This is how I feel
Inadequate. Unworthy. Alone. Unloved. I feel horrible. I don't know why I bother to do this anymore. I feel like I just get in the way of other people, and I literally just feels like shit. Every time I talk about this with people it just pushes them away. So I don't talk to anyone, and then I feel more alone.
I feel like every single night I'm getting closer and closer to doing something dumb. Scary thought.
Last night I almost did go and do something. I didn't though. I'm in the phase now where I'm sleeping a lot, and I'm so happy about that. I honestly don't know why I'm so messed up lately..
Therapy went okay yesterday. I hope I can have a good relationship with her. I think it would help me.
People say that everyone, or at least most people feel this way at some point. I'm sorry...I just don't buy that. Yeah, I'm sure people feel upset and go through some rough patches, but certainly not everyone feels like this. If they did there would be a hell of a lot more suicide in the world. I really believe that. Not everybody feels like this and I hate being generalized like that.
Yesterday my therapist asked me why it is I'm still here, why I haven't killed myself. I honestly have no idea why I'm still here. I guess I've overcome some crazy stuff already in my life. Ive always been a fighter. I'm so close to giving up, and I don't want to. A part of me still wants to fight, but another part just has no hope things will ever get better and wants to quit and stop fighting.
I said I was going to put up a list of songs and books and movies, and I will probably tomorrow. Hope everybody keeps their head up and never stops fighting. I'm trying too.
I can relate to the sleeping thing. You are right taht people like to downplay depression as everyone going through it. Now that I have been in this state, I take notice of suicides more though, and the truth is that there are so many, too many. But yes not everyone lives in hell.
ReplyDeleteYou r obviously a fighter because you have not given up, and your posts(experiences) would make many people do just that.
I am really really sorry you are having to go through all this. Depression sucks. I cant think of the right words right now but keep in mind we are all here for you. Keep fighting. There has to be something better in out futures.
ReplyDeleteI remember in an earlier post that your parents wont let you take your anti depressants. Have you ever asked your therapist to write you the perscription and get it filled on your own? Or would your parents justget mad and take it from you?
Hope you feel better. *hug*