The past few days have been especially bad. Today was the worst. I feel alone, misunderstood, and just angry.
It's 7:00 and I'm in bed. And tomorrow I'll probably stay in bed all day. I made the decision that I'm not going to eat anymore. Let's see how long it takes my parents to notice. Or anyone for that matter.
My birthday is in 11 days and I'm going to be totally alone for it. Just like last year. My one friend is going to probably come see me but I don't know. That's probably not even a good idea. I remember last year on my birthday I cried the whole day because my family completely ignored me. They worked. I stayed in bed. I feel like it's going to be the same exact thing this year. I don't even want to turn 17.
I cut tonight. I don't care anymore. I keep pushing away everyone in my life and no one pushes back. No one cares. I'm just another grain of sand at the beach. Just another leaf on a tree. I'm nothing special. I'm nothing to anybody.
I really have nothing else to say. I'm fed up with this life. And no one else seems to see it.
God...what is wrong with me???
I just stumbled upon your blog. You don't know me, but I care. Parts of your post could have been written by me as a teenager. (I'm in my late 20's now.) You are important. You are never alone. Use your anger as power to move forward and inspiration to make good choices for yourself. Don't hurt yourself; you deserve better. You are not defined or limited by your family or depression. You are not defective. Find help. If people aren't pushing back, grab hold of someone who is emotionally healthy and take steps towards them instead of pushing away. Find healthier ways to cope besides self-destructive actions. You are a work-in-progress; cut yourself some slack and believe in yourself. When you feel as broken as it seems you do, it can take awhile to put yourself back together. Hang in there. I hope this comment doesn't weird you out. I know "advice" from a stranger is often unwanted, which is totally understandable. I saw your post and felt compelled to reach out. I look forward to wishing you a happy 17th birthday, if I counted on the calendar correctly. :) ~Donna
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