So today I spent a good 2 and a half hours in my guidance counselors office. She called my mom. Again. I'm supposed to talk to my mom about going into a hospital on November 1st but I'm really scared.
My mom is not happy with me. She hates that the school keeps calling her. I'm so afraid to tell my parents that I want to go inpatient. I'm scared they'll judge me or criticize me or just not trust me. I hate this. I wish so bad that it could just be okay for me to want to go inpatient to get better. It sucks. A lot.
I'm scared to fall behind in school and get judged and have my parents lose trust for me but I just want to get better. I need a break. I need to get away from my house and just I need time to heal. But it's not going to be okay with my parents.
That's why I'm so scared to talk to them.
I actually talked to my parents before. They said no, I'm not bad enough to go into a hospital. Funny how they think that. I didn't know that cutting and being suicidal doesn't qualify as being bad enough.
No one takes me seriously and no one cares. That's how I feel. I want to be alone so I don't hurt anyone when I die. I dont want friends, I just want to disappear.
Dear Alana, I just stumbled upon your blog. First and foremost I just want to send you a big hug and ask you to hang in there! Look, you are 1 step away from being a real adult. You are going to go off to college and that really is the beginning of a HUGE chance to try to help yourself. Not worry about what your parents think, not worry about what your teachers think. You might not be able to understand this yet, because you are still on the high school side of life, but things really really do change once you leave high school behind. I am not saying that your troubles will fall away - hell, I am still struggling, and it's been decades - but once you realize that YOU have some control over your life (which you pretty much do not in HS) you might find the strength to keep fighting. All the best to you.
ReplyDelete