and no one asks me why or does anything about it to show they care. Why should I bust my ass trying to help other people and make them feel better when no one does the same with me? Am I even important to anyone in this world? Honestly would anyone even notice a difference if I was gone? 

My family sure wouldn't. They'd be glad. My friends? They might care for a little while. They'd get over it though. Im really not that important. 

Sorry if this post bothers you. I needed to vent. 

Alone

For those of you that don't know, yes, my sister is mentally ill. She has borderline personality disorder, OCD, bipolar, and she is on the autism spectrum as well. She has other things but my mind is blank right now. She sounds like a blast to live with right? My birthday was 2 days ago and it was good. My best friend took me on a trail ride and we went out to lunch and slept over. It was pretty awesome. It was just the two of us, but I wish my other best friend could've gone. I know she helped plan it though so I'm still very thankful to both of them.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. And I feel so bad for them for having to put up with me.  Despite having a great day, I was still upset and so lonely at nighttime. I don't know what's wrong with me, or why no matter what happens I always end up sad and lonely, but I hate it. And I don't want people to think I'm unappreciative or ungrateful, because thats not true at all.  I feel like one of my close friends is starting to get sick of me and doesn't like me anymore. I pushed him away, and I don't think we wants to have anything to do with me. Or maybe I'm reading into it much. Or maybe I'm not and that's really what he thinks. I don't know.  Alone. That's how I feel 24/7, even when I'm with someone. I feel MORE alone when I'm actually with people. My sleeping is starting to get bad again..I'm really not sleeping very much at all. Ugh I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. 

In need of a good day

I think it's safe to say I've been pretty screwed up again lately. I'm always upset and alone. I get in bad moods when I'm with people and they don't understand why. They dont get it. I feel so alone when I'm with people and no one understands that. 

I pushed almost everyone away from me except for one or two people pretty much. 

I don't take my Prozac everyday either. I'm trying to come off it, despite what everyone else is telling 
me. 

My birthday is tomorrow and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad because my brother won't be home but I'm excited because my friends planned something for the day for me but i have no idea what it is. 

Me and my sister have been fighting bad lately. She's been fighting with everyone. Today she tried hitting me but I'm way stronger than she is. She still scares the shit out of me though. In drivers ed today we were talking about mentally ill people. 
Because my sister is, that was a difficult conversation for me. No one will ever be able to understand what it's like to live here with her. I know I shouldn't let what other people say get to me, but I do. 

I am in some serious need of a good day, so hopefully tomorrow on my birthday will be pretty good. I'll let you all know how it goes

Same crap different day

I hate the fact that I'm pushing everyone away. I feel so alone, but half the time I do it to myself. 

I'm hoping tomorrow is a good day, my family and my best friend are coming over. 

I feel like crap, it's nothing new. 17 in 5 more days :/

I'm sorry for pushing you away if I have.....

Busy day

Well today I had a psychiatrist appointment. I did not want to go. I was in a bad mood and not answering any of her questions and pretty much just acting like a total bitch. I apologized for acting so bratty when I left, it's really not like me. She said that I have to work on talking about how I'm feeling more to people, and if I'm angry or sad or something, I should say it. That's going to be a problem for me but whatever. She wants to see me in 3 weeks. 

She doubled my Prozac and put me on sleeping pills, and diagnosed me as a chronic insomniac. I'm not happy about getting on more medicine. I want off everything completely. 

Everyone is trying to get me to go inpatient. I won't though. I can't. 

Good news of the day: I got a job!!! Yay me! It's at a physical therapy place and I'm really happy about it. If I plan on getting my car, which I'm planning on doing very soon, I'm going to need more money. It's just one step closer to freedom. 

Today sucked, but ended good when I got a job. My depression is worsening again and the worst part is that the worse it gets, the less I'm able to talk about it and open up. I know I need help...I'm just not sure if i can be helped at this point. I think I've pushed everyone away from me. I'm sorry. 

Doing bad again

I'm really down lately. My therapist called my doctor and my doctor called my mom and now I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow. I don't know why. It's probably because of my trouble sleeping but I don't know. 

Today I laid I bed all day. I cried and slept. That's how my days are lately. I wish I wasn't such a mess. I want to give up. I don't really want to do this anymore. I'm kind of just over it. I don't even know. 

I guess I was doing a really good job of faking it lately because for some reason everyone thinks I'm randomly better. No...I'm actually doing quite badly. 

I'm ready to sabotage myself with alcohol and other things I know are bad for me. Oh well. Don't you know I'm the queen of bad decisions lately?

I want to do something stupid and reckless just so I know I'm still alive. I want to feel something. 

There really is something wrong with me isn't there. 

Just wow.

The past few days have been especially bad. Today was the worst. I feel alone, misunderstood, and just angry. 

It's 7:00 and I'm in bed. And tomorrow I'll probably stay in bed all day. I made the decision that I'm not going to eat anymore. Let's see how long it takes my parents to notice. Or anyone for that matter. 

My birthday is in 11 days and I'm going to be totally alone for it. Just like last year. My one friend is going to probably come see me but I don't know. That's probably not even a good idea. I remember last year on my birthday I cried the whole day because my family completely ignored me. They worked. I stayed in bed. I feel like it's going to be the same exact thing this year. I don't even want to turn 17. 

I cut tonight. I don't care anymore. I keep pushing away everyone in my life and no one pushes back. No one cares. I'm just another grain of sand at the beach. Just another leaf on a tree. I'm nothing special. I'm nothing to anybody. 

I really have nothing else to say. I'm fed up with this life. And no one else seems to see it. 

God...what is wrong with me???

Uncomfortable being happy

Ready for an epiphany? Being depressed is safe for me. It's normal. I know how to be depressed. I know what to expect, and I know what to think. Being happy is something foreign to me. It's unnatural and uncomfortable. When I have good days, instead of enjoying them, I'm worrying about the fact that I know it won't last. 

That's why I've been self sabotaging myself lately. I have to stay safe, I have to stay with what I know. I can't be happy simply because I don't know how to be. And because I know it won't last. 

Today I had a really bad day. And in some sick way, it felt good. Because that's what I know. That's what's safe to me. Is that horrible? Is that normal?

It's not like I dont want to get better. I do. I guess I'm just scared of things. Is this a common thing, or am I just weird?

False hope

Anxiety: bad
Depression: worse

Yesterday I was out with my friends. This new guy named  omelet was there. I decided I wanted to make a good impression on him, so I acted like I was the happiest, most confident kid in the world. What a joke. I don't know why I care about what other people think of me, but I do care. 

It's really frustrating because on Wednesday, the first half of the day I felt good. I didn't feel horrible and I thought maybe, just maybe I was going to start feeling better. Wronggggg. I completely crashed
Wednesday night and all day Thursday. I was in this ridiculous state of depression that I couldn't get out of. Today so far is the same. I don't plan on getting out of bed for anything. 

I've cut the amount I'm eating now down to one meal a day and a snack at some point. Not even hungry for breakfast today though. 

Everything makes me want to cut. Everything is a trigger lately. 

I had a good half of a day, and now I'm worse than before. False hope? I don't know. I wish my head would stop playing games with me. I wish I didn't have any good days because the ones I have never ever last and only make me feel way worse when there gone. 

For some reason I'm still fighting though. Who the hell knows why. 

A rare good day

Yesterday was actually a good day. Me and one of my best friends went out for a few hours and had a really good time. We didn't even really do anything that exciting. We literally sat on a bench that was right behind a rocky wall and talked. It was awesome though. Like we were right on top of this wall and there was a fence with ivy covering it surrounding us. Most normal people wouldn't really find that a nice place to sit...but I loved it. It kind of felt like life. Like I'm trapped behind this wall, and I can hear everyone else and see what their doing, but they can't see me and they have no idea what is going on in my life. 

I don't know, I guess I read to much into things, but the whole night just felt awesome. It's like me and my friend can relate to each other so much, and it's nice to have just one person I feel like I can be completely real with. Or at least mostly real with. When I got home it sucked though. I felt so alone and empty..I hate that. I always feel so alone. I wish that could change

I had therapy yesterday and we were talking about self sabotage, and how I'm doing that to myself. She's making me keep a log of when my depression and anxiety is worse..I think I'm changing medicine soon. Or at least increasing what I'm already on. 

It's days like yesterday that make me want to keep fighting. But there just so incredibly rare...and I guess sometimes I forget what it's like to have a good day. I just wish they would last. 

Unhealthy risks

Lately I've been doing a lot of not so smart things, and just making bad decisions. Between drinking and sex and cutting and not studying for finals, I just don't feel like myself. And I screwed myself because now I'm really scared for my math test which I have to take tomorrow. I'm praying I don't fail. 

Eating has been an issue for me lately too. I'm either just not hungry so I don't eat, or I eat way to much so I don't focus on all the bad. I can't seem to find a healthy balance. So instead of being productive and trying to fix it, I'm going to play a little game. Not going to say what it is yet, but let's just see how long it takes for my parents to notice. 

I know I'm doing bad. And why I'm making worse choices rather than trying to make things better, I really don't know. I think it's just because I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get better. I've been messed up for to long. At least that's how I see it. And yeah, maybe that is wrong, but that's just how my head is thinking about things. 

This summer is going to be a crazy one. Not because of any parties I'm going to, but simply because of the battles I'm fighting in my own head. I'm excited to see how this "game" is going to play out. 

Why is it that when people are doing bad like me, they make worse decisions instead of trying to make things better. Can anyone tell me that? Do other people do it too? Is it just me? I think it's because I've given up all hope anyway. So I might as well have fun with me. Please tell me I'm not weird, and this is at least semi normal or common. I think it's safe to say that prozac hasn't helped me much at all :/

Social anxiety

The past few days I've been trying to go out more and be social...but I failed miserably. I tried going over my grandmas house to sleep over, but I had to have someone pick me up. She wasn't happy with me and she took it personally. She doesn't understand that that's just how I am. 
I was supposed to go away with my friend for the weekend, and I chickened out at the last minuet. Yes, I regret it and wish I went. My anxiety feels like it's getting worse, or maybe I'm just noticing it more now. 

On a positive note, I hung out with another one of my best friends last night at my house, and it went well. I didn't have to much anxiety and I don't know. It's probably just because I didn't have to leave my house. 

I'm trying to get along better with my mom lately, but she keeps rejecting me. I wish we could be closer and I wish she wanted me. Last night I was laying in my bed and I just felt so alone. I always feel alone and it sucks. 

How do you not always feel so alone? Honestly, I feel the most alone when I'm with people because I guess I feel like I have to act happier than I am. I hate it. 

Well happy fathers day to all the dads out there :)

Same old crap

Anxious, depressed, suicidal. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's what I feel like. Everyday feels the same. But it still surprises me that I feel bad. It's like..it really shouldn't surprise me when I can't do things because of my anxiety. 

I'm a mess. My therapist is concerned with my sleep, or lack there of. She might put me on something to help me sleep. Its been like 4 weeks of prozac and I feel no change. No better, no worse. Well okay, maybe worse. But not because of the Prozac. I was already spiraling downward when I started it. 

I don't have much else to say right now, it's the same old crap. I feel inadequate and unworthy, and really just pretty horrible. Like I said, lather, rinse, repeat. 

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Well, last night was eventful. We got to "Carls" house, and started drinking. I didn't drink as much as I would've liked to because we had to leave earlier then expected. Honestly, the most eventful part of the night was when he drove me home. 

You know how I wanted to get back together? Well, we did. And that made me really happy at first. Well, I mean as happy as I can be. We left his house at like 11:00, but I didn't get home until 1:00am. We pretty much talked most of the time, just about life and if we should get back together or not. He said sorry for being a jerk to me...and you don't know how bad I wanted to believe him. You don't know just how much I really wanted to think he would change and be a better boyfriend to me. 

Today things were the same as they always were with him. We didn't talk any more than we had been recently, and I don't know. I just want things to be good. I want to be the most Important person in somebody's life. I want to matter. 

New topic: 
Tomorrow I have therapy again. My mom was going to cancel it, but when she called to cancel, my therapist yelled at her and told her I need to go. I guess my school informed her about my mom and how she likes to cancel these things and not take me back. 

Well anyway, I've been doing really bad lately. Im almost at the point where I'm ready to give in, and just be totally 100 percent honest. I want to tell  my therapist how I want to kill myself so bad, and how I've been cutting again lately. Because I have been. Last night I sat in my room thinking about why I haven't done it yet. I don't know what's stopping me..but I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a point where I'm going to try it again. 

If I wasn't so concerned with what my parents would think, and how they would act towards me, I would be honest like that. I always hold back and I never say how I really feel because I'm so scared of my parents reactions to it. It's never going to be okay with them that I'm like this. 

I'm seriously considering even going inpatient at a hospital somewhere. I'm really that bad. I don't want to die. But I can't live this way. And I don't know what to do because I'm so scared of my parents. I'm torn between getting help for myself, and staying a good kid for my parents sake. 

List of powerful and deep music/books

This post is going to be a list of songs and books that have a really deep meaning with me and that I feel like I can connect to. 

SONGS:
Most of them have to deal with depression, or not being good enough, or just going through rough times. I love every single one of these songs. The lyrics are so strong and have such powerful meanings. The song lullabies is actually about the song writers brother, who committed suicide. The lyrics are amazing. 
Lullabies- All Time Low
Weightless - All Time Low
Therapy - All Time Low
Sick Little Games - All Time Low
Guts - All Time Low
Beautiful - Eminem
Going through changes - Eminem
Talkin' to myself - Eminem
Me against the world - Simple Plan
Welcome to my life- Simple Plan
Crazy - Simple Plan
Save You - Simple Plan
Perfect - Simple Plan
For you - Straind (the last 2 songs says everything and more I want to say to my parents)
Fuckin Perfect - P!nk
Last Resort - Papa Roach
Who Says - Selena Gomez
The prayer - Kid Cudi
Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi
Adams Song - Blink 182
Hold on - Good Charlotte
Hope- Twista
Runaway Love - Ludacris 
Jumper - Third Eye Blind
Gotta Be Somebody - Nickleback
21 Guns - Green Day
Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift
My personal favorites on this list are all of the ones by All Time Low, hold on, beautiful, going through changes, hope, fucking perfect, last resort, perfect, and for you. The lyrics just say so much to me and make me feel less alone. 

Books:
In all of these books, the main character either is grieving someone who committed suicide, or is depressed themselves and possibly suicidal. I love all of them.
Aimee-  Mary Beth Miller
Hold Still - Nina LaCour
13 Reasons Why - Jay Asher
It's kind of a funny story - Ned Vizzini (yes, it's a movie but the book is soo much better)
Impulse - Ellen Hopkins
The Pact - Jodi Picoult 



Also, if you have any books or movies or songs to recommend, I'd love to hear them. I don't know how much any of this will appeal to adults, but hopefully all the teenagers who read this will be able to get something out of it.

Time to be brutally honest

So since school is over, me and my friends made plans for this Monday. My main group of friends consists of my two best friends (girls) and two other guys. One of the guys is my ex-boyfriend. I know I haven't  talked about him much, but I will soon. 

Anyway, the plan for Monday so far is to go over my ex's house and drink. Drink a lottt. At least for me. At this point, I just want to numb myself and forget about everything. I don't really care about what happens to me anymore, I just need a night like this. Were probably going to end up sleeping at my exboyfriends house. I've been pretty good about not saying any names of people in my life on here, so I'm going to stick to that. Let's call my ex Carl, just so things flow better. 

Anyway, me and Carl first started going out January 2nd 2010. Things were great at first. I felt loved and I felt safe with him. After about 7 months, things started to change. He was talking to me less, getting more distant, and everything just felt off. So I decided, after 7 months of waiting, to have sex with him. I was a virgin up until that point, and it was like 2 weeks after I turned 16. That's such a huge regret for me. It's still one of my biggest regrets in life. It tore me up inside for months. I don't remember if I was suicidal or not before that, but right around that time was when I first started feeling really suicidal.  
I did it because I thought it would make him love me more, and I thought it would make us closer. Wow, how dumb that was.

Guess what. It didn't change anything. Right after we did it, I looked at him and I said "just don't break my heart, okay?"

In November, I broke up with him. He barely talked to me at that point, and it just hurt more and more everyday. I thought we were going to get back together in maybe a month or two. Well, about a week after we broke up, I found out he cheated on me. I thought it was a lie at first, I thought he would never do that to me. It didn't seem like him. When I confronted him about it in school the next day, he told me what happened. As if it wasn't bad enough that he cheated on me, here's the killer part. It happened right at the beginning of august. Two weeks after we had sex. Two weeks after I lost my virginity to him. Two weeks after he promised he'd never hurt me. Two weeks. Fourteen days. That was the first time I cried in school. I want to say thank you to my two best friends now. If not for them, I don't think I would've made it through that time without some major struggle. 

Well now, after everything that's gone on, I want to get back together with him. I don't even know why. I've been pushing him away for months, and now suddenly I want to get back together. Honestly, I think the only reason why is because I'm just so desperate to feel loved. To have any sort of positive attention. To be accepted. That's all I want. 

Since were probably sleeping over his house Monday, I know I'm going to be pressured for sex. Again. And I don't want to do it. I hate it because of how horrible I feel afterwards. But honestly, I'm probably going to let myself be pressured into it, because I'm so freaking desperate for someone to care about me and for love. 

I'm seriously in so much pain lately. I want it all to stop. I want to be normal and happy. I need to be better. I know I shouldn't drink. I know it's only going to lead to bad things, but I don't even care at this point. I'll let you know how Monday goes. 
Please don't judge me for any of this, I've never admitted this to anyone. 

I don't want to quit yet

This is how I feel

Inadequate. Unworthy. Alone. Unloved. I feel horrible. I don't know why I bother to do this anymore. I feel like I just get in the way of other people, and I literally just feels like shit. Every time I talk about this with people it just pushes them away. So I don't talk to anyone, and then I feel more alone.

I feel like every single night I'm getting closer and closer to doing something dumb. Scary thought. 

Last night I almost did go and do something. I didn't though. I'm in the phase now where I'm sleeping a lot, and I'm so happy about that. I honestly don't know why I'm so messed up lately..
Therapy went okay yesterday. I hope I can have a good relationship with her. I think it would help me. 

People say that everyone, or at least most people feel this way at some point. I'm sorry...I just don't buy that. Yeah, I'm sure people feel upset and go through some rough patches, but certainly not everyone feels like this. If they did there would be a hell of a lot more suicide in the world. I really believe that. Not everybody feels like this and I hate being generalized like that. 

Yesterday my therapist asked me why it is I'm still here, why I haven't killed myself. I honestly have no idea why I'm still here. I guess I've overcome some crazy stuff already in my life. Ive always been a fighter. I'm so close to giving up, and I don't want to. A part of me still wants to fight, but another part just has no hope things will ever get better and wants to quit and stop fighting. 

I said I was going to put up a list of songs and books and movies, and I will probably tomorrow. Hope everybody keeps their head up and never stops fighting. I'm trying too. 

What a crazy week

Wow, it's really been a crazy few days. All of the craziness has surrounded the many fights me and my parents have gotten into. 

Ever since Sunday, we've been fighting nonstop. Were all just on such different pages on how I "should" be acting, and what I should be doing, and they just for the life of them can't imagine what depression is like for me, or how I feel. 

One of the arguments me and my mom got into was basically her saying how I ruined her life and how she wishes I wasn't here. Well, I told her I also wish that and maybe one day she'd get get wish. One of the things that she said was how "I have no idea what I do to her life". 

This is what I said to her. I said, "mom, honestly, do you ever think about me? About what it must be like to be me and go through this much pain every single day? Do you ever think about how hard my life is and how much I'm hurting?" Her response to that was just no. 

This is just something their never going to understand. The day before yesterday we got into another huge fight, and I got kicked out pretty much. My mom told me to go live somewhere else, and so I left. When I went home later that night, she looked at me and asked me why I was home. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said that she doesn't care what I do anymore. 

The fights we've been getting into have been so insignificant. I always try to look at everything from their prospective, and see what it is that I did wrong or what I could've done different. But this time, I honestly did not do anything wrong. Basically, one of my homeschooling teachers was being horrible to me and screaming at me instead of teaching me, so I got really upset and at the end I just walked upstairs and didn't say bye or anything. I just left. After that my mom started screaming at me and yelling at me like I did something wrong, instead of standing up for me. A parent is supposed to stand up for their kids no matter what, and not let other people scream at me and make me visibly upset in my own house. So she took away my phone and my iPod, and then pushed me down when I was asking if I could at least turn off my phone. My math teacher later called me to apologize for how she was acting towards me. My mom hasn't apologized, and still hates me. 

I'm not going to lie to you. This whole two weeks especially, have been horrible. I lay in bed all day everyday thinking about how I'm eventually going to kill myself. I mean, if I'm so miserable here, and I have no point at all, then theres no reason for me to stay, right?
Some people say suicide is selfish, but honestly, sometimes I think the selfish thing is staying here so other people have to deal with me and my problems. 

I don't want to live anymore, but I don't want to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Make everyone forget about me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be this depressed and miserable and upset all the time. It isn't something that I chose, which is what my parents think. 


Another really negative thing happening lately is how I'm just never going to be good enough for my parents. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them or meet their expectations. I do my very best at everything, and no matter how hard I try, and no matter what I do, it's just never good enough. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to feel accepted by them and I want them to love me. 

I want anyone to love me. Sometimes I feel like that's the magic solution to all of this. Like being loved or having someone care about me will make this all go away. But it doesn't work that way, does it. No matter how much someone says they care about me, I'm always going to think they don't mean it. I'm always going to think I'm not good enough or eventually they'll leave me like everyone else. 

Right now, all I want is to drink and forget about everything. I hate that I always feel like I want to turn to that, but I do. 

The next post I do is going to be a list of books, movies, and songs that help me get through all of this and feel less alone. 

Well, the good news is that it's starting to get really nice out. I can't wait until I can walk again, and maybe have some fun. 

The sun just doesn't shine anymore

The sun doesn't shine as bright, the grass isn't as green, food doesn't taste as good, nothing is the same anymore. I'm really in a rut right now and nothing feels good. Nothing is satisfying. 

I feel so alone and unloved through all of this. I hate having to do it on my own. I honestly do wish I was dead at this point. Things at home are getting progressively worse and it's like the more depressed I get, the less tolerant and the angrier my parents get. 

I barely eat anything anymore. Today I had coffee in the morning and then I had dinner way later. I don't even have an appetite anymore. Were going into summer now and it's just downhill from here. I knew it would be like that. 

Today even started off decent. Once I dragged myself out of bed, I had about an hour of peace within me and it felt sort of good. But I don't think it was peace now. I think it was just numb. 
I don't want to do this anymore. Is this going to be my life forever? I honestly feel like no one cares about me at all. I literally just lie on my bed all day, alone and in silence. That's what my life is now. And it sucks. 

I'm sorry for complaining and being dumb. I don't know why I write this all. 

Falling deeper into my depression

Today, I officially am at the point where I was when I was at my lowest. Feel like crap, look like crap, it just doesn't end. I outright told my mom that I wish I was dead before and she yelled at me and said "I don't want to hear it, stop complaining".

I don't know, but it just seems to me like if you see someone crying, you should say what's wrong, instead of "stop feeling sorry for yourself."

It's been two weeks I think since I've started taking Prozac and I feel worse than I did when I started. I know it has nothing to do with it though, because I felt myself spiraling to the place where I am now before I started taking it. 

Almost all of my thoughts are consumed with thinking about if I were dead, or if I weren't here anymore. 
I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just really, really want to. And I think there's a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. 

Last night I was with my best friend and I slept at her house, and I felt okay. I felt safer, more loved even. I don't know how to explain it. Everything just feels more okay when I'm there. Usually, not always. Sometimes all I want is to just be home and in my room by myself. 

Im starting to have to fight back tears all the time. Every time a bad thought crosses my mind I just want to burst into tears, but I can't. My family will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I wish things could be different. I wish I could change my life, and along the way help someone change theirs. I want to feel that unconditional love. I don't always want to have to fight for affection and love. It hurts. I don't always want to have to ask someone to talk to me about things. 

Right now, I feel so alone and empty, and I'm trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to put on a face and be what everyone else wants me to be, but I'm struggling now. 

And I'm honestly a little bit scared because I'm pretty sure this matches my lowest.  and it doesn't seem like it's about to get easier any time soon. I hope your all doing well. I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying for good days. I will too. Just make good choices and try to live life. 

Too angry for words

Today one of my friends came to visit me. Which was awesome because I hardly ever get to see anyone. I guess my parents had it in their minds that I was up to no good or something, because now me and my parents are in a huge fight. 

My freaking dad thought the only reason my friend came to visit was to bring me drugs. Are you fucking kidding?! That's the one thing I've never fucking done and he's sitting here accusing me of it. You have no idea how mad that makes me. Yeah, I'm a mess in other ways, and I don't always make the absolute smartest choices, but I've never, not once in my life, turned to drugs. I can't even believe he has the nerve to accuse me of that. And it's not even like he did it in a concerned way. He said it soo condescendingly like he knows something he isn't supposed to know about me.

On my way upstairs to my room, I sarcastically asked him if he wanted to go up before me and search my room so I could prove I have NOTHING to hide. 
His response? "I already did". 

He is such an asshole to me and I honestly can't believe he has THAT little trust in me. Because you know what? I'm honestly not a bad kid at all. I'm seriously depressed and have anxiety issues. Not anything worse than that. And I've never done anything to prove that I'm not trustworthy. 

Whatever. This isn't the first time his skepticism has pushed us farther apart. I'm so angry right now I can't even begin to explain it. 

I feel so alone

I met my new therapist today. She was okay I guess. I didn't really talk much..I kind of just answered her questions. I don't like talking to new people. I just want to talk to Andrea and I can't. 

I hate so much that paying somebody is the only way I can talk or get someone to listen to me. I feel like I help so many other people and none of them are there for me in return. All I want is a friend. Just someone to talk to. But that's to much to ask for. 

I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just upset. I feel so alone in all of this and it's hard.I can't fight this by myself anymore. I want to talk to my friends and make them listen to me, I'm just scared it'll push them away. Just for once in my whole life, I wish I could put myself in front of others. Just one time. But I know I can't. That's not how life works. I'm supposed to be there for them. And okay with that. I just wish people could do the same for me. 

I'm not trying to sound bratty or complain or anything, I'm just having a bad time and want someone to talk to about things. It's my own fault though. I guess I get in my way. 

How do you open up to someone you've never met?

Tomorrow, thanks to my school, I'm going to meet a new therapist. I'm actually really nervous about it. First of all, I have no idea who she is, and it's so hard for me to talk to, or even make eye contact with someone I don't know at all. I want it all to work out, and I want to be able to talk to her and trust her, but I know I cant yet. I get so nervous around new people, and instead of talking about what I want to talk about, I just agree with what the other person is saying. I'm not a good talker. When I first went to see somebody in my school..I didn't talk at all. My friend came with me and told my whole story. I loved that..that way they learn about me, and I don't have to talk. But this time I'm all by myself, and that makes me nervous. 

I am happy to be going though. Hopefully after a few weeks or months or whatever, I'll be able to form a trusting relationship with her. That's only happened one other time with me though. I need to be able to talk to someone though. I want to be able to talk to my friends about how I'm feeling right now. I really feel like I need that. But I just don't want them to think I'm being stupid and causing problems. I don't want to make them go away...but I really need to talk to someone so I don't know what to do. 

Another new thing is that I started taking Prozac. I don't know how I feel about that. Honestly, I'll probably take it for a month or 2 and then stop. It gives me more anxiety though. Panic attacks are more easily triggered, and I'm more shaky. 

Well, I hope everyone's memorial day weekend was good. I went to the beach with 2 of my best friends..they had to carry me around though because of my leg. I felt bad about that. But it was good for me to get out of the house. And I got a tan which is always a plus. 

Wish me luck for tomorrow..I really hope something good comes from it. 

Don't let depression hold you back!

This weekend I went on a road trip with my family to Virginia to drop my brother off at an internship. For some reason, this road trip really opened my eyes. We stayed in such a beautiful area, and I just didn't want to leave. We only stayed for a night, but it just made me realize how much there is out there in the world. 
And it could all be mine. 

There's just so much to do out there. Anything I want. And I want to embrace all of it. If/when I am ever able to overcome all this anxiety and depression, I can do anything. I want to travel, and help other people, and learn new things and take risks and ride the biggest roller coaster in the world and skydive, I just want to do it all. But I can't because I'm stuck trapped inside my own head. 

I have everything holding me back, and yet nothing holding me back at the same time. I want to live such an incredible life and take risks and just live it up! I'm going to be 17 in about a month, and so far there really hasn't been any defining moment in my life, or nothing that stands out, or nothing that even makes me unique. 
The only things that really make me different is all the negative stuff, my sister, all my surgeries, my depression and how I wanted to kill myself, it's just all bad things that make me who I am. And I want to change that. If you read my very first post, it's titled "Who am I?" and I want to answer that question. 

This summer, I don't want to sit home and literally do nothing. At least just one day, I want to do something amazing and exhilarating. I just don't know what that would be yet. 

I have so many fears getting in my way, and I don't want that anymore. I'm done being held back just because I'm scared or my depression is to bad to get out of bed. I don't want to let that happen this summer. I know I'm "only a kid", but I just feel like this is my life now, and this is when I should be living it and having fun. I don't want to be handicapped physically OR mentally anymore! 

I want to be awesome. I want to do things, and set some goals and then achieve them. I know that this is all easier said than done, but I just want to be a different person than who I am now. I'm very deep into my depression right now, and I'm trying so hard to break out of it and live my life. I'm struggling though. 

So here is my question for you. What makes you you? Every one of you, weather you're like me and have depression and anxieties or not, should go out and do something out of the normal. It doesn't have to be dangerous, or life defining or anything like that. It can just be something that makes you feel good, something you feel like you accomplished. 

Maybe working out of depression for someone else's benefit makes it easier to do. So maybe helping someone else is a good place to start. I really don't know. But I'm going to try to break out and do something good with my life. It's really time I started living it. 

I want you to do the same too. I think it's important. I don't know why, I just feel like it's something I have to do. Only thing is, I don't know where to begin! Any suggestions? And I'd love to know what you think about all of this too. 

I just want to start living my life the way it should be lived. No regrets. 

How do you make someone understand your reality?

Today during dinner, I was sitting there quietly eating. All of a sudden, and completely out of the blue, my mom says something like this. She said, "I just have to say this. If you stopped thinking negative thoughts and stopped thinking your life was so bad, you would just feel better". I literally started laughing. Like are you kidding me? My dad chimes in with this comment, "Yeah, like are you even friends with any positive people anymore?"  Come on. My response to this was telling them that they were ignorant, and that they should do some reading. I don't know the exact wording of everything that they said, and how I put it doesn't really do it justice. Basically the point that they were trying to make, was that I have depression BECAUSE I'm upset all the time. Ummm...actually, I'm pretty sure that the reason I'm upset or numb or however you want to put it, is BECAUSE I'm depressed. Not the other way around!

It frustrates me so much that they just can't understand that. They just don't know what it's like to be clinically depressed, and they think it's something that I choose. It really frustrates me and makes me sad.

Is this the reason they don't take me seriously? The reason they won't do anything to help me get better? The reason they ignore me when I don't get out of bed or when I'm crying or just laying on the floor?

Do they think I'm faking if for attention? How do you explain depression to someone who just has no idea? Honestly, what are some things I can say to make them understand, because I hate the fact that this is the reason they don't like me. Because they think it's something I can help.

It hurts so badly that we're on such different pages about this. I'll never be able to get better, not because I don't want to, but because my parents think I cause it myself and I'm really fine.

But really, how do you explain it? I'm numb, alone, empty, almost zombie like, those are some of the words I can think of, but it just doesn't do it justice.

I don't know how to make them check into what my reality is. I don't know how to make them understand. But maybe I can't make them understand, and maybe this is just something I'm forced to face alone and without help.

Is there anything that you find particularly helpful to say in this situation?  Is there even anything that can be said to help them understand me better? It's almost like their so caught up in the stigma surrounding depression that they don't want to believe I actually have it. I don't know really.