No one listens

Theres a very thin line between the right now and the bigger picture, and I'm struggling on the concept of which one I should be thinking about. 

I know I'm doing badly now. I think everyone knows that. Or at least they should. I can't focus, I can't cry, I can't scream, and I can't explain why. How do you explain to someone this feeling? Is it even possible? They would all just think I was nuts. 

Sometimes I wish things would come easier to me. Why can't I just be happy? 

I'm in Disney right now and I'm still seriously struggling. It's not that I'm ungrateful or anything like that, it's just that I can't push away all the sadness and anxiety. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me, but I know that I can't talk to anyone about anything and that really sucks because all I want is to talk to someone. 

I feel like no one listens to me or respects me and it's frustrating. I know everyone hates me, and trust me I hate myself more than you could know. That's probably why others don't like me. How can you like someone who doesn't like themselves? 

Trapped

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. And sometimes I feel like I don't belong. And sometimes all I want to do is really talk to someone and be able to say exactly what I'm feeling and just cry and get everything out. 

I'm so starved for attention and it hurts. I want someone to pay attention to me and take care of me and make me feel better. I'm hurting so bad right now and I really don't know if there is anyone on this planet that understands this feeling. 

I always said I don't need a babysitter. I never wanted to be that constant pain in the ass that didn't go away. But now I think maybe that is what I need. I don't know. I just really need someone to pay attention to me and no one does. 

I feel so alone and miserable and frustrated all the time and I don't know what to do. There's no way out. I feel like in trapped in this circle of misery and there is just no possible way out. 

If you can imagine the worst you've ever felt, and then multiply that by 10, that's how I feel now. 

So screwed up

Depression is like something that's grabbing onto your throat, and it just keeps getting tighter and tighter until eventually it just absorbs you and suffocates you and kills you. That's how I feel. Like every single day it's getting harder and harder to breath and function or do anything. 
 
I'm doing so badly and I keep looking for something, anything to grasp on to but it feels like nothing is there for me to hold on to. I feel so bad all of the time and I feel like I'm going crazy! But I know I'm not crazy. I'm just depressed and lonely and so anxious. 

Everyone around me can see it but no one really reaches out and does anything. No one talks to me. 

Nothing else to say I guess. Just so screwed up. 

For your own good

For those of you who think you know me, you don't. Nobody has any idea what it's like to be me. What it's like to live in my house and be scared every single day. Or how it feels to know no one cares. 

To my friends: I don't care what you think about me anymore. I know you probably really don't give a shit about me. It's all superficial. It always will be. 

I don't want you to be around me or talk to me anymore. I'm fucked up. All I do is bring you down or get you to do bad things with me. 

Do yourself a favor. Leave. Leave now and don't talk to me again ever. I'm no good for you. I'm no good for myself. 

So you keep living your life and make the right choices and be happy. And I'll keep living my life and eventually crash down to zero. Im almost there anyway. 

Don't text me, don't call me, and don't come over. 

I. Am. Bad. For. You. 

Im like cancer. I'll only get worse for you. So for YOUR own good, I really suggest you stop letting me bring you down. I'm no good. 

Don't think I don't love you, because I do. And that's the reason I'm telling you to stay away. 

Silence

Soo they changed my medicine from Prozac to zoloft, and now I'm on 50mgs of that. Nothing is helping and I'm doing bad. 

I'm smoking so much, drinking almost every other day, and having unprotected sex. I'm always at a low. Always unhappy. I'd ask for help, but there's nothing anyone can do anymore. 

So here's my new thing. I'm going to be silent. Just not talk. I pretty much already do that anyway, but now I just won't even pretend. Every time I talk I fake it. Fake being happy, fake being positive, so screw it. No more faking, no more talking. 

Should be pretty easy seeing as no one listens anyway. Besides, I really don't have much to say. 

Some thoughts that go through my head

Don't ask me if I'm okay when you already know the answer. 
Don't ask me what's wrong when you know nothings right. 
Don't tell me that you understand, because I know for a fact you don't. 





When I'm in bed hysterically crying wondering why my life is the way it is, who's gonna be there to wipe the tears away?
When all I need is someone to talk to and vent to, who's gonna be there to listen?
When everyone is fighting and screaming around me and I'm afraid someone is going to hurt me, who is going to be there to protect me?
When I've given up all hope in life, who is going to be there to tell me they love me and everything will be okay?
When I'm sitting there with a razor or a bottle of pills, is anyone going to tell me not to do it?