If you're wondering why I'm mad...

So yesterday I got in even more trouble. My guidance counselor pulled me out of class 9th period, right before the end of the day. I had no idea what to expect, I couldn't even imagine what else I could have done to get in trouble. 

I had to stay after school for a good 2 hours. It was miserable. I was with my guidance counselor, my principle, and my assistant principle. They were all talking to me about being suicidal and cutting and everything else. I wanted to open up and be honest but I can't because I'm scared. I'm constantly living my life in fear. Of my parents, of my friends, of everything. 

Then my mom came and everything changed. My guard was up and there was nothing anyone could say or do to make me any less edgy at that point. That's what my parents do to me. They have hurt me so bad I can't be in the same room with them and be able to keep cool. 

So my mom sat there and acted like an angel and denied everything I said and belittled me. I couldn't take it. I was so frustrated! It's not fair. I have to live with these monsters at home and no one will ever see it because of this stupid act that they've perfected. So now everyone at school hates me even more. I'm sure they all think I'm this stupid little bitch who lies and complains and all that. 

To bad they can't see what really happens when no one of authority is around. I got it pretty bad when I got home. My parents still have yet to be civil towards me and I'm just shutting up and letting them do it. Man I hate my life. I need to get out of here. 

Needless to say, I'm pretty fucking pissed at every single one of my friends. Screw me over once, shame on you. Screw me over twice...maybe I should learn to shut my mouth. Do it three times? Were fucking done. 

I have successfully pushed away everyone I wanted to. Everyone except my boyfriend. He has done nothing to hurt me so I refuse to hurt him. 

I don't need anyone. I sure as hell wish I had just ONE person in this world who I could talk to openly and honestly and not have to worry about getting in trouble for it. 

Because guess what. WHEN YOU TELL THE SCHOOL IT GETS BACK TO MY PARENTS AND I GET IN A SHIT LOAD OF TROUBLE!!! So just stop already!! I hope you realize that I can no longer trust anyone and all this has done is make me more depressed and alone and withdrawn. 

I don't need anyone but myself. Sorry if this hurt anyone but I figured you deserved to know why I'm pissed. I know you were trying to help but you didn't. All you have done is cause more problems because my parents are abusive assholes. Sorry. 

Trouble.

In trouble yet again. Apparently one of my friends told my stupid school that I was cutting and where. They had to bring me down to the nurse and she had to check me but I refused to let her. My parents were so mad at me. 

They're making me go back there today. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm literally screwed. Nothing can ever go right for me. And it's not even like I'm looking for attention or doing this to myself because I'm just trying to drop all of this. 

I met a new therapist yesterday. She seemed okay I guess. 

Wish me luck for today. I'm really scared for what will happen again. 

A visit from CPS.

So CPS was at my house today. They wanted to take me out of my house. My parents suck. So does my life. I'm just a little stressed as you can imagine. 

I was doing so well. I didn't eat for almost 3 days and today I fucking ate so much and I feel horrible and want to get rid of it. I've never done that before and I hate that I want to. I hate everything about myself. I seriously cannot fucking stand me. 

My chest is all cut up, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't breathe. I can't function. And I sure as hell can't talk to anyone about it now because I just keep getting myself into deeper and deeper shit. 

Have I mentioned I hate my life?

Sorry for bitching. I guess I'll go now. 

So here's what happened...

So here's what happened. My school found out about me and my friends plans to try to kill ourselves or hurt ourselves. They sent us both to the hospital, and my dad had to come to the school and everything. It was a HUGE mess. 

My dad acted like this angel in front of my guidance counselor and it's so frustrating because I know how much of a fake act it is. I hate it. 

As soon as we got in the car my dad started yelling at me really bad saying how much trouble I'm going to be in. I didn't know being suicidal was something to be punished for. Guess I was wrong. When I got home my mom was already home. She said "get your stuff, were leaving now" before I even got in the door. 

A little while later we left...that was an even bigger disaster. My mom was yelling at me sooooo bad in the car saying how I'm not going to get into college and how I might as well just drop out of high school. She kept saying how everything bad that happens is my fault and I'm just acting this way for attention. She was yelling at me and making me feel like complete shit for about an hour and a half. I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. I had about 3 huge anxiety attacks. As you can imagine...I'm pretty exhausted now. 

Every time I tried to say sorry to my mom she just screamed "shut up" to me. She told me not to call her mom. She's not my mom anymore. She also said how much she hates me. I can't even remember what else she said. 

We didn't even make it to the hospital. She just turned around and went back home and then left my house for about 3 hours. She hates me. 

Fuck. Right now my parents are talking about how much they hate each other and how much my mom hates us. My mom just said that my dad doesn't care about us at all. And she has nothing to hold on to. She just left again. I broke my family. 

Anyway, back to the story I guess. 
My mom told me I am no longer allowed to talk to anyone. Can't talk to my guidance counselor, my friends, a therapist, anyone. She said if ANYONE calls her again about me I'll be in serious trouble. So I guess I am back to being a withdrawn, awkward quiet loser of a kid. Maybe I shouldn't even write anymore. It's basically the same as talking. I mean if you're reading it, I might as well be talking. Only difference here is that most of you can't put the face with the name. So maybe it is okay. Who the hell knows. 

When my mom got home and after I got out of the shower...I was in my room cleaning and I heard my mom start crying and saying how much she hates me and her life. I can't even begin to tell you bad badly I needed to cut after that. After everything. 

I wish I was dead so I didn't have to hurt so much and hurt everyone around me. I always thought it was a serious impossibility for things to get worse. I always seem to be wrong about that. 

Anyway, long story short I guess, we never made it to the hospital. I got verbally bashed and abused in the car for quite a while. Then my mom left, started crying and blaming me for everything, and left again. Now I'm sitting in my room unable to fall asleep and starving because I haven't eaten anything since yesterday. I'm more stressed and depressed than ever. 

Good thing I have such great parents. 

Ya know, everyone told me I would gain respect by asking for help and to go into a hospital. My dad told me he lost respect for me for asking. Guess I was right all along. 

Bye

Going into hospital now. Can't talk right now...I'll explain everything when I get back

Depression is like cancer

Depression is like cancer. Gone untreated, it will get worse and worse. The person with the cancer knows there is something wrong. They can feel it. They don't feel good. But it might not be visible to the outside world. 

Cancer gone untreated is fatal. 

So is depression. 



The difference is that there is no stigma attached to cancer. But because depression and other anxiety disorders are called "mental illnesses" they are looked down upon. It's considered a weakness. Or even worse, it's considered something the person can control. A choice even. 

All of these things want to make myself and other people in my same position want to stay in hiding. Sometimes its just not worth it to ask for help. Sometimes people just won't listen. 

You don't know how I feel

According to my school, I'm a binge alcoholic. I disagree. I just like to drink like everyone else. Im craving alcohol now though. I like being numb and not having to feel anything. 

Numbness is better than pain. I'm hurting so bad and no one understand that. Its so frustrating. I can't take all of the judging and criticizing and everything else. 

On a scale of 1-10, my depression is about a 13. How I'm still alive, I have no idea. I plan on drinking a lot on Halloween and probably doing some other dumb stuff. Maybe then people will listen to me and take me seriously. 

It's like my problems only exist when it's convenient for someone else. Frustrating right? If any of you know what I'm trying to say, you know first hand how upsetting it is. 

I guess you just can't make people feel what you feel. 

I just want to disappear

So today I spent a good 2 and a half hours in my guidance counselors office. She called my mom. Again. I'm supposed to talk to my mom about going into a hospital on November 1st but I'm really scared. 

My mom is not happy with me. She hates that the school keeps calling her. I'm so afraid to tell my parents that I want to go inpatient. I'm scared they'll judge me or criticize me or just not trust me. I hate this. I wish so bad that it could just be okay for me to want to go inpatient to get better. It sucks. A lot. 

I'm scared to fall behind in school and get judged and have my parents lose trust for me but I just want to get better. I need a break. I need to get away from my house and just I need time to heal. But it's not going to be okay with my parents. 

That's why I'm so scared to talk to them. 



I actually talked to my parents before. They said no, I'm not bad enough to go into a hospital. Funny how they think that. I didn't know that cutting and being suicidal doesn't qualify as being bad enough. 

No one takes me seriously and no one cares.  That's how I feel. I want to be alone so I don't hurt anyone when I die. I dont want friends, I just want to disappear. 

Don't know what to do

I want to go into a hospital. I'm scared to die and I'm scared to go into a hospital. I'm really scared. I don't know what to do. 

All I know is that right now my depression and anxiety is controlling my life. I can't have this going on anymore. I need to get away from my house and I want to get better. So maybe this is a way to do it. 

I don't know what to expect if I do go. Im so scared. I wish my life could just be easy. I need help with this decision. I told one of my friends that if she goes with me I'll go in a heartbeat. I hope she can go. That way at least I'll have some sort of a safety net. 

I feel like Mike would judge me a lot. Or not judge me but just be upset.  I don't know. It's such a big decision and I'm terrified. Help?

Fear

I'm sick of having my heart beat so hard I can feel it in my ears. I'm tired of worrying about people judging me. I'm tired of people ignoring me. I want to start living my life for myself and not to please other people. 

My anxiety attacks are getting so much worse lately. I just had another one now. I cut again today. Oh well. 

I feel like I'm not even in my life. I don't feel like anything is real. It almost seems like I'm just watching someone else live my life and in not even participating in it.  I stopped therapy today. 
I wish I didn't have to worry about my parents judging me and criticizing me if I wanted to go into a hospital. I really do want to. I'm just so scared. 

Even for the simple fact that I just need a break away from my house. I need something. Any kind of relief. It's getting harder and harder each day. 

When I'm with my friends it's like I'm on a whole different planet. They just talk about things that I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I always feel left out and it hurts. Everything hurts. And I'm scared. 

Something's wrong

I don't know what's wrong with me. So I got accepted into my top choice college today. So did my best friend. Awesome right? But why does that still upset me?

Because what if she doesn't want to go to school with me. What if she just wants college to be a time to get away from me? I wish we could dorm together and I don't want her to leave me but I think she will. 

So what's my solution? Push her away obviously. I wish things didn't have to hurt so bad all of the time. 

Speaking of pain, my legs are not better at all. I don't know if you remember me writing about this, but I've had four major surgeries for my legs in the past 2 years. My legs still kill me. It sucks. 

When can I stop feeling so bad? I want to be happy and not feel alone. But it's probably my own fault. I need alcohol. I like numbing myself. Yeah I feel horrible the next day, even more depressed, but hopefully I cam just forget for one single night. Not like it ever happens like that though. Something just isn't right with me and it's more than just typical depression I think. I don't know. Is this just horrible depression? 

Oh I don't know.

I just got off the phone with Mike. I was talking to him for an hour and a half. I'm not used to talking on the phone...it usually causes me a lot of anxiety. My anxiety seems like it's getting worse. 

I like mike so much though. I'm really trying to be a better person for him. We seem like we can both really make each other happy. I'm so scared that I'm going to scare him away though. I haven't told him any of the bad stuff...not in depth anyway. 

I'm afraid that he'll see me as something different than he sees me now and it scares me. I don't want to screw up. I dont want my ex to keep yelling at me. I want happiness. 

He makes me so happy and it feels good. It's harder in one way being in a relationship with someone who you actually like. I mean think about it. If something happens, it's really going to hurt and it will be really bad. But if you're with someone you don't really care about...it won't be as bad or hurt as much. 

I don't know, that's just how I think. I'm going to visit a college tomorrow and I'm nervous. I hate thinking about college. It's one reason why in pushing everyone away. One of my friends is very easy to push away. She doesn't seem like she cares much. It hurts, not guna lie, but I guess I do it to myself. 

On the plus side, I feel slightly less dizzy today. Yay. 

Stupidity

Oh where do I even begin...I have no idea what to say right now. 

First of all, I'd just like to give a shout out to my friend Oliver who is both a freaking idiot and a genius at the same time. I can't even believe you..but I love you. 

Secondly, if any of you are reading this and wondering anything that I have never shared, feel free to ask. Now that I'm back, I'd like to be as real and open as possible. 

So my exboyfriend, yea, remember him? The one who all my friends hate but I still somehow love? He will not stop yelling at me and making me feel bad about having a new boyfriend, mike. And yeah it hurts. Here's how stupid I am. I actually considered breaking up with mike to get back together with him. 

I guess I figured, hey, I've never been happy before, why start now? I really do hate myself. 

I'm pushing away all my friends again too. I don't think they need me. But I said that last night. 

I was with my guidance counselor today and I wanted so bad to tell her how messed up I am, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm scared of the outcome. 

Last night I went to bed at 7 and woke up at 3. Not exactly the conventional nights sleep...but hey at least I slept. I feel like I'm just rambling. 

Oh when is this all going to end???

Just typical me

Haven't eaten in a couple days, haven't taken my zoloft in a couple of days, and haven't slept in a couple of days. That makes for a great combination of things. 

I wish I could feel better. I wish someone would care. It's almost like, I've been screwed up for so long now, people just accept it. Like no one really does anything or cares because they think it doesn't still hurt or something. I don't know.  

Im in so much pain. Im sick of hiding. Sometimes I really want to just go into school with cuts all over my arm just to see what they would do. If anyone would even notice. Or if they would just think thanks typical me. Probably the last option. 

I feel like I have no friends. I have two best friends, but I feel like they don't need me at all. Here's an analogy for you. My one friend is like my other friends underwear. You always need underwear, and you're only without it in the bathroom or when you're having sex or something. I feel like that's the only time when they don't need each other. But I'm just like a necklace or earings. They only need me on special occasions, and no one would notice if I wasn't there. I'm easily removable. 

That's how I feel. I'm pushing everyone away pretty badly and I know my friends are getting sick of me for it. Oh well. 

I wish I could be sent away somewhere. Someplace where there are kids just like me and I don't have to go home or anything. And there's always someone to talk to who cares. 

Yes, I know you're ALL thinking I should just go in a hospital...but I can't. I just can't. It would be to much for my parents to deal with and I don't want to be trapped there with more people who are judging me. 

M.I.A

Sorry I've been gone. I got overwhelmed with things I should write about and things I shouldn't and I don't know. Shocker- I'm not doing so hot. One good thing has happened though. I'm going out with a good kid. His name is mike. I've liked him for a really long time...about three years and I finally told him I liked him. He said he actually liked me too for a while and now were going out.

I feel really insecure about it though. He doesn't know any of the bad stuff about me. And my exboyfriend is really pressuring me to get back together with him. I don't want to be hurt. I want mike to know everyhing about me, including the bad stuff. But I don't want him to think I'm crazy.

A lot of people think of me as crazy. It makes me sad. I'm doing worse with eating to. And cutting. Everything is getting worse. I don't really like my therapist anymore either. I can't talk to her or anything.

I got in trouble with school again. My friends talked to the principle about me and said I was suicidal and stuff. No I don't blame them, but it does make me think twice about what I say. I always say this. I'm not getting better, I'm just getting smarter.

My mom doesn't want me on zoloft anymore. She doesn't want me on any medicine. So guess I'm off antidepressants. Good idea right?

I'm exhausted now, I'm going to bed. I promise I'm back though. I'll continue to write regularly again. Good night