Lately I've been doing a lot of not so smart things, and just making bad decisions. Between drinking and sex and cutting and not studying for finals, I just don't feel like myself. And I screwed myself because now I'm really scared for my math test which I have to take tomorrow. I'm praying I don't fail.
Eating has been an issue for me lately too. I'm either just not hungry so I don't eat, or I eat way to much so I don't focus on all the bad. I can't seem to find a healthy balance. So instead of being productive and trying to fix it, I'm going to play a little game. Not going to say what it is yet, but let's just see how long it takes for my parents to notice.
I know I'm doing bad. And why I'm making worse choices rather than trying to make things better, I really don't know. I think it's just because I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get better. I've been messed up for to long. At least that's how I see it. And yeah, maybe that is wrong, but that's just how my head is thinking about things.
This summer is going to be a crazy one. Not because of any parties I'm going to, but simply because of the battles I'm fighting in my own head. I'm excited to see how this "game" is going to play out.
Why is it that when people are doing bad like me, they make worse decisions instead of trying to make things better. Can anyone tell me that? Do other people do it too? Is it just me? I think it's because I've given up all hope anyway. So I might as well have fun with me. Please tell me I'm not weird, and this is at least semi normal or common. I think it's safe to say that prozac hasn't helped me much at all :/
I can tell you I've been through this too. You are not weird or alone is thinking this way. I was making awful decisions when my mental health was worsening. It was a constant self-deprecating cycle and I'm still trying to crawl out of it. But during that period, I was drinking too much, making out with inappropriate people and just being a disaster, and behaving pretty out of character for me. So it is definitely not just you. I'm slowly getting some of my hope towards life and the future back, but it does come and go. But you have to somehow hold onto hope, it has to get better.
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